Really grateful. Really happy.

"You're different than you were the last shoot. You seem more comfortable."

That's what my friend Russ said to me when we had a little photoshoot last weekend.
(I needed a new headshot for the new TOFW Tour. The last ones were from 2008. That seems like a lifetime ago.)

And I really am....
comfortable in my own skin, that is.

This Thanksgiving?
That's what I'm grateful for.
Really grateful.

It's been a long time coming.
And I'm not where I want to be quite yet.
But, I'm where I am.
And I'm comfortable here.
I'm not ashamed here.
I'm not wanting to hide here.
Nope...not at all.

I'm comfortable...and I'm happy.

 

Really really happy.

 



(Photos courtesy of the amazing Russ Dixon.)

Confessions of a single girl [part 2]

Remember, this little series is not meant to represent every girl in my situation.
This is just the confessions of THIS girl.

Confession #2:When you stop praying for what your heart really wants, 
your heart stops wanting what you weren't willing to pray for.

Several years ago, I found myself in an ended relationship with my little heart just hurting. It hadn't lasted long but I had let myself think that it might really be something. And I felt so foolish I had let my heart "go there" when it was all ended.

I might have been sitting on a coach shortly after with a woman whom I paid to listen to me talk (aka a really great therapist) and she said something I'll never forget:
"Don't be worried about letting yourself feel how much you wanted something so good. You should be worried when you stop feeling how much you want it."

It's no secret that I spent a lot of my life struggling with the concept of FAITH. It was the basis of my 2011 TOFW message, "The Faith Experiment". Because of that struggle and the work I did to hear truth the Lord was waiting for me to understand, I've had no choice but to look at my life differently.

Or rather the way I've approached my life.

I believe that truths, when turned around are also truths.

For example...

"Wickedness never was happiness"

       "Happiness never was wickedness"

"No unclean thing can enter in the kingdom of God"

       "The kingdom of God has no unclean thing"

And ...

"Faithful desires kill doubt"

       "Doubt kills faithful desires"

What? You've never heard that one before?

Well, what I have learned to be the process of exercising faith in Alma 32, has also helped me understand the process of doubt and what that can do to our little hearts.

We learn in Alma 32 that "even if ye can no more than desire to believe", that is enough for our faith. That desire creates belief.
That belief creates a willingness to experiment.

That experiment produces knowledge.

So what happens when you go the other way?

When the lack of knowledge or the lack of "evidence of things not seen" exists?

And you look around and feel like every attempt to "experiment upon the word" hasn't worked out?

And so you stop experimenting.

And then you stop believing.

And then you lose the desire to believe at all.

I spent too much time in my late 20s and early 30s NOT praying for what I really wanted. I had already experienced enough disappointments with my heart and enough failures with my body that false beliefs about myself, my life and God's plan for me took root. Those false beliefs snuffed out any desire I had to keep praying and hoping and wanting. 

"I don't want to set God up to have the chance to disappoint me again. It's better if I just don't ask."

Simply put, I stopped praying for things to be different and because of that, I eventually stopped wanting them to be.

I lost my desire.
Or rather, I lost my desire for one thing and as a result actually started wanting something else.

No one wants to admit they like where they are when where they are isn't great.
But, that's the ugly truth of staying put.
I really believe that.

At least for me, it's time to acknowledge that all those years I spent living beneath who I was capable of being? I chose that. I stopped praying for what I wanted (marriage, children, a healthier body) and as I result I actually stopped wanting those things.

Doubt that anything would change took over.

And that doubt killed my desire to change anything.

Until a series of events that started the process of transforming my physical life.

I had a desire to change.

That desire created a belief that I could ("even if you have no more than a desire to believe").

That belief created a willingness to experiment (and oh what an experiment it was!).

That experiment produced knowledge that I really could become a different woman than I was.

And prayer was (and continues to be) a mighty force in that transformation.

But, I had to be willing to pray and tell the Lord exactly what I wanted...exactly what I needed.

And the same has been true for my heart.

