Should I jump?

So...

a few months ago, whilst watching an episode of THE BIGGEST LOSER, I first learned of SkyJump! "Auckland's unique adventure!"
It was a pretty emotional episode.
The contestants described the experience as "liberating" and symbolic of their journey.

I knew at the time I'd be headed to Auckland this summer and I told myself if I finished that half, doing the SkyJump would be my reward.

Well...
I'm here.
And we drove past it today.
And HOLYMACKANOLY.
It. is. tall.

But, something inside me so wants to do it.
This thing I NEVER would have been able to do before (for so many reasons, including the weight limit...don't go searching for it. That's personal!)
I just want to know what it feels like to fall...and to fly.
(since that concept is kind of what started all of this.)

The plan is to do it Saturday night after our TOFW event...so that *if* something happens to me, I won't mess up the event (I'm selfless like that...grin).

So...the question is:

Should I jump?
Is it crazy?
Risky?
Or totally awesome and "sweet as" as they say in this part of the world.

What say you?
(speak now or forever hold your peace! Mom & Dad: Your vote will count twice.)

free indeed!

It is simply not something I could have done a year ago.
Or even 8 months ago.

I'm well aware what my limitations were.
And the Sydney Harbor Bridge Climb would have confronted every. single. one.

So today,
as I got to the top,
nearly running the last flight of stairs,
I stood there,
feeling on top of the world (quite literally).

And I turned to my friends and said, "I didn't ever realize how trapped I was by my life before. But moments like this force me to see it."

And I wept.
Really happy tears.
The kind of tears born of pure gratitude flowing through every little piece of my soul.

I felt free.
Free in the way I did as I ran the half marathon.
Free in the way that I do whenever I speak now.
Free from the life full of anxieties and insecurities.
Anxieties and insecurities about my body and myself that dictated far too much of my life for far too long.

I am free.
Free to live a life I love.
Free to be the girl I want to be.
Free to chase every single dream inside this little heart of mine.
Free to be ME.

And I am completely clear on where that kind of freedom comes from.
And who ultimately makes it possible for us to change and rid ourselves of the things that hold us back.

Today on the Sydney Harbor Bridge,
I looked out across a vast world,
closed my tear-filled eyes,
smiled as big as I have maybe ever,
and quietly said,
"thank you. thank you for freeing me."

If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed. (John 8:36)





(bridge image found here)

my cup runneth over

I think I have had one of the most remarkable days of my life. if you are wondering where God is spending a lot of His time these days, it's with the youth in Australia. Seriously. Amazing.
(my facebook status tonight)

I do not have words for today.
I simply do not.

I awoke this morning and told the Lord I wanted to be used today if He had need of me.
I was exhausted but my heart felt it had something to give.
And my spirit needed to be needed.

So, when I was asked just a few minutes after Sacrament Meeting if I would teach the young women in that ward, I jumped at the chance.

And what followed was one of the sweetest experiences I've ever had with this remarkable group of girls:



Then, tonight, I felt the power of 1100 Australian youth testifying as they sang (and WOW do they ever sing here!) "As Zion's Youth in Latter Days". It was electrifying. I knew the nanosecond I stood to speak that this was not going to be like any other experience I've ever had.

And it wasn't.

My little heart is overflowing tonight.
The wave of emotion going through my soul is real and raw.

There are moments that confirm for me that God has a plan for me.
There are experiences that make me feel alive and complete.
There are times when I feel like every word matters.

When I'm testifying of God's great goodness,
When I'm sharing a piece of my heart with a group of young women,
When I'm challenging a chapel full of youth to step it up...

Tonight I felt like a mom to 1100 teenagers.
I was overwhelmed with the love I felt for them...and with the love HE felt for them.

That love lets me know I'm in the right place.
And I know every bit of it is true.
And I know He loves us in ways we will never fully understand.

And in those moments, I feel like it's the reason I exist.
It's the reason I'm alive.
And it's why I breathe.

And why my little heart is overflowing with gratitude.
Truly, my cup runneth over.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

What's your story?

A few months ago during a discussion about a new work project, I felt impressed that I needed to be willing to share my little journey with a broader audience.

And while my readers seem to be increasing here (which is sometimes a little weird for me to think about. It's MUCH easier to be open and honest when you think there are like 10 people, most of whom have the same DNA as you...grin), I have known since this started that it wasn't just for me. And I have felt a certain obligation to be willing to talk about it.

SO...

We just launched a brand new website for TIME OUT FOR WOMEN.
The design is great.
The content is compelling.
It's a place for women all over the world to connect and share.
And I love it!

