a good cry

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart

don't know how to laugh either.
(Golda Meir)
(Don't we love Miss Golda?)

I felt it brimming all day yesterday.
That feeling you get when you know if someone just asked you the right question

or looked at you that certain way or let the silence last long enough,

you'd lose it all and start the kind of cry that could last for days.

And I don't know that I could even tell you why.
(Well, I could tell you one of the reasons but since we aren't just girls here, I'll spare the details.)

But just even that one reason (the one that messes with your hormones, you know)

was all it took for the dam to break

and the flood of tears to wash out

my little heart.

Flicka called this morning and told me to just say anything I've wanted to say for the last few months.

And I realized it's been an amazing journey

but it's also been hard

and scary and new and overwhelming.

And while I've felt confident and strong and courageous and determined,

I've also felt unsure and weak and frightened and tired.

And that's a whole lot of emotions for this little chica.

And so.
I cried.
I said whatever came to my mind

and let myself just feel whatever I was feeling.

And I cried some more.

What is it about a good cry

that makes you feel horrible when it starts

and totally okay when it's over?
What is it about a good cry that is so cleansing?

I'll let you know as soon as this good cry is over.
And, I'm okay, of course. That's what a "good" cry is all about.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,

and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for

that which has been your delight.
(Kahlil Gibran)

to the girl on the front row: FIGHT ON.

I'm not gonna lie.
I wasn't feeling great today and wasn't sure how to pull off speaking tonight.
I hoped I could "dial it in" and just rehash the message from last weekend.
I wasn't feeling anything particularly strong.
I didn't sense that there was a specific anything that needed to be said.

And then you walked in with...your sisters?
You were late and the only seats were on the front row.

When I stood to speak, our eyes locked.
Often, girls look away when that happens.
But, you didn't.
And I knew there was something He needed you to hear.
I said, as I always do, that my job was to stay out of the way so the Spirit could give you girls the message God needed you to hear.
But sometimes I know I don't stay out of the way like I need to.
Seeing you there, though, I wanted to try a little harder.

We both knew it, didn't we?
We both knew the moment He was talking to you.
I'm pretty sure it wasn't what I was saying...
it was what you were hearing.
And I just needed to stay out of the way.

When I came to find you after it was all over, you have to know I don't often do that. It feels presumptuous of me to try to help you see what had just happened.
But I knew I had to. I knew I needed to try and help interpret for you what He had just done.
So, when I asked you if you were happy, and you said that you were not,
And when I asked you if it was hard, and you said that it was,
I knew I didn't know anything about your life.
But I knew that He wanted you to know how concerned He is for you...
how much He loves you...
how long He will wait for you to talk to Him.
He'll wait if He has to.
That's what He does.

And I made you promise you would never forget that He spoke to you tonight.
You said you never would.

I don't know if anything I said clicked.
I don't know if you really will pray tonight (but hopefully the "pinky swear" meant something to you). But, I asked Him all the way home to respond to you. I knew I didn't need to ask. I just wanted to.

And now, as I sit here tonight, I'm wishing I had been more prepared with a little card with a little quote that maybe...just maybe...would speak to you as much as it once spoke to me (and in many ways still does).

This is for you, girl on the front row.
This is for you.

If your eyes are always on your shoelaces,
if all you can see is this class or that test,
this date or that roommate,
this disappointment or that dilemma,
then it really is quite easy
to throw in the towel
and stop the fight.

But what if it is the fight of your life?
Or more precisely if it is the fight for your life,
your eternal life at that?
What if beyond this class or that test,
this date or that roommate,
this disappointment or that dilemma,
you really can see and can hope
for all the best and right things that God has to offer?

Oh, it may be blurred a bit
by the perspiration running into your eyes,
and in a really difficult fight
one of the eyes might even be closing a bit,
but faintly, dimly, and ever so far away
you can see the object of it all.
And you say it is worth it,
you do want it,
you will fight on.
Like Coriantumr,
you will lean upon your sword to rest a while,
then rise to fight again (see Ether 15:24­30).

(Elder Holland, "However Long and Hard the Road")

Fight on, my young friend.
Fight. On.

Help with 1 click of your mouse

Do you ever wish you could help and really make a difference?
Do you wish that one click of your mouse could help change a life?

Well, you can.
Your mouse can.

And here are two great ways to do something good today...

HELP JENNY FIGHT CANCER:

Do you remember my friend Jenny?Well, my "Christmas Jar" (that included donations from some of you...THANK YOU!) went into a pot of other friends and helped get her wig. I love knowing that a little piece of me (and some of you) finds myself upon her head whenever she wears it.

