it's simple, really.

"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.
"I just wanted to be sure of you."
~A.A. Milne

Love & Louisville

About four years ago, I got my little heart stomped on...quite unkindly (as if there is any other way to stomp on a girl's heart).
But that's a story for another day.
(Though really, now that so much time has passed, it is a pretty good story. I should tell it some time.)

And a few weeks later I found myself on a road trip (in Sedona, AZ...I highly recommend it, btw) with two of my dearest friends in all the world and that very weekend, while one relationship was ending (the one I was in), another one was just beginning when Angela got a phone call from a great guy asking her out on their very first date.

Pam and I predicted they would marry.
Well, because that's what girlfriends on a weekend getaway do.

And.
We. Were. Right.

Four years later and this past weekend, I found myself in Louisville joining in on all the festivities.

(the tree lined street to the Country Club)

(The Hurstbourne...additional wedding pics, including a horse drawn carriage bringing the bride right to the aisle are forthcoming...yep...this was a Southern Wedding in style!)

I got to participate in the ceremony with a reading.
And I even got to choose it (with the bride's approval, of course.)

I am a CS Lewis devotee.
I love his mind and his way with words.
And while he has said a lot of really significant things,
this little gem, from Mere Christianity, is perhaps the most signficant-est of them all.
At least right now it seems to be.

And I started with a few words from Paul when he spoke in Corinth (and this is the NIV version, which I confess is much cooler than the King James version on this particular passage. Don't judge me for thinking that.)

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love. Never. Fails.
(punctuation was added by me. Don't blame that on the NIV.)

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing.
There are many things below it, but there are also things above it.
You cannot make it the basis of a whole life.
It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling.
Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity,
or even to last at all.
Knowledge can last,
principles can last,
habits can last;
but feelings come and go.
And in fact, whatever people say,
the state called 'being in love' usually does not last.

If the old fairy-tale ending 'They lived happily ever after'
is taken to mean 'They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married',
then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true,
and would be highly undesirable if it were.
Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?
What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?

But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love.
Love in this second sense -
love as distinct from 'being in love'
-is not merely a feeling.
It is a deep unity,
maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit;
reinforced by the grace which both partners ask,
and receive, from God.
They can have this love for each other even at moments when they do not like each other;
as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself.
They can retain this love even when each would easily,
if they allowed themselves,
be 'in love' with someone else.
'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity:
this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.
It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run:
being in love was the explosion that started it.

Pretty darn fantastic, don't you think?

Here's to that kind of love...

Finding peace

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives,
I have come to believe that
in between these two extremes
is peace.
~Author Unknown

And I'm doing a pretty good job of it, if I do say so myself.

Thanks, Katy Perry

I think I owe you an apology.

You see, I haven't really thought much of you.
I think you push the envelope.
I'm just not really a fan.

BUT.

This morning, Miss Perry?
Well, this morning, your song "Firework" just seemed like the most brilliant song ever written.
Oh, I've heard it before.
It's on my playlist for running.
But, for some reason this morning, at 5am, it just spoke to me.
And it got me to run...
really really run...
like I used to.

I forgot how much I loved to run at 5am.

And I was smiling.
And I felt strong.

And you know something?
I was back.
Totally back.
The Laurel from March and April and May and June.
She. was. back.
Running.
Like runners do.

It's been a rough little bit, Miss Perry.
I'm not gonna lie.
I've had more rough days then good days the last little while.
This thing I've started that I knew was going to be the hardest thing I ever did?
Well, it's been just that.
And it's found itself smack dab in the middle of hard things.

And I don't know.
Maybe I just needed a good "boom boom boom"
or a classic "oh oh oh".
Maybe I just needed a reminder I could shine.

Either way, Miss Perry. I owe you a little apology.
Because for good or bad, I totally needed you this morning.
I don't want to be bffs or anything,
And I still think you could do a whole lotta good if you wouldn't push the envelope.
And I'll never come see you in concert.
And I'm not going to become a fan or anything.
But...
Well...
Thanks.

I'm a firework.
I am.

"I have obtained"

I woke up this morning almost paralyzed.
The details are not important but I found myself stuck.
Completely stuck with fear.
Fear of what might be.
Fear of what might not.
Fear of what might have been.
Fear of what wasn't.

Simply put, I was a mess.

In the midst of what is truly the best time of my life, I am fighting waves of fear...disbelief...questions...doubts.

It's hard to admit because my TOFW message this fall (did you know I've been speaking at TOFW events? I'll be in Richmond and Phoenix and Salt Lake City too) is all about FAITH which is the antithesis of fear.

I had a moment during my message Friday night in Reno where I knew what I was saying was just for me. Because I had been struggling. I knew it. And He knew it. Thankfully, the women didn't know it.

But, it lasted all weekend.
And this morning, it was just too much.

I had a strong impression to open my scriptures and I found myself reading 1 Nephi 5.

The prophet Lehi has sent his sons back to Jerusalem to get the family records and scriptures. The boys haven't returned and Lehi's wife Sariah is certain the boys have perished. She is certain.
And she's mad. Really mad.

