struggling

Did I just say that out loud?
Is my mic on?

I had dinner with a dear friend tonight who pointed out what I've been feeling for a couple of weeks.

My life right now?
My 2011?
Pretty. darn. amazing.

When I look back on this year and see all that God brought together and all that I got to do and all that I overcame and all that I conquered and all that I received...

Well, when I look back, I think I'll be as blown away by the perfection of it all then as I am now.

BUT.

This big thing I am trying to do (this journey I am on) tonight feels...
well...
big.

Almost too big.

I feel weak when I run.
My treadmill mojo feels off.

I know. I know.
I've come SO far.
I've already made great progress.
I've already mastered a lot.

And I'm not giving up.
I'm not quitting.
I'm not done.
I promise.

But, I have to be honest and just say it out loud.
This.
Is.
Hard.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
I knew it would be.
And it has proven to be.
But, I thought I was in enough of a zone that it would just be smooth sailing at this point.

It's not.
And I'm not as far along as I should be.
And I am fighting this little thing in my head that is tired.
And old habits are just sitting at the door waiting for me to let my guard down.
And my spirit wants to take a break.

I'm struggling.
I just am.
I feel like I'm fighting my body a bit.
And maybe it's just tonight (but it's been a few days).
Maybe I'll feel strong again in the morning.

But, just in case I don't...

Give it to me.
Your best thought/scripture/quote/"attagirl"

I could use it tonight.

xoxo

nature's secret

Adopt the pace of nature.
Her secret is PATIENCE.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson













(image found here)

The rest of the story

I have vivid memories of my dad driving me to school after seminary.
The local radio station would play Paul Harvey's "The Rest of the Story" segments.

I loved those segments. I love the concept that we think we can know the story of something...the purpose of something...but that often, there is a "the rest of the story" that we simply never know about.

I have debated sharing this experience because it is so very sweet to my heart and I'm so overwhelmed the Lord let me have a part in it. But, I've decided to share it this morning as a reminder of a couple of things:

1.) God needs us.
2.) He is willing to use us.
3.) What we do matters. It matters a lot.
4.) And we many never know how much.

Earlier this summer I spoke at a girls camp (one of a dozen I got to do this summer). One of the things I shared in my message this year was my experience with the half-marathon, often sharing the power of the cheers that got me through the finish line.

At one girls camp in particular, I felt impressed to tell the girls that there are people in their lives they can see who are cheering them on and people in their lives who they might not be able to see who are cheering them on as well.

In the past week, I've been contacted by two different people relating to me "the rest of the story". One was a cousin who's wife's little sister was at that camp. One was a leader who was there and wanted me to know what happened.

There was a girl at that girls camp who was really impacted by the message I felt impressed to give that night. So impressed that she came home and talked about it, relating the message of the power of the cheers

Several weeks later, her life was taken in a tragic car accident.

Her mother was not scheduled to speak at the funeral. But, at the last minute, she wanted to share some words.

She spoke of a message her daughter had heard at girls camp earlier in the summer and how so many times that week she hadn't thought she could make it to the finish line but she was able to because of the power of the cheers and support of those around her, those seen and unseen, including her daughter.

I don't really have words for what this experience means to me.
Even now as I type this, my eyes are wet.
My heart is overflowing.

I am quite certain had I not agreed to speak at that girls camp or had I not been willing to share my story this summer with those girls...well, I am quite certain this mother would have still gotten what she needed. That sweet young woman would have still been used to prepare her mom for what was ahead.

But, I wouldn't have been able to have even the slightest chance to be a part of it.

God will absolutely use us when we ask to be used.
He will use our lives for good.
He will allow us to be part of His master plan.
He loves us.

And though we may never know how He is using us
and while we may never see the results of the good He is helping us do,
our lives are more interconnected than we could ever know.