Makes me happy.

Jenny is truly one of the best people I know. I have been overwhelmed reading about her journey on her blog. I've wished I could be there. I've wanted to help.

And so I am doing what I can.

You see, this cancer thing, in addition to being a relentless challenge, is also very expensive (as many of you know). And so some of us are trying to spread the word about the best way to show love on Valentine's Day.

It's the We Love Jenny Auction. Jenny has a lot of talented friends and many of them are donating handcrafted items...or blog designs...or...so many fun things!
They provide.
You bid and get something really cool.
And all the proceeds go to help Jenny's fight.
How great is that?

The auction takes place on February 14th. So mark your calendars.
(But, please don't bid on this. It's MINE!)


HELP JENNIFER HELP THE WORLD:

My friend Jen is doing something pretty extraordinary for her 40th birthday and she's pretty darn serious about it. She's raising $40,000 for her Ethiopian friends. She's done some incredible work in that African country. She has totally inspired me...and I want to help.

Every dollar will make a difference in an actual life.
$20, for example, provides FOOD FOR ONE MONTH for one Ethiopian.
$30 pays for a child's education for ONE YEAR.
Isn't that amazing?

Please help if you can. Donate THIS WEEK. Go here for more information.

(All donations go through the Hope Arising Organization and are tax deductible.)

I'm here.

I overheard someone say the other day "You're living in a future that doesn't exist yet and not taking advantage of the 'here and now'."

That used to be SO me.
I was constantly in a future that didn't exist yet.
And I wasted a lot of time worrying or wondering about something that might not ever be.

I think one of my favorite things about my current life is that for the first time ever, I'm not concerned with what's ahead...I mean, no disrespect to my blog title...I know there is a corner coming...but I'm not thinking about it.

It's all about what I need to do today.
It's all about who's in my life today.
It's all about how I feel today.

Please don't misunderstand.
Goals and planning and vision for the future are important.

But...at least for the next little while, it's all about the "here and now".
That's where I'm at.
I'm here.

And can I tell you how much I love this place?


image found here

The girl in the mirror

I used to keep the blinds closed if I was still in my office once it got dark outside. The dark on the outside and the office lights on the inside turned that window I was looking out into a mirror.

An unforgiving mirror.
That showed a girl who was really tired and worn out.
She oddly felt like a stranger to me at times.

But, now in the morning (when it's often still dark outside) I find myself not just looking into that mirror, but having a little chat with the girl looking back at me.
Something about her is so familiar.

I feel like I know her now.
Or know her better.
She's a little tired but not too tired.
She's committed and working hard.
And she wants this.
OH she wants this.

And I feel the need to look at her and tell her it's so worth it and to keep going and, oh by the way, she's actually looking pretty. That's not something that I would have ever been able to say to her before.

Maybe I wasn't looking hard enough.
Or maybe I was looking too hard.
Either way, that girl in the mirror looks different to me now.

Feels different too.

God takes care of His girls

I was with a really great group of girls last night in Kaysville, UT.
I felt like all I wanted to tell them was how much their Father in Heaven loves them.
How much He wants to bless them.
How well He takes care of them.
And how much they can trust Him.

I felt it with everything I had.
And I love the way I feel when I know that...you know?

I have often said (as I said last night to those girls) that I don't believe God loves His daughters any more than He loves His sons.
I really don't.
But, I do believe He loves us differently.

In the back of my new little book, I invited the girls to email me directly to my gmail address (It didn't seem like a crazy idea at the time. It's still not crazy but I have been a little ovewhelmed by the responses. Though SO GRATEFUL and humbled by these incredible girls and their testimonies. Really, the world is in very good hands.)

An email I just received from one anxious girl totally made me smile.
Oh, I remember being her.

Hi you don't know me but i have read just the first chapter in your book. The one about faith. Well i have a question for you if your ok with answering it. How did it all work out?? Because as of right now I'm in that exact same position!!!! I am in love with the most amazing and religious guy that i know. He has helped with my testimony and has earned a special place in my heart. I met him at EFY and we are pretty good friends without him knowing that i'm crazy in love with him. and i have plans about him serving a mission and then him coming home and falling in love and getting sealed in the salt lake temple but i'm scared that it won't happen and i won't be happy. that he will marry another girl and i won't be happy. and yes i have prayed about it alot but i keep getting the answer that he knows the desires of my heart.its all i want is to be sealed to him but idk whats going to happen i want to know how your happily ever after happened?help please;)

Hmmm...what to do?
Do I tell her what really happened?
Do I risk devastating her young heart?
I mean, I know what she wants me to say...
She wants to hear the same "happily ever after" I wanted to hear when I was her. (Um, who am I kidding...that I *still* want to hear...).
Seriously. What to say?

