Speechless

I've been away for a while.
Did you notice?

I've been away doing some really good things (like speaking and taking a trip to NYC), some really important things (like changing my priorities and learning to put others first), and some really hard things...that are also really good & important (like being vulnerable and opening my heart...oh, and training for another half-marathon).

And I'm learning a lot.
About the power of love and the power of hope and the importance of agency.
And so many other truths.
And I think I'm ready to talk about some of them.
If anyone is still reading this little blog.

I wish I wasn't up quite so early on a Sunday.
But my mind is spinning.

Yet this Easter Sunday, I find myself waking up without words.
Except for the words from one of the songs on my playlist that I've been running to (haven't missed a day in 27 days, but the way. Thanks to Peter Vidmar...we'll talk about that more later.)

So, yes, this morning I am uncharacteristically without words...
Overwhelmed by the goodness of a God in Heaven who has saved me...quite literally...and shown me a love that leaves me, quite frankly, speechless.

Happy Easter.



I am speechless, I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by Your wondrous grace
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave
And I am speechless in Your presence now
I'm astonished as I consider how
You have shown us
A love that leaves us, speechless.


Go here to learn more about what makes me speechless

exactly what we need

"God shall supply ALL your need."
Philippians 4:19

I'm not always a fan of the "combined meeting" on the 5th Sunday when the men and the women come together. It sometimes just feels like a repeat of Sunday School class. And, I really love Relief Society and sometimes I need my "girl time".

So, I was going to sneak out (shhh. don't tell.).
A friend even gave me permission to.

But, as I went to leave, I had the thought, "What if you need to be in there? What if the Lord is going to give you something you need?"

(I can't believe how good I am at manipulation with myself.)

I decided I would sit on the back row so I had the option to easily sneak out. And a cute young mom who I don't really know all that well asked me if I wanted to sit with her. "Sure...but you should know I might sneak out."

The lesson was about adversity and the teacher (who happens to be my Bishop) said some really awesome things about what steel needs to become strong (which isn't, by the way, the hottest fire like you maybe have heard before...it actually gets strongest when it has the right combination of high and low temperatures...and that could be a post all on its own...)

I thought about my life and how sometimes I feel like I'm in a fire.
Other times, I feel like I'm given a resting period.
When am I growing most?
"Hmmm. Maybe I can grow as much in resting periods as in the fire?" I thought to myself.

And then someone made the comment that you've maybe heard before:
"I think people who experience harder things are just stronger people. God knows they can handle it."

I cringed. But I wasn't sure why.

I just knew it wasn't true.
There was no way that was true.
I've heard it before; I've maybe even said a version of it myself.

She continued: "My life feels pretty easy. Maybe people with harder lives are just at a higher level than those of us who don't have to experience those things."

I had to say something...but I didn't want to be the jerk who publicly denounced what that good woman had said.

"I don't believe what she said. I just don't believe it," I whispered to the young mom who I barely knew sitting next to me. "I feel like I need to say something."

"What?" she asked.

"I just think that's really dangerous. It says that God is a respector of persons when the scriptures tell us everywhere He is not. It says that He thinks more of some children than He does of others. And are the people who don't have hard things happen supposed to think less of themselves and the people who have hard things think more?"

The young mom got a little emotional. "Can I tell you I've been thinking about this very thing all week? My friend's child was just diagnosed with leukemia and she just found out she's pregnant with twins and it all seems to be too much. And my life is so easy and I've been wondering if I'm just weak...if I'm not strong enough. So when I heard that comment I was just sitting here feeling even worse."

And then I heard myself say things I've never really thought about...

"Adversity says far less about who we are and far more about what we need to learn."

"God is anxious to teach us everything we need to learn to help us become who we are meant to be and He will choose the least painful route to get us there."

"He is not waiting to throw hard things at us to show us how strong we are."

"I believe in a God who works everyday to shield us from pain whenever He can."

"We all need to learn the same things at some point but how we learn is going to be individualized."

"I've been learning things I had to be single to learn. You've been learning things you had to be a young mom of two to learn. I really believe it's that simple. Neither of us is better because of that."

We connected as sisters.
And then we both just kind of broke into tears...
she feeling the love of a Father in Heaven who knew what she had been dealing with that week and making sure she was right where she needed to be to hear what she needed to hear...
and
me feeling the love of a Father in Heaven who knew what I had been dealing with that week and making sure I was right where I needed to be to hear what I needed to hear...

God loves us so much.
SO MUCH.

I am blown away by how much.

He loves us more than we can comprehend.
He orchestrates more than we know.
He takes care of us more that we will ever see.

And you know what? I ABSOLUTELY to my core believe what He taught me yesterday.

"God is anxious to teach us everything we need to learn to become who we are meant to be. AND He will choose the least painful route to get us there."

God really does gives us exactly what we need.
Not a bit more.
Not a bit less.
Because. He. Loves. Us.

Exactly what we need.
In life.
In our experiences.
In challenges.
In 5th Sunday meetings.

"Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."
-Elder Richard G. Scott (Oct. 1995 General Conference)

Already written

Today one of my dear friends had to remind me of truths I've talked about here before.
Sometimes, when life throws you a little curveball, you just need someone to call you out on the fact that you're forgetting truths you know.
She might have been stern with me...and I'm so glad I have friends like that.

I had an experience last week that was a game changer.
Do you know the kind?
When things feel turned upside down?
And the next day I was sad and confused and unsettled and worried.

That night one of my favorite men on the planet said something so profound, so simple, so true:

"Your future isn't any different today than it was yesterday."

That was it.
Period.
End of discussion.
End of the tears.

And I woke up the next morning enveloped in the most unbelievable peace.

We each have a story.

And while we can do things to alter that story,
And while others can do things to alter that story,
God is the editor.
He intervenes when He needs to.
He adds a sentence here and there.
He erases.
He fixes.
But the story is all part of His plan.