And I've been learning that for the past couple of years as well.

It's oh so hard to let yourself want something that seems to have been proven time and time again to not be in the cards for you. 

It's oh so hard to say it out loud, even to a loving Father in Heaven, and put it out there one more time.

It is so much easier to just stop asking for it.

But I really felt like this was the year I was supposed to give it everything I had and I really felt like I did. I came to the Lord with everything I had. So, last Spring when it seemed it was not in the cards for me yet again, I was just all out of faith. I was all out of belief. And then, frighteningly enough, there was one day when I could feel I was all out of desire.

Doubt had killed my faithful desires.

On that particularly difficult day last May, Tammy said something to me that  stopped me in my tracks.

"God will not waste a miracle on a doubter."

My little heart was pricked with truth.

I felt a shiver come over me.

I knew she was right.

If I wanted a miracle in my life,

If I wanted all the things I've always wanted, 

I had to be willing to believe and try again.

We cannot ever stop petitioning the Lord for the righteous desires of our heart.
When we stop petitioning, we run the risk of stop wanting.

And I believe that on so many levels, we really do get the life we want.
That doesn't mean we get everything we want.
I'm not naive enough to think that.
Promise.

But...it's a powerful thing to look at your life and think about what you really desire for your life.
I don't care if it's marriage or children or weight loss or a new job or a healed relationship.
Whatever it is...
Desire.
Believe.
Experiment.
Receive.
 
We just can't afford to stop wanting what we want if we really want it.
Because the tragedy isn't not getting what we want.
It's not wanting it anymore.

THIS is "church"

[a worthy interruption...oh, I wish I was there to help...]

I'm really proud to be part of a faith and a culture that puts their brothers and sisters first.
We aren't perfect at it...but we're getting there.

"This is really church.  When the teachings of Jesus Christ sink down into your soul deep enough, you want to help your fellow men."

This is beautiful.
BEAUTIFUL 
and a good reminder of what is right in the world when we put everything aside and just love each other. Please watch...and share.

Confessions of a single girl [part 1]

Do you remember my "Marry Him" series?
It was a pretty powerful little journey of "ah-ha"s for me.

And it would seem that I'm going through a similar little awakening about this single life of mine.
With some of those truths already discovered but now being put to the test a bit.

So, I thought I would document my thought process...some of what I'm learning...things I don't necessarily want to admit but sense might be helpful...not just for other single girls like me...but for anyone who is in a process of change.

I can't promise it will be pretty.
I can't promise it will make sense.
I can't even promise I will finish the process publically.
(But, that's never stopped me before, right?)

And so, with that, I bring you a new little series...
Not meant to be representative of every single girl.
Just representative of this one.

 

Confession #1: Your identity, even if you don't like it, is your comfort zone.

I think I learned this best as I was beginning my weightloss journey. I knew how to be a woman who struggled with her weight. I didn't like it. I wanted things to be different. Or so I said...

The truth was, I was comfortable...even in my uncomfortableness (is that a word?). I knew what my insecurities were. I knew my fears. I knew my coping mechanisms. I was a master at my defense mechanisms. I actually found some peace in having a clear defined excuse for not having the things in my life I wanted. Simply put, the world that I knew felt safer than the world I did not.

Changing my life and starting my journey ended up having less to do with the physical changes and acquiring of new habits and far more to do with truly being willing to give up the world I knew--

the beliefs I clung to

the fears I let hold me back

the identity I let define me...

And I think in so many ways, that's how my life as a single woman evolved. It's been a comfortable place. Not always desirable but comfortable. 

I have totally learned how to handle myself at the holidays.

I've mastered attending functions by myself.

I know how to make decisions on my own.

I get "independence" and dependence only on the Lord.

I've been single for a long time and, simply put, there's something oddly comforting about it.

Not about being alone, necessarily.
But about knowing how to do "being alone".

And I've done a pretty good job, if I do say so myself.

I've learned to be okay with it.

I've learned to feel comfortable with my life and my "single" identity.

