Already written

Today one of my dear friends had to remind me of truths I've talked about here before.
Sometimes, when life throws you a little curveball, you just need someone to call you out on the fact that you're forgetting truths you know.
She might have been stern with me...and I'm so glad I have friends like that.

I had an experience last week that was a game changer.
Do you know the kind?
When things feel turned upside down?
And the next day I was sad and confused and unsettled and worried.

That night one of my favorite men on the planet said something so profound, so simple, so true:

"Your future isn't any different today than it was yesterday."

That was it.
Period.
End of discussion.
End of the tears.

And I woke up the next morning enveloped in the most unbelievable peace.

We each have a story.

And while we can do things to alter that story,
And while others can do things to alter that story,
God is the editor.
He intervenes when He needs to.
He adds a sentence here and there.
He erases.
He fixes.
But the story is all part of His plan.

And I simply do not believe in a God who turns a page and gets surprised.

I do not believe, for example, He spent any time last week saying, "Wow. I'm shocked. This is so not how I thought this was going to turn out for her." (And not just because God wouldn't use "so" like that.)

No.

Rather I believe in a God, my Heavenly Father, who is so involved in every detail of my life that He spent time this entire last year orchestrating things in such a way to have them play out exactly how He needed them to.
Exactly how He knew I needed them to too.
He intervened as needed.
He added a sentence here and there.
He edited.
To get the story just right.

When I can let myself believe it, I feel the deepest sense of peace.

There is a plan for your life.
There is a story that is yours.
JUST. YOURS.

And your story is where it's supposed to be.
The chapter.
The page.
The very words.

He knew exactly where you'd be right now.
And the beautiful promised ending of your story is already written.
Your future isn't any different today than it was yesterday.
And, oh, that future is good.
SO. GOOD.
I promise that is true.

Blessed be the Lord...
there hath not failed ONE WORD
of all his GOOD PROMISE
1 Kings 8:56

Blessed by the Lord, indeed.

What He has spoken, He has spoken.
It is already written.
Even when it doesn't feel like you can believe it...
It's still true. That's how truth works.

That's how God works.

My holiday wish for YOU

Something has happened to me the last few days.
Maybe it was that November didn't quite turn out like I had hoped.
Maybe it was because last weekend was oh so hard.
Maybe it was that I had to fight to stay positive every morning when I couldn't run.

Whatever it was, it's like another switch went on inside my head over the last few days.
And I'm making all sorts of plans for this journey of mine.

And it feels really good.

Because, I am STILL focused.
I am STILL determined.
I am STILL really really believing.

And, bottomline, things are just as they should be.
I am right where He knew I'd be.

I'm the daughter of a Father in Heaven who never tires of my need to be reassured.
Even when I shouldn't need it.
Even when I hate asking Him "just one more time".

And every single time...
Every.
Single.
Time.
...He sends me what I need.
It might be small...barely detectable unless I'm staying perfectly still.

Yet when I stay perfectly still...
And get on my knees...
and open my heart...
Well, He sends reassurance just one more time...
that He is there.
And knows I am here.

We are never alone.
Never.

Never.

And I hope you get whatever you need this beautiful holiday season to let YOU know that truth in whatever way you need to know it and that you feel surrounded by all the love and support and encouragement you need to do whatever you feel called to do right now.

A perfect wish, don't you think?

Happiest of holidays to YOU.
Happiest.
xoxo

He's at the door.

Oh, how I loved the alter piece "The Daughter of Jairus". Bloch chose to paint the story, not at the rising of Jairus' daughter as many others have done, but rather he focused on the point of deepest despair.

You cannot see it here, but there are tears in the mother's eyes. She looks like she has been up all night weeping over this sad circumstance she finds herself in.

But, the sun is coming up.
And with the sun comes light.
And with the light comes life.

She has not yet noticed Christ at the door.
But He is there.
He has come to rescue and to heal...
Right at the moment He is needed most.

That's what He does.
That's who He is.


image found here

I won't be licked by the fog

Do you know the story of Florence Chadwick?

She was the first woman to swim the English Channel.
Both ways (England to France and France to England).
So. small. feat.

Two years later she attempted to be the first woman to swim the 21-miles from the Southern California coast to Catalina Island.
The water was 48 degrees.
The fog was thick.
Visibility? Nearly nada.

She finally quit.
Only to find out she was a half mile from her goal as she was pulled into the support boat.
A half mile.

When she was asked by reporters why she had quit when she was so close, Florence said:
"I was licked by the fog."

She swam 20.5 miles of her 21 mile journey.
And she quit.
Because she couldn't see the shoreline.

A similar thing had almost happened on her earlier attempt to swim the English Channel. The fog was too much and Florence became discouraged. But this time, when she wanted to be pulled into the boat, it was her father who pointed out how close she was to shore. Florence lifted her head, saw land, and finished what she started.

