[deep breath]

Progress always involves risks.
You can't steal second base
and keep your foot on first.
~Frederick B. Wilcox

I woke up this morning feeling excited about my life...and it's been a little while since I've sincerely felt excited.

I was just ready to go.
Forward.

About a month ago, I found myself seeking some counsel from someone I really trust and the phrase "Go forward" was said over and over and over again.

When I heard that invitation, I felt like my spirit took a deep breath.

I wanted to do it.
I really really did.
I even made a list of things I felt like I needed to do.
And I started to do them.
But...

Progress can be scary.
Moving forward can be unsettling.
It often feels safer to just stay put.

However, we can't.
We simply can't.
"Our spirits long to progress." (one of my favorite things I've heard Sheri Dew say)

Sometimes I find myself wanting to keep one foot where I am while I let the other foot take a step just to check things out. And that's where things get tricky.

Because I either have to bring the brave foot back or make the scared foot let go.
And too often I bring the brave foot back.

But I've come to see that "being where my feet are" doesn't mean staying put. It means taking a step, being in the present, and then taking a step again.

It means helping my scared foot let go.
It means taking that foot off first base.
Which means taking risks...
...which means moving forward.

So...
[deep breath]

Did I mention I'm excited?

(image found here)

"I have obtained"

I woke up this morning almost paralyzed.
The details are not important but I found myself stuck.
Completely stuck with fear.
Fear of what might be.
Fear of what might not.
Fear of what might have been.
Fear of what wasn't.

Simply put, I was a mess.

In the midst of what is truly the best time of my life, I am fighting waves of fear...disbelief...questions...doubts.

It's hard to admit because my TOFW message this fall (did you know I've been speaking at TOFW events? I'll be in Richmond and Phoenix and Salt Lake City too) is all about FAITH which is the antithesis of fear.

I had a moment during my message Friday night in Reno where I knew what I was saying was just for me. Because I had been struggling. I knew it. And He knew it. Thankfully, the women didn't know it.

But, it lasted all weekend.
And this morning, it was just too much.

I had a strong impression to open my scriptures and I found myself reading 1 Nephi 5.

The prophet Lehi has sent his sons back to Jerusalem to get the family records and scriptures. The boys haven't returned and Lehi's wife Sariah is certain the boys have perished. She is certain.
And she's mad. Really mad.

Lehi's response is interesting to me.
He reminds his wife he had a vision and never would have left Jerusalem had he not had the vision. He was simply following the Lord.
And in all the times I have read that chapter, I have never noticed his next choice of words.

His past-tense choice of words.

"I have obtained a land of promise, in the which things I do rejoice..." (vrs. 5)

Did you catch that?

Lehi is in the wilderness.
They have yet to journey to, let alone arrive in, the land of promise he was, well, promised.
And yet, he talks as if he is already there.
As if the Lord has already given it to him.

Oh I love that.

And do you want to know why?

One of the cross references takes you to Ephesians 1:11:
"In whom we have obtained an inheritance, being predestinated according to the purpose of Him who worketh all things after the counsel of His own will."

Lehi trusted that God keeps His promises.
He trusted that God's promises were set in motion long ago.
And if God keeps His promises that were set in motion long ago, Lehi could live as if God already had kept this promise and that it had been given to Lehi already.

Therefore...

No matter the darts of questioning and disbelief and doubt the Adversary tries to throw my way to convince me, like he did Sariah, that the end is already written...and that it doesn't end up the way God has promised me it will...No matter, I can choose to believe like Lehi.
Because I either believe God's promises to me or I don't.
I either believe God's promises were put in place long ago or they weren't.

And I believe His promises.
And I believe they are in place.
I believe there IS a story already written but it's HIS story for me.
HIS story.
The one that is "predestinated according to His purpose".

And if I believe that, well,
then I, like Lehi, can say "I have obtained."

And I, like Lehi, can live as if I already have.


(image found here)

Prepared to see

People only see what they are prepared to see.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson



I have a friend who experienced a little bit of a set back to something that really mattered to her this week. Her response was classic her:
"I just know it's all going to work out. This must be exactly what was supposed to happen."