And I simply do not believe in a God who turns a page and gets surprised.

I do not believe, for example, He spent any time last week saying, "Wow. I'm shocked. This is so not how I thought this was going to turn out for her." (And not just because God wouldn't use "so" like that.)

No.

Rather I believe in a God, my Heavenly Father, who is so involved in every detail of my life that He spent time this entire last year orchestrating things in such a way to have them play out exactly how He needed them to.
Exactly how He knew I needed them to too.
He intervened as needed.
He added a sentence here and there.
He edited.
To get the story just right.

When I can let myself believe it, I feel the deepest sense of peace.

There is a plan for your life.
There is a story that is yours.
JUST. YOURS.

And your story is where it's supposed to be.
The chapter.
The page.
The very words.

He knew exactly where you'd be right now.
And the beautiful promised ending of your story is already written.
Your future isn't any different today than it was yesterday.
And, oh, that future is good.
SO. GOOD.
I promise that is true.

Blessed be the Lord...
there hath not failed ONE WORD
of all his GOOD PROMISE
1 Kings 8:56

Blessed by the Lord, indeed.

What He has spoken, He has spoken.
It is already written.
Even when it doesn't feel like you can believe it...
It's still true. That's how truth works.

That's how God works.

miracles in small letters

“Miracles are a retelling in small letters
of the very same story which is written across the whole world
in letters too large for some of us to see.”
-C.S. Lewis

Day 6: Miracles

Friday night I met one of the sweetest girls, a girl I knew would be easily memorable because of the little sparkle in her eye...and because of her name.

"Miracle".

And I could just tell she really probably was one.

She had one of my books and asked me to sign it. I shared a little message with her that truly just kind of came out from my pen. I didn't think much of it.

The next morning, on Saturday, while the women continued to enjoy their event, a few of us lucky people got to spend the day in a room with nearly 400 great young women. It was a fabulous day and I felt so lucky to be with them.

I saw cute Miracle a couple of times that day and at the end of the event as I was meeting girls and making them pinky swear to take the "prayer challenge" I had extended, I got to see her again.

I don't know quite how to articulate what happens sometimes when I'm in the presence of certain young women. I have very tender feelings about times when I've been able to be a messenger in some way for one of them. And ever since my experience with Jordan at a girls camp one summer, I am able to be more bold when I feel like there's something I need to say. Because I don't want a young woman to not hear a message they needed just because I was too timid to give it.

And so when I found myself in the presence of this cute girl again, I was overwhelmed...completely overwhelmed by the love Heavenly Father had for her. And I had to tell her. I had to find a way to express it.

Miracle wanted me to know that what I had written to her the night before had a connection for her to something she had been told another time in her life. "The exact phrase", she said through her 14 year old tears. "You used the exact phrase. How did you know?"

"I didn't, my dear. But Heavenly Father did. And He obviously wants you to know how much He loves you."

And then words just flowed through me. And we both just stood there and cried (how cute that you can even see her tear stains on the sleeve of my jacket).

They were happy tears.
Tears of two girls who were feeling the power of being "daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us".

I believe every day God is making sure we see evidence of His love.
I believe those evidences, when we see them, are miracles.
I believe many times those miracles occur when we just take time to look at each other, feel after each other, talk to each other.

Thoreau once said,
“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?”

No. I think not.

Everyday expressions of God's love.
Everyday miracles.
In small little letters.

Just one more thing I'm truly grateful for.

Elder Holland's talk today

What?
You didn't hear it?

Well, let me be the one to share it with you then.

First you should know that I cannot count the number of times the Lord has used Elder Jeffrey R. Hollandto talk to me, particularly during challenging times when I have felt overwhelmed or forgotten.

The first time Elder Holland was that mouthpiece in an unmistakable way was in 1999, perhaps one of the darkest times in my life.
I can still tell you everything about that day.
And I still remember the sunlight that streamed through my little studio apartment when he stood to give the classic talk "An High Priest of Good Things to Come".
I felt as though that talk was written just for me.
I've since lost track of how many times I've read and reread and devoured that incredible message.

After that, it honestly got to the point where whenever I would take a question to General Conference (that's what I do), I just knew my answer would come through Elder Holland. And sometimes when I didn't have anything particular on my mind, I just waited for him to stand and speak so I would know what the Lord would have me focus on (really. sometime when you're bored, review his talks and for the most part you can follow the journey of my life...at least since 1999).

The last few weeks have been difficult.
I have felt overwhelmed and exhausted.
I have felt worried and unbelieving.
It's been one of those times in my life when I have not been able to address my Father aloud in prayer without tears falling.

I have been looking forward to this General Conference weekend because I knew I needed it.

And so, honestly, when I learned that Elder Holland spoke last night in the Priesthood session, I felt a little bit anxious (nay, dare I say bitter?...grin).
"Who will talk to me tomorrow?" I wondered.

And then came sweet Elder Hales this morning.

"Too often we pray to have patience but we want it right now."
"Sincere prayer is answered sometime, somewhere."
"He that watches over us shall neither slumber nor sleep."

As I listened to Elder Hales,
as I felt the power of his words,
as I felt the sweet love of a Father who knows my heart,
as I felt a commitment to trust and believe and wait on Him,
I was reminded of the goodness of God to prepare us in all things.

Several years ago, I embarked on my own journey to understand what "waiting" really means and what the Lord wanted of me and expected of me during my period of waiting for His promised blessings.

Last year, because of a heartbreak, I had reason to revisit that journey and wrote a series of posts about "waiting" and what I had been learning.

And while I think He needed to teach me something in 2010, I see today that perhaps He needed me to have a need for it then so He could give me a message today when I needed it even more. I think it's amazing...remarkable...how He does that.

Because while I do need the reminder to "wait on the Lord" and am so grateful for the powerful way Elder Hales delivered that message this morning, I also needed the reminder that sometimes...sometimes...the Lord is waiting too.

