An inspirational nugget from "guitar guy"

I was leaving work tonight...kind of late...
trying desperately to get everything done so I can leave for a work trip tomorrow morning.

I was tired.
Happy (because I really am happy right now), but tired.
The kind of tired where you almost can't breathe when you look at your list of things to do (or worse, realize you don't have a list because there's just so much to do!).
The kind of tired where you just don't know how you can do it all.

As I was walking to my car a rather "interesting" (i.e. a little scary) guy was carrying his guitar (and most of his life's possessions, I assume) walking along side of me.
I was too tired to even be nervous.

Said the guy,not really to me, kind of just to the universe, (and I quote), "I can't do it. I can't carry the cross. Hell, I can barely carry my guitar. Only Jesus can carry the cross. I can't do it. I can barely carry this."

Amen, brother.
Amen.

"And whosoever doth not bear his cross,
and come after me,
cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:27

And you thought I was obnoxious about my hair?!?

My favorite single male friend (and yes, I do really like the few that I have, it's just that I don't want to add any others right now) mocks me a bit for how in love I am with my hair. And I concede that I am a bit obnoxious about my hair.
I think its great.
But, I have spent most of my life with not-so-great hair.
And when you spend time without something and then you finally get it, you (or rather people like me) tend to be a little more passionate, yea even obnoxiously passionate, than others who've had it for longer.

Let me explain.

In addition to thinking I have really great hair, I also think I'll be a really killer mom.
Now, I know all you-who-have-previously-married-and-had-children-who-yell-"MOM!" think that people like me have this really fairy tale idea of how great motherhood is. But, I've been around enough moms (and kids) to know that it's NOT always great. And it's certainly no fairy tale.

But, it will be for me.

I've spent the last few days hosting my sister Heather, her husband Harvey, and my oldest nephew & niece, Isaac and Hannah and it's been deeelightful.

I love having a reason to sing loud in the car with the windows rolled down and embarrass the kids.

I love having a reason to go to Boondocks and play Ski-ball.

I love having to play Ticket to Ride (the Europe edition...which makes the States edition really lame).

I love having a little family to cook Sunday dinner for complete with my newly famous-known-round-about-the-land MarionBerry Cobbler (with homemade Magic Shell...I'm not kidding! I discovered a much yummier (and all natural) Magic Shell....btw, when I was in 2nd grade, I was a taste tester for Magic Shell. Truly. If it weren't for my passing it with flying colors, it's very likely it would never have ended up on your local grocery store shelf and then none of you would get to currently enjoy the so-chemicalized-you-probably-shouldn't-be-eating-it conconction...so, really, you should thank me...but back to the post...)

I love getting up on a holiday to find this super yummy healthy pancake recipe. (and to make is even yummier and healthier, add a tablespoon of wheat germ and 2 tsp. flax seed. I substituted the honey for brown sugar...because it's a holiday...well, that and I discovered this morning my honey was really old...I used rice milk instead of buttermilk...to counteract the brown sugar, of course...and used real vanilla extract instead of almond. Also added 2 tsp of cinnamon). Add some strawberries (the kind from Costco right now? HOLY COW. They are AMAZING. My cousin Jake turned me on to Costco. Jake really loves that place. You know how when we were little and someone would say "I love pizza." and then you would say "Well, why don't you marry it then?" Yeah, I don't say that to Jake because he really truly would marry Costco if he could...and in light of what recently happened in California with the marriage mockery...read my little brother's great post about that... it might even be legal!...but where was I?)
Oh, the strawberries....anyway, it was a delightful breakfast.

So, my point in all this is that it's been SO nice to play "mother/hostess/housecleaner/chef/chauffer" for the last few days. It's a life I could really get used to.
And I know my friend Tammy is SO looking forward to joining me on my business trip this week (I'll be gone most of the week to Toronto for our event there), so much that she texted me a few days ago saying "Calgon take me away"...She needs a break. Being a mom can be overwhelming...I get that. I promise I do.

But, I think when you wait so long for something (like having amazing hair), you just appreciate it in a little different way....and maybe you are able to be a little more passionate about it...a little more excited about it...yea, verily, a little more obnoxious about it.

And so, I think I've earned the right to be obnoxiously passionate about this.

Come on over.
I'm barbequing and having "arts & crafts" later this afternoon.

(PS this might be the place to add one of the sweetest experiences I had last week, while visiting the Kapps again. We were talking about my prayer of being a mom and Heber said something SO interesting...and for those of you who don't know, Heber & Ardeth were never able to have children of their own and made the difficult decision that adoption was not right for them...if you want to read a truly inspiring book, read Ardeth's Biography...WOW...so anyway, Heber was talking about all the things Ardeth was able to do because they DIDN'T have children...the nights she spent at the YW offices until 11 p.m. working on things that have never been done before or since...that she couldn't have done if she had had to worry about being home with her own children...ways the Lord used them to be parents to other children...anyway, he said something that was so beautiful: "We are much more possessive than the Lord is." Think about that...and I'll post more about that later. Really I will...)

(PSS...since it IS Memorial Day and since I never use the blog to make political statements, I'll take one liberty. Consider this: "The lesson of Vietnam, I think, should be that never again will young Americans be asked to fight and possibly die for a cause unless that cause is so meaningful that we, as a nation, pledge our full resources to achieve victory as quickly as possible." Gov. Ronald Reagan, 1974)

My dress was better (also knowns as "I'm a good godmother! I am! I am!")

So, tonight was Lilly's first birthday and as the godmother of little Lilly, I was of course invited to the birthday party (never mind that I was late and missed the traditional "birthday cake dig-in" enjoyed by every new one year old...I'm SUCH a bad godmother!).

With a birthday party comes the birthday gift.
Now the birthday gift, when you are the godmother, is a delicate matter.

TOO good and you show up the grandparents.
NOT good enough and you have the parents questioning their "godmother decision".
Like I said, it's a delicate balance.

And there is no "godmother training" course, so really you kind of have to be self-taught in this matter (and so many others).
Lucky for me, I have LOTS of experience in self-teaching...
harmonica (and no, there is no end to my odd talents)...
shoe shopping...
EHarmony...
speeding tickets...
but, I digress.

