I guess my secret is out

A friend was inspired to call REALLY early this morning. She thought she was being obnoxious by calling me so early, but really, God knew I needed her to call.

I was just feeling a bit out of sorts...I don't know...wondering about some things in my life (interesting how sometimes when things seems so good, the Adversary likes to make you question those very good things).

I cried to her a bit but got myself dressed and ready for Church. Still feeling a tich out of sorts and knowing I needed to get my bucket filled.

I walked in for Sacrament meeting and one of my favorite people (my newest "blog stalker") came and sat down next to me. God knew I needed her to sit down by me. And she proceded to say some kind things I needed to hear. What she didn't know is that I was a bit emotional, so when she started to cry, I wanted to cry with her.

Turns out we were both feeling out of sorts a bit...for different reasons, but out of sorts just the same.

This woman amazes me. She's the anchor in her family...and doesn't have the typical "ideal life" (do any of us?). And sometimes when you don't fit the "ideal", you can feel a little more out of sorts at Church if all the stars unfortunately align. Today was one of those days.

FROM THE PULPIT:
It started with a woman who said, and I quote, "Things in my life are so good that I have to think God must really really love me." (Note to self: don't ever say that in a public setting when you don't know all the things people are dealing with.) That was the little "sting" for my friend.

And then came mine. One woman, bless her heart, started talking about Mother's Day coming up (which, just so you all know, I am TOTALLY fine with. I like Mother's Day. I'm not someone who doesn't want to go to Church on Mother's Day. I don't feel patronized when they want to give the plant...that is going to die...to all females over the age of 18. I love it when they are smart enough to choose chocolate, but I don't mind the plant. I'm a believer in the "are we not all mothers" doctrine and so I really actually love the day to pay tribute to good women.) which got her thinking about all the incredible women who have not yet had the chance to bear children.

My stomach dropped a little.

"Please don't say it. please don't say it", I whispered to myself.
I don't even know why I knew it was coming, but I just knew it was coming.

She continued, "You know, women like Laurel...."

"No. No. No. she did not just say that," I whispered, accidentally, out loud.
I felt physically ill.

Why was that such a big deal for me?
Is it some big secret?
I'm single.
And I don't have children.
Everyone knows that.
It's not like she revealed some big sin. She didn't call me out for saying "damnthedevil" at times (see "things I say" in the next post...NOW that secret is out!).
It's not like she told everyone I was a bed-wetter until the age of 12.
And I knew she was saying it out of kindness. She thought she was complimenting me.

But, I don't wear my current life phase as a badge of honor.
I don't.
And I don't need to be "called out" as the single girl who doesn't have children. Even though I know everyone knows it. I felt "called out". And I was so desperately uncomfortable. I have too much pride (yes, I know that's bad) to handle thinking anyone feels sorry for me. I don't handle that well.

The reality is that I am happy and I LOVE what I get to do.
I am in the best place I've been in.
I have amazing people in my life.
I feel truly blessed in so many ways.
God has been SO good to me.

But, I would give it up yesterday for the right opportunity to have the privilege of living the law of marriage and having a family.
And that is the truth.
I'm not going to pretend like I don't want it...
...so much that sometimes it physically hurts.

But, I don't think that makes me pathetic.
I think it makes me a woman.
I guess my secret it out.

(And not that I have to say this to you people, but patronizing comments not allowed. xoxo)