Ready to learn (day 11)

I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
-Winston Churchill

Do you ever feel like you've been enrolled in a life crash course?
Like God has something to teach you and He's going to teach you one way or another?

Do you ever feel like you can't possibly take it all in fast enough?
Like there are so many "ah-ha" moments coming at you that you can't keep track?

Do you ever feel like who you were just 72 hours ago is different than who you are today?
Like somehow the heart and mind you used to have are a world away and you can't ever be the same again?

Do you ever feel like you're being shown what you didn't know was even there to see?
Like someone has put a magnifying glass up to all the parts of your life you previously thought you knew?

I'm learning to love the process of what I'm discovering right now.
And I'm oh so grateful for for He who is willing to teach me.

Dear God: I'm ready to learn.

No more running alone (day 12)

I went for a walk early this morning.
In the rain that turned to sleet.
On a golf course that forbids joggers.
So I walked.
(the signage really should be more literal.)

I needed to talk and say things out loud.
I needed to feel heard.
I needed to not be judged.
I needed to be listened to.
I needed to cry.
I needed someone to cry with me.
I needed to not be alone.
And I'm so grateful I wasn't.

I've spent a fair amount of my life alone. I've ahared that here and talked about the unique relationship I've created with God in large part because of my life circumstance.

And I wouldn't trade that relationship for anything.
I really really wouldn't.

But, because of that, sometimes I have a tendency to think it really is just me and Him against the world. And because of THAT, sometimes I feel more comfortable in that space. As open as I might appear to be to some who read here, there is much in my heart I rarely share...with anyone but Him.

But, I'm trying so hard to change that.
To open my little heart.
Because I don't want that to be the story of my life.
Not anymore.

This little current journey is teaching me all about that.

There has been a whole lot of this that felt like it needed to be shared. And so consequently I have talked about a lot of things. I told you about my commitment to run the half. I knew I needed the peer pressure. I at one time wanted the whole world at that finish line, my parents were going to fly out, I envisioned the whole grand production complete with marching band and balloons.

People started asking me who was going to run with me on June 11th. And while I have several friends that have registered, I had decided to go it alone. It felt like a reflection of how personal this journey has turned out to be. Then I uninvited my parents (who needs the pressure of that?) and kind of stopped encouraging people showing up.

I thought of all the thing I've done alone in my life and I wanted this to be one more sacred memory just for me.

But then last Saturday happened.
And I realized that so much of this journey has been because of and with the support of some truly incredible people (and angels in my life. Really. Angels.).
Erin is just one of those angels.
I knew after last Saturday that I couldn't even dream of doing the half without her.
She has been in the gym with me.
She's watched me push through places I never thought I could.
She knows how to encourage without being annoying.
She knows when I really am maxed out.
She is the exact right person to run with me.

She had offered like others had and I had said, "no."
But then, last Saturday, through my tears I said, "I can't do this without you."

And so she's doing it just because that's what I need.
And I need it because I know...
She knows when to run ahead so I run faster.
She knows when to run behind so I can feel like I'm flying.
She knows when to talk to me.
She knows when to stay quiet.
I want her right there by my side.
I don't want to run it alone.
Not anymore.

Someone told me yesterday that God and I make a really good team. And we do.
He and I have figured out how to do this life of mine.
He knows how to talk to me so that I can hear.
I know how to listen to Him so I can learn.
He knows when I need to feel His love.
And I know what His love feels like.
He knows what I need. Period.

But He also knows, as do I, that life wasn't made to just be He and I.

He wants to give me someone who knows when to run ahead so I run faster.
Who knows when to run behind so I can feel like I'm flying.
Who knows when to talk to me.
Who knows when to stay quiet.
Someone who wants to be right there by my side.
Because I don't really want to run it alone anymore.
And I see, more clearly than I ever have before, HE doesn't want me to run this life alone either.
Nope. He really really doesn't.

Words in my heart (day 13)

One of the hardest things in life
is having words in your heart
that you can't utter.
-James Earl Jones

"If you can do 9 miles..." (day 14)

"Everything you are learning now
is preparing you for something else."
-Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I went farther and longer today than I ever have.

It was the "long run"...and the longest I'll be able to go before the big day.
Everyone has told me "if you can do 9 miles, you can do 13.1."
Doesn't that seem silly?
How on earth can someone do 4.1 more miles just because they can do 9?

Several people told me this week, especially after hearing about my experience last Saturday, that mile 1 really is the hardest (I also heard the first hour of child birth is the hardest. I can only assume that is true) and that if you push through it, it gets easier.

I had to think about that all during mile 1 but it wasn't nearly as hard because I had already worked through the difficulty of last week.

But, it got really hard again at mile 6...because that was new territory for me.
I didn't know I could do it because I never had.

And that's when it clicked: Isn't that life?

Once we've done something, even if it's scary, our whole view changes.
Once we know we can overcome heartache,
Once we know we can bounce back from disappointment,
Once we know we can work through an obstacle,
Once we know we've had a victory,
Once we know we've had a triumph,
We know we can do it the next time around.

I was reminded today during the last few laps (when my legs felt completely detached from my body and my heart felt like it just might burst) that every step I am taking, every single one, is preparing me for the next.

Because it's confirming to me that I CAN.

I truly believe no moment...no experience...is for naught.
I am constantly being given opportunities to learn
EXACTLY what I need to learn
to help me learn all that I need
to learn even more.
And every single time I push through the point at which I can't push through any longer, it is just preparing me to push through again and again and again.
Then succeed again and again.
And thus learning again and again...that I can.