I got to the party, albeit a little late, just in time for the present opening.
I bought one, kind of creepy, stuffed-animal elephant head that makes a funny noise when you push it's belly (which really is creepy because it really is just a stuffed-animal HEAD of the elephant...there really ISN'T a belly) for Lilly so that she'd have something to play with (she pretty much hated it...it freaked her out...).
And then I got her the cutest dress ever.
And I mean CUTE.
Pink
Polka-dots
Colorful ribbons
SO CUTE. SO CUTE, right? I mean sure, I'm wearing the exact same thing I was wearing when I went golfing with grandpa but this isn't about me.
HOW CUTE IS THAT DRESS?

Everyone "ooh"d and "awe"d, which is really why you buy the perfect dress for a 1-year old. You certainly aren't buying it for the child...it's to impress the people at the party, right?

And, unfortunately for Tammy's sister, they saw my dress AFTER opening the dress she HANDMADE.
Sure, it was adorable fabric.
Sure, it had matching pantaloons (sp?).
SURE, it was reversible.
SURE, it was made with love.
SURE, it was the kind of thing you'd sell at a boutique in Park City for $85. But, how can THIS brilliant little creation beat my offerring?
So, after seeing the homemade dress from the aunt, it was a little awkward for everyone when they saw the adorable dress from the godmother.

I mean they had no choice but to not be quite as taken by my dress.
They didn't want Uzi to feel bad!
Yes, it was a little awkward.

She still thinks her dress won the contest (as if there was a contest. Come on! It was all about Lilly and her happiness. That's all that really mattered.).
But, it was so painfully obvious which dress was better.

So painfully obvious...

(by the way, this picture just doesn't do this creation justice. Head on over to the I-think-I'll-show-up-the-best-friend-and-godmother-with-her-lame-store-bought-dress seamstress's blog. And, really, you have to order one of these puppies. I've just never seen anything cuter. I'm ordering some myself!...not FOR myself...that would be odd. I'm ordering them as a "faith order" planning to someday need them...much like I just "faith ordered" a king size mattress. But, now I'm really digressing...ever notice I have a tendency to do that?)

"Anne's" 100 mile summer

Since "Anne" is the girl who's been trying to meet boys, "Anne" has some work to do (I always think it's obnoxious when people talk in third person, but, on the other hand, if they merely have a few personalities and just talk about one of them, that's not obnoxious...it's just mildly disturbing).

And, so Anne has some goals.
(and just so you have a little bit of context, my middle name is Ann but if you spell it AnnE, then that's kind of like "Anne of Green Gables" and I'm a sucker for Gilbert Blythe so in that context AnnE is my preferred middle or psuedo name. "Laurel Anne" takes the cake. But this isn't about Laurel. It's about Anne.)

One of the goals is to do a 5K every month this summer.
And to be ready enough that she can EASILY beat the 10 year old chubby kid crying to his Dad right behind her.
And she can run a 10K before the end of the year.

And so, she's going to run 100 miles this summer.
Which really shouldn't be a big deal.
But, Anne needs a number so she has a goal.
Anne needs like a paper chain of 100 parts that represent 100 miles so she can take them off one at a time.
Anne is visual.
Anne needs a marker.

SO, beginning June 1 (because no miles will count until then), Anne has to hit 100 miles of non-race mileage. It's her "100 mile summer", if will.
Amidst girls camps and trips to Scotland and secret get aways and her brother visiting and her Aunt Linda coming home from a mission and her parents staying for a while and Ryan Shupe & Richard Marx and Into the Woods and a few other secrets up her sleeve....
Yeah, amidst all that, Anne has to run 100 miles.

Let the runnning begin.
Who's with me?

I'm sticking with my married male friends...

...for a little while.

One of my friends recently told me that I think too much.
I think maybe that's true.
Sometimes I think too much.

So, this is me NOT thinking...very much.
(clearly this is proof or I would NEVER be sharing this. And just so you know, this really is supposed to be funny...not pathetic...but genuinely funny. In other words, it really is okay to laugh. Because I have.)

There once was a time when the number of single heterosexual men in my life well outnumbered the number of married heterosexual men. But things have changed, my friends. Things have changed.

Now, I have to work really hard to assign each of my fingers on one hand the name of a single heterosexual guy I currently know. And that's only if I pretend I don't have a thumb.

But, I digress.

Currently, I have more married male friends than single male friends. And I have to say, aside from the "I'd like to be married and I can't marry men who are already married" thing, it's not so bad.

The married men I know are among the finest men around.
And they think I'm great.
And they don't play games.
I'm like their kid sister who they feel protective of.
They want to beat up the boy who broke my heart.
They think he's crazy.
Who doesn't love that?

And we'll get back to them in a minute.

Recently I got a bee in my bonnet to show the Lord I was really committed to doing my part again to get married (not married again...this will be a first...but trying again to find someone...). And after looking at my one hand (and pretending I didn't have a thumb) I realized a 36 year old single chiquita doesn't have a lot of choices in the meeting of eligible bachelors. I've had my fair share of set ups and that's been just fine. But, I decided to be a little more proactive by hooking up with this Dr. friend of mine (because surely "Dr. friends" would be good for quality hook ups, right?)

Well, the only problem is, this particular "Dr. friend" is also trying to hook up several hundred thousand other people.

(Really, Laurel, are you REALLY sharing this?)

Dr. Warren.
Dr. Neil Warren.
That might happen to be the same guy who founded EHarmony.
It might be.

So, this "Dr. friend" of mine has done me pretty good. I had a goal to have a date a month and I've been able to do that. And I've had the chance to be the "I'm not that interested" side of the relationship (which is always good for the feelings of self-worth) and I've even done some missionary work in the process (another story for another time). But about a month ago, Dr. Warren tried to set me up with a guy I had already met.

Awkward.

But, this guy didn't realize we had already met.
More awkward.

Now, granted, I look different than when we originally met (like 6 years ago). But he wasn't looking at my "super model" picture. He was looking at a pretty regular picture of me (I mean, not that this happened online or anything. Dr. Warren just happened to have pictures of both of us and just happened to share them.). But, he didn't realize it.

