Just in front of my hope

While hope is about wanting what YOU want,
faith is about wanting what GOD wants.
-Me.

I had a pretty significant "ah-ha" yesterday at Church. My friend taught the Relief Society lesson on my current favorite talk, "Faith--the Choice is Yours".

I've been thinking a lot about faith and its place in my Optimist Experiment. I've also been thinking a lot about faith and its place in my life.

"Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.

Yes, faith is a choice, and it must be sought after and developed. Thus, we are responsible for our own faith. We are also responsible for our lack of faith. The choice is yours." (Richard C. Edgley)

I thought I understood faith when I came to understand hope.
Do you remember that?

But on Sunday during the discussion, my heart started to beat so hard I thought it would come right out of my chest. The spirit was trying to help me understand a very basic truth. And I couldn't keep from speaking.

"I have always thought I struggled with my faith. But, I see now that my faith only struggles when I'm focusing on faith in the outcome rather than faith in Jesus Christ. When my faith is focused on Him, I can always trust the outcome. Always."

Is that the most basic thing ever?
How on earth has it taken me 39 years to figure that out?

And that got me thinking about the TRUE relationship between faith and hope.
At least for me.

Hope really is about what I want...want I desire...what I pray for.
Faith is about HIM...what HE wants...what HE desires.

Hope lets me trust that what HE wants for me is amazing.
Faith lets me see that it is.

That understanding has completely opened up my mind and my heart.
And it's only been a day (I love that I'm not the least bit dramatic.)

I feel like for the first time in my life, I can confidently say my faith is strong.
Did you hear that? STRONG.
My faith is solid. SOLID.
Because my faith IS focused on Him.
It is.
And it always will be.
Only He and I know how huge that is for me to be able to say.

Now, of course, I still think about outcomes.
I still want outcomes.
In other words, I still hope.

But, I understand hope's place now in my life.
It's standing just behind my faith,
oh so tempted to jump in front of it...
But, hope won't.
Because faith is in front.
Just as it should be.


(image found here)

The Emma Letter

From what I've researched...though one of my "church history friends" who reads this blog can feel free to correct me...Emma Smith asked her husband Joseph for a blessing before he left for Carthage. My heart aches when I imagine how difficult things were for her then...how alone she must have felt. And in some very small way, I connect with that kind of aloneness. I also connect with the longing for a blessing at the hands of someone who is that connected to you. In response to her need, Joseph told her to write the blessing she would wish to receive and to send it to him; he would sign it and it would be so. Joseph, however, was on his way to Carthage.

He was never able to sign the letter.
But, God didn't need Joseph's signature to honor the blessing.
Of that I am certain.

I have a bit of a personal history with this letter that maybe someday will be shared. Suffice it to say, I have read these words dozens of times, especially in the last couple of months. This beautiful blessing is living in the desire of my heart as well. (I separated each sentence here for ease in reading.)

First of all that I would crave as the richest of heaven's blessings would be wisdom from my Heavenly Father bestowed daily, so that whatever I might do or say, I could not look back at the close of the day with regret, nor neglect the performance of any act that would bring a blessing.

I desire the Spirit of God to know and understand myself, that I desire a fruitful, active mind, that I may be able to comprehend the designs of God, when revealed through his servants without doubting.

I desire the spirit of discernment, which is one of the promised blessings of the Holy Ghost.

I particularly desire wisdom to bring up all the children that are, or may be committed to my charge, in such a manner that they will be useful ornaments in the Kingdom of God, in a coming day arise and call me blessed.

I desire prudence that I may not through ambition abuse my body and cause it to become old and care-worn, but that I may wear a cheerful countenance, live to perform all the work that I covenanted to perform in the spirit-world and be a blessing to all who may in any wise need aught at my hands.

I desire with all my heart to honor and respect my husband as my head, ever to live in his confidence and by acting in unison with him retain and the place which God has given me by his side, and I ask my Heavenly Father, that through humility, I may be enabled to overcome that curse which was pronounced on the daughters of Eve. I desire to see that I may rejoice with them in the blessings which God has in store for all who are willing to be obedient to his requirements.

Finally, I desire that whatever may be my lot through life I may be enabled to acknowledge the hand of God in all things.