You just simply don't know if you can't do something until you've found out if you can. Every single step proves you wrong one way or the other.

And that's why I believe it's true that "If you can do 9 miles, you can do 13.1."
I sure hope the same is true for 8.5.

As far as the eye can see (day 15)

In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil,
and you must never forget that.
When disappointment and discouragement strike
--and they will--
you remember and never forget
that if our eyes could be opened we would see
horses and chariots of fire
as far as the eye can see
riding at reckless speed
to come to our protection
(see 2 Kgs. 6:16-17).
They will always be there,
these armies of heaven,
in defense of Abraham's seed.
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Tonight I watched someone I love do what was likely the hardest thing she will ever have to do. Ever.
And I stood there watching, witnessing.
With a heart that felt powerless to help.

But, I knew of the armies of heaven.
Ready to defend.
Ready to protect.
Riding at reckless speed.

Even when we think we are alone.
We. are. not.

In the heartache.

In the journey.

In the silence.

In the waiting.

Help is always there. ALWAYS.
As far as the eye can see.

then I am calm (day 16)

God helps me--
that's what I think,
and then I am calm.
-Carl Bloch

Art critic Sigurd Muller said Carl Bloch
belonged to that small group of people
"to whom nothing human was foreign to him
because nothing was unimportant to him.
The great as well as the small,
the elevated as well as the ridiculous,
towards everything he has an open eye
and an open heart,
he grasps all of it in sympathetic understanding."

I've told God I want to be in that small group of people too.
I want an open eye...and an open heart.

And so He is helping me.

That's what I think.
And then I am calm.

Running Quotes (day 17)

After my 8.0 on the treadmill last night (what? you didn't hear that I went 8.0 ON THE TREADMILL LAST NIGHT?!?), I decided that this running thing is no longer a joke...or a fluke...or a phase. It's legitimate.
I'm legitimate.
I am a runner.

So, naturally, now I'm looking for "running" quotes.
Here are some keepers.

You're welcome.

Pain is nothing
compared to what it feels like to quit.
-Author Unknown

Losers quit when they're tired.
Winners quit when they've won.
-Author Unknown

Runners just do it -
they run for the finish line
even if someone else
has reached it first.
-Author Unknown

Everyone is an athlete.
The only difference is that some of us are in training,
and some are not.
-Dr. George Sheehan

I watched the Indy 500,
and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.
-Steven Wright

(Okay. so the last one is not so much a running quote as much as "I love Steven Wright. Whatever happened to him?" quote)

It's only pain (day 18)

So one of my favorite people in blogland is a woman named Laurel .

We met once many years ago at a Time Out event.
And when I say "met", I mean we talked for like 10 seconds.
She had adorable short hair and she told me we shared the same name.
She was one of those people I wanted to be friends with instantly.

Fast forward to a year or so ago? I don't even remember...but we ran across each other in blogland. I don't recall if I blogstalked her first, but I became a quick fan and she became a quick cheerleader. Whenever a new post of hers shows up in my google reader, I get happy. I love her life and her approach to her life.

Anyway...

She left me a comment on a previous post (so did "Anonymous" again...and really, Anonymous, you're killin me...you'll get your post later...) and when I read it, I kind of wondered if Heavenly Father crossed our paths JUST so I would get to have her comments on my blog.

ANYWAY...what she shared...well, I have NOT been able to get it out of my mind. It was totally inspired and tonight, during treading, it was going through my head again and again.

And I have a feeling on June 11th, it will be my personal mantra:

"It's only pain."

Here is the context:
I thought of you when I read this in From Sea to Shining Sea, a historical novel about the Lewis and Clark expedition. These are the author's imagined words for William Clark as he is in the hardest, most body fatiguing, soul crushing ascent through the Rocky Mountains on foot:

"But then he remembered what George had told him about pain. You know what you can do, even if your body says quit. It's only pain.

"It's only pain, he thought, hearing George's voice and seeing his eagle-face. If anyone would know, George would, he thought. And truly, he thought, it's the most useful one thing a body can know." --James Alexander Thom

I'm becoming intrigued with the notion of "pain" and what it does TO us and FOR us. And a later post will be coming about that.

But, for now...
THANK YOU, my fellow Laurel.
Thanks for the reminder that "it's only pain."

Because, really...
that's all it is.


PS To be honest, there were moments tonight when I started saying "It's only life"...grin. I got to 8.0 on the treadmill. I still can't believe it. And I loved the feeling. AND as Erin reminded me, I didn't die. YAY me.

PSS I love The Biggest Loser so much. How great is this finale??

One year from now... (day 19)

Yesterday at church I found my journal entry dated May 23, 2010.
It was a "One year from now" list.

I've done those from time to time.
But I can't think of many times when they've actually come to fruition.

This list however? Well, some of the things I wrote now seem a little prophetic. That's kind of sweet for me because I really couldn't have imagined how things would play out these last few months.

I didn't know I had this in me.

I felt a bit of emotion with two my "I will" statements:

"One year from now I will be preparing for my first half-marathon."
This is unbelievable to me because I didn't even remember I ever thought about doing that. But, clearly, a part of me did.

"One year from now I will be comfortable in my body."
The truth is, I feel more comfortable with where I'm at right now, today, than I can ever remember. And that is quite a miracle to me. I wouldn't have known a year ago I'd actually be here. That I'd actually feel so different.