So, we've been "communicating" only I'm such a dork that I've been using the name "Anne" because I have feared this very thing...getting matched with someone I already knew. So, he was kind of acting way too interested (because I really am completely irresistable via email and phone...guys dig my wit and my voice...what can I say?) and I figured it was time to "come clean" before he got in too deep (grin) and tell him who I was and that we'd already met (and that he was a jerk back then but I wasn't going to mention that).

SO....

I tell him, "um, oh, by the way, my real name is Laurel and you might not remember this but we met through (blah blah blah) at (blah blah blah)". I felt like I needed to be honest, tell him who I was and then kindly "close the match", so to speak.

But, I kind of lost interest and didn't do anything.
Until last night.

You see, God and I have been doing quite a bit of talking lately (more about that later) and I finally just straight out asked Him if it was okay if I canceled my subscription (or, I mean, ended my friendship) with Dr. Warren. I told Him I would step up other efforts but did He really mean for me to spend my time & energy trying to meet His sons like this?

So, the nanosecond God confirmed I could bow out (which was last night), I hopped online to...end my friendship...with my Dr. friend. And I was going to close all the current matches and just gracefully walk away with a little bit of satisfaction.

But, I didn't get to enjoy the closing of this particular match.
Because he had closed it already.
WHAT?!? HE closed it?
He doesn't have the right to close the match, right?
I mean if ANYONE gets to close the match it's me.
I was the one who was nice enough to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he'd changed.
He was the one that initiated contact.
You don't get to close the match when YOU were the jerk and YOU initiated contact.
Right?
Am I right?

I actually paid money to be connected to a guy whose path I've crossed before who I thought was a jerk then only to have my path cross his again so that he could close the match?
Now THAT is funny.
I actually think that is really really funny.
(that's $99.95 I'm never going to get back).

So, I'm out.
Good bye, EHarmony.
Good bye.

And, this is me...not thinking very much.
(BTW, for now I'm sticking with my married male friends for a little while. It's just so much easier...grin...)

Ah, someone is at the door...my houseguests for the weekend.
More later!

Taking time for a class I didn't sign up for...

In an effort to not be unhelpfully vague (which some of you have commented is the case with some of my posts), I will share some specifics to illustrate the truth that GOD IS KEENLY AWARE OF EACH ONE OF US if we'll just take the time to notice it....and learn from it.

Because of my job, I get a lot of opportunities to be around some pretty amazing people. I don't talk about it much here because I don't ever want it to come across wrong. I totally get that the only reason I even know these people...the only reason they know me...is because of my job, perhaps one of the reasons I am most grateful for my current paycheck.

I had been invited to have dinner at the home of one of my true "idols" tonight. We had been trying to get together for months but things kept coming up for both of us and it eventually got rescheduled for tonight.

The Lord knew I needed it TONIGHT.

But, the amazing thing is that He knew I needed it back in 1985.
Now, THAT'S amazing.

You see, when I was 13 yrs old, living outside Louisville, Kentucky, I went to the first General Young Women's broadcast I can remember. It was Ardeth Kapp's first broadcast as the General Young Women President for the Church. And that was the year that the YW Theme and Values and value colors were introduced. I've talked about this before but suffice it to say, something happened to my little 13 year old heart when I heard Sister Kapp speak. I felt immediately connected to her. I remember thinking that if I could just have the chance to actually talk to her, I could totally figure all of life out. I loved her instantly through that satellite broadcast.

The Lord know I would need to feel that way about her.
Because He intended to use her at other times in my life.

Fast forward 19 years to 2004.

I was in Phoenix for a TOFW event and had reason to take Ardeth from the airport to the hotel. We had never really talked previously. But, I was there after a particularly heart-wrenching few weeks. Ardeth asked if I had time to go to dinner with her. I remember thinking, "What? Me? Go to dinner with Sister Kapp?" It was one of the most memorable nights of my life and the Lord spoke to me that night. Because of how I felt about life at that time and how I felt about HER, I truly believe she was the only person who could have reached me. Someday I'll share more of that experience.

(Since then, I can recall at least a half dozen times when, I've been sitting in my office on a hard day and Sister Kapp will poke her head in, or send an email, or call, just to say, "I've been thinking about you and I think you should know..." He has used her to talk to me when I couldn't quite hear Him.)

Fast forward 4 years to tonight.

I was having dinner at the home of Ardeth & Heber Kapp, after a particularly hard day. I had intended on just being a delightful dinner guest, enjoying the experience of being with one of my very most favorite married couples in the whole world. But, during the shrimp cocktail appetizer (and I hate shrimp cocktail), Heber started asking questions. We had a completely stimulating conversation about some things that, by the soup course, turned into a discussion about me...my life...

What transpired for me tonight was a combination of an invitation to "step it up", so to speak and a clear view that God is in charge and that I need to be more willing to let Him be.

He put in motion things in my life to allow me to be where I was tonight. He is that in charge. We talked about that tonight too and Ardeth shared a great quote by Neal A. Maxwell that eloquently taught how the Star of Bethelem was put into its precise orbit long before it shone on the night of the Saviors birth.

The Lord has things in motion for each of us...that have already been put in motion long ago so that people and experiences could be ours at the precise moments we need them. I can not, or rather I should not, try to change what He has set in motion. Instead, I should work to notice what He has prepared and then take advantage of every bit of it for my personal growth & development.

I came home tonight with my mind and heart flooded with impressions of where I'm at right now in my life...what I need to be doing...what the Lord wants for me...what He's willing to give me if I but ask...Intrigued still by that quote, I went on a search and found this great BYU fireside by Elder Maxwell (and according to the 1991 date, I would have heard it live).

Listen to this (emphasis added): "Given the tremendous importance of these [Christlike attributes we all need to develop] virtues now and in the world to come, should we be surprised if, to hasten the process, the Lord gives us, individually, the relevant and necessary clinical experiences? We do not usually seek these, however. Yet they seem to come, don't they, even when we do not remember having signed up for a particular course? Sometimes we find ourselves enrolled again in the same course. Apparently we were only auditing before; perhaps this time it can be for credit!

Emerson pleaded, "Give me truths: for I am weary of the surfaces". While amid so much that is inane, and while surrounded by so many little and superficial things, it is only in the bright light of the restored gospel that we can see the truth as to who we really are and what our possibilities are! As Jacob wrote, we not only see things as they really are, but as they really will be (see Jacob 4:13). [Incidentally, this is one of my favorite scriptures that I quote most often.]