I went to those posts and read them as soon as the session was over.
And I add this little gem (which, unsurprisingly, comes from Elder Holland) to Elder Hales marvelous message today:

"God expects you to have enough faith
and determination
and enough trust in Him to keep moving,
keep living,
keep rejoicing.
In fact,
He expects you not simply to face the future...
He expects you to embrace and shape the future—
to love it
and rejoice in it
and delight in your opportunities.

God is anxiously waiting
for the chance to answer your prayers
and fulfill your dreams,
just as He always has.
But He can't if you don't pray,
and He can't if you don't dream.
In short,
He can't if you don't believe."

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
"Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast", CES Fireside, Sept. 2004

I'm renewing past commitments today.
To believe.
To dream.
To remember the Optimist Experiment.

And this month, I'm going to focus on meeting God's expectations.
Not His demands.
Not His need for my perfection.
But, His expectation of my waiting on Him to pour down all that He has waiting to give me.

And He can only do that if I pray.
And He can only do that if I dream.
And He can only do that if I believe.
So I will.

And that's what I got from the talk Elder Holland [didn't] give at General Conference today.

Thank you, Elder Hales, for being my Elder Holland this morning.

He will go to any lengths

This is Sydney.
And I met her in...Sydney.

But, here's the thing.
Sydney is from Springville, Utah...45 minutes south of where I live.

And yet, I met her half way around the world while she was on a little vacation in Australia and happened to attend the TIME OUT FOR WOMEN event while there.

She told me that all the girls in her ward had read my little book and had been impacted by it and they would just die that she got to meet me (whenever anyone says that to me it always makes me laugh. I think when people do finally meet me they think, "hmmm. really?). I told her I would love to meet them. And thus it began.

Long story short, I ended up at the Hobble Creek 14th Ward last Sunday night with a group of girls and their moms. I've never talked to a group who knew who I was before I spoke to them. I had certainly never talked to a group of girls who had already read/studied the book. Because of that, it completely changed the message I was able to give. It changed the place I was able to begin.

And it was one of those moments in my life when I knew I was right where I was supposed to be. I so needed the experience. These girls were one of the finest groups of girls I've ever been in the presence of. They were good and strong and faithful. We had a really sweet experience together.

An experience I really really needed to have that night.
And it was because of where THEY were in their lives.
It was all them.

The bishop stood up after and bore a sweet and powerful witness of the power of what it was I was trying to teach...what I feel so passionately about sharing with young women...and I felt like God Himself was talking to me. And I needed Him to talk to me.

The whole night felt divinely orchestrated.
And I was deeply grateful for the experience.

Today at Church I was doing a little bit of self-evaluation.
I'm learning some things about myself that are uncomfortable but necessary.
I'm at a place where it's time again to push outside my limits and grow.
Oh, how I don't enjoy that.
But, God knows...and I know...that it's necessary in order to get myself where I need to be.
Where I want to be.

And during a really sweet testimony meeting, I was reminded of the experience of last week and how interesting it was that I had to go all the way to Sydney, Australia to meet a girl so I could have an experience in Springville, Utah.

And then I realized I didn't.

My email address is in the back of the book.
One google search and you can find me (and the other Laurel Christensen who is a famous audiologist...which was my minor in college...totally irrelevant to this story and yet interesting, don't you think?).
Plenty of people just call Deseret Book direct to get in touch with me.
That ward could have tracked me down half a dozen different ways to come ask me to come speak.

But, that's not what happened.

And the spirit taught me a powerful lesson as I heard, as clear as day, this:
"God could have had you connect with those girls in Springville some other way. But, He chose to do it this way. Because He wanted you to know He will go to any lengths to give you what you need."

I believe in a God who keeps His promises.
I believe in a God who cares more about our happiness than we even do.
I believe in a God who orchestrates the details of our lives to get us where we need to be.

And I believe in a Father in Heaven who will go to ANY LENGTHS to grant us the desires of our hearts

I believe in that kind of Father.
I know that Father.
I trust that Father.

And I trust He will go to any lengths.
Any.

The rest of the story

I have vivid memories of my dad driving me to school after seminary.
The local radio station would play Paul Harvey's "The Rest of the Story" segments.

I loved those segments. I love the concept that we think we can know the story of something...the purpose of something...but that often, there is a "the rest of the story" that we simply never know about.

I have debated sharing this experience because it is so very sweet to my heart and I'm so overwhelmed the Lord let me have a part in it. But, I've decided to share it this morning as a reminder of a couple of things:

1.) God needs us.
2.) He is willing to use us.
3.) What we do matters. It matters a lot.
4.) And we many never know how much.

Earlier this summer I spoke at a girls camp (one of a dozen I got to do this summer). One of the things I shared in my message this year was my experience with the half-marathon, often sharing the power of the cheers that got me through the finish line.

At one girls camp in particular, I felt impressed to tell the girls that there are people in their lives they can see who are cheering them on and people in their lives who they might not be able to see who are cheering them on as well.

In the past week, I've been contacted by two different people relating to me "the rest of the story". One was a cousin who's wife's little sister was at that camp. One was a leader who was there and wanted me to know what happened.

There was a girl at that girls camp who was really impacted by the message I felt impressed to give that night. So impressed that she came home and talked about it, relating the message of the power of the cheers

Several weeks later, her life was taken in a tragic car accident.

Her mother was not scheduled to speak at the funeral. But, at the last minute, she wanted to share some words.

She spoke of a message her daughter had heard at girls camp earlier in the summer and how so many times that week she hadn't thought she could make it to the finish line but she was able to because of the power of the cheers and support of those around her, those seen and unseen, including her daughter.

I don't really have words for what this experience means to me.
Even now as I type this, my eyes are wet.
My heart is overflowing.