I met an insanely talented friend of mine for breakfast this morning. She said I needed a new picture and kindly did a little impromptu photo shoot. Nothing about that is comfortable for me (but she is really really good at what she does). I look at this picture, however, and realize, I'm comfortable.
Not finished.
Not done.
Not stopping.
But comfortable.
I'm a runner now.
And I love that way that feels.

This morning I stood on the scale and giggled.
I had to.
I kind of sometimes can't believe this is happening.
But, it IS happening.
I'm in the zone.
And it feels so good.

And while I still have a road ahead (I'm not quite half-way there yet), when I look at where I AM...yeah, it's pretty incredible to me.

So, tonight I've written a new "One year from now" list.

This is different from my "bucket list".
This isn't a list of things I'll "do" so much as what my life will be.

And now that I've seen how far I've come...well...

There is a part of my spirit that is overflowing with gratitude with this whole journey. So very grateful. Another part of me is so very excited for everything that is waiting up ahead.

I can't wait to see my life one year from now.
I really can't wait.



(Photos courtesy of Island Belle Photography.)

Meant to soar (day 20)

Understanding that heavy things can't fly,
she let go of what was weighing on her heart,
the things she could no more control than carry,
and she gave herself a chance,
a chance to reach into the unassuming blue,
to embrace the possibility of an open sky,
with an open heart.
She gave herself a chance to soar.
-Jodi Hills, An Imperfect Life*




One of the things I told Erin yesterday during my post-lap-1-"I can't do this" was that I felt heavy. Like my body was just holding me back. She said, "That's exactly why you're doing this, so that it can't anymore."

I remembered my post from the 2010 Olympics, "Fat Don't Fly" and I was reminded that the Lord has been planting seeds in my head to do what I'm doing for a very long time.

Right before I left for Fitness Ridge, I was invited to think about a quote from one of my favorite men who ever lived, the Apostle Paul:
"Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us." (Hebrews 12:1)

It was very literal image for a very literal journey.
And that imagery was with me for the next two weeks.
And it was back with me yesterday during lap 2.

Though perhaps not quite so literal.

I could feel myself "laying aside" the weight...
which really are all my old ways of thinking...
the part of me that thought I was trapped...
the part of me that thought I was fated to live the life I was living...
the part of me that was scared to be anything more than who I was.

And that's what created the sprint inside of me.
I felt light and free and unstoppable.
It was less than a minute.
But, I felt like I was flying.

I found myself at the temple yesterday afternoon and I thought about this journey I'm on.

I thought about where I was a 18 months ago. I couldn't have imagined what the Lord was preparing in my life.

I thought about where I was 6 months ago. I couldn't have believed He'd help me come this far.

I thought about my life right now and in the coming months and what could be ahead for me. And as I sat with the spirit, in the most unmistakable way, I was invited to finally "let go of what was weighing on my heart" and to "lay aside that which so easily besets me". And then I felt the invitation for one final thing i haven't really done.

I've been invited to trust Him so many times and I'm getting better and better at it. But, yesterday, I felt the invitation to trust myself too...

And I realized I have to.

Because He will not force any good thing upon me.
He will not force me to fun to that finish line.
He will not force me to let go of my fears.
He will not force me to believe.
I have to want it.

And I have to trust that I am worthy of it...
that I am capable of it...
that I was meant for it.

Meant to run.
Meant to fly.
Meant to soar.

Because I was.


*I found out about this book through this blog (and it's worth adding to your google reader. I adore this good Christian-minded, natural-living girl I've never met.)

(image found here)

Change your world (day 21)

You know that pastor in California that said the world was ending today?
That today was the day of judgment?
Well, he was partially right.
But it wasn't "the" world, it was just "a" world.
And the day of judgment?
Mine.

When I left Fitness Ridge, one of my closest friends there (you get really close to people you work out with and cry with for two weeks) gave me a plaque that sits in the window sill in my kitchen. I see it every day:


This whole journey has been a process of learning to change my thoughts, and this morning was another significant part of the journey.

True confession: I haven't attempted a "long run"...until this morning.

Erin and I met at Liberty Park and I felt so anxious...nervous.
We started and half way into the first lap, I just didn't have it in me. I could tell. And I immediately got discouraged. SO discouraged.

Why on earth was this so hard?

I've done hard things the last 5+ months.
I've pushed myself beyond my physical limits.
Why couldn't I even do a full lap?

Erin was running ahead of me and I just kept telling myself:
"Go to the next sign"
"Go to the next lightpole"
"Go until the end of the next song"

Finally I stopped.
My heartrate was really high.
I felt light headed and like I could just throw up.
I was discouraged that my body wasn't cooperating and I wanted to quit.
If Erin hadn't been there, I am quite certain I would have.

I wanted to at least sit down to rest but I sensed if I did, I wouldn't get back up.
"What are you thinking?" Erin asked.

And I tried to hold back the tears.
"I'm mad that I'm not stronger and more prepared. I want to do this and I don't think my body is ready. I'm just not ready. I don't think I can do this", I said in judgment of myself.

"You've done harder things than this, Laurel. Of course you can do this. This is mental. This isn't physical."

As soon as she said that, I knew it was true.
And I also realized there really was a part of me that STILL didn't think I could really actually do this thing I've committed to. In spite of everything I've learned and everything I've felt and everything I've done.

One of my dear friends who knew I was doing this run this morning called me right before I started and said, "Fill your mind with everything good and positive and you will be amazed at how much easier it is."