My response was one of appreciation that I have people like her in my life.

People who see the good in every situation.
People who trust even when there are plenty of reasons to doubt.
People who just know it's all going to work out.

And you know?
I think, for people like that, things DO work out.
And what happens IS exactly what was supposed to happen.

That's the way they want to see the world.
And so that's the way the world is.

I've been working this year to be a little more like that.
I have some work to do.
But, I'm getting there.

And you wouldn't believe what I'm preparing to see...
And I'll see it too.

Just you wait.


(image found here)

sure. certain.

Faith is a living,

daring confidence

in God's grace,
so sure and certain

that a man could

stake his life on it

a thousand times.

-Martin Luther

One more little learning on my faith quest.

And I'm loving it.

A lesson towards the finish line

I wasn't going to talk about this, let alone blog about it.
But, I learned something today.
Something important.
And since I committed to this "experiment", it seemed like something I should share.

I have a little condition I deal with from time to time called BPPV. I think I've maybe blogged about it before but I can't find the link.
The condition has come in handy.
I've used it as a great spiritual analogy, you see (my dad says I can turn anything into a spiritual analogy...but when he said it, it wasn't a compliment.)

The short story is that we all have little crystals in our ear.
Their purpose is to detect motion by brushing against little hairs that send signals to our brain to tell us how we're moving.
They serve an important purpose.
When they do their job.

But, when they decide to leave their little "sac house" and migrate into your inner ear canals?
They are evil.

And vertigo ensues.

I've come to accept the fact that it will be this mildly annoying thing I'll deal with from time to time when it decides to flair up.

Just like it did again yesterday morning.

Yep.
On Morning 1 of what was supposed to be my first "normal week" in a month.
Morning 1 of what was supposed to be my first full week back at the gym.
Morning 1 of setting my alarm for 5 a.m. to get up to work out for the first time since Jan. 31st.

I knew instantly what it was (the symptoms occur as soon as you sit up in bed...that's when you know you're in trouble).
But I refused to believe it.
Though getting up was futile.
My world was spinning.
Which made for a really rough yesterday.

This morning, I finally had to acknowledge I was in trouble and I made my way to the Hearing & Balance Clinic downtown.
The physical therapist administered the test to determine the severity, the ear, and the canal.
"It's in the other year. This is the first time it's been in your left ear, right?"
"Yes. Lucky me."

He administered the treatment.
I thought I was going to throw up.
He sat me up.
It was worse.
He had me walk a straight line (like they do for drunk drivers).
I couldn't do it.

And that's when I cried.

I tried to tell him through my tears...
"trying to change my life"
"training hard"
"hurt my back"
"haven't been able to work out"
"training for a half marathon"
"losing time"
"so frustrated"

He was so kind. He talked me through the treatment.
He scheduled me for a follow-up, told me it would be a rough day.
Then he sent me on my way.

I walked like a drunk to my car.
It felt like this deadly silent moment of aloneness.
I closed my car door and sobbed like I was 5.

"I'm trying so hard," I cried out.
"Please. Please. Please."

I could feel my little heart spiraling down.
But, then I remembered.
I honestly remembered.

I had a choice.

I could be "worse case scenario girl" or I could merely be disappointed and trust that I would be able to do this thing I so desperately want to do.

And then I heard what felt like the most direct question:
"How bad do you want this?"

I picked up the phone to call my "gym partner".
She said everything I needed someone to say and she let me cry and cry.
But, I knew I was just crying out of disappointment,
not because I had gone to "worst case scenario".

I had chosen.

I can't quite express what I huge thing that was for me (though now that I've let everyone know my dirty little secret about where my head goes, that might be obvious now).

And tonight at the gym (yep, we went to the gym) as I rode the stupid recumbant bike (the eliptical was too much movement for my little crystals and and yep, if I had to ride that bike for the rest of my life, I'd go crazy), well, I rode through the nausea and I hit my calorie goal (thank you, gym partner. thank. you.).

And by the end, I was envisioning what it will feel like to cross the finish line on June 11th.
Because I will, you know.