Yesterday, I was oh so close to being licked by the fog.

It was officially the 12 week mark to the half-marathon.
And the setbacks of February have done just that...set me back.
And while it is not an option in my mind to quit,
not an option at all,
I could feel discouragement setting in and I was oh so tempted to let it.

After a run that should not have done me in, I could not see how it would be physically possible to do what I've committed to do.

But, this morning I was led to the story of my new friend Florence.
And the way I was led to the story is a living testament that there is a living God who knows our lives intimately.
My heart tells me my Father is pointing out how close I might be to the shore.

And I've lifted my head to look.

I cannot see that shoreline right now.
I really really can't.
BUT
I know that it's there.
I know He will help me.

And when I look at how far I've come already?
Who's to say I'm not at mile 20.5 in this part of my journey.

So, for the next 12 weeks, I am focused on a shoreline I cannot see.
And I am pressing through the fog.
Perhaps my new friend Florence got licked by it all those years ago so that I wouldn't be licked by it today.

I'll love her forever for that.



(image found here)

just as much as i need to see

This morning as I knelt to pray, I optimistically asked the Lord to show me "just as much as I need to see". I loved that sentiment as soon as those words left my lips. But, I knew the expression was not my own. I had heard those words before.


"Therefore, let not your hearts faint...Mine angel shall go up before you...and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land." [D&C 103:17–20]

What goodly land?
Your goodly land.
Your promised land.
Your New Jerusalem.
Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey.
Your future.
Your dreams.
Your destiny.
I believe that in our own individual ways,
God takes us to the grove
or the mountain or the temple
and there shows us the wonder
of what his plan is for us.
We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the brother of Jared did,
but we see as much as we need to see
in order to know the Lord's will for us
and to know that he loves us
beyond mortal comprehension.

I also believe that the adversary
and his pinched, calculating little minions
try to oppose such experiences
and then try to darken them after the fact.

But that is not the way of the gospel.
That is not the way of a Latter-day Saint who claims
...the spirit of revelation.

With Paul, I say to all of you:
"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." [Hebrews 10:35–36]

Oh, Elder Holland.
Thank you.

(another gem from "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence", March 1999)

Look not behind thee.

It's a lesson I learned last year.
But, it bears repeating.



As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in...And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.

...No Lot’s wife here. No looking back at Sodom and Gomorrah here. Paul knows it is out there in the future, up ahead wherever heaven is taking us, that we will win “the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”
(Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Best Is Yet to Be")

a world of possibilities

IMPOSSIBLE

is just a big word

thrown around by small men who find it easier

to live in the world they've been given

than to explore the power they have to change it.

IMPOSSIBLE

is not a fact, it's an opinion.

IMPOSSIBLE

is not a declaration; it's a dare.

IMPOSSIBLE is potential

IMPOSSIBLE is temporary.

IMPOSSIBLE

is

nothing.

(attributed to Muhammad Ali)

But. If. Not. [Part 1]

(I was asked to speak in church today and I shared the "before" and "after" of an experience I've previously shared here.)

My sister and her husband have two amazing children, Isaac and Hannah. I love these kids. About 11 years ago (when Isaac was 4 and Hannah was 2), Heather and Harvey felt like it might be time to add more children to their family. An opportunity arose to foster care two twin newborns and they took it. It was always the intention and their understanding that the foster care was the means to adopt them (which would likely happen after a year). Isaac and Hannah were the products of adoption so they were fairly comfortable with the process.

I got to spend some time in their home just weeks after the twins arrived. I remember staying up late with one twin so Heather could try and get some sleep before the other awoke. It was an exhausting and amazing week.

For a year we loved those boys. We had vacation time with them. We took family pictures with them. They were every bit a part of our family as any children could be. And we were excited when the "year mark" arrived.

But then the news came that it looked like the boys were to be reunited with their birth family. That should be happy news, I suppose...children should be with their their birth family whenever possible. The problem was the situation they were to be returned to was not a good one. And the boys WERE with their family...US.

I remember that we talked about fasting and praying and petitioning the Lord for a miracle. I specifically recall that I didn't remember a single time my family had ever asked for a miracle. SURELY the Lord would grant a request like this. Staying in our family meant these boys would have the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Staying in our family meant the hope of a life filled with primary and youth conference and missions and the temple.

Yes, surely the Lord would grant such a request.

We fasted and prayed.
I remember one night sincerely telling the Lord that if my sister could have these boys, I would forego blessings of children He might have in store for me. Those words actually came out of my mouth and I meant every word.

This miracle was THAT important.

But the day came when my sister and her husband were told to return those boys to the care of the state at about the time of their first birthday.
The boys were gone.
And I. was. devastated.

God had not granted our request.
He had not listened to my plea.
He had not intervened.

