climb your tree

I've been thinking about this little gem a lot. And when someone asked me the other night if I was living my dream, I paused for just a moment and then I said, "yes."
I had no idea I'd say that.

Today is a new day.
So, live your dream.
Do those things you've always wanted to do.
Get closer to living the life you were meant to live.
Climb your tree.

I dare you.

(find image and adorable notebook here)

we all have wings

Oh, it's been a battle.

And tonight on my way home from a really long day, I was hit with a wave of defeat as I realized what day it was. When I left Fitness Ridge almost 16 weeks ago, I had a pretty lofty, yet attainable, goal.

And then February happened.

And tonight.
Well, tonight it is hard to look at where I am instead of where I should be or where I wanted to be. Because this is not where I said I'd be by the time the calendar got to April 4th and THAT is disappointing. Really disappointing.

I wanted it.
So badly.

And ow-ch.
Did I mention that?

But...

The truth is I have come a really long way. I'm further along than I've gotten in years. And I really have made a lot of progress. And I've still been losing in spite of the setbacks. AND I know I will get to the end. I know I will. That alone speaks volumes.

I'm not the same girl I was 16 weeks ago.
I know I'm not.

And if all this did was set me back 6 weeks from my ultimate goal date, is that the end of the world?

It kind of felt like it was tonight.
But, then I realized that was my earthbound self talking.
And that's not the real me.

So, I'm shaking off that disappointment tonight.
Right. this. minute.

And when someone asks me, "How long did it take you to get to your goal weight?", I'll never be able to say "a year" anyway.
Because the only true answer will be: "My whole life."
Every day has been a part of this journey.
In many ways I began it long ago.

And so I'm not finished.
Not. yet.
This was never about just 16 weeks anyway, right?
I am doing this.
All of it.

And the part of myself with wings?
Winning.

yes, Charlie Sheen is a tragedy but the "winning" line? Genius.


(find image and journal you can purchase here)

attagirl!

Ever since I wrote my "want list", it was like I gave the little hopes in my heart a voice. Giving them a little bit 'o love followed naturally.

I'm running towards the things my heart desires most.
(Literally running.)

Attagirl, Laurel. Att.a.girl!


(I made the mistake of walking into the museum gift shop after the exhibit and found the most delightful little notebooks. I'm such a sucker for paper and if you clothe them in a cute design and inspiring saying? forget about it. You'll be seeing several of them in the coming days. And you can find this image and notebook you can purchase here)

He's at the door.

Oh, how I loved the alter piece "The Daughter of Jairus". Bloch chose to paint the story, not at the rising of Jairus' daughter as many others have done, but rather he focused on the point of deepest despair.

You cannot see it here, but there are tears in the mother's eyes. She looks like she has been up all night weeping over this sad circumstance she finds herself in.

But, the sun is coming up.
And with the sun comes light.
And with the light comes life.

She has not yet noticed Christ at the door.
But He is there.
He has come to rescue and to heal...
Right at the moment He is needed most.

That's what He does.
That's who He is.


image found here

Christus Consolator

The name of the painting is "Christus Consolator". It was the last alter piece I stood in front of today when I finally made my way to the Carl Bloch exhibit at BYU.

Had I been the only one in the museum, I do not doubt I would have sunk to my knees. I felt the power of the invitation. I saw myself in the painting.
And I saw some who have claim on my heart right now.

There is the widow to the left.
She is alone and clothed in sadness.

There is the blind man behind her.
He cannot see the truth of who he really is.

There is the man in chains to the right.
He is beholden to those things that bind him.

There is the skeptic on Christ's right.
Finger to his mouth, do you see him?
He hears the invitation of the Savior, but he's not sure.

And then there is the girl on the left looking directly at you.
She hears.
She knows.
And she invites you to hear and know too.

I've spent the last few months completely consumed with my own little self.
My own needs.
My own issues.

But, I spent some time last night at the temple and found my thoughts turn to a few people in my life. I found myself praying for them. And this morning I learned why.

There are those all around us who are struggling.
Some of them do not see the dangers of the paths they are getting ready to go down.
Some are sad.
Some are blind.
Some are chained.
Some are unsure.

All need the Savior.
Even the girl.

So, be the girl.
Hear.
Know.
Help.