I know it's just a little thing...it's a run.
But that run...this commitment...getting to that finish line...
represents oh so many things to my little heart.
And He let me know today He knows that.
He knows how much I need to do this thing.

So, I'm choosing to trust Him.
My little optimistic heart chooses to trust Him.

There really is something to this optimism thing.
And tonight I am feeling very very grateful for a Father in Heaven who is so very patient with me and teaches me bit by bit as I'm ready to learn.

And OH, what I'm learning as I move towards that finish line.

(spiritual analogy about BPPV forthcoming. It's a keeper.)


(PS. Wednesday morning update: I almost feel "normal". I'm gonna be okay. I really am. God is good.)

Just in front of my hope

While hope is about wanting what YOU want,
faith is about wanting what GOD wants.
-Me.

I had a pretty significant "ah-ha" yesterday at Church. My friend taught the Relief Society lesson on my current favorite talk, "Faith--the Choice is Yours".

I've been thinking a lot about faith and its place in my Optimist Experiment. I've also been thinking a lot about faith and its place in my life.

"Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.

Yes, faith is a choice, and it must be sought after and developed. Thus, we are responsible for our own faith. We are also responsible for our lack of faith. The choice is yours." (Richard C. Edgley)

I thought I understood faith when I came to understand hope.
Do you remember that?

But on Sunday during the discussion, my heart started to beat so hard I thought it would come right out of my chest. The spirit was trying to help me understand a very basic truth. And I couldn't keep from speaking.

"I have always thought I struggled with my faith. But, I see now that my faith only struggles when I'm focusing on faith in the outcome rather than faith in Jesus Christ. When my faith is focused on Him, I can always trust the outcome. Always."

Is that the most basic thing ever?
How on earth has it taken me 39 years to figure that out?

And that got me thinking about the TRUE relationship between faith and hope.
At least for me.

Hope really is about what I want...want I desire...what I pray for.
Faith is about HIM...what HE wants...what HE desires.

Hope lets me trust that what HE wants for me is amazing.
Faith lets me see that it is.

That understanding has completely opened up my mind and my heart.
And it's only been a day (I love that I'm not the least bit dramatic.)

I feel like for the first time in my life, I can confidently say my faith is strong.
Did you hear that? STRONG.
My faith is solid. SOLID.
Because my faith IS focused on Him.
It is.
And it always will be.
Only He and I know how huge that is for me to be able to say.

Now, of course, I still think about outcomes.
I still want outcomes.
In other words, I still hope.

But, I understand hope's place now in my life.
It's standing just behind my faith,
oh so tempted to jump in front of it...
But, hope won't.
Because faith is in front.
Just as it should be.


(image found here)

My [short quick] bucket list

I think every girl should have one, don't you?

It's all I can do to be optimistic that I will be strong enough tomorrow morning to get myself to the gym to try the eliptical machine. That's the only authorized exercise I'm allowed to do right now. I want it in the worst way.

I want to be strong enough to do it.
Tomorrow I WILL BE strong enough to do it.
I know I will be.
(I will be, right?)

And that has made me think about other things I want.
But, this is no typical bucket list.
This is a "this year" bucket list.
Or rather in the next 12 months.
You know, before I turn [gasp] 40.

That's right.
Short & quick.
"Go big or go home". That's what I [never] always say.

And I'm putting them "out there".
Giving them a voice.
Starting the ball rolling.

So, even if you're not curious, here's my little list
(in no particular order):

- I want to ride in a hot air balloon.
- I want to take an international trip (sorry, Canada. You don't count this time.).
- I want to have finished a half marathon.
- I want to start another book.
- I want a kiss from a man that makes me giggle.
(I want the kiss to make me giggle. If that man does too, that's just an added bonus.)
- I want to get up on a surf board (in an actual ocean).
- I want to have "finished" what I started at Fitness Ridge and return to experience it all over again...but at my goal weight.
- I want to know...REALLY know...I trusted Him.

I think that's a whole lotta great things but all totally doable.
And you want to know why?

Because I have control over every single one of them.
(well, okay, one of them I have only partial control over but this girl will learn to "work it". Goodness knows, I've worked it before. And I'll work it again.)