So, when we talked about objectives and what we needed to accomplish there, we made the decision to feature my journey. I had to take a deep breath the other day when it was officially launched. I wasn't sure how I would feel about sharing so much with so many.

But Post #1 has had some good response already...I've gotten a few notes from women who have read it and found me.
All confirming that this story isn't just mine.
And if it can help even one other woman, I need to be willing to share.

Some of the posts there will be repeats from my blog here.
Some will be fresh new content (featured there before I can post them here).

So, you might want to go check it out.
Because I've got a story to tell.

And you know what?
I think everyone has one.
Everyone.

So...What's yours?


(image found here)

Where I am...

Well, right now as you're reading this, I'm actually in the air over the Pacific Ocean. But, when we land, I will be here


where I will be for a few days before seeing other parts of Australia.

Then, I will go here


where I won't get to be for very long.

We are taking TIME OUT FOR WOMEN to our very first overseas locations. It's been in the works for nearly five years and it's finally here. We'll be in SYDNEY on July 23 with over 1900 women and in AUCKLAND on July 30 with nearly 1400 women. That is unbelievable to me. And I am so looking forward to being with our dear friends, who have been asking us to come for years.

If you are reading this, that means I made it on the plane and I didn't have a nervous breakdown. Which is pretty astounding considering everything I had to do before I left.

I feel so incredibly grateful for the opportunity.
It's not a vacation.
Our itinerary is full of events and firesides and traveling to events and firesides.
But, I get to go to an amazing place with some amazing people to be with some amazing women.

God is good.
Life is good.
Actually, lately, it's been really really good.
I am happy.

I'll be back in a couple of weeks!
(and might even try to blog a time or two whilst I'm "down under".)


(images found here and here)

The "ox miracle"

There's a story in Mormon history about a stalwart woman, Mary Fielding Smith. She took to cross the plains alone with her children after her husband, Hyrum was murdered by a mob in Illinois. As if that wasn't heartbreaking enough, the journey started with difficulty and a man in charge of the pioneer company encouraged her to stay...told her that she would be a burden if she came by herself with her children (really, man in charge? really?)

Mary confidently said, "I will beat you to the valley and will ask no help from you either.” (attagirl, Mary!)

The next story I remember hearing as a young girl is that at one point on the journey, when an ox had taken sick, Mary Fielding Smith prayed over the ox and the ox was healed. (The story you can find today is a bit different as all of the details seemed to not be entirely verifiable.)

My heart totally believes that original story.
OF COURSE Mary could pray over an ox and ask that it be healed and receive a miracle.

I've thought about that story a lot throughout my life but worried I didn't have the faith of Mary Fielding Smith. And so, I can't really think of many times I've asked for my own "ox miracle".

But I did this morning.

My cute nephew broke my treadmill a few weeks ago.
Well, he says he didn't, but he was the last one on it and it worked fine before.
So I say he broke it (but I still love him. I really really do.)

It's been a bit frustrating for me.
I've missed a lot of workouts because I didn't have the convenience of my treadmill.
I finally found a new one about a week ago but just haven't had time to arrange for it's delivery and for the removal of the other one (and my husband has been too busy to do it for me. darn husband.)

Last night I had a little meltdown.
Just feeling overwhelmed by my life.
I had previously made a commitment to work out this morning.
The only time I could do that was 4am.
And it's too dark to go outside running alone at 4am.

So, when my alarm went off, I crawled out of bed and onto my knees.
I went to sleep crying and I think I woke up crying.
I knew the Lord knew what I wanted.
And I asked that my treadmill would work so I could work out.
Then I went downstairs.

When I turned it on and the display screen lit up and the belt started going, I rested my little hand on my treadmill and just said, "Thank you."
And then I cried.
Again.

I know it might sound silly to you.
But to me there was not a bit of difference between "Mary's ox" and "Laurel's treadmill" this morning.

I knew I was given an "ox miracle"
And I could not be more grateful.

And I burned 445 calories before 5am.
THAT was a miracle too.


(image found here)

plunge. dive. swim.

Be not the slave of your own past--

plunge into the sublime seas,

dive deep,

and swim far,

so you shall come back with self-respect,

with new power,

with an advanced experience,

that shall explain and overlook the old.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

How President Obama gave me back my mojo

No, really.
I mean it.

You see...while my motivation and determination are back,
my follow-through on my tracking?
Stinks.

I just have not been able to get back to the habit of tracking my calories in and calories out. I'm finally wearing my Polar watch again (oh, how I love it) but I have been a total slacker on tracking.