We need to be an echo of the Savior's invitation:
Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest on your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
(Matthew 11:28-30)

(and if you haven't made your way to the exhibit, you must.)


(image found here)

you. are. beautiful.

and don't you EVER forget it.
xoxo

(sorry about the ad at the beginning. it's short. and the song/video are worth the wait.)



PS. I put your names on pieces of paper and mixed them up and picked one out.
I really really did.

And congratulations to Heather!
You and your daughters are coming to the SLC event as my guests!

Email me at LaurelDOTChristensenATgmailDOTcom and we'll coordinate all the details.

Promises to keep.

Last night when I said my prayers, I asked God to help me wake up this morning and get to 2.5 miles. I really wanted to think I could do it. And I made a promise I would try.

When my alarm went off this morning, I was tired. And I discovered my new running shoes must not fit my feet good because the tendon that starts at the top front of my ankle was so very tender.

But I made a promise.

So, I put on my old running shoes, got my little(er) self downstairs to my treadmill and I found my Chris Daughtry on my iPod. And I ran. My foot hurt and I wanted to stop.

But I made a promise.

So I told myself I had to run 5 minutes to see if my ankle would adjust...and lo and behold, it did. Then I decided I had to at least do the 2 miles I had done a week ago this morning before I could think about stopping.

Because I made a promise.

So when I got to two miles, I knew I shouldn't stop. I heard a "you can do it" in my little heart and I wanted to believe it. Then I noticed my heart didn't feel like it was going to die and at that point, I knew it was all mental.

And I had made a promise.

I got to 2.25 and was so done. I really really was. But how could I stop .25 miles short of my commitment? I couldn't. And then it dawned on me, "If you increase your speed, you'll be done faster."
So I did.
And I got to 2.5 miles.
And I stepped off.
Out loud I said, "I did it! I did it! I did it!" over and over again.
To no one but me.
But, I knew God could hear it too. I knew He knew.
And I cried grateful and happy and proud tears.

I kept a promise when no one really would have known but me.
But, that's the whole point.
Me.
I'm doing this for me.

And it feels amazing.

I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost

Cleaning out the closet

I knew as soon as I returned home in December, I was never going back to the body I had before. And because of that, I started the process of cleaning out my closet...getting rid of clothes that I'd never...NEVER...wear again.

Now, every 6 weeks or so, I notice what no longer fits right and I get rid of it.
So that wearing it again..."fitting" it again...isn't even an option.

I got to do it tonight.
And, oh, it feels good.

This transformation of my life is not just physical however.

You see, now that I'm no longer obsessing about my weight in the ways that I was before, I'm noticing a greater awareness about the rest of me.
I'm more keenly aware of my flaws and weaknesses.
And it's not in a "beat myself up about it" sort of way.
Instead it's a "hmmmm. I was so focused on my weight issue, I never really noticed this about myself and I don't think I like this about me" sort of way.
So, in that light, I'm "cleaning out the closet" in other ways too.

It's not the most enjoyable process, but it's necessary and it's something I really want to do. Because I don't want to just be a fit healthy me at the end of this journey. I also want to be the best version of me I've ever been.

More kind.
Less selfish.
More patient.
Less fearful.
More me.

I'm not looking to be perfect.
But, as I see something I do and a way I could change, I'm trying really hard to address it.
Because I really really want to be a better person.
I really really do.

SO...
I'm picking up the phone and saying "I'm sorry".
I'm learning to listen and not talk.
I'm taking time to meditate and slow down.
I'm reaching out even when my pride tells me not to.
I'm trusting the spirit.

I'm cleaning out my closet.
Taking care of what doesn't seem to "fit" anymore.
Things about me I never want to go back to again.

And interestingly enough, this cleaning process feels even better than zipping up that really cute J.Jill skirt that's been hanging in my closet that I bought on sale a couple years ago hoping someday it would fit.

Oh, it's cute.

What a shame that it won't fit for long.
What a happy happy shame.


(image found here)

Time Out for a give-away!

I remember during a TIME OUT FOR WOMEN event in 2006 when the impression came that TOFW needed to reach the next generation. And I remember our very first attempt to do that in the fall of 2007 in Boise, ID at a TIME OUT FOR WOMEN & GIRLS event.