I spent the next year or so feeling distanced from God.
I was very guarded in my prayers.
I never wanted to set myself up for that kind of heartbreak again.

So, when I found myself sitting in the balcony of a session of General Conference, I was not prepared for one of the talks I heard. The speaker shared the story of two twins, dealing with health issues, and the prospects for survival did not look good. The family fasted and prayed for a miracle.

As if it were yesterday, I remember that my heart started to sink.
"Please have the story end with the death of the twins. Please don't let them live."

I so desperately needed a message of "sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes God does not grant the miracle."

The story ended.
The family got their miracle.
And although the speaker then refered to times when things don't work out like they did for them (which I realized upon rereading the talk), I heard nothing else.

All I heard was "God grants needed miracles. He just doesn't grant yours."

And, in an instant, in a hall filled with 20,000 people, I was entirely alone.
The downward spiral that had begun upon the loss of the twins was now in a full downward trajectory.
I was numb.
My faith was shattered.

It was a few weeks later that I found myself teaching the children in Primary.
That is when the Lord saved my faith.
He gave me a miracle as He used a 9 year old boy to teach me Part 1 of what I so desperately needed to learn.

Go read it.
That's the "before".
Part 2 will be the "after".
(See below.)

But. If. Not. [Part 2]

I can honestly say I spent the next three years rebuilding my faith and my relationship with the Lord.

I learned to pray differently.

I learned to seek differently.

I learned to live differently.

Looking back, of course, I can see lessons I needed to learn that I could have only learned through that experience and the impact that experience had on me.

My faith and my testimony were taken to a place they hadn't been before.
Perhaps that is why I was so ready to hear a life-changing message that literally would AND has changed the course of my life...the course of my testimony...the state of my heart.

Three years later I found myself in that same Conference Center and I heard this:

"Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does.
Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not.
Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him...

Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not...
Our God will deliver us from loneliness, depression or fear, but if not...
Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not...
He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not...
Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not...
He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not...
We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not...
we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."
(Elder Dennis E. Simmons, But If Not..., April 2004)

My heart felt settled in a way it never had before.
I felt confident in a way I had not felt before.
My testimony felt resolved in a way I had never experienced before.

Elder Simmons said, "Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God's great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true."

It's been a decade since my sister had to give up those twins.
With faith, she walked into that building and handed them over.
And in many ways, she never looked back.
She and my brother-in-law are a living example of "but if not".

And though it took me a lot longer to get there, I'm trying to be one too.

When something's perplexing...

If God chooses to teach us
the things we most need to learn
because He loves us,
and if He seeks
to tame our soul and gentle us
in the way we most need to be tamed
and most need to be gentled,
it follows that He will
customize the challenges He gives us
and individualize them
so that we will be prepared for life in a better world
by His refusal to take us out of this world,
even though we are not of it.

In the eternal ecology of things
we must pray, therefore,
not that things be taken from us,
but that God's will be accomplished through us.

What, therefore, may seem to be
mere unconnected pieces of tile
will someday, when we look back,
take form and pattern,
and we will realize
God was making a mosaic.

For there is in each of our lives
this kind of divine design,
this pattern,
this purpose
that is in the process of becoming,
which is continually before the Lord
but which for us,
looking forward,
is sometimes perplexing.

-Neal A. Maxwell ("But for a Small Moment", 1974)

When God was just around the corner

(Someone shared this new video with me today and I can't shake the feeling to share why it means so much to me. So...I'm sharing.)

It was September 20, 1999.
A Monday.
I was at work late, as I often was in those days.
I was tired. I was spent. I was done.

And at about 6:30 p.m. when the printer jammed, I completely lost it. The kind of "lost it" where you begin to sob. Right then and there.

I don't think I even turned off my computer. I just got in my car from my downtown office and drove out to Sandy to see my Grandpa and Grandma. I sat on the couch and cried while Grandma held me in her arms.

Grandpa asked what was wrong and I couldn't tell them.
I didn't know for sure.
I just knew I was sad and that I had been for a while.
And I was mad, though I wasn't quite sure at who.
And I felt completely alone, even when in a sea of people.

Grandpa gave me a blessing and hoped I would be okay.

But the next day I didn't want to get out of bed.
And I didn't.
The day after repeated itself.
I spent the week isolated and sad, getting myself out just to go to the temple or take an ocassional walk.
I missed a friend's birthday.
I didn't answer my phone.
I didn't go back to work.

Eventually, the Lord helped me in the form of someone who really was qualified to help me. I've talked about that help a little bit before.

But, the sweetest form of help came that very next week.
It was Saturday, October 2nd.
I opened the blinds in my little 400 sq foot studio cottage.
The sun was shining through.
I remember the sun.
And I sat through two sessions of General Conference.
I don't remember feeling anything.
I don't remember crying. I had long run out of tears.

But, I remember to this day how I felt when the world stopped during the very last talk of the Saturday afternoon session. And Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, gave the most masterful talk.