BYU Studies Vol 14 (1973-1974) in a presentation by Buddy Youngreen. According to his sources he got it from: Bailey, "Emma Hale," pp 112-113. A copy of the blessing is also on file in the Historical Department of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City, UT

What God can do (Part 1)

I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God...(Alma 26:11-12)


I had the privilege of speaking to four different groups this past week.
I'm often asked how this all started. I never can remember.
I really can't.

But, I'm so grateful it did.
These opportunities feed me and fill me in ways my life needs.
And I know the invitations could end tomorrow. So I don't take them for granted.

Before every single commitment, I say I little prayer.
I ask the Lord to use me.
In spite of me.
"Please use me."

And I'm always amazed that when we're willing to be used, He does.
Every time.
He uses us.
I love that He set this whole life up to need to use us.
I think He knew how much we would need to be used.

One night this week, I was talking to a mother who was worried about her daughter. She was grateful for yet another voice that could maybe reach her girl. Soon her daughter joined us and we talked.

How do I express what happened?

All I can say is that I felt like I knew this girl and knew what was going on in her little life and I found myself asking her questions and giving her a very specific challenge on something that I couldn't have even imagined would be relevant to her.

I think one of the reasons God lets me do what I get to do is so that He can make sure I see clearly that He takes care of His daughters. So I can be reminded that He can/will/does take care of me.

You see, I got an email from this mother telling me "the rest of the story"...the background on her daughter...things I couldn't have (and didn't) know...but He did...which explained the relevance of what I felt impressed to say...and happiest of all, this girl, the very next day, ended a relationship that had concerned her parents...something they had been praying would happen...but simply didn't know how.

But God knew.
And He took care of her.
That's what He does.


I was on a Women's View again last week. I might have shared my opinion about online dating and Egypt. They go hand in hand, you know. If you're interested, you can listen here (it ws the Feb. 20th show).

What God can do (Part 2)

I don't often get chances to talk to groups of adult women.
Whenever I do, I love it though. I really do.

But, I didn't really have the time (or the inclination) to do a whole new presentation on a whole new theme that was off from what I've been talking about lately. So, I figured I could just alter my current YW message for the women this morning.

God, however, had other plans.

When I said my prayers last night and prayed about the Conference I was speaking at this morning, I had a sense that my message needed to change. But, it was late when I got home and I was tired. So, I set my alarm for 7am this morning.

I woke up and said a prayer.
I had 2 hours and I knew I needed His help.

And a message just came.
It came as easily as anything ever has.

Some of it was material I've used before.
Some of it was material I've been working on...
things that have been percolating in my mind/heart.
And some of it I had truly never spent time thinking about.
And yet, it came.

I usually feel like I'm going to be sick right before I speak. In fact, honestly, it happens every time. But, it didn't this morning. I wasn't the least bit sick or nervous. I wasn't at all worried about the message because I sincerely felt like it was His.

We had a great experience together and I was so grateful to be there to participate.

But, I wasn't prepared for what happened after I spoke.

The Stake President was asked to share closing remarks.
And what he said kind of blew me away.
He told the group the my words were inspired and that He and I had prepared nearly identical messages, including the sharing of the same obsure letter written by Emma Smith that rarely been published, to my knowledge, and resides in a file in the Church History Department (Really...what are the chances of that?). As he spoke, the spirit confirmed to me that my experience this morning was real.
I hadn't "written" a talk.
He had been GIVEN me a message.

After the meeting, we spoke.
"I was just holding my breath with everything you said. At least you didn't use my Moses reference (I told him God could have never gotten that one through to me...it was a brilliant gem). I guess that's what I get for preparing my remarks this morning," the President laughed. (I didn't have it in me to tell him I had done the same thing.)

The Lord obviously had a message He wanted to get to these women.
That much was very very obvious to both of us.

When God wants to talk to His children,
He does whatever He needs to.
Including waking up a girl
and a Stake President
at 7am
to give them both a message.

That's what God can do.


(I'll share "the Emma letter" next.)

My [short quick] bucket list

I think every girl should have one, don't you?

It's all I can do to be optimistic that I will be strong enough tomorrow morning to get myself to the gym to try the eliptical machine. That's the only authorized exercise I'm allowed to do right now. I want it in the worst way.

I want to be strong enough to do it.
Tomorrow I WILL BE strong enough to do it.
I know I will be.
(I will be, right?)