Lehi's response is interesting to me.
He reminds his wife he had a vision and never would have left Jerusalem had he not had the vision. He was simply following the Lord.
And in all the times I have read that chapter, I have never noticed his next choice of words.

His past-tense choice of words.

"I have obtained a land of promise, in the which things I do rejoice..." (vrs. 5)

Did you catch that?

Lehi is in the wilderness.
They have yet to journey to, let alone arrive in, the land of promise he was, well, promised.
And yet, he talks as if he is already there.
As if the Lord has already given it to him.

Oh I love that.

And do you want to know why?

One of the cross references takes you to Ephesians 1:11:
"In whom we have obtained an inheritance, being predestinated according to the purpose of Him who worketh all things after the counsel of His own will."

Lehi trusted that God keeps His promises.
He trusted that God's promises were set in motion long ago.
And if God keeps His promises that were set in motion long ago, Lehi could live as if God already had kept this promise and that it had been given to Lehi already.

Therefore...

No matter the darts of questioning and disbelief and doubt the Adversary tries to throw my way to convince me, like he did Sariah, that the end is already written...and that it doesn't end up the way God has promised me it will...No matter, I can choose to believe like Lehi.
Because I either believe God's promises to me or I don't.
I either believe God's promises were put in place long ago or they weren't.

And I believe His promises.
And I believe they are in place.
I believe there IS a story already written but it's HIS story for me.
HIS story.
The one that is "predestinated according to His purpose".

And if I believe that, well,
then I, like Lehi, can say "I have obtained."

And I, like Lehi, can live as if I already have.


(image found here)

Elder Holland's talk today

What?
You didn't hear it?

Well, let me be the one to share it with you then.

First you should know that I cannot count the number of times the Lord has used Elder Jeffrey R. Hollandto talk to me, particularly during challenging times when I have felt overwhelmed or forgotten.

The first time Elder Holland was that mouthpiece in an unmistakable way was in 1999, perhaps one of the darkest times in my life.
I can still tell you everything about that day.
And I still remember the sunlight that streamed through my little studio apartment when he stood to give the classic talk "An High Priest of Good Things to Come".
I felt as though that talk was written just for me.
I've since lost track of how many times I've read and reread and devoured that incredible message.

After that, it honestly got to the point where whenever I would take a question to General Conference (that's what I do), I just knew my answer would come through Elder Holland. And sometimes when I didn't have anything particular on my mind, I just waited for him to stand and speak so I would know what the Lord would have me focus on (really. sometime when you're bored, review his talks and for the most part you can follow the journey of my life...at least since 1999).

The last few weeks have been difficult.
I have felt overwhelmed and exhausted.
I have felt worried and unbelieving.
It's been one of those times in my life when I have not been able to address my Father aloud in prayer without tears falling.

I have been looking forward to this General Conference weekend because I knew I needed it.

And so, honestly, when I learned that Elder Holland spoke last night in the Priesthood session, I felt a little bit anxious (nay, dare I say bitter?...grin).
"Who will talk to me tomorrow?" I wondered.

And then came sweet Elder Hales this morning.

"Too often we pray to have patience but we want it right now."
"Sincere prayer is answered sometime, somewhere."
"He that watches over us shall neither slumber nor sleep."

As I listened to Elder Hales,
as I felt the power of his words,
as I felt the sweet love of a Father who knows my heart,
as I felt a commitment to trust and believe and wait on Him,
I was reminded of the goodness of God to prepare us in all things.

Several years ago, I embarked on my own journey to understand what "waiting" really means and what the Lord wanted of me and expected of me during my period of waiting for His promised blessings.

Last year, because of a heartbreak, I had reason to revisit that journey and wrote a series of posts about "waiting" and what I had been learning.

And while I think He needed to teach me something in 2010, I see today that perhaps He needed me to have a need for it then so He could give me a message today when I needed it even more. I think it's amazing...remarkable...how He does that.

Because while I do need the reminder to "wait on the Lord" and am so grateful for the powerful way Elder Hales delivered that message this morning, I also needed the reminder that sometimes...sometimes...the Lord is waiting too.

I went to those posts and read them as soon as the session was over.
And I add this little gem (which, unsurprisingly, comes from Elder Holland) to Elder Hales marvelous message today:

"God expects you to have enough faith
and determination
and enough trust in Him to keep moving,
keep living,
keep rejoicing.
In fact,
He expects you not simply to face the future...
He expects you to embrace and shape the future—
to love it
and rejoice in it
and delight in your opportunities.

God is anxiously waiting
for the chance to answer your prayers
and fulfill your dreams,
just as He always has.
But He can't if you don't pray,
and He can't if you don't dream.
In short,
He can't if you don't believe."

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
"Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast", CES Fireside, Sept. 2004

I'm renewing past commitments today.
To believe.
To dream.
To remember the Optimist Experiment.

And this month, I'm going to focus on meeting God's expectations.
Not His demands.
Not His need for my perfection.
But, His expectation of my waiting on Him to pour down all that He has waiting to give me.

And He can only do that if I pray.
And He can only do that if I dream.
And He can only do that if I believe.
So I will.

And that's what I got from the talk Elder Holland [didn't] give at General Conference today.

Thank you, Elder Hales, for being my Elder Holland this morning.