There was a time I even wore it as a bit of a badge of honor.

"Not just anyone could handle this...look how strong I am that I can."

Oh the things we'll say to ourselves when we want to feel better about the place that we're in.

BUT...

As I discovered in "Marry Him Truth #1", we just were not meant to be alone.

We are not meant to live life in our comfort zones.

And I have a feeling that truth is going to lead me to Confession #2...

(PS Yes, I realize I was kind of in the middle of talking about the very opposite of being single. Patience, people...patience...)

some [not so] random thoughts on love...

 This is one of the miracles of love: 

It gives a power 

of seeing through its own enchantments 

and yet not being disenchanted.

-CS Lewis

Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
~Rodgers & Hammerstein, Cinderella 

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing.
There are many things below it, but there are also things above it.
You cannot make it the basis of a whole life.
It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling.
love as distinct from 'being in love'
-is not merely a feeling.
It is a deep unity,
maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit;
reinforced by the grace which both partners ask,
and receive, from God.

-CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

 

the love story that wasn't

I'm snowed in today.
It's partially due to the snow.
And partially do to a little flare up of my little illness.
Darn this illness.

So, I thought I'd share a little story.
It's a little post that's been in "drafts" for quite a while.
It's a goody.
And deserves to come out of draft form...

Some of you who have been reading for a while might remember "anonymous".

It started in January 2011 with this post.

And then sporadic comments after that.

I tried to call him out once.
But, he didn't take the bait.

And then that summer, he commented and I commented back and asked him to reveal himself (at the encouraging of Tammy) and he did. And thus began one of the sweetest little email exchanges I had ever had.

It started with him telling me how he had come across my blog and the story is just too sweet not to share (and since it's been a while, I feel like I can share it now).

Are you ready for this sweetness?
[i know this is long...the original email was even longer. i edited it down to the awesome parts. you're welcome]

I was asked to speak [in a fireside] about the redesigned Mormon.org website.  I wanted to show everyone how to create a profile and knew that I needed to create one myself first.  I began reading through existing profiles to get a feel for the length of responses and the general format that others were using. 

There were so many good profiles that I searched all Male profiles and then all Female profiles.  As I was going through the Female profiles, the picture of you demanded my attention.  Those eyes!  Those mesmerizing eyes!  I was unable to pull away!!  As interested as I was in reading profiles, Mormon.org seemed, for a moment, to fade away while the screen in front of me transformed into something of a dating website.  (Did I really just say that?!)  I opened your profile and scrolled down to see if you mentioned the lucky man with whom you were living happily ever after.  My answer (the one that left me a little giddy) was found in one of the questions that you had answered... What is the Law of Chastity?  The word, "single" popped off the page!  (Who would have suspected "single" as the eye-catching word with that question!)  I also discovered that we are close to the same age. More appropriately, your response to the question was so perfect and poignant.  I immediately placed you on a purity pedestal and I had to know more.  Instead of reading the rest of your profile (which would have only made sense), I scrolled up to see if you had linked any personal pages to your profile.  To my delight, I found your blog!!  I read some of your then current posts and thoroughly enjoyed your playful writing style.

After work the next day, my mind drifted back to those eyes.  I wondered if you had posted something new, so I began searching for your blog, but could not remember how to find it.  I had to go back through Mormon.org to find it...Seeing your name and reading the profile allowed me to put two and two together and recognize you as the author of LYFSGUD, my Christmas present for my daughter last year!  I had considered leaving a comment on your blog, but this made me chicken out.   I told my daughter that I was reading the blog of the author of that book and she dared me to leave a comment.  I truly would do anything for her, so I read a few more of your posts (digging for courage) There was no going back.  And I. was. hooked.  

Okay...seriously. How cute was he? How cute was that?
(I love that he even used periods in the middle of a thought to make. a. point.)

You  might be wondering what became of him...
Well, that is a tragic tale.
You see, just as we were getting to a place of feeling like it was time to connect for real, I was feeling like things were getting more serious with someone I was dating.
And so I pulled the plug on "anonymous".
He was sweet about it and asked me to please get in touch with him if things didn't work out.