Well, this is what I said:

Oh, I can totally hear the anxiousness in your heart and I SO get it. I do. This is a big deal. When you have given a guy (especially a great one) a little bit of your heart, it's a scary thing.

I can tell you that there have been a few guys that I really gave my heart to that I thought I'd marry...that I wanted to marry. And I thought my world would be shattered if it didn't happen. And I didn't marry either of them.
Of course, I was so sad.

But, you know what?
It's all okay.
In fact, it's better than okay.

And here is why and here is what you HAVE to know:
Heavenly Father already knows the guy you're going to end up with. And He needs YOU to focus on YOU and getting yourself to where you need to be and becoming the woman He needs you to be. I don't know what's going to happen with this guy that you love right now. AND...unfortunately, it's not for you to know either. Not right now.

But, I promise you...I PROMISE YOU...that Heavenly Father will take care of you. He will. And He will take care of your heart. I Promise.

SO...you keep being this guy's friend. You keep being the amazing [name]. You keep living your life and enjoying the moments and reading your scriptures and saying your prayers and trust that Heavenly Father will take care of everything. SO much can and will happen between now and then. You just put a smile on your face and trust that He is taking care of everything. He is orchestrating details of your life right now to give you every happiness He can.

(And isn't that exciting?)

Heavenly Father takes care of His daughters. I promise you that.

xoxo
laurel

I am a girl who knows my Father takes care of His daughters.
He loves His girls...and takes care of our hearts.
He gives us a lifetime of "happily ever after".
He really really does.

Surf's Up!

In addition to having one of the best experiences I've ever had with young women (really...they were remarkable girls...and I totally want to move to San Clemente...for the air, the views of the beach, AND the girls...more about that later), I also finally figured out my "reward" for finishing (without dying) the half marathon.

I, Laurel Changing-My-Life Christensen,
am going to surf...
on an actual surfboard...
in an actual ocean.
It's never been on any sort of bucket list.
I don't even really like to swim.
And yet...

I met a guy this weekend (married...don't get all excited) who supposedly can teach anyone (really, anyone) to surf. And I had a little dream seeing the "post half marathon" me in a wet suit (I was hot, I'm not gonna lie). Apparently, in addition to being born to run, I think I *might* have been born to surf.

So...yeah...next August?
Me + surfboard + Doheny Beach = Surf's Up.

And I'm totally serious.
Totally.

California, here I come...

This was one of those things I felt like I needed to say "yes" to. I'm really really grateful for the opportunity to spend some time with these incredible girls (that's the feeling I have had about them) and their moms.

If you live in the area, you're welcome to come (and bring your girls)!

(and if you can't come, just say a little prayer tomorrow if you can...you know, at about 6:55PM Pacific Time. No matter how many times I do this, I always want to throw up a little bit right before. And mostly, I just really want to say what He needs the girls to hear).

Honesty pays.

I still remember the one and only time I cheated on a test in school. It was 7th grade. We had to identify all the parts of the cell. I had studied so hard for that test but I couldn't remember one silly little part. I knew the information. I did. Ms. Mahaffey had left a chart up on the board that could only be seen by my row. I just needed a prompt.

Endoplasmic reticulum.

I wrote it down on the paper.
Turned it in when the bell rang.
School was out for the day and I got on the bus and went home.

Late that night after I had gone to bed, I got up and made my way to the side of my parent's bed. I was crying and crying. I remember so well not being able to tell my mom what horrible thing I had done (bless my heart). She helped me figure out what to do to make it right.

I wrote Ms. Mahaffey a note and delivered it first thing the next morning. In Kentucky, corporal punishment was alive and well at school. Most of the teachers kept the paddles out where you could see them and I knew that was a potential consequence for cheating.

I worried about it all day until 7th period.

Ms. Mahaffey called me out into the hall.
"Here it comes," I thought.
"I've been teaching a long time," she said, "and I've never had any student actually admit to me they cheated. Do you promise never to cheat on a test again?"
"I promise."

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a good storyteller (I get that from my dad) and I'm prone to hyperbole (dad, go here for the definition), but my moral compass won't let me get away with dishonesty. I think that started in 7th grade.