And in that interconnection are dozens of "rest of the story" moments...
moments that every now and then, we get to know about.

a holy mystery

Who knows what He will say
to me or to you today
or into the midst of what kind of unlikely moment
He will choose to say it.
Not knowing is what makes today
a holy mystery.
-Frederick Buechner, American Writer/Theologian

Every day I am becoming more and more aware
of God's intimate involvement in our lives.
It is true that He knows what we do not know;
He sees what we do not see;

But, it's also true that He is anxious to talk to us.
He is anxious to show us.
He is anxious to use us.

And that is what gives every day
the potential to be
a holy mystery.

a work of art

"Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard,
neither have entered into the heart of man,
the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."
1 Corinthians 2:9


Anyone who really knows me knows how much I dislike doing puzzles.
I mean, right now, I can think of no less than 100 things I would rather do than put a puzzle together (and, just to make my point, on that list would include mopping my floor or tweezing my eyebrows).

Really...so many things about putting a puzzle together drives me crazy.

The pace?
ugh. Slow. It makes me anxious (my mom finds it calming? Me? not so much).
The point?
there just isn't one. I mean, I can see the picture right on the box so it completely takes away the element of surprise.
And when you put it together, you just take it apart.
Crazy.
The only thing I dislike more than putting a puzzle together is watching someone else put one together.

With one exception.

I think life is like a puzzle.
Except this puzzle is really big.
And there is no picture on the front of the box.
So you don't really know what it's going to look like at any one point along the way.
And the pace seems to go quickly.
And the pieces?
Well, you don't have them all sitting in front of you.
They are given to you.
Piece by piece.
Line upon line.

At times, several pieces might come together at once.
Other times, a couple of important pieces seem to be missing.
Sometimes you work on one section over there and another section over here.
You know they must have to connect at some point but you don't seem to have the connecting piece.

And then...

Well, every now and then...

You realize you aren't actually putting the puzzle together by yourself.
Instead, God, the masterful puzzle creator and puzzle putter-together, is not only sending the pieces but He's taking that one piece that fits perfectly...right...there...putting it in that space that was empty...
You would have put it somewhere else.
You would have tried to make it fit over there.
Maybe you did try...but...He had other plans.

And you realize that finished section over there is that much closer to connecting to that finished section over here.
And it's so beautiful.

And you never would have put it together quite like that.

But He would.
Because He did.

It's a pretty amazing thing when that happens.
When you see a piece of the puzzle God has been working on finally settle into its place.
And your life makes sense in a way it never has before.

When that happens, it's no longer a puzzle.
It's a work of art appearing before your very eyes.
A work of art that is HIS creation...
a creation that just happens to be your life.

A beautiful, wonderful life.


(image found here)

Pondering

I taught a man on my mission named Bill.
He saw a commercial for The Book of Mormon and called the 1-800 number.
Turns out Bill had been the brick mason for the little Mormon chapel that had been built in Crestwood, Kentucky when I was a teenager.
And now we were both in California.
Small world.

Bill embraced the Gospel.
He gave up his cigarettes.
And got baptized.

At his baptism, a man he worked with spoke and related the story that often, in the middle of the day, Bill could be found on the roof of the building they were working on. Just standing there. On the roof. In the middle of the day.

One day, Bill's friend asked Bill what he was doing.
"Pondering."

We had taught Bill about the power of pondering and he took it very seriously.
He said it worked.
Really worked.

I've never forgotten that.

I'm behind on my blog.
I'm behind on my google reader.
I'm behind on my life.

And little about my life looks like it did 3 months ago...
Before I was a "summer mom".
Before I ran the half.
Before I had a new job.
Before I unlocked my heart.

So, while there is a whole lot to be talking about, there's oh so much more to ponder about.

And that's what I've been doing.
Pondering.

But, I'll be back.
I'm sure I will.

So, come back.
Soon.
xoxo


(PS Thanks to those of you who have checked in...wondering if I'm still alive. Feels real good. Just so you know...I fell in love with the Southern Hemisphere; I didn't jump off the SkyTower; Anonymous finally revealed himself and the story of how he found my blog is pretty darn adorable; and I'm going hard-core on my training as I've registered for a 10K in THREE WEEKS...see...lots to talk about. What should we chat about about first?)