He was speaking just to me. I KNEW he was.



I learned that day that God knew me and He knew what I had endured the previous two weeks. He heard every prayer and watched every tear.
And He knew what was ahead; some might say just around the corner.

That single talk has blessed my life many times since then.

There truly is "an high priest of good things to come".
And SO MUCH GOOD has come into my life because of Him.
I'm not even close to the girl I was that day.
God was in the experience and in the journey.
For me, He was just around the corner.
And so was a lifetime of "good things to come".

Looking forward

Yesterday, a young 21-year-old guy (who's been home from him mission for 4 months) gave one of the best talks I think I've ever heard about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And it was one of those moments when I heard things that weren't even being said. The Lord used that time to teach me...

And then, at the end his talk, he said he wanted to share his favorite scripture. And I don't quite know how to explain it but I knew what scripture he was getting ready to share. It was like the spirit was talking just 10 seconds ahead of him. And I felt one of those "listen up" invitations that the spirit can be so good at giving.

"And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:62)

I'm not quite ready to go there, I thought.
It's time, came the reply.

And I had to acknowledge that recently I too put my hand to the plough.
I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do.
But, I've spent a lot of time the last several weeks "looking back".
And I realized as he shared that scripture that the "looking back" is holding me back.

And then today, my mind has reflected on one of the great talks by Elder Holland that he gave a year ago at BYU, Remember Lot's Wife

"To yearn to go back to a world that cannot be lived in now; to be perennially dissatisfied with present circumstances and have only dismal views of the future; to miss the here-and-now-and-tomorrow because we are so trapped in the there-and-then-and-yesterday—these are some of the sins, if we may call them that, of...Lot’s wife..."

And while I don't think I'm "dissatisfied with my present circumstances", nor do I "have only a dismal view of the future", I have been yearing to go back...worried I made a mistake...needing reassurance that I didn't.
I've been looking back.

Elder Holland continues:"Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us..."

I know that I still have some things to figure out.
I know I still have much to learn.
And I am aware I have a bit of a journey still ahead.

But...that's just it...it's AHEAD.

And so, that's where I'm going.
Because I can't look back anymore.
I won't look back anymore.

My little heart

If it will make you feel more comfortable, I'll act like I'm okay.
If it will help me to move on, I'll stop talking about it.
If it will let me look stronger, I'll appear to be resolved.

But...

My little heart knows I feel alone even in a crowded room.
My little heart wishes things were different.
My little heart is wondering if she did the right thing.

Every one of us has times
when we need to know
things will get better...
Everyone needs to be able
to look forward to some respite,
to something pleasant
and renewing
and hopeful,
whether that blessing be near at hand
or still some distance ahead.
It is enough just to know we can get there,
that however measured or far away,
there is the promise of "good things to come".
Even if you cannot always see
that silver lining on your clouds,
God can,
for He is the very source of the light you seek.
He does love you,
and He knows your fears.
He hears your prayers.
He is your Heavenly Father,
and surely He matches with His own
the tears His children shed.
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I'm grateful to know there is One who knows
...my little heart.

In place of my fears

A couple of years ago, Tammy gave me this little 3x5 card:I was trying to open my heart to a new relationship and it was scary to me. And I probably spent way too much time worrying about the outcome.

As it turned out, "it" turned out just like I worried it would.
Just like I feared it would.

Self-fulfilling prophecy?
Or just the way it was meant to be?

I know now it was the way it was "meant to be".

But, I've been thinking about faith a lot lately.
More specifically, it's role in the outcome of my life.
And not just random "faith in Laurel" but real deeply-rooted faith...in the Lord.
I thought about it yesterday as I spent some time in the temple.
And I was thinking about it this morning as I knelt in morning prayer.

But something happened when I started to pray this morning.
My spirit took over.
Does that ever happen to you?
You know, when you start praying in a way you didn't mean to...or haven't before. It's like my little spirit said, "could we please get to the heart of the real issue here?"

And the next thing I knew I was presenting my "I fear" list to the Lord.
I didn't even know I had one.

But, once I started, it just kept coming.
I acknowledged out loud...to HIM...all the things I fear.
And not just in my current situation, but in life in general.
It was an awakening for me.
No wonder I struggle with faith at times.
And I realized that as I gave those fears (some of them more deeply-rooted than my faith) a voice.
I put them out there.

It was cleansing.
It was liberating.

And then, it was faith-building.

I felt, in a way I haven't before, a desperate need for faith.
Knowing that ONLY FAITH can overcome those fears.
And knowing that the kind of faith I need can only come through the help of Heaven,
I was more aware of my desperate need for Him.

A desperate need for HIM...
...in place of my fears.

Liberating.

"I sought the Lord,
and he heard me,
and delivered me
from all my fears."
Psalm 34:4