*******

I finally got the call this afternoon that my car was all fixed up and ready to go. But, I had "dinged" my rental car so I needed to get resourceful.

I decided that it might be better and cheaper for me in the long run to just have the repair shop fix it up and pay direct (who needs the hassle of insurance...or um the points against me...or um the embarrassment of admitting that I dinged a rental while my own car was getting repaired because of an accident that was my fault.)

Larry was super nice and told me several stories of other drivers so I wouldn't feel quite so dumb (like the two totaled cars sitting in the lot from the same driver. The guy had totaled his car that morning then borrowed his sister's car and it was totaled by noon. Funny, it didn't make me feel better. Just made me feel like I was as stupid as that guy).

Larry took some chemical and cleaned off the white paint.
Then he took a buffer and buffed out the scuffs.
Then he washed it up and made it look like new.

Only problem was that apparently, I had actually dented the frame a bit.
To the unskilled eye, you couldn't tell.
At all.
But, Larry knew.
And now I knew.
He said it was a $600 fix.

UGH.

"But, really, I wouldn't even worry about it. They'll never notice. It looks as good as new. It's a rental. Just don't tell them and they won't know."

I didn't sense Larry was like a dishonest guy. I think he was actually just a really practical guy and was looking out for me.

I got into the rental to take it back to Enterprise and wondered what I should do. Was it really that big of a deal? I thought of the experience in 7th grade. I suspected if I didn't tell them when I dropped it off, I'd be at their door at 3am crying and crying (bless my heart).

But, seriously. ANOTHER $500 deductible?
The car looked great. Did I really need to say something?

I called a dear friend to see what he would do.
"You can't not tell, Laurel."
I knew he was right.
Of course that was the right thing to do.

I walked into the office.
Guy #1 was busy with another customer.
Guy #2 was coming towards me (and I'm not gonna lie, he was one tall dark drink of water).

"How do you feel about honesty?" I asked.
Before he could even answer, I added, "Like do you appreciate honesty? Does it really pay?"

He smiled and said, "Why don't you tell me what happened and we'll go from there."

I told him everything about my stupid morning.
I told him about the repair shop.
I showed him how amazing the car looked.
But, that, ultimately, I needed him to know what I had done.

"I can't believe you told us about this," he said. "Really. It looks great. I'm not going to do anything. Don't worry about it."

We went back in.
We chatted while he finished up the paperwork.
I might have been a little flirty.
He asked me to sign my name.
Then I remembered I hadn't filled up the gas.
He told me not to worry about it.
"Oh, you've already been too nice about this. I have to at least pay for the gas."
"No, really," he said. "See...it pays to be honest,"

And it does.
It does.

PS...the story ends with the guy giving me his card. Wrote down his cell phone and everything. No kidding. "You know...for the next time you need a rental car." Oh, okay, tall drink of water. (I mean, I knew I was having a good hair day, but, really?)

I guess at Enterprise, when they say "We'll pick you up", they really mean it.
Wah. ha. ha.

HELP WANTED: Driving Miss Laurel

I am officially hiring a driver.
Because I had an accident on December 24th & I've been in a rental everyday since.
And I don't like the color OR the smell of it.
And I just found out yesterday my insurance stops paying for the rental today.

But, I don't have my car back yet because they found more damage (I was hit twice by the same vehicle, thank you very much.)
And so I was bugged that I would have to pay for an ugly colored smelling car starting tomorrow.
But not as bugged as I am right now that I hit a cement barrier in the new parking structure at work this very morning.
With the rental car that I will now be responsible for repairing.

Yep.
True story.

So, I'm wondering if someone would like to come and be my driver?
Just take me places...maybe have some nice little chit chat?
I will even feed you yummy healthy 400 calorie lunches.
And most of the time I'm really rather funny.

Anyone?
Anyone?

Mr. Arnold, are you interested?
You can even bring Mrs. Arnold and I'll take you to dinner in Park City! (grin)

Cute.

(the tote bag...not me...though really...they say the camera adds 10 lbs but for some reason this camera took like 20 lbs off instead. And I am not complaining.)



Join us on the tour!

And if you can't actually come, join the first-ever TOFW challenge.
Come on...you know you want to.
What is the one thing YOU are going to do this year?

Mile 1

(the following conversation took place this very morning. please refrain from judging the fact that it looks like I talk to myself. because, the truth is, I do.)

ME: We've got two minutes left of our warm-up. What are we going to do this morning?

Me: Well, I'm scheduled to do my distance intervals. I need to keep increasing how long I can run.

ME: Perfect. You know what we should do? We should run a mile.