Why hadn't I done that from the very first step? I committed to try it and accepted Erin's challenge to run another lap.

"Who are you really, Laurel? The girl who will do this or the girl who will not?"

And this time I thought about yesterday and how good I felt. You would have thought I was already at my goal. I felt pretty and strong and capable.

I thought about 3 weeks from today and how amazing it will be to cross that finish line. I told myself I will...OF COURSE I will. I might not be able or ready to run as much of is as I wanted to but I will do it.

I thought about my life 6 months from now and how it will be to know I did this thing I never thought I could do. How strong I will feel when I finish what I started. How ready I'll be for something more in my life.

And I ran to the place that we said we would run and then I motioned to Erin to go to the next sign. And we did.
And then I signaled for the next one. And we did.
And then something inside me just wanted to run faster.
And I did.

It was incredible.
I would have stopped the lap before and I wouldn't have known what I was capable of doing. And now I knew.
I sat down and cried. Hard.

And then we got up and finished what we started.

The truth of this whole process is that even though I'm doing this thing and even though my life is changing and even though I want it, there are still moments when I can't believe things could really be as I want them to be. And self doubt sets in and I'm oh so tempted to let it overtake me.

But, today I didn't.
And I went further than I wanted to.
I went faster than I thought I could.

We went just shy of 6 miles this morning.
That's the farthest I've gone.
Now, I didn't run all of it. But I ran more than I walked.
And I kept going.
I didn't stop.
Even when I wanted to.
Even when I thought I would.

I changed my thoughts today.
And because of that, a world is changing.
Not ending.
Changing.
And. it's. mine.



And just for fun...I needed to take a picture of my progress yesterday for my trainer in St. George. Here is me:

Yep.
Changing.

My girls (day 22)

(we take a break from my training for a post that is a form of training in another way)

I've heard Ardeth Kapp refer to me as "one of my girls" more times than I can count.
And I know she means it.
I've felt that from her.
I really believe I am.

I am blessed beyond measure to have a mom that was tailor-made for me.
She "gets" me. She loves me. She believes in me.
She is absolutely my mother in the truest sense of that word.

But, I also have other women who have mothered me in really important ways.
And I can't imagine my life without their mothering.
I've sat across the table from some of these "mothers" at critical times in my life.

Last night the tables were turned.

"We HAVE to see you," their voicemail message said.
I knew it was either "marriage" or "mission".
These are two of the most remarkable girls I've ever met.
I got to be their advisor at Church more than three years ago.
It was an important time in my life.
Turns out it was an important time in theirs too.

And last night, whilst over salad and soup at Zuppas,
I got a bit of a pay off.
They've decided to serve missions.
And they wanted me to be among the first to know.
They were glowing.
I was beaming.
SO PROUD of them.

And I realized.

They are my girls.
They really really are.
I couldn't love them more if they were my own.
My mother heart was brimming with pride and love...
SO. Much. Love.

I am at a different place in my life with the "mother" topic.
And while some of it is too tender (and sacred) to share in such a public way,
the truth is that the Lord has slowly and sweetly shown me what He has likely always prepared me for...to love other's children as if they are my own.

One of my new favorite people* who says smart things said:
There is an instinct in a woman
to love most
her own child -
and an instinct to make any child
who needs her love,
her own.

That instinct is alive and well inside of me and I am so very grateful.
And I'm gratful for those girls (and a few young men) in my life who need my love and my support and my encouragement and my heart.
I really do feel like, in some small yet eternal way, they are mine.

And last night, while sitting across the table from these two girls who I love and adore and who I had the chance to influence just a little, knowing they were "my girls"...well, for now, that was enough for my mother heart.



*Read more from Robert Brault here.

What we don't deserve (day 23)

I must learn to be content
with being happier
than I deserve.
Jane Austen

A week before I left for Fitness Ridge, I had dinner with one of my favorite couples.
I shared all the things I was worried about as I left to change my life.
The things I feared would change.
And they were legitimate concerns.
At least to me.
At least at the time.

And some of them have come to fruition.
Which has been hard.

But, I never really let myself think about all the good that would come.
When I finally chose to become something more than what I’d been.
When I finally chose to let go of my fears.
When I finally chose to believe.
The things that would change in such a profound and positive way.
At least for me.
At least for right now.

There is a level of contentment in my little soul I have never known.
Not like this.
And the truth is, I am falling deeply in love with this life of mine.

And it's because my soul wants what He wants

And for the first time in my life,
I think I finally believe,
the reverse of that is true too.

He also wants what I want.
I don't know the particulars.
I just know that's the truth.

I don’t deserve it. I really really don’t.
But none of us do.
And so we just gratefully accept.
And learn to be content with being happier.

Than we deserve.

"...If you should render all the thanks and praise
which your whole soul has power to possess,
to that God who has created you,
and has kept and preserved you,
and has caused that you should rejoice…
If you should serve him who has created you from the beginning,
and is preserving you from day to day,
by lending you breath,
that ye may live and move and do according to your own will,
and even supporting you from one moment to another--
I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls
yet ye would be
unprofitable servants.”
Mosiah 2:20-21

We can do hard things (day 24)

"You know, if I had known how hard this was going to be, I never would have eaten all that ice cream in my past life," I said between gasps of air during my first treading recovery tonight.

(Now, in fairness, I can't blame where I got entirely on ice cream. But...almost.)