I have control.
JUST like I have control over getting up tomorrow morning.
At 4:45 a.m.
And trying to get myself back on track.

Oh, I'm so praying for this back of mine to heal.

I want it.
I want it so much.
And now I want my little list 'o things in the next 12 months too.
Why not?

Hold on tight, my friends.
This is gonna get good.


(Image found here)

little laurel

I'm laying here in a hotel in Richfield.
I came down to speak to a great group of young women tonight.
I underestimated how hard it would be on my back to drive this far.
And when I found out there was a Hampton Inn (i.e. a "cloud nine" bed), well, I didn't have to put 2 and 2 together to decide to pack a little bag just in case.

SO glad I did.

Dad is recovering from his infection. He's not allowed to leave the hospital until it's gone. It's frustrating for him, of course. But, he received a beautiful blessing and we all expect him to be home soon. THANK YOU for the texts and calls and prayers.

I love the people in my life. LOVE.

When I spoke to the girls tonight, I felt compelled to invite the dads who were there to sit by their daughters like I had that one time before.

You see, I had some time to think on the 2.5 hour drive down here and of course, I was thinking about my dad (and my good mom who drops her life to be right there with him). I love them and I love that I know they love me.

And all that thinking led me to think about a little girl.

This one:

I seriously can't stand how cute this picture is.
THIS little girl...are you kidding me?

A man at church nicknamed her "smiley".
And she really was.
All the time.
And she was a giggler.
And, oddly enough, a little shy.
She liked to be with her mom.
She was kind of quiet.
She was content to just play by herself.
She loved her hand-made clothes and the fact that her mom used a bowl to cut her hair (place bowl on child's head as if a hat and cut around it. not. kidding.)
Optimistic was her middle name.
(She didn't even know there was any other option.)

I came across this picture yesterday and I felt this tug at my heart.
And I've thought about it a lot today.
I seemed to hear a whisper in my little soul--
"You owe it to her."

I owe it to her
to do this "optimist experiment" thing.
I owe it to her
to keep believing
to keep going
to keep praying
to keep running.

Oh, I so want to run.
I've never felt a pull harder than this.
I had no idea that it would be something my body AND my mind would crave so much.
I had no idea how hard it would be to patiently let my body heal.
But, I will.

And then I'll run again.
And I'll run harder because I'll appreciate it that much more.
I know I will.
I have to.

I owe it (and so many other good things) to that little laurel girl.
(Seriously...how cute is she?)

just as much as i need to see

This morning as I knelt to pray, I optimistically asked the Lord to show me "just as much as I need to see". I loved that sentiment as soon as those words left my lips. But, I knew the expression was not my own. I had heard those words before.


"Therefore, let not your hearts faint...Mine angel shall go up before you...and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land." [D&C 103:17–20]

What goodly land?
Your goodly land.
Your promised land.
Your New Jerusalem.
Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey.
Your future.
Your dreams.
Your destiny.
I believe that in our own individual ways,
God takes us to the grove
or the mountain or the temple
and there shows us the wonder
of what his plan is for us.
We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the brother of Jared did,
but we see as much as we need to see
in order to know the Lord's will for us
and to know that he loves us
beyond mortal comprehension.

I also believe that the adversary
and his pinched, calculating little minions
try to oppose such experiences
and then try to darken them after the fact.

But that is not the way of the gospel.
That is not the way of a Latter-day Saint who claims
...the spirit of revelation.

With Paul, I say to all of you:
"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." [Hebrews 10:35–36]

Oh, Elder Holland.
Thank you.

(another gem from "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence", March 1999)

The optimist experiment

"Well at least you're the most cheerful pessimist there ever was."

So said a dear older and wiser friend to me today.
I have a few people who have seen a side of me the past four days few ever see.

"You know, if you had a husband, you'd be cured of this. You just need someone to talk you out of your own head and tell you when you're being crazy."

I'm sure she is right.

Because by the time we were done talking tonight, I was laughing about how silly I've been. How "in my head" I've been. How "worst case scenario" I've been.

"If I was a superhero. I'd be 'worse case scenario girl'." I told her. We were both laughing then.