So...last Spring when things started feeling like they were going south,
I reached out to him.
Only to find out he was dating someone.
And his story was so freakishly similar to the story of mine that was ending that it was nothing short of a really really bitter irony.
Irony...the story of my life.


I had a little chat with the Lord about all of that.
Several, actually.
And I began to feel that this seemingly tragic love story that wasn't (I'm nothing if not dramatic) was just one more step in the unfolding of another story...and I knew I had to believe that eventually I'd get a love story that was.

I just knew I had to believe.
And, though it took some doing, I made a decision to be brave and open my little heart.
Yet again.
For another.
And I'm oh so glad I did.

(To be continued...)

Previous post ammendment

So, remember that blog post where I told you about my guilty little pleasures?

Note to self:
Don't ever endorse a show until you've seen more than one episode.

So now that I've seen more than a few, I feel the need to ammend lest any of you watch one of the shows and think I'm crazy.

Revolution? Not loving it anymore. Which is tragic.
The premise is truly fascinating and it had so much potential.
But, it went to crazy space and got really dark and ugly.

Blast NBC for taking something awesome and making it way less than awesome.

The Last Resort, on the other hand?
So far, I'm still loving it.
It's like a really awesome long movie.

But now that I'm back to work, there is no time for TV
...but thanks to "on demand", I can catch up when I have time.

I think cable might be the ruin of me.

Don't judge.

That's Who I Am

(this post was originally written on April 28th of this year. I don't know why I never posted it but I found it this morning and needed the reminder of where I was last April...what the Lord started to do for me...for those of you just joining, I was getting over the ending of a relationship that truly broke my little heart...And when I see what He has done for me since...oh, He is so good to us. And now, as I'm getting over the mono and trying to get back into the head space I was in this summer...I needed this little post. It's so hard to get back to things when you've spent 8+ weeks away from them. You start to think you just can't do it again...that it's just too hard. It's not easy...but nothing really important is ever really all that easy, is it? Yet I told myself last April apparently that I can do this...because that's who I was that day...and that's who I am now too.)

I'm in Missouri to be with my dad in celebration of his 70th birthday (and seriously, how cute are my new bangs? Amazing what a new hair cut can do for a girl).

We shouldn't still have him, you know.
We've nearly lost him three times.
But, he's still here. And I like to take credit.

You see, I believe the Lord is sparing THIS man in my life until THE man in my life comes along. And because I have yet to marry, well, Dad still gets to live (I'm selfless like that).

I didn't know how much I would need this time with my parents when I booked my ticket. I couldn't have imagined what the last month would hold for me and my little heart. And I certainly wouldn't have known that this morning, April 28th the Lord would heal a little more of my heart if I would just get out of bed and go for my morning run.

As I started the run I realized that so many of the false beliefs I have held about my life and myself...beliefs I started chipping away at when I went to change my life nearly 18 months ago...those beliefs began here in this place.

I had a miserable experience when we moved to Missouri my Junior year in high school.
Things were said to me I will never utter aloud.
I had moments of loneliness no one but the Lord will ever know.
I worked really hard the summer between my Junior and Senior years to lose weight.
I went back to school and people thought I was the "new girl".
And my body was different.
But, my wounded spirit wasn't.

The Lord brought some people into my life that year, though, that would impact me in significant ways. He used them to save me. He used them to help me see who I really was. I will forever be grateful.

One of those people is Flicka. I've talked about her before. We became friends our senior year. And still to this day, she is a voice of truth whispering in my ear constantly. She helps me see who I am when the tears blind my view. She seems so certain in her knowledge that there is something amazing ahead, I have no choice but to believe her.

This morning on my run, as I was reflecting on the current state of my heart and my life and everything that started right here in this place 20+ years ago, I was overcome with sadness.
But, I ran anyway.
Then one of my all-time favorite songs, written by another dear friend (Hilary Weeks), came on my little nano: "That's Who I Am".
And I thought of all the things Hilary has told me too, especially since my journey began.