I've lost my tracking mojo.

And I am someone who knows the value of tracking.
It's the ONLY way I've gotten to where I've gotten.

SO...

Whilst at the gym tonight with Erin, we finally figured out what my "penalty" will be for not tracking.

You see, a single chica like myself can't really build a plan on rewards.
Because the truth is I kind of reward myself whenever I deserve to be rewarded *and* a whole lotta times even when I don't (don't judge).

So, we knew it needed to be a punishment.

First, we went with physical.
If I don't track my calories in, I have to burn an extra 200 calories above my plan that day.

Well, that's all fine and good but we both knew there was really nothing to keep me from sticking with the commitment.
Sure, you would think that my own self-respect would be enough.
But, alas.
It apparently is not.

SO, we decided it needed to be financial because, well, money talks.
Even to me.

What amount then?
I said $5 per day if I don't follow through on my commitment.
Erin said "not enough. It needs to be $10."
And then I heard myself say, "Not enough. It needs to be $20."

But, what to do with the money?
We knew Erin was too good-hearted to take it.
A charitable contribution would only end up making me feel good.
Which would kind of ruin the whole point of a penalty.

No.

It had to be something that would bug me.
Something that would cause me grief.
Something that I would so not like.

Something that the mere mention of it made me not breathe.

And then.
Erin said it.
She is brilliant like that.

And we knew it was right because right there in the locker room of the 24 Hr Fitness, I nearly had a panic attack.

Now, please don't take this personally if this is something you might take personally.
I do not judge anyone for their political leanings.
And I am the sucker, remember, who contributed $500 to the McCain/Palin campaign the day she was announced as his running mate (I know...I know...what can I say? I got suckered by the whole "lipstick on a pig" line.)

But.
People.

This is all about me and getting to my goal and this is definitely one thing that would motivate me NOT to mess up.
And that's what we're looking for.

Because I have a goal to hit.
By December 1.
And I'm doing it.
I am.

And it's not going to be easy.
And the road is not short.
There's a lot of miles left to run.
A lot of pounds left to drop.

And now that I know who I'm running against? (quite literally)
Well....

Mr. President.
I will NOT be contributing to your re-election campaign.
I just will not.

But, every day between now and Labor Day that I don't keep my "tracking commitment", your campaign gets $20 from me.
And that, sir, will just not be happening.

Don't take it personally.
I'm not like a lot of others out there.
I don't think you are the anti-Christ.
I am sure you and Michelle are a lovely couple.
I just don't agree with much of what you believe.
And I wouldn't run the country the way you are choosing to run the country.
I see capitalism and freedom and America very differently from you.

Which apparently makes YOU the perfect motivation for the rest of my journey.

That's a news story, don't you think?
("Girl gets to her goal weight by NOT contributing to the Obama re-election campaign.")

This conservative-sometimes-Libertarian has her mojo back.
And President Obama is to thank for that.

Game.
On.


(image found here. though I hate to link to it.)

What's next?

The night before the big race I was asked a simple question:
"What are you doing to do next?"

The truth was I had no idea.
I had become obsessed and consumed with this huge goal of June 11th.
And I just hadn't thought about June 12th.

Which might explain the little mini breakdown I had that night.
What? I never mentioned it?
Oh...

I got on a call with a friend of mine and just cried.
"What is wrong? This is like the biggest eve of your life."
"I know. I know." I said in between tears.

But, I didn't know how to feel about the life she was referring to...because so little about it looked familiar to me.

And I was a bit overwhelmed by it all.

I had a new body.
I had a new job.
I was playing "mom".
I was opening my heart.

Everything...and I mean EVERYTHING...felt like it was changing and I didn't know how to respond. I simply hadn't really spent much time thinking about anything past June 11, 2011.

Which probably explains the last four weeks a little more clearly.
(the slight delay in the blogging, among other things).
I've gone through a whirlwind of emotions.
I'm loving where I'm at right now.
In many ways, I have never felt happier or more content or more right.

But, for the first time in my life, I was feeling like I couldn't write the next chapter because I realized I didn't feel like I had written the previous few. The story of my life had changed... and, while it was better than anything I would have written on my own, it was still unfamiliar territory and I was feeling like I couldn't write the next page, let alone the next chapter.

So.
Here I am.
Needing a "what's next".
And ready to write.

I'm working on my little bucket list.
(and we're making good progress on a few things, people. we are.)

And I'm still running
(we're registered for a 10K end of summer and another half by the end of the year).

And I'm "becoming".
(a little more every day.)