I am quite certain had I not agreed to speak at that girls camp or had I not been willing to share my story this summer with those girls...well, I am quite certain this mother would have still gotten what she needed. That sweet young woman would have still been used to prepare her mom for what was ahead.

But, I wouldn't have been able to have even the slightest chance to be a part of it.

God will absolutely use us when we ask to be used.
He will use our lives for good.
He will allow us to be part of His master plan.
He loves us.

And though we may never know how He is using us
and while we may never see the results of the good He is helping us do,
our lives are more interconnected than we could ever know.

And in that interconnection are dozens of "rest of the story" moments...
moments that every now and then, we get to know about.

my cup runneth over

I think I have had one of the most remarkable days of my life. if you are wondering where God is spending a lot of His time these days, it's with the youth in Australia. Seriously. Amazing.
(my facebook status tonight)

I do not have words for today.
I simply do not.

I awoke this morning and told the Lord I wanted to be used today if He had need of me.
I was exhausted but my heart felt it had something to give.
And my spirit needed to be needed.

So, when I was asked just a few minutes after Sacrament Meeting if I would teach the young women in that ward, I jumped at the chance.

And what followed was one of the sweetest experiences I've ever had with this remarkable group of girls:



Then, tonight, I felt the power of 1100 Australian youth testifying as they sang (and WOW do they ever sing here!) "As Zion's Youth in Latter Days". It was electrifying. I knew the nanosecond I stood to speak that this was not going to be like any other experience I've ever had.

And it wasn't.

My little heart is overflowing tonight.
The wave of emotion going through my soul is real and raw.

There are moments that confirm for me that God has a plan for me.
There are experiences that make me feel alive and complete.
There are times when I feel like every word matters.

When I'm testifying of God's great goodness,
When I'm sharing a piece of my heart with a group of young women,
When I'm challenging a chapel full of youth to step it up...

Tonight I felt like a mom to 1100 teenagers.
I was overwhelmed with the love I felt for them...and with the love HE felt for them.

That love lets me know I'm in the right place.
And I know every bit of it is true.
And I know He loves us in ways we will never fully understand.

And in those moments, I feel like it's the reason I exist.
It's the reason I'm alive.
And it's why I breathe.

And why my little heart is overflowing with gratitude.
Truly, my cup runneth over.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

God's other plans

I haven't really talked about this yet.
There are lots of reasons for that.

But, here we go...

I got a new assignment at work a few weeks ago.
That's a story in and of itself, I suppose.
Suffice it to say, it's not anything I sought or aspired to.
I'm at a point in my life where title and position in "Corporate America" mean far less to me than "title and position" in a family would.

But...
This is my life right now and I love so very much about it.
Now I've been given a pretty incredible opportunity and I am truly grateful.
(Oh, and I love what I'm doing. I really really do.)

Anyway...
A colleague was at home one morning with his youngest girl who was begging him to stay home and play one game with her. He explained he had to get to work.

"But, just call your boss, Daddy. Tell him you have to stay home and play a game with me. Tell him. He will understand."

This dad decided to take the opportunity to share with his daughter a little something about his new boss.

"I have to go to work but you want to know something? My boss isn't a 'he', my boss is a 'she'."
He said his daughter's eyes got really big and said, "Your boss is a SHE? I didn't know bosses could be a SHE!"

He said he kind of loved being able to tell his daughter a boss CAN be a "she".

Now...I certainly didn't attempt to break any "glass ceilings" or barriers when I was a little girl. My current life was not planned for or created through a series of goals. But, I also never knew the life I've lived was really an option. I didn't really see it through other women around me.

I didn't remember knowing women who graduated from college
or served missions
or had careers
or went to grad school.

And I think that might have been one of the reasons I spent so long feeling a bit unsettled about my life path. Not only did I not really choose it, but I also didn't know if it was really "okay" to be doing.

When I talk to teenage girls, I feel passionately about making sure they know God has a plan for them. I know He does. I KNOW HE DOES. And I try to emphasize that that plan could include marriage and motherhood and a mission and college (emphasis on the "marriage and motherhood"). I don't really talk about my work or feel the need to encourage them to pursue professional interests...I don't want them to think my life is "cool" or something to aspire to. I want them to know that the "work" their moms are doing is much more important.

Because I really feel it is.

But, I also know the realities are that some of them *might* find themselves on a path they didn't plan on either. And they need to know it's okay.

Bosses can be she's.
And it doesn't mean "she" didn't want or work for other worthy goals.
It doesn't mean she put a career ahead of things her heart desires most.
It just might mean that God had other plans for her.

I know, because He's had other plans [for now] for me.

And I have learned He can use those other plans as part of His master plan.
For each of our lives.

THAT I know is true because I've long since trusted Him with mine.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.


PS...When this new opportunity was presented to me, I wondered how it would look...you know...to potential suitors...and I felt the need to find that out. I asked a real live member of the available male species who calmed my fears about it. And then Jim, Tammy's husband, settled it all when he called me to say:
"Laurel, it took me seven months to meet, date, court and marry Tammy. If she had been a Vice President, it would have taken me three. Men aren't stupid. Congratulations."

(That is Classic Jim. Man, I love that guy.)

A journey of redemption

"I take literally the statement in the Gospel of John that God loves the world. I believe that the world was created and approved by love, that it subsists, coheres, and endures by love, and that, insofar as it is redeemable, it can be redeemed only by love. I believe that divine love, incarnate and indwelling in the world, summons the world always toward wholeness, which ultimately is reconciliation and atonement with God." -Wendall Barry (American poet, critic, academic, farmer)

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of REDEMPTION.
I've been thinking about it because I have felt a deep need for it.
I've been thinking about it because in the midst of this journey of faith and optimism (which, interestingly enough, I'm learning are the same thing), I have sensed I am very much on a journey of redemption as well.