I stood in the back of the hall and was overcome with emotion.
It was one of those moments in my life when I knew I was in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

We attempted a few more events in 2008 but had to go on hiatus for a season.

Until this year...

We are back with an all new event JUST for teenage girls.

TIME OUT FOR GIRLS will take place on the same weekend as TIME OUT FOR WOMEN in select cities. While the women are in one part of the Convention Center experiencing their event, 400-500 young women (ages 12-17) will be in another hall in an experience created just for them. It's a blessing to get to be involved and I couldn't be more excited about it.

So...

if you find yourself living in or near:
San Antonio, TX (Apr. 29-30)
Calgary, AB (May 6-7)
Anchorage, AK (Sept. 9-10)
Reno, NV (Oct. 14-15)
Richmond, VA (Oct. 21-22)
Phoenix, AZ (Nov. 4-5)
SLC, UT (TBA)

Get yourself to TOFW and get your girls to TOFG!

And to make it a little easier, I'm giving away a "mom & daughter" pack of tickets (2 full-weekend registrations).

Just leave a comment here with which city you could come to AND your favorite thing about your daughter (or the teenage girl you would want to bring) by Wednesday, March 23 at midnight.

Determined.

A dream doesn't become reality through magic;
it takes sweat, determination and hard work.
Colin Powell

It's been exactly 15 weeks ago this very day that I was crying because I knew I couldn't do it. Well, this morning, I cried because I knew I could...and I knew that I WAS. And reflecting on what has happened in my life the past 16weeks pushed me to do something I have never done before.

16 weeks ago I couldn't last 5 minutes on my treadmill running.
Today I ran two consecutive miles at my treading speed.
And I'm determined to run more.

16 weeks ago I was the least healthy I had been in a long time.
Today I'm 5 pounds away from the weight I was in 1995 when I came home from my mission.
And I'm determined to keep on going.

16 weeks ago I couldn't have imagined even running a 5K.
Today I'm training for a half marathon that I will run in 11+ weeks.
And I'm determined to be ready.

16 weeks ago I thought I was fated to live the life I was living.
Today that life feels very very far away.
And I'm determined to live the life I'm meant to.

16 weeks ago the "old me" was holding me back, standing in my own way.
Today I am free. And it feels so good.
And I'm determined.

If someone had told me 16 weeks ago that I'd be here today, I don't know that I could have believed them. I sensed everything about my life was about to change and I HOPED that it would, but in the back of my mind, I just didn't know if I actually had it in me.

But. I did.
And I do.

That's what we call determination.

And I have it.

Thinking about Mile 13

In honor of my 13.1 mile goal, I thought I'd run a 13-minute mile yesterday.
"um, that's not very fast," you say?
Well, maybe not.
But, it was my fastest mile and I decided it's the pace I'm training.

I loved waking up this morning knowing that there was a 13-minute mile + a a few more steps waiting for me today. That's all I have to do...a little farther everyday.
And I actually loved the way it felt.

But, not as much as I loved this:
(click on the little middle arrow, dad, to advance the screens. cool, eh?)

I'm a runner. on Prezi

I hadn't really been thinking about how good mile 13 would feel (mostly because I was thinking about all the scenarios in which mile 13 DIDN'T feel so good).
But...what if it really does feel really really good?
What if it does?

There's only one way to find out.

(I have really amazing people in my life who are insanely supportive and encouraging.
I want to be more like them. Thanks, Jessica. xoxo)

I won't be licked by the fog

Do you know the story of Florence Chadwick?

She was the first woman to swim the English Channel.
Both ways (England to France and France to England).
So. small. feat.

Two years later she attempted to be the first woman to swim the 21-miles from the Southern California coast to Catalina Island.
The water was 48 degrees.
The fog was thick.
Visibility? Nearly nada.

She finally quit.
Only to find out she was a half mile from her goal as she was pulled into the support boat.
A half mile.

When she was asked by reporters why she had quit when she was so close, Florence said:
"I was licked by the fog."

She swam 20.5 miles of her 21 mile journey.
And she quit.
Because she couldn't see the shoreline.