The Lord loves each of us too much to merely let us go on being what we now are, for he knows what we have the possibility to become! "

WOW.
Read that again.

So, what does all this mean?
I'm taking some time to pay attention to these stirrings inside. I am a believer that there are turning points, or corners (thus, the name of this blog), in our lives. When we approach them, we can choose to stand still, walk the other way, or go around them.
I can tell I'm approaching one.
And I need to go around it.
I WANT to go around it.

So, I hope you'll forgive me if I stay away from posting for a little while (though, you know me, it likely won't last long). But, I have a feeling this is a class that, in addition to not signing up for, needs to be between me and Him for now.

While I'm gone, think about a few things in your own life:
1.) What "stars" (people, experiences, etc.) were put in orbit long before now so that they would be in your life right now? Don't discount what the Lord has put in motion for you. And then ask yourself "Why".
2.) Does the Lord also love YOU enough to not "merely let you go on being what you are now"? Of course He does. So, since that is true, what does He want for YOU right now? Who is He ready to help you be?

It's time to turn a corner...
And there are a lot of great things waiting around corners.
I'm sure of that.

Jesus at the finish line...& other lessons from the 5K

I did it.
I haven't done one in over 2 years and I did one today.

And I beat my time.
Barely.
But, I beat it.

This morning I ran a 5K with my friend DeAnn, who amazes me for a hundred different reasons. Chrislyn was also there with her friend Rachel, but I can't say I ran with Chrislyn...I can say I saw her at the starting line (behind me) and finish line (waiting for me)...but that's about it.

And, really, I can't even say I ran with DeAnn.

It's really rather ironic because we've spent the last couple of weeks telling each other that we would try to stay together but both telling the other that we didn't want to hold each other back. She thought I'd be faster than her and honestly, so did I.

But, I had some lessons to learn today.
And DeAnn left me at mile 1.
The girl never stopped.
AMAZING.

I started thinking, "okay, Laurel, just keep her in sight. You don't have to run her pace but keep running and just keep her in sight."

That didn't last long.
I got a weird pull in my right ankle but kept going.
DeAnn, however, was no longer my marker for the run...
that had now turned into a really really slow jog.

Ahead, I see a pregnant woman in a red shirt...yes, a PREGNANT woman.
Just keep up with her, Laurel. You can SURELY keep up with the pregnant, albeit ridiculously in shape, woman.
God bless the woman in the red shirt who stopped for a bathroom break at the 1.5 mark. She never caught up with me again.

But, my marker was gone.

I'm in luck. Old woman ahead.
Okay, maybe just a woman in her 60's but still.
I'm 36. SURELY I can keep up with the old woman.
I passed her.
Victory (pathetic, I know. But, I tried not to bump her walker as I passed).

Need new marker.
Trash can and a fast Daughtry song.
I see DeAnn on a switchback a little ways away. She has NOT STOPPED.
I'm tempted to get discouraged but DeAnn is not my marker unless she trips and falls. That trash can ahead isn't going anywhere and I can make it to that.

And I did.

I see that I'm passing a married couple. She's bigger. He's in shape. He's holding her hand. They have "CanyonLands Half Marathon" shirts on. Really? I ask myself? WOW. She ran a half marathon?

Okay, Laurel, married couple canNOT beat you.

I book it and pass them.
Mile 2 mark.
But, I booked it too hard. And in about 3 minutes they pass me.
They become my new marker.

Another fast Daughtry song and as I pass I tell them, "you guys are my marker. I'll need you to pass me again in a few so I can pass you again."
They smile.

And darn if they didn't pass a little later.
He's still holding her hand.
How SWEET is that?
There is no question he could have gone MUCH faster. The guy was IN SHAPE. But, he stays with her and holds her hand. "Well, sure", I say to myself, "If I had some great guy holding my hand, I could do this faster too."

I pass a family. They have stopped to get a family picture.
Yes, they had time to STOP for a family picture.
Father starts running again holding the 2 year old.
Mother is pushing the stroller with the twins.
I'm not kidding.
I hate it when people pushing strollers can run faster than me.
I start getting the chills, which was odd because it was getting warm.

They pass me.
But, I pass them.
I have to.
The married couple is just a bit ahead.
We're going up a hill.
I can't do it.
I can't pass them.
And then the thought comes, "you don't have to. You just have to finish. You just have to finish and not stop."

And so I keep going.

Earlier (like at mile 1, right after I lost DeAnn), I saw a dad with his little chubby little 10 year old son. The kid was NOT happy and the dad was trying to get him to go faster. As I approached, I took out my earphones and said, "hey, look at you. Look at me. You can SO run faster than me." He wanted to cry. I took off so that he would have a marker. I tried to be his.

I see them behind me now. And I can totally relate. I kind of want to cry too. But, I don't.
I just have to finish.
(And seriously, I SO have to beat the chubby 10-yr old...I'm horrible, I know.)

And as I'm going up the last hill at the 3 mile marker, here is what I realize:

1.) I was kind of the unprepared virgin (there are so many things I COULD say about that descriptive but I'm going to pass). I was. I haven't run outside in FOREVER. The treadmilll isn't like running outside. A treadmill pushes you. A sidewalk does not. I was not prepared and I was paying for it.

2.) DeAnn was the prepared virgin. She's been running outside. And as much as she loves me, her preparation could not help me.

3.) But, though I could have been more prepared, I was there. I was moving forward. I was doing SOMETHING. That's better than not moving forward. Moving forward, even not as prepared as you wish you were, is better than standing still.

4.) I can't see the finish line but I totally trust it's still there. AND it's still going to be there whenever I get there. It's not moving. It's there. It won't get farther away. And I'll get there eventually.

5.) This is MY race. I'm not trying to be DeAnn. I'm not trying to be that blasted first runner that took off and then did his "cool down" run coming back down the track. He passed me, coming towards me after finishing already mind you, at about 2.5. I wanted to shoot him. I still kind of do. But, I wasn't in a competition with him. This was just about me. And it doesn't matter how long it takes. It just matters that I don't give up...that I finish.