"Really? You really wouldn't have?" Erin asked.
"No. I really wouldn't have," I gasped again.

Then Erin said, "Well, would you give up what you're learning?"
I didn't even hesitate..."No. No I wouldn't."

And I thought about that the rest of the treading session.

The truth is this is really really hard.
It is the hardest thing I've ever done.
Harder than my mission.
Harder than healing a broken heart.
Harder than...anything.


A couple of weeks before I left for Fitness Ridge, a dear friend asked me what I hoped to accomplish by going.
I didn't even think about it.
"I want to know I can do hard things," I told him.
I don't think I had any idea what I was really asking.
Or how bad I really wanted to know.

What is it about our need to know we really are capable of overcoming and conquering the weakest that is within us? This need seems to be as much a part of our nature as our need to breathe. I really believe that.
And I believe that need taps us into our "divine" nature.
The part of us that is of deity.
That part of us that understands the need for grace.


And that is what I'm learning.

I...Laurel...
the girl who used to get scared...
the girl who used to give up...
the girl who used to really struggle to claim the life she wanted...
I can do hard things.

But not alone.

I never really knew that like I know that now.
And now I wish that necklace I have could be changed just a bit.
I wish it said: "WE" can do hard things...

"I can do [hard] things through Christ, which strengtheneth me" (Phil 4:13).
Through Him.
With Him.
Because of Him.

WE can do hard things.
We can. We will. We are.



(necklace and other cute things found here)

Yours. (day 25)

Begin where you are;
work where you are;
the hour, which you are now wasting,
dreaming of some far off success,
may be crowded with grand possibilities.
-Orison Swett Marden

To my friends who aren't sure...
who are holding back...
who haven't started yet...
who don't think they can...
who say "tomorrow"...

Begin.
Right now.
Do it.

Those grand possibilities?

There's no "may be" about it. And
They. Are. Yours.

right. on. time. (day 26)

“Your journey has molded you for the greater good,
and it was exactly what it needed to be.
Don't think that you've lost time.
It took each and every situation you have encountered
to bring you to the now.
And now is right on time.”
-Asha Tyson

I ran tonight.
And I felt such peace.

But, tonight the peace wasn't because I was running.
(Though I'm certain running let me escape the world a bit so I could feel the peace.)
The peace was a gift from a kind Father in Heaven who wanted to make sure I knew He knew.
Someone told me tonight that sometimes He chooses to make it easy to know.
I'm so grateful tonight was one of those sometimes.

In keeping with the theme of yesterday's post, today was an important day.
And tonight as my little head hits the pillow,
I will rest on the truth that I'm right where He knew I'd be.
Now. Today.

Not late.
Not early.
Just right on time.

And that, my friends?
That is peace.

More important than tomorrow (day 27)

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday,
and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow:
Our life is the creation of our mind.”
-Buddha

I used to be a huge fan of fresh beginnings.
I liked getting a new journal and "starting over".
I often felt a need for a new day.

But, no more.

You know that phrase "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
It's my new least favorite phrase.
Please don't ever send me a card with this message on it.
Because I think it's a dangerous phrase.
And I share this in my TOFW message.

Let me explain.

I think to say "Today is the first day of the rest of your life", says that the days leading up to this day aren't important. That they don't matter. Or worse, that I didn't need them.

I am a product of every day in the last 13,862 days (yes, I did the math) I've lived.
For good or for ill, every choice I've made has become a part of the path of experiences I have walked.
Every experience I have walked has been a seed to the beliefs that I have.
And ever belief that I have has impacted my actions, my relationships, my thoughts, and thus my choices.
It's a circle.

And so I refuse to discount the prior 39 years of my life by making a declaration that is popular and meant to make me feel "free" from the past.

Because the truth is, I am me for a reason.
I am here for a reason.
And that reason is this life I've lived.

That is not to say that I can't (or shouldn't) change.
That is not to say that I can't make today better...that I can't make ME better...
But today is NOT the first day of the rest of my life;
It is simply one more important day in this journey of my life.
It can be life-changing.
It can be unexpectedly happy.
But it is not the first.
And yesterday mattered.
It really really mattered.

Something about embracing that truth is far more freeing than running from it.
And makes today not more important than yesterday;
it's simply more important than tomorrow.

For 28 days (day 28)

I've made commitments before.
Even hard ones.
(Remember how I committed to give up chocolate for a year? Remember how I ate that chocolate covered strawberry the second night at Fitness Ridge in December? What? I never mentioned that? Well...)

Four weeks from today, I will have finished a half-marathon.
I will be alive.
I will not die.
I will not come in last place.
I might not be able to do quite what I had hoped, but I want to feel that I gave it everything I had.

So, I decided to make an "out loud" commitment for the next 28 days.
One of those "I want to be accountable" commitments.
I want my body to be at its best the morning of June 11th.
You have permission to check in with me and ask how I'm doing (please check in and ask how I'm doing.)

28 day plan:

- Stick to my calorie in/calorie out plan every day (and it's aggressive but I can do it. I know I can.)

- Start wearing my Polar Watch again...every day (it's such a great fashion accessory)

- Pray every time before working out (I was really good about that for a while and I can confirm it makes a difference)

- No ice cream. (WHAT? Yep. That's what I said.)

- 96 oz of water a day (yes, I know that's a lot.)

- Stick to my training schedule 100% (is that expecting a lot of myself? Yes, yes, it is.)

- Lose 10 more pounds (well, now you're just talking crazy...crazy. good.)