A similar thing had almost happened on her earlier attempt to swim the English Channel. The fog was too much and Florence became discouraged. But this time, when she wanted to be pulled into the boat, it was her father who pointed out how close she was to shore. Florence lifted her head, saw land, and finished what she started.

Yesterday, I was oh so close to being licked by the fog.

It was officially the 12 week mark to the half-marathon.
And the setbacks of February have done just that...set me back.
And while it is not an option in my mind to quit,
not an option at all,
I could feel discouragement setting in and I was oh so tempted to let it.

After a run that should not have done me in, I could not see how it would be physically possible to do what I've committed to do.

But, this morning I was led to the story of my new friend Florence.
And the way I was led to the story is a living testament that there is a living God who knows our lives intimately.
My heart tells me my Father is pointing out how close I might be to the shore.

And I've lifted my head to look.

I cannot see that shoreline right now.
I really really can't.
BUT
I know that it's there.
I know He will help me.

And when I look at how far I've come already?
Who's to say I'm not at mile 20.5 in this part of my journey.

So, for the next 12 weeks, I am focused on a shoreline I cannot see.
And I am pressing through the fog.
Perhaps my new friend Florence got licked by it all those years ago so that I wouldn't be licked by it today.

I'll love her forever for that.



(image found here)

snow + shoes = my new favorite thing

I went showshoeing today.
Snowshoeing.


Me.
The girl who used to not do much "outdoorsy" stuff.
The girl who forgot she was missing the hiking at Fitness Ridge.
The girl who has just found her new favorite thing.


It was beautiful.
It was relaxing.
It was a good calorie workout.
And it was fun.

Apparently, in addition to being born to run, I was also born to snowshoe.
I've already planned my next outing.

(I promised my witness-protection-program friends I would not reveal their identity. I'm loyal like that. And I'm also the cute one on the left.)

a date with my destiny

The key to success
is to focus our conscious mind
on things we desire
not things we fear.
-Brian Tracy

I ran tonight a little faster and a little longer than I have for a while.
Oh, I've missed it.
And oh, it felt good to be back.

Me.
The girl who doesn't fear.
The girl who is ready.
The girl who runs.

And I am focused.
More than I have ever been before.
Other things around me might be a little blurry.
But, right now, I am completely clear on this one thing--

And I know it might seem silly.
And it might be dramatic.
But, I've been hearing it on the commercials for tomorrow night's episode of The Biggest Loser.
And it speaks to me every time.

Your destiny is just waiting
for you to show up.
-Jillian Michael

I'm back.

And I'm focused.

Dear Destiny:

My name is Laurel.

And I can't wait to meet you.

I'm showing up...on June 11th.

I just thought you'd want some notice.

So you can be ready.

xoxo

A mighty miracle.

I got the voicemail of my life tonight.

"The girl" asked me to call her as soon as possible.
She said it was important.
Too important to text (which is really the only mode of communication for youth these days, you know).
She wanted to tell me voice to voice.

Something about her voice already sounded so different.

Now, you need to know that things had been getting worse. How this girl is able to do anything good is amazing to me. Talk about one hard knock after the next. She really couldn't catch a break and she is in one of the most difficult circumstances of any young woman I know.

But, this week, something has been happening.
As hard as the adversary was working to defeat her, the Lord was working overtime to save her.
I was watching it before my very eyes.

And my prayers have intensified.
Though I admit I wasn't prepared for what it was she wanted to tell me tonight.

"I don't wonder anymore. I know now."
"WHAT? What are you saying? How did this happen?"

And then I heard the voice of a girl I didn't know just a few days ago. It was light-filled. You know that sound?

Light.

Light as she told me how during a rehearsal for the choir for the upcoming YW Broadcast (you can't tell me the timing of that wasn't providential...of all the years this girl's area could have been included and it's this one? Providence.) she found herself thinking about everything she's been learning and that we've been talking about.
And she realized she was happy.
So happy that it made her cry.
And she knew it was true.
All of it.

I wish there was a way for me to play for you the voice of the girl a few nights ago.
And the voice of the girl of tonight.

It is a miracle,
A miracle.

God moves in a mysterious way.
But it's only mysterious to us.
He knows exactly what He's doing all along the way.

And every now and then He gives us a glimpse and let's us be a part of it.
And I'm so grateful.
So grateful.