And that has made me think about other things I want.
But, this is no typical bucket list.
This is a "this year" bucket list.
Or rather in the next 12 months.
You know, before I turn [gasp] 40.

That's right.
Short & quick.
"Go big or go home". That's what I [never] always say.

And I'm putting them "out there".
Giving them a voice.
Starting the ball rolling.

So, even if you're not curious, here's my little list
(in no particular order):

- I want to ride in a hot air balloon.
- I want to take an international trip (sorry, Canada. You don't count this time.).
- I want to have finished a half marathon.
- I want to start another book.
- I want a kiss from a man that makes me giggle.
(I want the kiss to make me giggle. If that man does too, that's just an added bonus.)
- I want to get up on a surf board (in an actual ocean).
- I want to have "finished" what I started at Fitness Ridge and return to experience it all over again...but at my goal weight.
- I want to know...REALLY know...I trusted Him.

I think that's a whole lotta great things but all totally doable.
And you want to know why?

Because I have control over every single one of them.
(well, okay, one of them I have only partial control over but this girl will learn to "work it". Goodness knows, I've worked it before. And I'll work it again.)

I have control.
JUST like I have control over getting up tomorrow morning.
At 4:45 a.m.
And trying to get myself back on track.

Oh, I'm so praying for this back of mine to heal.

I want it.
I want it so much.
And now I want my little list 'o things in the next 12 months too.
Why not?

Hold on tight, my friends.
This is gonna get good.


(Image found here)

little laurel

I'm laying here in a hotel in Richfield.
I came down to speak to a great group of young women tonight.
I underestimated how hard it would be on my back to drive this far.
And when I found out there was a Hampton Inn (i.e. a "cloud nine" bed), well, I didn't have to put 2 and 2 together to decide to pack a little bag just in case.

SO glad I did.

Dad is recovering from his infection. He's not allowed to leave the hospital until it's gone. It's frustrating for him, of course. But, he received a beautiful blessing and we all expect him to be home soon. THANK YOU for the texts and calls and prayers.

I love the people in my life. LOVE.

When I spoke to the girls tonight, I felt compelled to invite the dads who were there to sit by their daughters like I had that one time before.

You see, I had some time to think on the 2.5 hour drive down here and of course, I was thinking about my dad (and my good mom who drops her life to be right there with him). I love them and I love that I know they love me.

And all that thinking led me to think about a little girl.

This one:

I seriously can't stand how cute this picture is.
THIS little girl...are you kidding me?

A man at church nicknamed her "smiley".
And she really was.
All the time.
And she was a giggler.
And, oddly enough, a little shy.
She liked to be with her mom.
She was kind of quiet.
She was content to just play by herself.
She loved her hand-made clothes and the fact that her mom used a bowl to cut her hair (place bowl on child's head as if a hat and cut around it. not. kidding.)
Optimistic was her middle name.
(She didn't even know there was any other option.)

I came across this picture yesterday and I felt this tug at my heart.
And I've thought about it a lot today.
I seemed to hear a whisper in my little soul--
"You owe it to her."

I owe it to her
to do this "optimist experiment" thing.
I owe it to her
to keep believing
to keep going
to keep praying
to keep running.

Oh, I so want to run.
I've never felt a pull harder than this.
I had no idea that it would be something my body AND my mind would crave so much.
I had no idea how hard it would be to patiently let my body heal.
But, I will.

And then I'll run again.
And I'll run harder because I'll appreciate it that much more.
I know I will.
I have to.

I owe it (and so many other good things) to that little laurel girl.
(Seriously...how cute is she?)

praying for mi papa

This guy is in the hospital tonight.
They're taking care of an infection.
You can't mess around with those, you know.


In this old photo, he's holding a big cookie I made him once. (I'm guessing this picture is from like 1984).
He used to go on lots of trips for work and in the beginning, when it was kind of cool, I made a big deal every time he came home. I was dramatic like that.

Ordinarily, my dad being in the hospital would kind of freak me out.
It just would.
He never goes to the hospital just for fun.
And sometimes it's been very serious.
We've had lots of close calls with tall dad, you see.
SO...I'd be tempted to get on the next plane to STL even when I'm told he'll be okay.

But, I'm optimistic now, you know...trusting all will be well.
So, I'm here.
While he and mom are there.