One of the things I felt the need to acknowledge today is that I have not been as vigilant lately with my tracking. And, truly, tracking made ALL the difference when I first came back. So, while much of this journey (and this blogging) has been about the "inspirational", it's time for me to get a little more focused on the "technical".

It's just for 28 days.
I can do anything for 28 days.
Right?
Right.
Wish me luck?

What one thing do YOU want to commit to do for 28 days?
Come on.
Do it with me.

What lies within (day 29)

What lies behind us
and what lies before us
are small matters compared to
what lies within us.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Slowly but surely I am learning to trust this girl inside of me.
There is a power within each of us to do more than we are capable of doing...
to do more than sometimes we want to do...
to believe a little longer...
to love a little deeper...
to trust a little better.

That power comes from Him.
And it really does lie within.

my "I can't" is back (day 30)

Do you remember my commitment to stop saying "I can't"?
Well, tonight was treading Thursday.
And "I can't" was back.

We started at last week's speed.
But this time I increased every single time more than I ever have before.
And by the last minute, I went even faster.

"I can't believe I just did that!"
"I can't believe I just did that!"
I said over and over again.

And then I cried.
Right there on the treadmill, in the middle of 24 Hr Fitness, with Erin by my side.
(I don't have words for how grateful I am for her.
I would NOT be treading alone. I can promise you that.
Or at least I wouldn't be pushing myself like I push myself.)

As the minute recovery was ending, I said, "I want to sprint."

"What?" Erin said.
"I want to do it again," I said.

And then we did (she's so supportive like that.)
I went 7.0 for 45 seconds. (and she went even faster.)

That might not sound like a lot to some of you, but it was after a 30+ minute treading session where I had already maxed out.

But, I apparently I wasn't maxed.
And I went to 7.0.
Me.
7.0.
Just because I wanted to.
Just because I could.

I felt light. And fast. And amazing.

"I can't believe I just did that!" came out of me again.

And I couldn't.
And I can't.
But I did.
So I can.

And I have a feeling this is just the beginning of my "I can't believe I just did that" moments. There are many many more ahead. I'm proving myself wrong right and left.

And oh, I love it!
I love it so much it makes me cry.

This is the kind of "I can't" I'm happy to have around.

gratitude expressed (day 31)

There is no such thing as gratitude unexpressed.
If it is unexpressed,
it is plain, old-fashioned ingratitude.
-Robert Brault

And so, today, let me say I am thankful for:

- my hurting hip. It makes me feel like an athlete.

- nudges from the Spirit.

- the fact that the half is in 31 days and not like only 4. that would be scary.

- Canadian chocolate (don't judge.)

- a friend who reminds me "it takes a village." boy, does it!

- Chris Daughtry. He still keeps me running.

- prayer. especially when I know He's listening.

- Jane Austen. She knows why.

- a super generous "well done!" not from one of my heros.

- Elder Maxwell quotes.

- important life discussions over dinner (that was your "shout out", you.)

- a "you are amazing" email from the current man in my life (thanks, Dad.)

- a phone call that confirms everything really is ok.

- "you can do it" from people I've never met.

Lest you think it's all easy peasy lemon squeezy, it's not.
And today was a hard day.
For lots of reasons.

But, all things considered, I am grateful.
Very very grateful.

And I just wanted to make sure it was expressed.

(What are YOU grateful for? Come on. Humor me.)

Thanks for comments. Due to blogger's "maintenance" they were lost...lest you think I deleted them.

My body's wish (day 32)

"In the morning he rose to run again.
He didn't run from something or to something,
not for anyone or in spite of anyone;
he ran because that is what his body wished to do.
The restiveness,
the self-consciousness,
and the need to oppose
disappeared.
All he felt was peace."
Unbroken, pg. 16 (see original post here)

I set my alarm for 5:45 a.m. this morning.
I didn't want to wake up.
But I knew I had to.
I promised Him I would.

I got myself out on the road.
And I ran.
I. ran.

It was really hard.
Really.

But, I realized this amazing thing.

This body of mine...
I used to feel like it was my curse.
It seemed to be the trap of my life.
Weighing me down (literally).
Holding me back.
I felt like we were always fighting.
And to be honest, I was ashamed of it.

Ashamed.

So now...
To see that it is this body of mine that is shedding the weight,
that is overcoming old ways,
that is letting me run,
Well, that turns this body of mine into my blessing.

It's pretty remarkable to me.

Because while it might have been my spirit, my heart, that started this process, it is my body this is keeping me going.
It's my body that gets out of bed.
It's my body that runs.
It's my body that is doing what my body wishes to do.

And it will be my body that wishes again tomorrow.

Willing (day 33)

I shall not ask the Lord to do
that which I am not willing to do
-Brigham Young

Day 33.
That means there are 33 days until the race.
That's not a lot of days.
And I'm not gonna lie.
It almost terrifies me.

I don't know how I get from here to there.
Don't get me wrong...

I'm not discouraged.
I'm not frustrated.
I'm not depressed.

I just so clearly see that what I'm expecting my body to do is a huge thing.
And I am COMPLETELY aware of my inability to do it.
Alone. Without Him.

It's simply not possible.
Which is why I need Him.
And why I'm asking for His help.

And why I'm going "hard core" for the next 33 days.
If I want Him to do His part,
I have to be willing to do mine.

And. I. Am.

And the winners are...