Me: Um, I've never run a mile. It's my dirty little "running" secret. I'm probaby the only girl on the planet who calls herself a runner without having ever run a mile.

ME: Well, if we are running a half-marathon in June, we *probably* need to be able to run a mile.

Me: I know. I know. I just don't think I'm there yet.

ME: Warm-up is over. Start running. Treading speed.

*******

ME: You know, we ran for 7 minutes last week so we have to at least do that.

Me: I actually totally feel like I can.

ME: Um, we just hit 10 minutes.

Me: Holy cow. I know.

ME: Um, we just hit a mile. YOU JUST RAN A MILE. Recover.

Me: [silence]

ME: What are we thinking?

Me: I want this. I'm doing this.

ME: You want to do it again?

Me: Another mile? I'm not so sure I can.

ME: No one will know but us if we can't. Might as well give it a go. Treading speed again. Go.

Me: [smiling]

ME: We're at the 1/2 mile mark. Should we finish?

Me: [smiling but silent.]

ME: HOLY MACKANOLY. We're doing this, aren't we? We're running at like regular peoples speeds. Not for just one mile but for another one mile. Only 1/4 mile left. We got this?

Me: I don't know. Maybe it's enough I just ran a mile today. That was pretty huge.

ME: No one will know if we stop except us. There's no one here to impress or cheer us on. No one will know if you maxed out before you finished. But, we'll know if you finish before you max out.

*******

ME: Um, we just did a second mile. And there's no one even here but us to say "HOLY COW! That was amazing. You looked like a runner. You ran like a runner. WE are a runner."

Me: Amazing.

ME: Amazing.

Me: I might need to blog about it. Because it might be kind of nice if someone knew. I could use a "you are a runner" right about now. I know...I know...someday I'll be more mature. But, seriously. This was huge.

*******

I ran two miles today, people. TWO MILES.
And I never would have known I could run two if I hadn't tried Mile 1.
I think I love Mile 1.

Sometimes what we thought was going to be the hard thing,
isn't as hard as we thought.

I guess it comes down to, at least in part, how much we want it.
And I guess I know how much I do.

My want list

My young friend and I chatted for a bit today.

She's feeling the pull of the life she was living just two weeks ago. And we talked about the choice she has right now. I didn't know quite what to say and then I heard myself say this:

"The easy thing to do would be to go back to what you were doing, right? I mean, that's easy. That's why so many do it. You're choosing to do the hard thing. So OF COURSE it's difficult.

But, it won't always be hard.

You can either do the easy thing now and have a harder life later or you can do the hard thing now and have an easier life later.

What do you want?"

I knew I was talking to her.
But, honestly, I was talking to myself too.

Turns out this "change your life" thing is proving to be harder than either one of us wanted it to be.

Don't misunderstand...
She's still being clean.
I'm still working out.

But, it's hard.
This is a long unfamiliar road.
And there are moments when it just seems too big.
I realized today that during those moments, when all is said and done, it comes down to what you really really want.

I think my friend is too young right now to know for sure what she really wants.
(and so I'm just praying with all my heart she can do this.)

But, I'm not too young.
And I know what I want.

There are just a few things, really.
In fact, I've made a list of 9 (sure, I could have made a list of "10" but it turns out I only want "9"...)

Suffice it to say that these are the desires of my heart.
These are the things I finally know I can do.
These are the "[sighings] which cannot be uttered" (Rom. 8:26).

It's my want list.
And I finally wrote it down.
I'm going to read it every night this week...
I'm going to read it when my alarm goes off at 5:15 every morning...

And, well, I'm going to get up.
And I'm going to choose to do the hard thing now.

Because that's what girls like me do.
Because. I. Can.

Because He, "that is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think [or want], according to the power that worketh in us" (Eph 3:20), will help me.

Anyone else have a "want list"? Have you written it down?


(image from themusiczoo.com)

Whose goodness faileth never

The King of Love my Shepherd is,
Whose goodness faileth never;
I nothing lack if I am his
And he is mine forever.

I need to be in bed. I really do.
But, I find myself tonight needing to acknowledge the goodness of God. Maybe just for me, but acknowledge it nonetheless.

Tonight was my first speaking commitment since I started on this change in my life. I was looking forward to seeing what the experience would be like with this new head of mine because I've just noticed that so many other situations are different for me now.

Work meetings are different (and that's a post on its own).
Social gatherings are different.
Church is different.
Working out is different.
Being by myself is different.

Life is different.
Because I am different.