And then I had the most sweet thought that wasn't deep or profound, but just was so sweet to me.

"Jesus is at the finish line, whether you are first or last."

"What?" I kind of giggle to myself.

"He is. He's there regardless of when you get there.
You just have to get there."
And I know the "footprints in the sand" poem would imply that he was actually right there beside me as I made my way to the finish line.
But, I can attest, there was no carrying here.
There was one set of footprints and they were mine.

BUT, He was at the finish line.
He IS at the finish line.
And it doesn't matter where I am, compared to everyone else.
What matters is where I am compared to where I'm supposed to be.

And I'm right where I'm supposed to be...getting closer to where I will be.
And sure, He's helping me...no doubt about that.
But, this is MY race to run.
MY pace.
MY path.
MY journey.

And there are lots of great things waiting at that finish line.
LYFSGUD.

(P.S. The chills were from dehydration. Run w/ water ALWAYS. And the couple I "5K stalked"? I talked to them afterwards. She hadn't run a half marathon. They just got the cool shirts for doing a 5K earlier in Moab. But, here me now, believe me later. I'm earning that shirt. I am.)

My godmother blessing

I don't have a Godmother.
But, I am one.

I think I fall under the "non-religious" definition...just so you know. I think they really just wanted someone to start a college fund for Lilly.

Lilly (check out this picture of her taking after her mom's love of Girl Scout cookies) is the first child to be born to Tam, one of my very bestest friends in the whole wide world. I was there when Lilly was born. I was THERE. I saw it. I cried. It was amazing. And I have a connection to this little chiquita because she was born last May. And the actual day of her birth was one of the hardest days of my life, personally. It was like God took one thing away and gave me another. He gave me Lilly.

Lilly is one of my sweetest little blessings.

And tonight I'm playing godmother.
Tam & Jim have taken Kirsten to get an MRI.
And I am here to be with Lilly.
Because that's what godmothers do (that Tam was SMART!)

Tam (on the right) & Jim (on the left...and the thing I love most about him is that he won't at all care I posted this picture) got married almost 2 years ago. Tam and I have known each other since high school. Our stories are too good to "readers digest version" them in this paragraph. Suffice it to say, we've had stories.



But, no story better than Tam marrying Jim, who I love SO much. And watching Tam take on the role of "mom" to his two daughters, after his first wife passed away? THAT has been amazing to watch. Even more amazing to witness, is Tam's "mother heart" for these two girls. Read her most recent post to fully appreciate what I mean.

Jim coming into Tam's life, and therefore mine, is another of my sweetest blessings.

And someday I'll tell the story of the unbelievable faith of Jim Hall, who lost his wife, his dad and his job, all in the same year. The guy is rock-solid good and is so dang great. He and Tam make an amazing pair.

And thanks to Jim loving Tam and Tam loving me, I get to love Lilly.
I get to be a godmother.
What a blessing!

The Lord always answers overnight...

I was in church a few months ago and a woman stood and said, "Sometimes the Lord doesn't answer prayers overnight. We had to wait two months for our answer."

Her sentiments were very sweet.
But, it was all I could do to not stand up and say, "are you kidding me?"

Don't get me wrong. I totally get that we all have different life journeys. But, I was kind of flabbergasted that her definition of "not overnight" was TWO MONTHS. For the record, that is totally my definition of "in an hour".
(Granted I say that now, but when I'm waiting for two months, I'm impatient as all get out, but still...)

I really get the "sometimes the Lord doesn't answer prayers overnight" thing.
I really really get it.

I've been waiting nearly a year, for example, for this one.

I had a friend come to me this afternoon. He thought he was getting a sounding board to help him make a really big and really hard life decision. He needed a little help to see the answer the Lord was trying to tell him. Little did he know he was the means for the answer the Lord was trying to tell me.

Have you had the experience of just knowing something is right?
And I'm not talking a right answer to a simple question of some kind.
I'm talking knowing to your core that something is right for you.

And you work hard to confirm the rightness of it.
And the experience of having confirmed that you are in the right place at the right time and it is...right...that experience is spiritual in nature.

So, what happens when it turns out you were wrong about the right thing?

I don't think there is anything that will shake your faith faster than finding out you were wrong. It makes you question everything.
Everything.

And though I've emotionally let go of the thing.
I haven't let go of the fact that though I thought it was right, I was wrong.
THAT is what's hard to let go of.

Do you know what I mean?
It could be a job...a baby...a marriage...or the hope of one.
It could be a relationship of any kind...a healing...an opportunity.
You just know that what's happening is really going to happen.
You finally have it in you to find out if it's right.
You find out that it's right.
You KNOW that it's right.
But, it turns out you were wrong.

I have prayed and prayed, asking how I could have been SO wrong.
And the answer just hasn't really come.
Not overnight.
Not in 2 months.

But, then today.
I was talking to this dearest of friends.
He's struggling with making a decision opposite of a decision that once felt right.
How can it be wrong now?
Was it wrong all along and he just misread the "rightness" of it before?

And I hear myself say,
"Just because it's wrong now, doesn't mean that it wasn't right then."

I went on to say that it was right.
It was what he needed.
It's just not what he needs now.
But, that doesn't take away from the rightness then.
He didn't make a mistake.
He needed it to be "right" so he could have the experience and learn what he needed to learn.
The Lord just has different plans for him now.

I heard myself saying it to him.
And I heard myself saying it to me.

I heard myself say it, and I knew I was right.
I've been needing to hear myself say that for a year.

I was right.
It was right.
Then.

Interesting enough I wasn't ready to hear myself say it before today. I really believe that. I got the answer...the understanding...right when I needed it...or rather, right when I was ready for it.

It was just the "overnight" I needed.

And, you know?
The Lord always answers overnight...eventually.

Important warning (mostly for you, Dad)

I have turned off the "approval" mode for comments.
I don't know why I had it set to begin with.
It is a little annoying, don't you think?
Like what you have to say isn't worthy of being posted until I approve it?
Who do I think I am?!?

I just don't much like that feature anymore.

For most of you, this will not change anything (though for a few of you, just be careful in what you say...you know who you are).

BUT, for my dad...