Someone who knows me almost better than anyone loaned me a book to read.
Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand.
(Time named it the top book in 2010. Where have I been?)
It's a biography/memoir...my favorite kind of book.
But, it's more than that.
It is truly one of the most powerful stories of redemption I have ever read.
I loved it. LOVED. IT.

Unbroken is the story of Louie Zamperini, an American and an Olympian. He was on track to be the first recorded person to break the four-minute mile (so, yes, a runner too. I loved it for that as well).

"In the morning he rose to run again. He didn't run from something or to something, not for anyone or in spite of anyone; he ran because that is what his body wished to do. The restiveness, the self-consciousness, and the need to oppose disappeared. All he felt was peace."
-Unbroken, pg. 16
(This thought alone deserves its own post.)

Then he joined the fight for freedom that was World War II.
And everything changed.

Louie's plane was shot down and after fourty-seven days at sea, thinking an American plane had finally found them in the open water, was captured by the Japanese. And what followed was a series of unspeakable horrors.

"Dignity is as essential to human life as water, food, and oxygen. The stubborn retention of it, even in the face of extreme physical hardship, can hold a man's soul in his body long past the point at which the body should have survived it. The loss of it can carry a man off as surely as thirst, hunger, exposure and asphyxiation, and with greater cruelty. In places like Kwajalein, degradation could be as lethal as a bullet."
-Unbroken, pg. 183

There was a point at which I almost stopped reading--the darkness Louie experienced at the hands of another person was too much for my little heart to read. But, I trusted my friend and I kept reading. And I'm sincerely so grateful I did.

Because what followed the series of unspeakable horrors was a man who survived the worst that humanity can inflict upon humanity. He had truly lost all reason to hope but God had claim upon his life and his heart and in one amazing night, that same God aligned the stars in the heavens to reach Louie. He used Billy Graham to do it.

And Billy Graham did.

"Resting in the shade and the stillness, Louie felt profound peace. When he thought of his history, what resonated with him now was not all that he had suffered but the divine love that he believed had intervened to save him. He was not the worthless, broken, forsaken man that the Bird had striven to make of him. In a single moment, his rage, his fear, his humiliation and helplessness, had fallen away. That morning, he believed, he was a new creation.
Softly, he wept."
-Unbroken, pg. 376

Louie's entire life seemed to be redeemed in one beautiful bible-reading night.
The horrors of his life, the deamons that had embedded themselves in Louie's heart, vanished. And Louie eventually went back to Japan to forgive the very men who had been hell-bent on his destruction.

"He felt something he had never felt for his captor before. With a shiver of amazement, he realized that it was compassion. At that moment, something shifted sweetly inside him. It was forgiveness, beautiful and effortless and complete. For Louie Zamperini, the war was over."
-Unbroken, pg. 379

Life really can change in an instant.
Hearts can change in a moment.
Deep-rooted beliefs can be abolished in mere seconds.
The wars of our lives end.
Through the power of redemption.

And through Louie's redemption, he was able to help in the journey of the redemption of others.

I think that is the beauty of the concept of redemption.
It is rarely just about us and God.
Rather, I believe it is about how God uses us to help each other become redeemed.

And I believe that is true because that is my experience now.
My journey of redemption is not just about me and Him.
There are others involved.
And you know, I believe that is just the way He always intended it to be.
I am oh so grateful for that.

(To be totally clear, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I understand (and am learning more every day) that redemption is made possible ONLY through Him. This redemption journey of mine is all about accessing the power of the Atonement. And in a future day, perhaps not too far from now, I'll be sharing some of what I'm learning there as well.)


(want a taste of the life of Louie Zamperini? Watch this. But, seriously, read the book too.)

Easter Promises

I have vivid memories of my dad sitting in the library in our Kentucky home (I also remember that I thought we were rich because we had a "library". Really, it was just a family room with bookshelves and no television.)

I remember him sitting there, eyes closed, listening.
And more than once I saw him cry.

He was listening to this powerful song, "The Pilgrim's Chorus".
It comes from the famed Opera Tannhauser.
I don't know how my dad was familiar with it.
But, listening to this song often made him cry.
He knew the story and I still remember the day he shared it with me in that old Kentucky home.
I have never forgotten that day.

It's a powerful story of redemption.
Our need for reconciliation with God.
And God's willingness to forgive.
And His supernal ability to love.
Love US.
And it's about His promises.
Promises to US.

For me, THAT is the message of Easter.
God, the Father of us all, provided a way for all to be redeemed.
To live again and forever.
And to make claim on all of His promises.

Happy Easter, my friends.
This year, make claim on His promises to you.


Once more with joy
O my home I may meet
Once more ye fair, flowr'y meadows I greet
My Pilgrim's staff henceforth may rest
Since Heaven's sweet peace is within my breast.
The sinner's 'plaint on high was heard
Accepted by our gracious Lord.
The tears I laid before His shrine
Are turned to hope and joy divine.
O Lord eternal praise be Thine!
The blessed source of Thy mercy overflowing
On souls repentant seek Ye, restoring
Of hell and death, I have no fear
My gracious Lord is ever near

Alleluia!
Alleluia!
Eternal King, Eternal King!

A mighty miracle.

I got the voicemail of my life tonight.

"The girl" asked me to call her as soon as possible.
She said it was important.
Too important to text (which is really the only mode of communication for youth these days, you know).
She wanted to tell me voice to voice.

Something about her voice already sounded so different.

Now, you need to know that things had been getting worse. How this girl is able to do anything good is amazing to me. Talk about one hard knock after the next. She really couldn't catch a break and she is in one of the most difficult circumstances of any young woman I know.

But, this week, something has been happening.
As hard as the adversary was working to defeat her, the Lord was working overtime to save her.
I was watching it before my very eyes.

And my prayers have intensified.
Though I admit I wasn't prepared for what it was she wanted to tell me tonight.

"I don't wonder anymore. I know now."
"WHAT? What are you saying? How did this happen?"