But, the progress in this particular part of my life has been slow for four weeks.
Too slow.
And it's time to step it up.
It's time to go full force again.
It's time to attack this thing like I did when I began.

I've had some pretty frank conversations with the Lord lately.
He knows what I want in my life.
And I know what He is requiring of me in exchange.

So I'm committed to be eagle-eye focused on what He requires.
Doing all those things which matter most.

THAT is what's next, my friend.
And I'm doing it.

And I might even keep writing about it.


(image found here)

my unlocked heart

I've lived alone for 12 years now (and have discovered I'm a totally delightful roommate. Seriously. I get along with me so well.).
It shouldn't be a big deal to spend a night alone.
And it rarely is.

But, after having a roommate for just a few weeks...
a roommate that I love
and pray with
and eat with
and carpool with
and laugh with
and get frustrated with
and talk with

Well, after just a few weeks of that, I don't much like not having him around.

The boy is at EFY this week.
And Sunday as I sat with him at church and thought about how fast this has gone and how close it is to all being over, I got a little misty (okay, I actually cried. Full on tears).

Isn't that silly?

But, I thought about how much my life has changed in just five short weeks.
I thought about how my heart has discovered this new capacity to love.
As if loving him has somehow created more space to love others.
As if making room in my life for him has created more room in my life for others.

I've heard that moms find their hearts grow with each child.
Not that each child takes a less percentage of the same size heart.
But that a mother's heart actually has more to give the more it needs to love.
It should have less.
But, it has more.

I've always thought that a little crazy.
I knew that's how it probably worked for God.
But, us?

Yes.
Us.

My heart is not the same heart I had 5 weeks ago.
Even with it's ability to fall in love and get it's little self broken.
Even with a life time of experience loving and stretching and breathing.
Even with all the people I have loved and served and cared about.
Something has changed.
Something is different.

It's like the mother part of my heart has been unlocked.
And it got unlocked by a kid that isn't even mine.

I didn't even know it was locked.
I suspected and I felt inklings at times.
But, I really had no idea.

And so now...
now that I know what I've been missing?
Now that the part of this heart that I didn't know I even had has been revealed?
Now that I know what this feels like?

Well, I can't go back to the way my heart was before.
I can't go back to the way my life was before.

Because, while I didn't understand what I didn't have.
I understand that now.
Because I have it.
And my heart will never be the same.

Never.
And I'm so grateful.
So deeply and eternally grateful.


(image found here)

the playlist [the 1/2]

Alright. Enough of you have asked for it.
And since many of you helped create it.

I give you the

Seriously...I should quit my job and just sell this playlist.
It's THAT good.

And I also really should make comments about all the songs I listened to during the race.
They were perfect. SO perfect.
An eclectic mix. A perfect eclectic playlist.
(there were a few killer instrumental songs who's names I do not know so this isn't a completely complete list).

Some of these are probably not surprises but I guarantee some of these songs you wouldn't ever think of because I wouldn't have either.
I just have really awesome song-suggesting friends.

And the sweetest part of this playlist is that the order didn't feel happenstance at all. There were many times when a song came on at the most perfect time. This little playlist was a critical part to my finishing. I really believe that.

So...are you ready for the most killer playlist ever in the history of playlists?
No...really.
Are you ready?

Call of the Champions...Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Ain't No Mountain High Enough...(some amazing black man version)
Beautiful Day...U2
Whole Wide World...Mindy Gledhill
Bottle It Up...Sara Barielles
That's Who I Am...Hilary Weeks **
Crashed...Chris Daughtry
Crazy Dreams...Carrie Underwood
Crazy Little Thing Called Love...Michael Buble
Everything...Michael Buble
Eye of the Tiger...
That's Who I Am...Hilary Weeks **
What I Want...Chris Daughtry
Feelin' Good...Michael Buble
Feels Like Tonight...Chris Daughtry
Firework...Katy Perry
Flat on the Floor...Carrie Underwood
Footloose...
that song from Pam & Jim's Wedding on "The Office"...
"Right Here"...Hilary Weeks **
Gone...Chris Daughtry
That's Who I Am...Hilary Weeks **
Just Haven't Met You Yet...Michael Buble
Gangster Song (courtesy of my little brother and I have no words for how much I loved this)
How Sweet It Is...Michael Buble
I've Got the Power...???
It's Not Over...Chris Daughtry
Just a Kiss...Lady Antebellum (what? You think you can't run to that song? Oh, yes. you. can. And it's amazing how far.)
King of Anything...Sara Barielles
Let's Get It Started...
Give Love a Bad Name...Bon Jovi
That's Who I Am...Hilary Weeks **
Life Is a Highway...Rascal Flats
Listen to Your Heart...(the most awesome remix ever)
Livin' on a Prayer...Bon Jovi
Love Song...Sara B
Walk on Water...Britt Nicole
Miles and Miles...Sara B
Right Here...Hilary Weeks **
Marchin' On...One Republic
Over You...Chris Daughtry
Photograph...Santana (w/ Chris Daughtry)
That's Who I Am...Hilary Weeks **
Rodeo Around the World...Pierce Pettis (um...love.)
Save the Last Dance...Michael Buble
Songs Like This...Carrie Underwood
Speechless...Steven Curtis Chapman
Standing Outside the Fire...Garth Brooks
What About Now...Chris Daughtry
Uncharted...Sara B
Viva La Vida...Coldplay
That's Who I Am...Hilary Weeks **