DAD: this means that you will want to reread things that you say before you hit "publish your comment" (the orange button on the bottom left). You'll want to maybe ask yourself the following questions:
1.) did I spell everything correctly?
2.) does what I wrote need to be explained in order for the world at large to find it humorous?
3.) have I said anything that will alienate another one of my children?
4.) am I sure I really want people to know I think this?
5.) am I about to embarrass the family?

Consider yourself warned, sweet papa.
Consider yourself warned.

Reach for it, Laurel!

That will forever be the phrase I hear my grandpa say after today.

REACH FOR IT.

He was trying to give me a helpful hint about hitting the golf ball, instead of the air (I did A LOT of that today), but as I was driving home after one of the most memorable days of my life, I kept hearing him say "reach for it" over and over in my mind and it had its own meaning.

But, first...

Okay, so Melissa & Alee (2 of my cousins) and I have been talking about going golfing with Grandpa for more than 2 years. Today, May 12, was finally the day. Nevermind the fact that it was 40 degrees and overcast and started to hail on hole 8 (we were only doing 9 holes, though), we were all determined to do it...especially Grandpa, who outlasted all of us.

I learned I am no golfer. Clearly the love of the game Grandpa has (and my dad pretends to have) did not get passed down into my DNA. As pathetic a miniature golfer as I am, I'm even worse at the regular version (though I did learn to appreciate a good wood iron!)

But, what a day. I would do it again, just to feel what I felt today. (Thanks to my 2 wonderful cousins for making it so great too!)
To help you appreciate the experience just a bit, here are some things you would have heard Grandpa say, had you been on the course with us today (and these are all direct quotes!):
- There are only 2 rules of golf: Keep your eye on the ball and keep your damn eye on the ball! (I still have to laugh that he said that. He claims he was quoting a pro golfer...)
- Reach for it! (more later)
- I haven't golfed in less than 55 degrees in 50 years
- Ten is the max (said only to me once I reached 10 attempts on one of the holes. I seriously stink at this game!)
- Look out for the stream! (said to Melissa or Alee, but said by all of us to Grandpa when he almost drove INTO the stream)
- I'm 96 and a half! (funny that you say that when you are a kid...I guess the "half" becomes equally important in your 90's too!)
- If you're going to flub, flub it straight
- Walk my speed, girls. Don't leave me behind.

I have not laughed that hard or enjoyed myself that much...on a "work day", no less...for a long time. At the end of the nine holes, we were all cold and a little tuckered. I made the mistake of admitting this out loud. Grandpa replied, "well, of course you're tired. You took a lot of swings! You definitely got your monies worth!" My Grandpa thinks he's so funny.
So, back to "reach for it"...
I needed today for lots of reasons.
I needed the connection with my cousins.
(though I didn't need the yummy lunch at Doughboyzz but it's our new favorite place.)
I needed the once-in-a-lifetime memory with my Grandpa.
And I needed the "fresh start" of a Monday and the gentle invitation to do a little better...to work a little harder...even when something seems a bit out of reach.

Of all the things, Grandpa could have said over and over again, that's the thing I needed to hear the most.
I'm going to reach for it.
I am.

Happy Mother's Day, Larrie!

That's not a typo.
My mother has a father's name.

LARRIE.

When I was little, any time I heard a man named "Larry", I giggled. Why did a MAN have a GIRL'S name? To this day, I think any guy named "Larry" is a little feminine...not that there's anything wrong with that.

My mother is an incredible teacher of the Gospel. She taught me to pray. She taught me to trust. She continues to teach me to believe. She loves me and teaches me how to love. I've watched her stay up at night for a child. I've watched her cry for a child (I've been one of those). I've heard her pray for a child, me included. My mother is deeply committed to her marriage covenant and no less committed to her mother covenant. I love her for that.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks for being the kind of mom to me that you knew a girl would want. Thanks for showing me the kind of Mom I want to someday be.
I LOVE YOU, MOM!

Today is Mother's Day (or as I like to call it, "Are-we-not-all-mothers" day). This day has different implications for all women. And just in this group of readers, we have:
-women with children at home
-women who wish they still had children at home
-women who are alone today
-women who wish they were alone today (grin)
-women who have a mother they are connected to and have a great relationship with
-women who are trying to be the kind of mother they did not have
-women who are trying to start a family
-women who wish they could start a family...or wish they had it in them to keep trying
-women who are raising children
-women who have buried a child
-women who have given birth to a child with their own DNA
-women who have given life to a child with someone else's
-women who are nurturing a child who has only known them as "mom"
-women who are nurturing children who used "mom" with someone else first.

I LOVE the examples of mothers I have all around me.

So, today we get to celebrate mothers. And since all women are mothers in the most-true sense of the word, we celebrate women...all of Heavenly Father's girls.

And I, for one, am grateful to be one of His girls.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to Larrie and all the other women I love!

Okay, now THAT was fun

(NOTE AS OF 5/12: Server problem at KSL. They replayed the show from 5/4 on 5/11. I think the "fact Gods" were just trying to save me from myself. I'm sure I said things that someone could totally prove wrong on a simple "fact check" on google or something. At any rate, the show didn't play and we're not sure when it will. Sorry for the hassle. That will be the last time I tell people to "listen in".)

So, I was asked to fill in kind of last minute for a little radio show being taped this morning. It's called "A Woman's View" and runs at 10:00 a.m. (MST) on Sundays, after the Mormon Taberacle Choir Music & the Spoken Word.

When you do something called Time Out for Women for a living, people think you might know something about women...

Amanda Dickson is the host. Enid Greene (you native Utahans will remember her from the 90's scandal...I never really knew much then but she is VERY cool. I really liked her.)was also a guest. It was so great because I wasn't there to pitch product for Deseret Book (which is what I've always done whenever I've been on the radio...and those are the ones I never want people to listen to). I was just there to share my POV on things. We talked a little about Time Out for Women, but mostly just talked...got into some politics, oil prices, the new (and disturbing) video game "Grand Theft Auto"...I even got to do a little "shout out" to my mom for Mother's Day.

I seriously loved it.
Give this girl a mic and a chance to talk about current events and I am good to go. I'm quite certain I occasionally said things I don't really know anything about (thank you, dad...learned that from you...) but I couldn't help myself!