And then I heard the voice of a girl I didn't know just a few days ago. It was light-filled. You know that sound?

Light.

Light as she told me how during a rehearsal for the choir for the upcoming YW Broadcast (you can't tell me the timing of that wasn't providential...of all the years this girl's area could have been included and it's this one? Providence.) she found herself thinking about everything she's been learning and that we've been talking about.
And she realized she was happy.
So happy that it made her cry.
And she knew it was true.
All of it.

I wish there was a way for me to play for you the voice of the girl a few nights ago.
And the voice of the girl of tonight.

It is a miracle,
A miracle.

God moves in a mysterious way.
But it's only mysterious to us.
He knows exactly what He's doing all along the way.

And every now and then He gives us a glimpse and let's us be a part of it.
And I'm so grateful.
So grateful.

He loves us. SO very much.
And works mighty miracles in our lives.

He's working some miracles in all of our lives this very minute.
I promise that is true.

God takes care of His girls

I was with a really great group of girls last night in Kaysville, UT.
I felt like all I wanted to tell them was how much their Father in Heaven loves them.
How much He wants to bless them.
How well He takes care of them.
And how much they can trust Him.

I felt it with everything I had.
And I love the way I feel when I know that...you know?

I have often said (as I said last night to those girls) that I don't believe God loves His daughters any more than He loves His sons.
I really don't.
But, I do believe He loves us differently.

In the back of my new little book, I invited the girls to email me directly to my gmail address (It didn't seem like a crazy idea at the time. It's still not crazy but I have been a little ovewhelmed by the responses. Though SO GRATEFUL and humbled by these incredible girls and their testimonies. Really, the world is in very good hands.)

An email I just received from one anxious girl totally made me smile.
Oh, I remember being her.

Hi you don't know me but i have read just the first chapter in your book. The one about faith. Well i have a question for you if your ok with answering it. How did it all work out?? Because as of right now I'm in that exact same position!!!! I am in love with the most amazing and religious guy that i know. He has helped with my testimony and has earned a special place in my heart. I met him at EFY and we are pretty good friends without him knowing that i'm crazy in love with him. and i have plans about him serving a mission and then him coming home and falling in love and getting sealed in the salt lake temple but i'm scared that it won't happen and i won't be happy. that he will marry another girl and i won't be happy. and yes i have prayed about it alot but i keep getting the answer that he knows the desires of my heart.its all i want is to be sealed to him but idk whats going to happen i want to know how your happily ever after happened?help please;)

Hmmm...what to do?
Do I tell her what really happened?
Do I risk devastating her young heart?
I mean, I know what she wants me to say...
She wants to hear the same "happily ever after" I wanted to hear when I was her. (Um, who am I kidding...that I *still* want to hear...).
Seriously. What to say?

Well, this is what I said:

Oh, I can totally hear the anxiousness in your heart and I SO get it. I do. This is a big deal. When you have given a guy (especially a great one) a little bit of your heart, it's a scary thing.

I can tell you that there have been a few guys that I really gave my heart to that I thought I'd marry...that I wanted to marry. And I thought my world would be shattered if it didn't happen. And I didn't marry either of them.
Of course, I was so sad.

But, you know what?
It's all okay.
In fact, it's better than okay.

And here is why and here is what you HAVE to know:
Heavenly Father already knows the guy you're going to end up with. And He needs YOU to focus on YOU and getting yourself to where you need to be and becoming the woman He needs you to be. I don't know what's going to happen with this guy that you love right now. AND...unfortunately, it's not for you to know either. Not right now.

But, I promise you...I PROMISE YOU...that Heavenly Father will take care of you. He will. And He will take care of your heart. I Promise.

SO...you keep being this guy's friend. You keep being the amazing [name]. You keep living your life and enjoying the moments and reading your scriptures and saying your prayers and trust that Heavenly Father will take care of everything. SO much can and will happen between now and then. You just put a smile on your face and trust that He is taking care of everything. He is orchestrating details of your life right now to give you every happiness He can.

(And isn't that exciting?)

Heavenly Father takes care of His daughters. I promise you that.

xoxo
laurel

I am a girl who knows my Father takes care of His daughters.
He loves His girls...and takes care of our hearts.
He gives us a lifetime of "happily ever after".
He really really does.

Whose goodness faileth never

The King of Love my Shepherd is,
Whose goodness faileth never;
I nothing lack if I am his
And he is mine forever.

I need to be in bed. I really do.
But, I find myself tonight needing to acknowledge the goodness of God. Maybe just for me, but acknowledge it nonetheless.

Tonight was my first speaking commitment since I started on this change in my life. I was looking forward to seeing what the experience would be like with this new head of mine because I've just noticed that so many other situations are different for me now.

Work meetings are different (and that's a post on its own).
Social gatherings are different.
Church is different.
Working out is different.
Being by myself is different.

Life is different.
Because I am different.

And so I assumed I would feel different standing in front of a group of girls...that I'd feel more passionate about the message or I'd feel more confident or I'd feel more connected.

But, I didn't feel any different.
Nothing about tonight was any different than the other times.
I was surprised.
And almost a little concerned.

Until just a few minutes ago when I tried to hit my head on the pillow, it dawned on me.

The King of Love my Shepherd is,
Whose goodness faileth never;
I nothing lack if I am his
And he is mine forever.

All those times before, even with all the stuff in my head that wasn't quite right, even with some false beliefs I held about myself, even with the insecurities and the sadness that sometimes found its way into my heart...

All those times before, He used me.
He helped me be who I needed to be.
He helped me feel what I needed to feel.
He helped me say what I needed to say.

Tonight, I know of the goodness of God in a way perhaps I didn't before. I see how He carried me, how He magnified me, how He used me, inspite of myself.

That's really what The King of Love does.
When we are His, when we are doing His work, when we are trusting in Him, we have everything. Because we lack nothing.