It's true, you know.
And I had no idea that's who I was until the past few days showed it to me loud & clear.
I mean, I knew that I have a tendency to get panicky.
I knew that I am prone to dramatics.
(Tammy and I used to jokingly say "shoulda seen that comin'" every time something went wrong or we suffered a disappointment.)
I knew that I have the ability to be a little fatalistic.
But, wow.

One of these dear friends said to me on Saturday (after hearing my free-flowing thoughts), "No one would know this about you. No one would think you 'go there' like this."

The truth is I am generally really positive and really happy and really believing.
I believe in happy endings.
I believe all things are possible.
I believe God hears and answers prayers.

But, I also know heart-breaking disappointment.
I also know that sometimes good things just don't happen.
I also know difficulty brings growth.

And the reality is that I have plenty of experiences in life to support both sides, but, if I'm being honest, I feel like I've been dealt the disappointment more than the met expectation.

And so, perhaps as a protection mechanism, when things go south, they go south quickly.
I panic.
I retreat.
I close up.
I go to worst case scenario.
Fast.

Not for other people though.
When friends are going through a divorce, I assume they'll get back together.
When someone is losing a child, I totally believe that child will be healed.
When some young girl has lost her way, I absolutely trust she'll make it back.

But me?

On Friday, I received some personally disappointing news. It shouldn't have been the end of the world at all. In fact, deep down I knew it was part of how this particular thing was going to play out.

But, in less than 10 minutes...TEN SHORT MINUTES...
I forgot everything I've believed or felt or trusted.
And I went "worst case scenario".

And then on Saturday morning, when my bless-their-heart back muscles seized up on me, I had already cancelled an upcoming trip. I had already backed out of the half-marathon. Heck I was practically choosing the color of the jazzy cart I would be stuck in for the rest of my life. Because, of course, I was never going to walk again. Worst case scenario.

Who does that?
Who goes to worst case scenario 0-60 in 2.5 seconds?

My "older but wiser" friend has been telling me I'm far to introspective for my own good. And she's probably right. But, I had to think about all of this because now that I know I do what I do, I want to figure out the "why" so I can change it.

And it was oh so helpful to talk it all through with her tonight.

Tammy (my not so older but often still wiser friend) told me recently I have "but if not"-ed myself to death. Do you remember the "But If Not" lesson? (I wrote about it here).

It was a much needed lesson for me at a critical time in my life.
And frankly, it has served me well for several years.

BUT...

It has also created in me a little bit of a pessimist.
It has also set me up to expect the hard thing.
It has given me permission to "worst case scenario" myself.
Almost as if I'm putting everything in its proper place ahead of time so that when things don't turn out, I'm totally okay.
My faith can still be intact.
Because, well, I am prepared for the "but if not".
Which makes me wonder...
which came first?
The hard thing or me preparing the way for the hard thing that then maybe even brought about the hard thing?

THAT way of thinking is not what changed my life in December.
THAT way of thinking will not get me across a finish line.
THAT way of thinking, honestly, wears me out.

And so...
While I do not discount the truthfulness of the "But if not" principle.
And while I don't make light of the profound way it saved my testimony.

It's also time to change.

A few weeks ago I was talking to another dear friend. "You have to want something bad enough that you're willing to risk being disappointed," I told him. We both thought it was pretty brilliant.

BUT..."risk the disappointment" is quite different from "expect the disappointment". I just had never made the connection until tonight. I never really realized what I was doing until tonight.

As we finished our conversation tonight, I was smiling.
Ah, it felt good to be smiling.
"So, I'm not crazy, right?" I said to my friend.
"No. You're normal. We all have our 'thing'. This just happens to be yours."

Well, I'm ready for a new "thing".

And so, I'm starting a little experiment. I might chronicle it here from time to time. From now until the half marathon (that I WILL be running), I'm going to start expecting things to work out just like I want them to.
I'm going to pray like they will.
I'm going to think like they will.
I'm going to live like they will.

I'm going to risk being disappointed.
But, I have a feeling I won't be.
Not anymore.

I'm calling it the optimist experiment.
If you're still reading this long post, want to join me?