It's always fun to hear from new people.
So, I chose a winner from people who have commented before and another winner from people who haven't.
Thanks for reading.
Seriously.

I wrote the names on little pieces of paper and I picked them out myself. So hard to do, but I did it.
SO...
Amy (welcome!) and Angela (the talent responsible for my blog design)...Congratulations!

And just since I'm so bad at give-aways, I picked a third for the person who commented first: Beth

Email me at LaurelDOTChristensenATgmailDOTcom with your mailing addresses and I'll get those in the mail this week.


PS Happy Mothers Day. I'm so glad this day exists. Read past thoughts here and here.

vulnerability (day 34)

"Tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."
-Brene Brown

As I was leaving for Calgary Friday morning, I had the thought to grab the notes from the message I shared in Fresno. It didn't make any sense to me. I knew I wouldn't use any of that message when talking to the girls at TIME OUT FOR GIRLS.

But, I sensed it wasn't a random thought.
So I took my notes.

And due to an unfortunate circumstance, one of our presenters ended up on a layover, headed to Canada, without her passport. I knew then that's why I had brought the talk.

One of the pieces of feedback I received after Fresno was that I hadn't been quite honest enough and that I had taken too long to talk about what my "journey" was really all about. I was determined to make that shift this time.

It's so interesting to me that I haven't held back very much in this blogging experience (catch up on my "a better me" journey here). Writing about it has felt very natural and, as I've stated before, I have felt somewhat obligated to share it.

But, saying it out loud?
SO. Hard.

One of my favorite thinkers right now is Brene Brown. Her message about authenticity and vulnerability and courage? Totally speakes to me in my current journey. She has a TED Talk on "The Power of Vulnerability" that is 20 minutes of just plain smart.

You know, I don't think my story is all that unique.
I don't think my experience is any more compelling than others.
But, I heard "Thank you for being vulnerable" several times yesterday.
And maybe that's what makes this a little unique and a little more compelling.

I am not done with the journey.
In fact, I'm not even halfway there (though oh so close).
I'm talking about it in the middle of it.
There is no proof yet that what I'm learning and doing will "work".
The "after" picture and after life is still in development.

Vulnerability.

Brene Brown, after studying people who are living life fully, willing to be vulnerable, had this to share about them:
"They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable...they just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say I love you first. The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. The willingness to breathe through the doctor waiting to call with a mammogram. The willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental."

I've been vulnerable before.
But I don't know that I've ever been vulnerable on purpose.
By choice.

I am doing this.
I am.
And I'm chooseing to do it this way...
As vulnerable, determined to be authentic, me.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being a part of this experience.
Because vulnerability can only exist when there's someone to feel vulnerable with.
And you help me be vulnerable.
xoxo

What sometimes keeps me running (day 35)

(I'm in Calgary today for our event but I wanted to make sure there was something scheduled to post for "day 35". Someone shared this with me a few days ago and I confess to having watched it more times than I should. And, well, I suspected you'd love this. Oh, and what does it have to do with my training you ask? Well, in full disclosure, sometimes, sometimes, I have to think there's the love of a Danny somewhere along the path to get me to keep running. Sometimes.)

"She lights up my life when she says to me at night, 'Wouldn't you like a little ice cream?'...in my mind, in my heart, there has never been, there is not now, and there never will be another Annie."
-Danny



To my Danny:
I'll be the best Annie ever.
Promise.
Oh, and I really really like ice cream.
xoxo
-me

Push your limits (day 36)

I will forever say that Thursday, Dec. 2, 2010 was was the day my entire life changed.
Truly.
That was the day that a 40 minute treading class blew out of the water every belief I had about myself and my life.
Everything for me changed that day.
Every.Thing.
That is not hyperbole.
It is the truth.

And since coming home, with the exception of my February setback, I have treaded every week (and usually on Thursdays) in honor or "Treading Thursday" back at Fitness Ridge.

It's a killer workout.

During the warm-up, Erin and I commit to what we're going to do for "round 1", the 5-minute tread. The biggest rule of treading is that you can't slow down or stop once you've committed to your speed and you should be maxed out by the time the time is up.

Last night we both did started at a new speed.

And we were maxed.
I actually thought I might die.
Erin reminded me during our round 1 recovery that we were still alive.
I finally had to acknowledge she was right.
I felt dead.
But I was still alive.

The long story short is that we kept increasing our speed and we kept maxing out and by the last minute, we both went a speed we've never ever gone.

And it felt a.mazing.

And that is when I realized...

Treading isn't about the physical workout.
Treading is a mental workout.
And that, in many ways, makes it a more critical part of my weekly plan.

Treading pushes my limits.
It's sets a bar or what I can never think I can't do again.
(I don't ever say "can't" anymore but every now and then I'm temped to think it.)
It makes me feel strong.
It changes something inside me.
And I'm never the same again.

Not quite.

Want to see what you can do?
Push your physical limits.
Tread.*

And just see for yourself what it does to change you.
And that head of yours.

(and let me know about it, okay? I'd love to hear.)