His goodness has never failed me.
And I never understood that like I do tonight.
My little heart is overflowing with what I'm feeling.

The King of Love.
My Shepherd Is.




(P.S. The girl? I just got another text tonight with a pretty big life change she made today. After telling me what she did to send a message to her friends that she's becoming a different girl now she said, "I know its crazy that it is really happening I didn't think I could ever do this but I can and I'm doing it." Yes you can, my dear and yes you are. God is so good. SO good. so. good.)

25 years.

25 years ago tonight.
It happened.

I just returned from another evening with another great group of remarkable young women.

And talking about the theme...on the actual anniversary of the theme...wow.

I am a girl who KNOWS...I KNOW...that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who LOVES ME.

HE. LOVES. ME.

And I. Love. Him.
So much.

And all these years later, the words of the theme are a part of me now.
They make up who I am.
They go with me everywhere I go.
They influence every choice I make.
They are powerful, powerful words.
And they are powerful because they are true.

We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him.
We will "stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things,
and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9) as we strive to live
the Young Women values, which are:
Faith
Divine Nature
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Choice and Accountability
Good Works
Integrity and
Virtue.
We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values,
we will be prepared to strengthen home and family,

make and keep sacred covenants,
receive the ordinances of the temple,

and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

(YW Theme, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

A Rendezvous to keep

There are things stirring in my life.
And there are happenings in the lives of those I love

that call me to my knees.
I will never question the existence of God.
I will never question the love of God.
Never.

I have seen too much.
I have felt too much.

But, when people in your life are struggling with hard things...
when there is uncertainty in the lives of those who have a place in your heart...
when you feel something happening in your own life

that could bring dramatic change...good change.

But uncertain change.

In such times, it's important to remember that...

God loves us
and, loving us,
has placed us here to cope with challenges
which he will place before us.
I'm not sure we can always understand
the implications of his love,
because his love will call us at times
to do things we may wonder about,
and we may be confronted with circumstances
we would rather not face.

I believe with all my heart
that because God loves us
there are some particularized challenges
that he will deliver to each of us.
He will customize the curriculum
for each of us
in order to teach us the things
we most need to know.

He will set before us in life
what we need,
not always what we like.
And this will require us
to accept
with all our hearts
the truth
that there is divine design
in each of our lives
and that you have
a rendezvous to keep.
-Neal A Maxwell ("But For a Small Moment", 1974)

I love that.

I trust that.

And I'm keeping my rendezvous.

Wyoming: Take 2

I thought my first experience in Wyoming might have been an anomoly.

But it wasn't.

I know that because I had a aweet experience again last night with the girls in the Rock Springs, WY Stake. Perhaps one of the sweetest of my life (I know I said that about that last one too.)

What is it about that place?

Wyoming isn't flashy.
I mean, if you choose to live in Wyoming, you're doing it for a reason other than appearance.
As soon you cross the state line, you sense God got to Wyoming last.
And when He got there, He must have been tired.
It's like He said, "Ah, not many are going to live here anyway. This is good enough."

And there is something about that that I really really like.

Well, Wyoming is actually very pretty.
You just have to get off the beaten path to see that.
And it's worth getting off the beaten path for.

And not many people do.

But the girls there?
WOW.
I told them that whatever was in the water, they should keep drinking it.
They. Were. Sweet.
And. Good.
SO very good.
It was one of the easiest experiences I've ever had.
I knew the nanosecond I stood up that these girls were different.
And I was there to experience them.

No, God didn't spend much time on the land of Wyoming.
But, He's spent a lot of time on the girls there.
It's like they know Him a little better because they don't have the distractions of the world.
They love Him.
And He loves them.
That was crystal clear.
I saw it firsthand.

God loves Wyoming

It's so late.
I should go to bed.
But, tonight was...
wow.

It was one of those experiences where you're so aware of the awareness of God that you feel indebted in such a way that a repayment seems to require a public expression of appreciation.

I spent the evening with the remarkable girls of the Kemmerer Wyoming Stake.
It was my first time speaking to girls from Wyoming and they were some of the finest girls I have EVER had the privilege of meeting.
And tonight was quite possibly one of the sweetest experiences of my life.

The theme for the camp was based on this little project.
It was kind of surreal for me.
Each day focused on a different text message from the book.
The girls learned the accompanying scripture and were invited to do the "little" or "big" message at the end of the texts chapter.
This morning, for example, the focus was JST U W8.
And the girls created their "dream list".

Do you know that one of the girl's dreams included "standing as a witness of Christ at all time and in all things and in all places."

Yes, really.

I sensed it was going to be different as I began the drive.
And by the time I made the three hour trek to get to them,
I just felt prepared for something unique.

And. it. was.

I had the chance to talk to every girl.
All 100 of them.
We pinky swore they would take the "prayer challenge" before they drove down the mountain tomorrow morning.
They told me what their dreams were.
We did standing ovations.
We cried and laughed and committed to be better.

I couldn't have imagined, when these summer commitments began, how they would all play out.
I couldn't have dared ask that I would be blessed with these kinds of experiences.
And I certainly didn't expect the privilege of tonight.

Oh, Wyoming. I'm so grateful I didn't say "no".

Who knew I'd love you so much?
He did.
I bet He did.

God is SO very kind to us.
He is SO very aware of us.
He loves His daughters.
And I'm so grateful
SO grateful
to be one of them.

Oh, and God loves Wyoming.
I'm sure of it.

I saw God this morning

Last summer on the way home from my trip to China, I read the best-selling Christian novel THE SHACK.

It's a great little gem in which the main character is dealing with something horrifically difficult and ends up in a place where he meets and spends time with God (who is depicted as a big black woman), Jesus (who if I remember was a Gardner) and the Spirit (his physical form is escaping me right now).