You are very very welcome.


**So, my dear friend Hilary Weeks is releasing a new album this fall. And, well, it's AMAZING. She wrote a song right after I got back from Fitness Ridge called "That's Who I Am". She captured my experience...my new life...my heart...perfectly. And I knew I needed the song on my half. And I knew I needed it often. Every single time it came on, I was able to run, even if I had just had to take a little "my calf cramp is making me want to quit" walking break. It's seriously hands-down one of the most inspiring songs you will EVER hear and I can't wait to share it when it gets officially released.

("Right Here" is also a song on the upcoming album. It has a story for me too. And, as it turned out, played at really critical times. I like to pretend it was written for me too. Sometimes I like to pretend everything was written for me...grin.)

God's other plans

I haven't really talked about this yet.
There are lots of reasons for that.

But, here we go...

I got a new assignment at work a few weeks ago.
That's a story in and of itself, I suppose.
Suffice it to say, it's not anything I sought or aspired to.
I'm at a point in my life where title and position in "Corporate America" mean far less to me than "title and position" in a family would.

But...
This is my life right now and I love so very much about it.
Now I've been given a pretty incredible opportunity and I am truly grateful.
(Oh, and I love what I'm doing. I really really do.)

Anyway...
A colleague was at home one morning with his youngest girl who was begging him to stay home and play one game with her. He explained he had to get to work.

"But, just call your boss, Daddy. Tell him you have to stay home and play a game with me. Tell him. He will understand."

This dad decided to take the opportunity to share with his daughter a little something about his new boss.

"I have to go to work but you want to know something? My boss isn't a 'he', my boss is a 'she'."
He said his daughter's eyes got really big and said, "Your boss is a SHE? I didn't know bosses could be a SHE!"

He said he kind of loved being able to tell his daughter a boss CAN be a "she".

Now...I certainly didn't attempt to break any "glass ceilings" or barriers when I was a little girl. My current life was not planned for or created through a series of goals. But, I also never knew the life I've lived was really an option. I didn't really see it through other women around me.

I didn't remember knowing women who graduated from college
or served missions
or had careers
or went to grad school.

And I think that might have been one of the reasons I spent so long feeling a bit unsettled about my life path. Not only did I not really choose it, but I also didn't know if it was really "okay" to be doing.

When I talk to teenage girls, I feel passionately about making sure they know God has a plan for them. I know He does. I KNOW HE DOES. And I try to emphasize that that plan could include marriage and motherhood and a mission and college (emphasis on the "marriage and motherhood"). I don't really talk about my work or feel the need to encourage them to pursue professional interests...I don't want them to think my life is "cool" or something to aspire to. I want them to know that the "work" their moms are doing is much more important.

Because I really feel it is.

But, I also know the realities are that some of them *might* find themselves on a path they didn't plan on either. And they need to know it's okay.

Bosses can be she's.
And it doesn't mean "she" didn't want or work for other worthy goals.
It doesn't mean she put a career ahead of things her heart desires most.
It just might mean that God had other plans for her.

I know, because He's had other plans [for now] for me.

And I have learned He can use those other plans as part of His master plan.
For each of our lives.

THAT I know is true because I've long since trusted Him with mine.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.


PS...When this new opportunity was presented to me, I wondered how it would look...you know...to potential suitors...and I felt the need to find that out. I asked a real live member of the available male species who calmed my fears about it. And then Jim, Tammy's husband, settled it all when he called me to say:
"Laurel, it took me seven months to meet, date, court and marry Tammy. If she had been a Vice President, it would have taken me three. Men aren't stupid. Congratulations."

(That is Classic Jim. Man, I love that guy.)