So, if you want to hear, check it out. You can go to the website and listen live (or if you live in UT, turn on your radio) this Sunday morning. Might be mildly entertaining.

Thank goodness God doesn't work for the cable company

I know...I know...
I had plenty of fair warning.

I just can't get everthing done. That's no secret, right? And I often joke with some of my friends that I just really need a wife.

Now, before all of you wives take offense to that, hear me out.

There is a reason why it's helpful for there to be one part of the partnership home taking care of home things while the other part of the partnership is working to bring home money. One of the reasons is that it's hard to do both.

And I know I'm just me.
And it should be easy to take care of just me.

But, the truth is, I need to:
-change the lightbulb for my front porch. I've been needing to for 3 months.
-make an appointment to see the dentist. I've been needing to for (gulp) a year.
-put my Christmas tree away that's on the floor in my basement (and you should know I didn't even put one up this past year...yeah, it's been on the floor THAT long).
-pay the bills that have been piling up.

I've noticed yellow letters (with red type) from the cable company. I think I even remember one of them saying "PAST DUE". The most recent letter (probably the 2nd letter to say this) said, "don't let your service be interrupted".

I should have listened.

I came home tonight after class to catch up on the Jazz game.
I turned on the tv.
The light is on. It's working.
I can see the blue box along the bottom that shows me the channel, the time, and the show that is SUPPOSED to be on the screen.

But there is no picture.
There is no sound.

Apparently, they weren't kidding about the "past due" and the "service interrupted" warnings.

And so, here I sit.
I didn't heed the warnings.
I didn't take care of it in time.
And now I've got nothing.
The world could be ending. Obama could officially be named the nominee for the Democrat party (wait, aren't those two the same thing?).
And I wouldn't know.
I have no television signal.
My connection has been interrupted.

You know, I have to tell you. Sometimes I'm as behind on my communication and "payments", as it were, with God. I mean, I say my prayers and do what I should do for the most part, but I could do better.

And every now and then, I'll get a little nudge from the Spirit to "step it up" or to pay better attention to my spiritual connection. And sometimes, to be honest, I delay responding. I don't mean to, but I get busy, I get caught up in all the other things I have going on, and I just don't act quickly enough.

The amazing thing to me is that there is never an interruption in the service on His end, though. Even though I gave a half-hearted prayer this morning on my way out the door (the kind where you kneel on one knee with the door open and you're holding your keys in one hand and your bag in the other), tonight when I go upstairs and kneel to pray, He will be waiting. The connection will be completely ready for me.

And I'll tell Him all about my really really great day.
And if I listen, He'll say, "I told you so."
And I'll thank Him for how kind He's being to me.
And if I'm quiet, I'll hear Him reply, "That's what I do."
And I'll tell Him some of the things that are on my mind.
And if I kneel long enough, He'll whisper, "I'm already working on that."
And I'll tell Him how very much I love Him...with all of my heart and soul.
And if I'm still, I'll feel Him tell me, "I love you very much too."

There is never any interruption on His part when it comes to a connection with me.
He doesn't wave the "past due" notices in my face.
He isn't reminding me how much I owe.

He just loves me.
Thank goodness...

Okay, THIS is funny

So, something hard happened at work this morning.
Nothing I won't recover from, but hard nonetheless.

And so I was telling my friend (and NYTimes Best-selling author...he requires I mention that when saying his name), Jason, that I was putting in my application to Wal-Mart to be a greeter (don't you think I'd be a great greeter?!?). It's always been my back-up plan.

Jason sent me this: I love my friends.

I guess my secret is out

A friend was inspired to call REALLY early this morning. She thought she was being obnoxious by calling me so early, but really, God knew I needed her to call.

I was just feeling a bit out of sorts...I don't know...wondering about some things in my life (interesting how sometimes when things seems so good, the Adversary likes to make you question those very good things).

I cried to her a bit but got myself dressed and ready for Church. Still feeling a tich out of sorts and knowing I needed to get my bucket filled.

I walked in for Sacrament meeting and one of my favorite people (my newest "blog stalker") came and sat down next to me. God knew I needed her to sit down by me. And she proceded to say some kind things I needed to hear. What she didn't know is that I was a bit emotional, so when she started to cry, I wanted to cry with her.

Turns out we were both feeling out of sorts a bit...for different reasons, but out of sorts just the same.

This woman amazes me. She's the anchor in her family...and doesn't have the typical "ideal life" (do any of us?). And sometimes when you don't fit the "ideal", you can feel a little more out of sorts at Church if all the stars unfortunately align. Today was one of those days.

FROM THE PULPIT:
It started with a woman who said, and I quote, "Things in my life are so good that I have to think God must really really love me." (Note to self: don't ever say that in a public setting when you don't know all the things people are dealing with.) That was the little "sting" for my friend.

And then came mine. One woman, bless her heart, started talking about Mother's Day coming up (which, just so you all know, I am TOTALLY fine with. I like Mother's Day. I'm not someone who doesn't want to go to Church on Mother's Day. I don't feel patronized when they want to give the plant...that is going to die...to all females over the age of 18. I love it when they are smart enough to choose chocolate, but I don't mind the plant. I'm a believer in the "are we not all mothers" doctrine and so I really actually love the day to pay tribute to good women.) which got her thinking about all the incredible women who have not yet had the chance to bear children.

My stomach dropped a little.

"Please don't say it. please don't say it", I whispered to myself.
I don't even know why I knew it was coming, but I just knew it was coming.

She continued, "You know, women like Laurel...."

"No. No. No. she did not just say that," I whispered, accidentally, out loud.
I felt physically ill.

Why was that such a big deal for me?
Is it some big secret?
I'm single.
And I don't have children.
Everyone knows that.
It's not like she revealed some big sin. She didn't call me out for saying "damnthedevil" at times (see "things I say" in the next post...NOW that secret is out!).
It's not like she told everyone I was a bed-wetter until the age of 12.
And I knew she was saying it out of kindness. She thought she was complimenting me.

But, I don't wear my current life phase as a badge of honor.
I don't.
And I don't need to be "called out" as the single girl who doesn't have children. Even though I know everyone knows it. I felt "called out". And I was so desperately uncomfortable. I have too much pride (yes, I know that's bad) to handle thinking anyone feels sorry for me. I don't handle that well.