This books fascinated me for many reasons:
a.) it portrays the Godhead as three distinct beings...something Mormons believe but most of the Christian world does not
b.) actually, that was the main point of my fascination.
c.) it made me more aware of the ways God really does manifest Himself in our lives. I still know He is a physical God of flesh and bones. I really do believe that. But because He is God, He has the power to manifest Himself through others. No question.

The book changed me a little. It didn't do anything to change my beliefs but it did help me think more about having conversations with God and seeing evidences of Him more often. I feel like I've spent the last year of my life doing just that.

And so, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised this morning when He showed up at my house.
He tried to call first, at 6:02am but I didn't want to pick up.
The next thing I knew there was a knock on my door.

"You can't hide from me," He said. "You're getting on your treadmill. Talk to me."

And I did.

For 35 minutes I walked and then ran and then almost threw up...while I talked and cried and couldn't breathe.

And He just listened.

He yelled a couple of times when He needed to knock some sense into me.
But, He also cried with me and said things I needed to hear.
"You can do this."
"It's not too late."
"You're not the same girl you were before."
"You ARE doing this."

And I ran harder and longer than I have any of the other mornings since I became "a runner".

It's been a fascinating week for me full of some of the best highs and some of the hard lows. he who does not deserve to be named (and doesn't even deserve a capital "h" in "he") has delighted in confusing my heart and my mind with lies he has spent much of my life whispering to me. And the tragedy of that is that I was believing him...and I was getting defeated...all in a matter of about 36 hours.

But, he will not win.
he can't.
he never will.

Because
This morning, "God" showed up out of the blue.
She had followed a prompting when she was awakened at 5:30 am.
And she didn't think twice about grabbing the baby and driving to my house.
And she said everything He needed her to say.
And she listened to everything I needed someone to hear.
And she pushed me.
And I needed it.

I saw God this morning.
He was a 5'8" white woman with hair in a bun, holding a 1yr old, standing at my door in pajamas at 6:05am.

Who knew?

God knows Jordan.

I rushed out the door to get through the traffic to get to the canyon. I felt the need to turn off the radio and put in the heaven cd.

And then it started.

Thoughts and images of girls.
None of it made a lot of sense and the timing was horrible.
I knew I wouldn't have time to write a new message before getting to the camp.

So, I told the Lord that it would be so much easier if I gave the message I'd been giving the last few weeks. Surely I could make it work. Was He sure it needed to be different? (note to self. don't question promptings like that.)

And then more impressions about the girls.
One in particular.
I couldn't see her face.
But, I knew she was up at the camp.

******

I was so nervous when I stood up to speak.
I felt unprepared and unsure of what I would say and how it would all fit.

"I promise if you'll listen, Heavenly Father will talk to you tonight through the Spirit. I hope you hear something from Him. It will likely be something you don't even hear me say. My job is to just stay out of the way so the Spirit can give you the message He wants you to hear."

After my typical intro, I realized my little card with some notes and an outline had fallen off my scriptures and blown from outside my easy reach.

"Okay," I said. "You're in charge."

I told stories and shared things I haven't shared before in that setting. We laughed together and cried together but I didn't know where it was going.

I looked around the entire time, trying to make eye contact with each girl.
I wondered where she was.
But, I never saw her.

And I just wasn't sure if I had done what He had asked me to do.

******

I had the chance to meet many of the girls.
I love talking to them. They are really incredible.
I love asking their names and guessing their ages.
I love making them pinky swear that they'll take the prayer challenge.

As they made their way down to the pavillion, the Gardners made their way to me.
We must have talked and caught up for 30 minutes.

As we turned to walk down the hill from the amphitheater, I noticed again the two girls who I thought had been waiting for their leader who had been talking to us. I said, "You girls stayed here and passed up the ice cream down at the pavillion? You're crazy!"

And then she said, "Actually, can I talk to you for a minute?"

I was horrified that she had been waiting for me. I don't ever expect anyone to want to talk to me, let alone wait.

The others quickly walked down the hill.

And we were left alone.

I've had the privilege of talking to a lot of girls in my experiences with these opportunities. And I've even had moments of feeling impressed to say certain things to them.

But, when "Jordan" began to cry, I said a little prayer.
"Please Heavenly Father. If there's something I need to say or do, make it clear."
"I already did" was the reply.

And then I realized I was in the presence of the girl.

The girl He cared so much about that He had gotten through my crazy head and my insecurities and my need to give a polished presentation...and prompted me to give a different message.

It was for her.

She started to tell me her story. "It feels so good to say this out loud to someone." She tried to tell me all the reasons she doesn't go to Church anymore. How hard it is to get there when her parents have decided none of it matters. And then, what I had felt compelled to share made so much sense.

We talked and talked.
Well, mostly, she talked and I listened.

"It's so hard" she said.
"But, He knew it would be," I heard myself say. "And if He thought He would lose you by having you in this situation, He wouldn't have let you be here. Jordan, He knows you can do this. He knows everything that's going on right now."

She just nodded.
And there were more tears for both of us.

I felt compelled to take her by the arm and look her into her 15-yr old eyes.
And I made her a promise right then and there.
Even as I said it, I was questioning myself.
Who was I to say what I said?
But, that's just it...it wasn't about me.
He needed to get a message...a promise...to one of His daughters and He was going to get that message to her inspite of me.

I don't quite have words to express what I feel even as I type this experience. I've gone back and forth about posting it. I find myself praying that you'll see the message of this experience for what it is...a testimony that God knows each of us. This wasn't about me. It was about one girl who needed to hear His promise. I was just blessed to be in the right place at the right time. He used me. I got to be used by Him because I was there.

I love knowing that God knows Jordan.
I love knowing that He would orchestrate an experience just for her.

It's a confirmation the He knows me.
That even now, He is orchestrating details of my life too.

It's true for me.
It's true for Jordan.
It's true for you too.

So, just in case you need a reminder.
He knows you.
He does.
I promise.