And so I assumed I would feel different standing in front of a group of girls...that I'd feel more passionate about the message or I'd feel more confident or I'd feel more connected.

But, I didn't feel any different.
Nothing about tonight was any different than the other times.
I was surprised.
And almost a little concerned.

Until just a few minutes ago when I tried to hit my head on the pillow, it dawned on me.

The King of Love my Shepherd is,
Whose goodness faileth never;
I nothing lack if I am his
And he is mine forever.

All those times before, even with all the stuff in my head that wasn't quite right, even with some false beliefs I held about myself, even with the insecurities and the sadness that sometimes found its way into my heart...

All those times before, He used me.
He helped me be who I needed to be.
He helped me feel what I needed to feel.
He helped me say what I needed to say.

Tonight, I know of the goodness of God in a way perhaps I didn't before. I see how He carried me, how He magnified me, how He used me, inspite of myself.

That's really what The King of Love does.
When we are His, when we are doing His work, when we are trusting in Him, we have everything. Because we lack nothing.

His goodness has never failed me.
And I never understood that like I do tonight.
My little heart is overflowing with what I'm feeling.

The King of Love.
My Shepherd Is.




(P.S. The girl? I just got another text tonight with a pretty big life change she made today. After telling me what she did to send a message to her friends that she's becoming a different girl now she said, "I know its crazy that it is really happening I didn't think I could ever do this but I can and I'm doing it." Yes you can, my dear and yes you are. God is so good. SO good. so. good.)

Dear Abby (2):

You know something?
This might be working.

Last week? "The bribe".
This week? A challenge to read her scriptures just 5 minutes a day.

And I know it's only been a few days but I don't think there has been anything better this week than the texts:
"I read my scriptures for 10min and stopped myself from kissing one of the cutest boys!" That was last night. (I admit I laughed out loud. Don't tell her that.)

When I checked in with her tonight, she asked for a suggested chapter to read. I gave her my favorite. Then a bit later a "I read for 10 mins."

And the best part? She said she feels good..."REALLY good".

I told her I'm working out hard because SHE'S trying so hard.
We're in this together she and I.
I told her she's inspiring me.
That I can't believe how strong she is.
That I'm praying for her.

You know, Abby Dear?
I feel like I'd do anything for this girl.
I really really do.

Is that weird?
I mean she's not mine.
...not technically.

I just so want a happy life for her.
I so want that.
And I sense how close she could be to having it.

So pray for her with me, will you?

xoxo,
-Not technically her mom, but, you know

My Imagined Life

Live the life you have imagined
-Henry David Thoreau

A couple of years ago, a dear friend gave me this ring for my birthday.
I loved the sentiment.
"Live the life
you have imagined."
I wore it for a little while.
But, then I took it off and put it away.

It just didn't mean much to me.
Not the ring...
the sentiment.

I knew that God could give me a better life than I imagined. I KNEW that and I taught it to girls whenever I had the chance to speak to them. But, I also knew that for me...what I had imagined...so much of what I wanted and hoped for...well, it didn't seem to be.

And so I stopped imagining.

It was my dark little secret.
That I knew something was true for the girls (truly knew) that I struggled to believe for myself (truly believe).

But then.

A couple of nights before I left for Fitness Ridge, I talked with someone who knows me well...who has helped me work through difficult things before...who has helped me see more clearly who I am and what I'm meant to do.

That night, she helped prepare me in really important ways for what I was about to experience. She helped me catch a glimpse of the life that was waiting for me. (And I so wanted that life.)

Then she encouraged me to find something I could take with me...something I could wear...that would be a constant reminder of what I had felt and thought about that night so that during the hard moments of the next two weeks (we had no idea how hard), I would be able to feel and see a symbol of the real me...and my real life. So that I could conquer this obstacle in my life once and for all.

I thought of the ring.
And that very night, I put it on.
I wore it every day for two weeks.
It served its purpose well.
As it has every day sense.

I wear this ring every day.
Because it's a constant reminder of something I've finally figured it out.

I think I always thought my "imagined life" was somewhere far off in the future.
Some distant feeling.
Some distant dream.

But, it's not.

And it never was.

That life is right now.
I know it's now because I feel it now.
And it probably has been right here, right now, all along.

I just needed to choose to live my imagined life.
Today.

And you know something?
It already feels
better
than I
imagined.

Crumbs at the Sacrament Table

I was assigned to help clean the church this morning.
I am always grateful for assignments to serve (I shouldn't need an assignment, but...)

