the day I went bananas

Well, now that we got the sad out of the way...

The following conversation actually took place about 10 days ago:

(Me inside my head: Here I am. Going into Banana Republic. Someday I'll totally be able to shop here.)

Tammy: I just want to find something for Easter.

Me: Oh, so pretty. What about this? (holding up the prettiest pink patterned silky thing you've ever seen)

Tammy: you should try that on. It would totally fit you.

Me: (laughing) Um, no. It won't. And the last thing I need right now is that kind of disappointment.

Tammy: Laurel, seriously. Look at you. It will fit. Just try it on.

(Insert several minutes of encouragement & insisting.)

Me in dressing room: SHUT UP!

(Tammy enters dressing room)

Tammy: Look at you! Would you look at you? You're normal, Laurel. You're normal.

Me (a tich emotional...but the good kind): Um, I'm in Banana Republic trying something on! I'm going to buy something here & it's not a scarf or a necklace. Holy holy cow!

Can I be personal for a minute? (you know, since I'm never personal...)
When you have weight issues, you are keenly aware that you are not "normal". I can't tell you how many times I have expressed my desire to just feel "normal". And I get that there is a lot of emotion about women & body issues & I'm not making a statement about what IS "normal". I'm not making judgments about sizes or what is "right" for other women.

But for THIS woman, who always knew she was living beneath the real her, who feared shedding the barrier she had spent too much time hiding behind...for THIS woman...ME...to be able to do something as simple as walk into a "normal" store & try on a "normal" size and have it fit? To wear that amazing little number in public and know I'm no longer hiding?

It might seem like such a little thing but I don't quite have words for it.

Except to say, I'm back in the game.
I'm figuring out more about why I do what I do & think what I think and there seriously is no stopping this girl from finishing what she started.
(& one good thing about this "heart stuff"? Lots of running & a surprising lack of ice cream...)

But, you know something?
I don't feel "normal" like I thought it would...
No.

Instead, I feel amazing.

(and I also might feel brave...pictures coming.)

a little bleeding heart

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept,
things we don't want to know but have to learn,
and people we can't live without but have to let go.
~Author Unknown

Do you see these little pink flowers (the ones that look like little hearts)?
The real name of that flower?
"Bleeding Hearts"--
They came on Sunday from a dear friend who wanted to help take care of mine.

I love my heart.
I really do.

It works.
It loves. Deeply.
It's loyal.
And it's ridiculously committed once it makes a decision to open its little self up.
Even when things get hard.
Even when some would say otherwise.
Even when it feels a little cautious.
Even with all of that, when it decides to be "in",
my little heart is committed. SO committed.

Lucky will be the man who gets this committed heart of mine.
And, blessed will I be to find the man who it's finally safe with.

I have a whole slew of half-written posts about really great things like Newsies in NYC and shopping at Banana Republic for the first time in my adult life because I'm finally almost "normal" and training for another half and speaking at a Youth Conference in California and seeing one of the best movies I've seen in a really long time.

But, every time I go to finish one or almost post one, I feel like my little heart (that has had two of the rougher weeks it has ever known) is saying, "hey. you can't pretend you're okay when you're not. You don't have to say things are good when a whole lotta times they don't feel good. It doesn't make you weak to admit you're having a really hard time...it makes you normal. It makes you healthy. It means I work. And knowing this heart of yours works is a good thing...a very good thing."

So, this is the post I write and hit "publish" in an attempt to clear it out of the way so there is context for so many of the things I'm learning and experiencing and processing and understanding right now. I have no idea how much I'll talk about it...or how much I should. But, just in case I do, now you know.

So, be patient with me. My little heart still feels like it's bleeding just a little bit.

xoxo

I guess the Lord must be in NYC.

Do you know that song?
It's from my all-time favorite movie.

And I found out last month He really is.


I don't know what it was, exactly.
But, I felt like I was stopped in my tracks as we walked in front of the Central Synagogue in New York City last month. The day had had some intensity and also a whole lot of fun and my little spirit just needed to feel grounded.

And so when the security guard standing out front noticed my interest and told us we could go inside as soon as the choir was done rehearsing, well, you would have thought I was a girl who had just had a Sprinkles cupcake (oh, wait...I was a girl who had just had a Sprinkles cupcake.)

And I was overcome with peace the moment we walked in.



I remember coming home after learning about the holocaust in 4th grade and telling my parents I wanted to be Jewish (that was also about the time I wanted to be from Idaho...and be black...I clearly didn't connect all those dots). I felt connected to that culture. I always have.

And so when we were invited to then stay for part of the service by some of the nicest people I have ever met (please bless that people feel as welcome when they walk into a Mormon chapel), we couldn't resist.

It was their Evening Shabbat service.
And while we waited for the service to begin, we looked through the prayer book (a hymnal of sorts) and shared one prayer after the next:

Entrances to holiness are everywhere.
The possibility of ascent is all the time,
even at unlikely times & through unlikely places.
There is no place on earth without the Presence.
(oh, don't you just love that?)

We are a people in whom the past endures,
in whom the present is inconceivable without moments gone by.
The Exodus lasted a moment enduring forever.
What happened once upon a time happens all the time.
(yep. go ahead...read that again)

And then this gem that sums up how I feel about life today:

I find by experience, not by reasoning,
but by my own discovery that God is near me,
and I can be near God at all times.
I cannot explain it, but I am as sure of my experience
as I am of the fact that I live and love.
I cannot explain how I have come to live and love, but I know I do.
In the same way I know I am in contact with God.
(oh, how I believe all of that. I do.)

We sang their chants with them.
And listened to their prayers.
We even got a little teary.

And then it was time to slip out the back so we could get to Newsies (more later. but run...don't walk...get it on your calendar. plan your trip to see it.).

"This was the highlight of this trip. THANK YOU." I told the security guard.

I love that, for a little under an hour, I felt like I was home.
Surrounded by love and this covering of peace.
It was like I knew all was right in the world.

And I think that's because all was.

In that moment, in that place, sitting on that synagogue bench, I absolutely felt the presence of God.
Yes, "entrances to holiness are everywhere...
even at unlikely times & through unlikely places."

Even in the middle of NYC.
Especially in the middle of NYC...at the Central Synagogue.
There simply "is no place on earth without the Presence".

HIS presence.
And I'm so grateful for the experience.
And the sweet reminder today.

The Lord really is in New York City.
And thankfully, He's right here too...wherever we happen to be.


Learn more about Central Synagogue here

Speechless

I've been away for a while.
Did you notice?

I've been away doing some really good things (like speaking and taking a trip to NYC), some really important things (like changing my priorities and learning to put others first), and some really hard things...that are also really good & important (like being vulnerable and opening my heart...oh, and training for another half-marathon).

And I'm learning a lot.
About the power of love and the power of hope and the importance of agency.
And so many other truths.
And I think I'm ready to talk about some of them.
If anyone is still reading this little blog.

I wish I wasn't up quite so early on a Sunday.
But my mind is spinning.

Yet this Easter Sunday, I find myself waking up without words.
Except for the words from one of the songs on my playlist that I've been running to (haven't missed a day in 27 days, but the way. Thanks to Peter Vidmar...we'll talk about that more later.)

So, yes, this morning I am uncharacteristically without words...
Overwhelmed by the goodness of a God in Heaven who has saved me...quite literally...and shown me a love that leaves me, quite frankly, speechless.

Happy Easter.



I am speechless, I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by Your wondrous grace
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave
And I am speechless in Your presence now
I'm astonished as I consider how
You have shown us
A love that leaves us, speechless.


Go here to learn more about what makes me speechless