*Treading is a high intensity cardio interval program developed by the founder of Fitness Ridge. This is how it goes:
5 minutes warm up
5 minutes as hard as you can go
5 minute recovery
4 minutes as hard as you can go
4 minute recovery
3 minutes as hard as you can go
3 minute recovery
2 minutes as hard as you can go
2 minute recovery
1 minute as hard as you can go
1 minute recovery
5 minute cool down

(recovery should be a tich faster than your warm up speed)

Ready for Great Things (day 37)

"One of the best kept secrets about LDS young women is that in a world where so many girls are attempting to indentify themselves by experimenting with ideas and experiences, we are surrounded by girls who already understand what identifies them. They know what their divine identity means. And that knowledge has them poised and ready for great things." (-me)

I was asked to write the cover article for the May/June issue of LDS Living Magazine. I love being in this issue because it's the first issue my dear friend Erin wrote the "publisher's note" for (because, well, she is the Associate Publisher of the Magazine. Congrats, Erin!) and the "Just Asking" section features another dear friend, Hilary Weeks.

But, I love being in the issue even more because it gave me a chance to highlight some remarkable girls I've had the privilege of meeting over the last few years and share some things I've come to learn about them.

In the most recent Young Women General Broadcast, the young woman who offered the opening prayer declared, "We know who we are." I wanted to jump out of my chair and tell everyone in that Conference Center: "Did you hear that? And they do! They really really do!" In the past year, I have shifted so much of what I do when I now speak to girls. Because I have learned that a whole lot of them really already know who they are...and they just want to be challenged to DO something with that knowledge.

That's what this article is all about.

And you know what?

That's what my journey is all about too.

I've spent a decade + coming to understand who I am...changing beliefs about who I thought I was...working to be the girl I need to be. I've discovered I'm not all that different from my younger counterparts.

And now, I too feel like I'm ready for great things.

I really am ready.

PS Many of you might already get the magazine but I have TWO COPIES to give away. If you're interested, leave a comment by Sunday night and I'll mail this AND my new favorite cd, WOMEN OF HOPE, to two lucky ladies!...or a gent if you're out there.)

Disturb us, Lord (day 38)

When I woke up this morning, my hip hurt.
A lot.
That makes me a totally legitimate runner, right?

The interesting thing is that knowing my hip hurt actually brought me a great deal of satisfaction. Because I know the discomfort means that I really am doing this. I really am changing. And my body is trying so very hard to adjust.

The old me has been disturbed.

I didn't realize that's what I asked God to do to me last November.
But, I did.
And my little spirit must have known that was just what I needed.
I was living "safe", yet dreaming too little.
And something inside me was so ready for more.

I suppose one of the most overwhelming parts of this journey is how quickly some things appear to be changing.
I feel like I'm losing some relationships and deepening others.
I'm letting go of some beliefs and finding new critical truths.
I'm watching some doors close...tight...so much bigger windows can open.

That's what happens when we ask Him to disturb us.
And I had no idea how good it would feel to have my life disrupted like this.
But, it does. It feels good.
And it feels good because it's right.

(How beautiful is this prayer? It says it better than I...)

Disturb us, Lord,
When we are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord,
When with the abundance of things we possess,
We have lost our thirst for the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord,
To dare more boldy,
To venture on wilder seas where the storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back the horizon of our hopes;
And to push back the future in strength, courage, hope, and love.

This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.
(Sir Francis Drake, 1577)

Fearless (day 39)

Fearless--
It's not about not being scared.
It's about doing something even though you are.

I had a rough day.
Not gonna lie.
And I know that makes me look semi bi-polar after yesterday's post.
But, rough day regardless.

The particulars are not important.

But, what I love is that I ended up at the gym after work.
And what I love is that I lasted through three cardio intervals.
And what I love is that I ran faster than I ever have.
Not for long, but still...fast.
And what I love is that I loved it.

Tonight on that treadmill, I felt fearless.
Fearless.
I don't think I've ever felt that before.
But, I wanted to run.
That is what I wanted to do.
And I knew that I could.

As I ran, everything just melted away.
I felt strong.
I felt more than capable.
I felt alive.
I felt...fearless.

That is not to say this thing I've committed to doesn't seriously scare me.
It does.
But, it's something I must do.
Something I want to believe I CAN do.

I'm a girl who chooses to put on her running shoes at the end of a really hard day.
I'm a girl who chooses to believe I can change my life.
I'm a girl who chooses to conquer my natural man.
I'm a girl who chooses to trust there is something waiting for me at the end of this finish line.

I'm a girl who, even in the midst of plenty of things to fear, chooses to be fearless.

(and because I'm fearless, even though things are so busy, I want to try and blog every day until the half-marathon. This is a journey I want to document and I figure I might as well do it here...whether anyone cares about it or not...but please pretend to care...grin.)

So. Good.

I wish I had the words for this thing that is stirring inside my heart.

I had a really meaningful weekend at our event in San Antonio.
I received one of the sweetest notes from one of the sweetest girls.
I knew I was in the right place at the right time.

I awoke this morning in total peace about where I am...where my life is.
And if that wasn't good enough, I stood on the scale and saw a number I haven't seen since the 90s (and I'm not kidding).
I looked at myself in the mirror and could see something different in my eyes.
I knelt to pray and couldn't say "thank you" enough.
For this life.
This really unique and good life.

Today is 40 days until that crazy thing I've committed to do.
40 days... a significant number.
And this is a significant thing.
And the metaphor for my life...what this run represents...well, it all means so much more than I could have ever anticipated.

I am keenly aware of the Lord's hand in all of this.
He has been and is preparing me for things that only He knows about.
And, I trust Him.
More than I ever have before in my life.
And He knows that.
And it feels so very very good.
To know He knows that.

Yes...This IS going to be good.

(Oh, who am I kidding?...It already is. So. Good.)


(find image and adorable little notebook here)