The reality is that I am happy and I LOVE what I get to do.
I am in the best place I've been in.
I have amazing people in my life.
I feel truly blessed in so many ways.
God has been SO good to me.

But, I would give it up yesterday for the right opportunity to have the privilege of living the law of marriage and having a family.
And that is the truth.
I'm not going to pretend like I don't want it...
...so much that sometimes it physically hurts.

But, I don't think that makes me pathetic.
I think it makes me a woman.
I guess my secret it out.

(And not that I have to say this to you people, but patronizing comments not allowed. xoxo)

A good dinner party & a good tag

I'm a sucker for both.

Last night I was forced to play Nertz (sp?) at a truly divine little dinner party. Sure, I did the cooking (Kentucky Chili & Derby Pie...does it get any better than that?) but the divine part was being with people I know & love...people I'm totally comfortable with. That's a combination that's good for the soul.

Then the game of Nertz (I still don't know how to spell that) came. I feigned not liking the game. Truth is, I don't like showing to the world that sometimes I can be a bratty 7-yr old girl when I play games that are hard for my brain. This isn't a strategic game. It's more like a coordination/fast reaction game and truth is, I'm not overly coordinated (and not so much a fast reactor...OVERreactor, yes, fast reactor, no.). The only saving grace was that once we finally started keeping score, I totally won...and Bart was worse than me (thanks, Bart).

Bart & Lisa are truly good-to-the-core people. I want to be them when I grow up (yes, I realize I'm older...but marriage and kids always seem to make people "more grown up").

So, that was a good dinner party.

And this is a good tag from Lisa (and yes, I realize I'm behind on a few other tags...)

8 things I am passionate about:
-My family
-My testimony of the Gospel
-Politics
-Music (specifically a genius lyric)
-Connecting with teenage girls
-Doing hard things...(blind dates count)
-Trying my darndest to get healthy
-My job (and I feel REALLY blessed I can say that)

8 past books I have read: (or in other words, "an ad for some Deseret Book product")
-The Scriptures
-The Holy Secret
-Recovering Charles (the upcoming book by Jason Wright, his best yet!)
-The Great & Terrible series (brilliant! and I don't even love fiction)
-My Grandfather's Son (autobiography of Clarence Thomas)
-Wait! I Want to Tell You a Story! (children's book that is funniest when David's kids read it to me on the phone)
-God Wants a Powerful People (and it's on sale right now for a ridiculously low price!)
-My journal (and man, it's quite a read!)

8 things I often say:
-"the reality is"
-"SHUT UP!" (I know it's not the best thing to say, I'm trying to break it. I only occasionally say it at inappropriate times.)
-"Oh, Laurel. I can't take you anywhere." (I say it whenever I've messed up.)
-"Oh, Okay."
-something I don't want to admit but all who really know me, know I say it. let's just say it has something to do with stopping the progression of the devil...and really, aren't I just stating a fact when I say that?
-"Enough about me. Let's talk about what you think about me."
-"Amazing" (it's starting to get on my own nerves though, so I'm working on it.)
-"This is Laurel." (since I seem to always be answering a phone, this is in the top 8.)

8 things I look for in a friend:
-honesty
-being consistent (even when I'm not)
-open & like to talk about life & gospel
-help me want to be better than I am
-like to (or at least willing to) discuss politics/current events (and maybe let me influence their vote)
-a shoulder to cry on
-think I'm funny (I know that reveals all sorts of egocentric things about myself)
-gets as excited about a great "chick flick" as I do (and will walk out on a not-so-great one with me when need be)


8 things I want to do before I die:
-run a marathon
-skydive
-get a Mother's Day card (is that sweet to admit that or is it sad? I can't tell...)
-host a radio talk show
-do a voice for an animated film
-visit Prince Edward Island
-take that touristy Sound of Music tour in Austria (is it in Austria?)
-be in a musical (I've given up being able to be "Annie", but I'll find something else)

8 things I have learned this past year:
-blogging is addictive
-I can run farther than I thought
-real change is possible
-it's easier to be motivated to do something hard than something easy (I can't take credit for that. It belongs to SLD.)
-I don't like to be teased as much as I used to
-if you have a heart, it can be broken
-I'm not as strong as I like to pretend I am
-God ALWAYS...ALWAYS...gives me what I need.

-8 people I want to do the 8 things:
Karen & David
Fast & Queenie (both of you)
Tammy
Chrislyn (which would require you go public with your blog!)
Diane (can I call you that?)
Bri
Jill
"Elaine" & "tall dad" (email it to me...OR be cool & start a blog!) and sister Holly
...I know that's more than 8. Basically, if you're reading this and you have a blog, consider yourself tagged!

I'd rather you hear this from me than Deseret Book.

I try not to mix personal & business.
But this is the epitome of mixing the two.

My product director at Deseret Book (the one that started it all with a little talk CD 18 months ago) has had a little idea in his mind for a while.

He wanted to create a site for young women to go and get to know me.
I was certain that wasn't the winner idea he thought it was.

But, after a lot of conversations with him and even more conversations with the Lord in prayer, I came to the uncomfortable conclusion that there IS a need for a place for girls to go...not to get to know ME...but to have a safe place to land and see the gospel in action in daily life. And, more importantly, a place where one person didn't have all the answers but could show the girls how to find the answers...where to go...who to REALLY listen to. I felt strongly that someone needed to help make the YW General Presidency and other Church leaders, and the scriptures relevant. Someone who could simply point to the real sources for direction and answers.

The unfortunate uncomfortable part of that conclusion is that I was a part of it.

But, it's officially out there as of yesterday and I figure I'd rather you hear it from me than see it in an email or find out about it somewhere else.

There are a hundred reasons why this makes me want to throw up. But, I can't run away from something I feel I should be doing. And I can't care about the perception of it or the judgements that might come. I need to step up. And so I have.

I want my heart to stay right. And I just want it to do some good.

Check it out and if you think it would be helpful to any teenage girls you might know, I'd love to have them join in on the conversation.

GoAskLaurel.com
(And try to avoid the temptation to pretend you are a teenage girl!...grin...)

I wanted you to hear it from me...