When I arrived, I chose the job of vacuuming and straightening the Chapel.
And I went through everything on the list of things to do.

The last item was to vacuum the little room where the young men at church prepare the Sacrament. I had never been in that room.

It was a little 4'x4' space.
And I noticed that it had probably been a while since the shelf and the counter had been cleaned. So I did that too.
It was nice to feel like I could do something to help the preparation of this sacred ordinance.

Before I left the chapel, I saw the beautiful white cloth on the Sacrament table. I walked over to see if it needed to be straightened and I noticed it was quite covered with crumbs. Remnants of the bread that the young men break each Sunday so that those in attendance can remember the sacrifice of the Savior.

I gathered the cloth up carefully and took it to the side door to shake it out. Then, I walkd back to the table and placed the cloth carefully back in its place.

It was clean.
And ready for tomorrow.

You know...
I've thought about those crumbs a lot today.
Those crumbs that were left behind.

Tomorrow morning I will go to Church.
And during the Sacrament hymn, I will reflect on the week.
I will partake of the emblems of the Sacrament.
The bread.
The water.

And during the service, I will prepare to start another week.
And as I do, I want to know that I have left something behind.
Some action
Some thought
Some feeling
Some one little thing that I didn't do so well this past week.
Some one little thing that stood between me and the Spirit.
I think I already know what one of the one little things should be.

That's one of the purposes of the Sacrament, isn't it?
We commit to always remember Him.
To live more like Him.
And in doing that, perhaps we can commit to leave something behind.

Our one little crumb at the Sacrament Table.

Dear Abby:

I get to know a lot of really great young women.
Some of them are totally on track.
Some of them are strong.
Some of them are strong and on track.
Some of them are incredibly strong but not on track.

And when they're not on track, I feel like I'd do anything to get them on track.
Anything.

So...

I had a really honest chat with one of them tonight.
And I know she's been doing all sorts of stuff she shouldn't be doing.
And she wants to stop. She really does.
And there are SO MANY FACTORS in her life that make life harder than it should be.
And I so want to do something to make her life easier.
And I know being on track will make life easier.
I KNOW it will.

So...

I gave her a challenge.
And she accepted.
I told her I'd stay on track to keep losing weight if she'd stay on track to lose the stuff she shouldn't be doing.
I told her 2011 was our year.
That we could do it together.

And then...I might have thrown in a bribe of an iPod.
Is that bad?

I mean, if it gets her back on track long enough that she can have the spirit in her life long enough to realize "on track" is so much better than NOT "on track", well, isn't that a good thing?

So, I know you don't have a column anymore, but could you make a comeback for this one? You know, just to tell me that sometimes a bribe is okay?

And yes, I know.
Sometimes I think I'd make a ridiculous mother too.

all kinds of happy

Forgive me if this is obnoxious.
I don't mean to be obnoxious.

But I am IN LOVE with 2011. IN. LOVE.

I know. I know.
I know it's only January 5th.
And I know you might think I'm just on a high or in a dream world or overly dramatic.

But, that's not what this is.
It's not.

You see, I've had hard days since returning home from Fitness Ridge.
I really really have.
I've cried.
I've been tired.
I've felt overwhelmed.

But, I haven't stopped.
And I won't.
And 2011 is my year.
It is.

Tonight, when I was treading (for the 4th Wednesday in a row. HELLO! I tread. I'm a treader. That's what I do.) I turned to my little health partner and I said, "I love this. And I love that I love this." Even while in the middle of thinking at one moment I really might die. But, I really did love what I was feeling.

And I didn't die.
And I didn't stop.
And it felt SO. GOOD.

I love what I'm doing right now.
I love how it feels to wake up in the morning.
I love that my little self is getting, well, littler.
I love that I'm learning who I REALLY am.
I love that I am honoring my spirit.
I love that I am trusting God.
I love that I am seeing the power of grace in my life.

I love that.
I love this.

And that just makes me all kinds of happy.

(a shout out to the "BIC" girls..."Because I Can"...get it?...who joined me last night for a little gathering of food samples and calorie budget plans and motivation. wait til you see what these ladies are going to do in 6 weeks! good things are happening, people. good. things.)

Lots of short miles...

Perseverance is not a long race;
it is many short races one after another.
~Walter Elliott, The Spiritual Life

When I registered for the half marathon, there really wasn't a part of me that didn't think I could do it. I really KNEW I could.
(And I know I will.)

But, I confess the last couple of weeks as I've really thought about it, I couldn't quite imagine HOW.