I knew I had two choices:
To be held back by every lie and every disappointment and every fear
Or to run. Forward.
And so I ran.
I. ran.
And left all the sadness behind (well, a lot of it anyway).
It felt so good. So very good.

I find it interesting that running used to just be the means for my losing weight.
But, that's not why I run anymore.
I run as a metaphor for my life...a reminder of all the things I can do...and how far I've come.
I run because I'm headed somewhere. I run because I want the life that's just up ahead, around that next corner.

And I run because, truly and simply, THAT is WHO I AM.

And the winners are...

Okay, seriously. This was too much fun. I might have to do another one for December.
Maybe I'll just do one the first of every month.
What do you think?

But instead, of random.org, I created a little spreadsheet and put you in the column of the prize you wanted. Then I did a little math equation and...oh, it was ridiculous...and somehow kept eliminating names until there was just one left.

I'm sure there was a simpler way but I couldn't just pick.
Too. Much. Pressure.

SO, here are the winners.

The Beginning of Better Days winners (I had to pick 2. There were too many who wanted it.) are
Misty and Staci

This Is the Christ CD goes to Jan!

The TOFW dvd goes to Ms. Laura (how fun!)

And the surprise? My new very favorite thing from our Zions Mercantile line at Deseret Book:
The Manchester Rose dishes set! The winner is... Gina!
Let me know if you would like the serving bowls or the pitcher or the fruit bowls (pictured above...which I think should have been made for ice cream)
Seriously, people...how great is this dinnerware?
And the quantities are super limited so if you love them too, don't delay!

Please email me at laurelDOTchristensenATgmailDOTcom with your mailing address and I will get your winnings in the mail (along with the October winnings also going in the mail this week. I'm terribly late...I know. I blame everything on the mono ;)

ENJOY!

All is well. All is well.

I really do believe that.
I reallydo.

And I can't handle all the doom and gloom talk today.
The people who are saying they are moving to Canada (which I would love but that has nothing to do with last night's results. I just really love Canada).
that the America they know is dead.

I just can't handle it.

God knew this is what would happen.
He loves us.
He is still in charge.
And His work will NOT be thwarted.

And we have a responsibility to be good citizens and pray for our leaders and make a difference in the world.

Period.
End of discussion.

Life is too short to be in despair.
I can only support despair when it involves a broken heart and a bowl of ice cream.

And so this was my facebook status this morning:

I'm at peace this morning.

There is no time for worry & despair.

We have hard work ahead of us...and lots of good to do.
Lets get at it!

 

 

Sweet November

It's here.
The month I wait for all year long.

And unlike the HORRIBLE movie starring Keanu Reeves (who, seriously, is the worst actor...am I right? When you have the same emotion...or lack thereof...in the movie "Speed" as you do in a chick flick like "Sweet November", I'm sorry...but you're just a bad actor).

So, unlike everything about the movie "Sweet November", I love everything about this month.

The weather.
The clothing.
The non-commercial happiness that is the holiday of Thanksgiving.
The food.
The smells.
The feeling.

This November's calendar, more than any other November in the history of Novembers, is already set with all sorts of good things.
Simply put, it's going to be sweet.
Perhaps the sweetest.
Ever.

And so, because the give away last month was oh so fun, we're doing another.

I'm giving away things that represent what I'm grateful for...

I'm grateful to be a woman.
And so I'm giving away this book.

I'm grateful to be a Christian.
And so I'm giving away this CD.

I'm grateful I get to do what I do.
And so I'm giving away a TOFW dvd of an event I recently spoke at.

And I'm grateful to be happy.
And so I'm giving away a surprise that makes me happy.

To enter, simply leave a comment below with the following information:
1. What are YOU grateful for?
2. Which give away item would you most enjoy? (the book, cd, dvd, or surprise gift)

Enter by Monday, November 5th.
Sweet winners will be announced next week.

Happy SWEET November!
xoxo