He loves us. SO very much.
And works mighty miracles in our lives.

He's working some miracles in all of our lives this very minute.
I promise that is true.

God is anxious to speak to us

I have long had a love for the words in The Doctrine & Covenants.

This book contains what Mormons accept to be revelations of the Lord to the prophet Joseph Smith for himself, for others, and for the Church as a whole.

It has seemed throughout my life that God is able to speak to me most clearly through scripture. And one of the things I love most about this particular sacred text is the revelations often feel so specifically applicable to whatever is going on in my life.

Really.
It even happened once after I felt nothing when who I thought was a really great guy held my hand for the first time.
It's often been THAT specific.

God is anxious to speak to us.
I know that with my whole little soul.

For example, when I was trying to make the decision to record my first talk cd, it was a section I found while in the chapel at the temple that made it crystal clear what I should do.
"Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation." (6:8)
That scripture to this day keeps my motives in the right place.

When I experienced perhaps what felt like the biggest betrayal of my heart and felt the most alone, I came across this:
"I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me; But the day soon cometh that ye shall see me, and know that I am..." (37:7-8)
What did I write in the margin? "He [meaning the Lord] is just around the corner." I started this blog a few months later.

I remember a couple of weeks before I left my mission in 1995, I was terribly anxious about my future. That is when I "discovered" the scripture I have shared and quoted more than any other:
"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come..." (58:3)
I KNEW that amazing things lay ahead for me. I really really knew that.

Once when I was frustrated about how busy my Sundays were, I read:
"This is the day appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and to pay thy devotion unto the Most High." (59:10)
I suddenly understood the Sabbath was about resting from MY labors...not from the Lord's.

Last year when I was wondering if "breaking up" was the right thing to do, I was led to this:
"Let not your minds turn back; and when ye are worthy [which means "fit" or "ready", btw] in mine own due time, ye shall see and know that which was conferred upon you..." (67:14)
I never looked back after that. Never.

Recently when I was trying to decide whether or not to rejoin eHarmony (did I just say that out loud? Was my mic on?), a friend pointed out this gem:
"I have a treasure in this city for you...Therefore, it is expedient that you should form acquaintance with men in this city, as you shall be led, and as it shall be given to you...for there are more treasures than one for you in this city...and I will order all things for your good as fast as you are able to recieve them." (111:2-3, 10-11)
I share that with a little smile on my face...but I'm certainly open to forming acquaintances however I'm led to (grin).

And so, this morning, when I opened my email and found that a friend who knows what the last few months have been for me...and what the next few months mean to me...and said she felt impressed to share her new favorite scripture with me...well, I knew I was having another experience with a clear message from God.

This very morning, I asked for his hand of protection to my body as I make the attempt of my life...to change my life...in less than 100 days. That prayer was right before I opened my email to read this:
"For I, the Lord, have put forth my hand to exert the powers of heaven, ye cannot see it now, yet a little while and ye shall see it, and know that I am..." (84:119)

And I want to shout from the rooftops that I KNOW that He is.
I've seen His hand in my life in a powerful way already.

But I know it's just a portion
of what I shall see
in "a little while".

I bleed blue.

BYU has been in the news a lot this week.

I'm proud to be associated with a school that takes HONOR seriously.
I'm proud to be associated with a school who was so supportive of Brandon Davies today at the game ("We love Brandon" was almost chanted as much as "You've been jimmered.")
And I'm proud of Brandon period.

Today was the last home game for BYU with this really outstanding team.
It was so great to just do something completely fun today.
It was so great to be back on campus.
It was so great to see Jimmer in action (from ridiculously good seats).
It was so great to experience the spirit of the student fans.

And it was really really great to be there to see this live (though the video doesn't do it justice. Seriously. Impressive.)



No one could help but give the students a huge standing ovation when they were done. It was awesome.

My blood will forever by blue.
(And consider this my official prediction of an outstanding Elite Eight showing by the boys. Really. I'm right.)

GO COUGARS!

Mountain

Mountains are created to be conquered;
adversities are designed to be defeated;
problems are sent to be solved.
-William Arthur Ward

I was back at the gym AGAIN tonight.
We did the "mountain interval".
I lasted the entire time.
Even got to incline "11".