I mean, how does one know how they will run a half marathon until they actually do it? And I can tell you right now, I won't be running a single half marathon prior to June 11th. That will be the first.

SO it did my little self a world of good recently when I had the chance to talk to a marathoner and ask her, "So, how will I know I can actually run a half marathon?"

"If you can run 10 miles, you can run a half marathon," she said.
"Run 10 miles straight?" I asked with a tich of "um, really?" in my voice.
"Listen, only elite athletes run the entire thing. You don't have to run every step. You can do this."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUN EVERY STEP.

That's really true, isn't it?
While training for a half marathon.
While working to get healthy.
While simply living life.

There are moments when you run.
Moments when you sprint.
Moments when you walk.
Moments when you catch you're breath.

What matters is that you keep moving forward. You don't stop. And do many short races one after the other. I can do that. I know I can.

I know I will.

Someone once said, There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. (Author unknown).

Well, I'm learning.
And it's a lot of miles.
But for now, I'm just focused on all the short ones.

Because I can

"I have something I want to tell you. Just from me to you", the hiking guide Kendall said.

He had been ahead of me most of the way.
My legs just couldn't keep up.
But, I wasn't in the back of the pack and he was the only thing ahead of me.
And so I gave it a last little push until I caught up with him.

"Do you know how much you say 'I can't'?" he asked.
"Really? Me?"
"Yes. A lot."
"You know, sometimes I'm just being dramatic. It's just something to say to be whiny when I don't want to do the next big thing on the hike."
"I know...but you still hear the words and I promise it's reinforcing the belief that you actually can't.

It was Friday.
The day AFTER the treading experience when I had said "I can't" over and over and over again.
I had simply never been in a situation where I even had a reason to say it as much as I did there. So I never realized how much I said it...or rather, how much I thought it.

And I knew it was a word I had become much too comfortable with. So I made a promise to Kendall right then and there that I wouldn't say it anymore.

A couple of weeks before leaving for Fitness Ridge someone asked me what I most hoped to have happen from the experience.
"I want to know I can do hard things."

It really was that simple.
There are many things in my life that have seemed hard or "out of reach" and inside I think I was often saying "I Can't".
But, really, saying "I Can't" is not much different than saying "God can't" and of course God CAN...which means only one thing.

And that is why "can't" is not a word you can hear me saying.
Kendall was right. My spirit was hearing me say it everytime.
But, not anymore.
I simply can't can't.

Instead I know I CAN...
Every Wednesday night when I can be found at 24 Hour Fitness with my friend Erin pushing each other in our own little treading class.
Every Monday morning when my alarm goes off at 5:15 am and there is no one there to know I'm getting up.
Every time I walk away from the ice cream freezer at the grocery store (I wish that wasn't still such a temptation but I am an ice cream girl. I am.)

One of the trainers at Fitness Ridge was famous for asking "Why?" after telling us to do something. We had learned there was only one appropriate answer to her question:

"BECAUSE I CAN"

And that's why I'm doing what I'm doing now.
Because I can.

And I can because He can.
And knowing that changes everything.

"For with God nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37)


(image from art.com)

Look not behind thee.

It's a lesson I learned last year.
But, it bears repeating.



As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in...And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.

...No Lot’s wife here. No looking back at Sodom and Gomorrah here. Paul knows it is out there in the future, up ahead wherever heaven is taking us, that we will win “the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”
(Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Best Is Yet to Be")

2011: The year to BECOME

“We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched.
Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives...not looking for flaws, but for potential."
Ellen Goodman

I was at the gym earlier this week with a friend (because that's how I roll now) and I turned to her, mid “Mountain Interval” when I thought I might die, and said (in between gasps for air): "I'm so glad I'm not gearing up to change my life on January 1. I love that I'm already doing it."

I think this is the first year there is no "resolution". Just a continuation of the change I'm already in the midst of making.

I think this is the first year there is no being held back by my weaknesses and obsessed with my flaws. Instead I'm seeing my potential from the discovery of my strengths.

I think this is the first year there is no focus on what I wish were different. Rather I am just excited about the possibilities of all that is before me.

I think this is the first January 1, I am truly content.
Because I’m no longer wishing I were the girl I was meant to be.
I am becoming her.
And that is enough for me.

Make a plan for your POSSIBILITIES this year.
Look at your potential.
Don't focus on who you're not.
Focus on who you will BECOME.(We chose the theme for the 2011 TOFW Tour last summer. I couldn't have known then how relevant it would be for me now. It's going to be an amazing tour.Come join us!...and bring your girls to the Girls events in select cities!)