And it. felt. so. good.

We have 100 days till the half marathon, kids.
ONE HUNDRED DAYS.

June 11th is the only thing I see ahead of me
and I can't wait. I really really can't.

(It's good to be back.)



(image found here)

A lesson towards the finish line

I wasn't going to talk about this, let alone blog about it.
But, I learned something today.
Something important.
And since I committed to this "experiment", it seemed like something I should share.

I have a little condition I deal with from time to time called BPPV. I think I've maybe blogged about it before but I can't find the link.
The condition has come in handy.
I've used it as a great spiritual analogy, you see (my dad says I can turn anything into a spiritual analogy...but when he said it, it wasn't a compliment.)

The short story is that we all have little crystals in our ear.
Their purpose is to detect motion by brushing against little hairs that send signals to our brain to tell us how we're moving.
They serve an important purpose.
When they do their job.

But, when they decide to leave their little "sac house" and migrate into your inner ear canals?
They are evil.

And vertigo ensues.

I've come to accept the fact that it will be this mildly annoying thing I'll deal with from time to time when it decides to flair up.

Just like it did again yesterday morning.

Yep.
On Morning 1 of what was supposed to be my first "normal week" in a month.
Morning 1 of what was supposed to be my first full week back at the gym.
Morning 1 of setting my alarm for 5 a.m. to get up to work out for the first time since Jan. 31st.

I knew instantly what it was (the symptoms occur as soon as you sit up in bed...that's when you know you're in trouble).
But I refused to believe it.
Though getting up was futile.
My world was spinning.
Which made for a really rough yesterday.

This morning, I finally had to acknowledge I was in trouble and I made my way to the Hearing & Balance Clinic downtown.
The physical therapist administered the test to determine the severity, the ear, and the canal.
"It's in the other year. This is the first time it's been in your left ear, right?"
"Yes. Lucky me."

He administered the treatment.
I thought I was going to throw up.
He sat me up.
It was worse.
He had me walk a straight line (like they do for drunk drivers).
I couldn't do it.

And that's when I cried.

I tried to tell him through my tears...
"trying to change my life"
"training hard"
"hurt my back"
"haven't been able to work out"
"training for a half marathon"
"losing time"
"so frustrated"

He was so kind. He talked me through the treatment.
He scheduled me for a follow-up, told me it would be a rough day.
Then he sent me on my way.

I walked like a drunk to my car.
It felt like this deadly silent moment of aloneness.
I closed my car door and sobbed like I was 5.

"I'm trying so hard," I cried out.
"Please. Please. Please."

I could feel my little heart spiraling down.
But, then I remembered.
I honestly remembered.

I had a choice.

I could be "worse case scenario girl" or I could merely be disappointed and trust that I would be able to do this thing I so desperately want to do.

And then I heard what felt like the most direct question:
"How bad do you want this?"

I picked up the phone to call my "gym partner".
She said everything I needed someone to say and she let me cry and cry.
But, I knew I was just crying out of disappointment,
not because I had gone to "worst case scenario".

I had chosen.

I can't quite express what I huge thing that was for me (though now that I've let everyone know my dirty little secret about where my head goes, that might be obvious now).

And tonight at the gym (yep, we went to the gym) as I rode the stupid recumbant bike (the eliptical was too much movement for my little crystals and and yep, if I had to ride that bike for the rest of my life, I'd go crazy), well, I rode through the nausea and I hit my calorie goal (thank you, gym partner. thank. you.).

And by the end, I was envisioning what it will feel like to cross the finish line on June 11th.
Because I will, you know.

I know it's just a little thing...it's a run.
But that run...this commitment...getting to that finish line...
represents oh so many things to my little heart.
And He let me know today He knows that.
He knows how much I need to do this thing.

So, I'm choosing to trust Him.
My little optimistic heart chooses to trust Him.

There really is something to this optimism thing.
And tonight I am feeling very very grateful for a Father in Heaven who is so very patient with me and teaches me bit by bit as I'm ready to learn.

And OH, what I'm learning as I move towards that finish line.

(spiritual analogy about BPPV forthcoming. It's a keeper.)


(PS. Wednesday morning update: I almost feel "normal". I'm gonna be okay. I really am. God is good.)