I learned tonight that I really was taught optimism by this padre of mine. You see, Dad took on the job at some point of making my school lunches whenever he was in town.
And Dad's packed school lunches = notes. Sweet ones.

I found a few tonight.
(Do you remember these, Dad?)

Hey Kid-
Just take it one day at a time and pray for help.
Your Father in Heaven wants you to succeed.
I love you.
[apparently even back in the day, I had need for encouraging words]

So what I want to know is,
are you having a positive experience so far this week?
Just look to the bright side of life.
I love you
[look at dad being all "it's a wonderful world" like]

Then there is this gem that shows he would lie if it would save him a buck or two (kidding, Dad. just kidding.):

Hi my dear Laurel
Please feed Otto Saturday night
[note: Otto was our dog. he really deserves his own post one of these days]
Don't turn the air conditioner past 79. Turning it way down won't cool it off any faster than 79. Thanks.
[um, really, Dad? Cause I gotta tell ya, now that I'm a grown up, I've learned this SO isn't true. You sly dog, you.]
I love you Laurel. Be good.

And I love YOU, Dad. I'll be good. YOU get better.
xoxo

Praying for mi papa...

in. love.

To be with a man who, despite his obvious masculinity, wasn't at all afraid to reveal his soft, affectionate side, who had no fears or hang-ups about declaring his feelings plainly and often, who, it seemed, had never played a head game in his life...THIS was the romance I was meant to have.

I love being 39.
Because at 39 you don't think twice about blowing off Friday night plans to do what you really want to do.

That's what I did tonight.
And in the process, I fell in love with the Marlboro Man.

[sigh]

In one sitting...in 3 hours...I devoured this new little gem.
Oh, I highly recommend.
Deeeelightful.
In every way.

I have a feeling I'm going to sleep good tonight.
[sigh]

And just like that, all the horrors of the evening disappeared entirely from my mind. It didn't matter how stupid I was--how dumb, or awkward, or sweaty. It became clearer to me than ever, sitting on that ornate concrete bench, that Marlboro Man loved me. Really, really loved me. He loved me with a kind of love different from any I'd felt before, a kind of love I never knew existed. Other boys--at least, the boys I'd always bothered with--would have been embarrassed that I'd disappeared into the bathroom for half the night. Others would have been grossed out by my sweaty woe or made jokes at my expense. Others might have looked at me blankly, unsure of what to say. But not Marlboro Man; none of it fazed him one bit. He simply laughed, kissed me, and went on. And my heart welled up in my soul as I realized that without question, I'd found the one perfect person for me.

Because more often than not, I was a mess. Embarrassing, clumsy things happened to me with some degree of regularity; this hadn't been the first time and it sure wouldn't be the last. The truth was, despite my best efforts to appear normal and put together on the outside, I'd always felt more like one of the weird kids.

But at last, miraculously, I'd found the one man on earth who would actually love that about me. I'd found the one man on earth who would appreciate my spots of imperfection...and who wouldn't try to polish them all away.

(exerpts from The Pioneer Woman: Black Heels to Tractor Wheels)

just as much as i need to see

This morning as I knelt to pray, I optimistically asked the Lord to show me "just as much as I need to see". I loved that sentiment as soon as those words left my lips. But, I knew the expression was not my own. I had heard those words before.


"Therefore, let not your hearts faint...Mine angel shall go up before you...and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land." [D&C 103:17–20]

What goodly land?
Your goodly land.
Your promised land.
Your New Jerusalem.
Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey.
Your future.
Your dreams.
Your destiny.
I believe that in our own individual ways,
God takes us to the grove
or the mountain or the temple
and there shows us the wonder
of what his plan is for us.
We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the brother of Jared did,
but we see as much as we need to see
in order to know the Lord's will for us
and to know that he loves us
beyond mortal comprehension.

I also believe that the adversary
and his pinched, calculating little minions
try to oppose such experiences
and then try to darken them after the fact.

But that is not the way of the gospel.
That is not the way of a Latter-day Saint who claims
...the spirit of revelation.

With Paul, I say to all of you:
"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." [Hebrews 10:35–36]

Oh, Elder Holland.
Thank you.

(another gem from "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence", March 1999)

The optimist experiment

"Well at least you're the most cheerful pessimist there ever was."

So said a dear older and wiser friend to me today.
I have a few people who have seen a side of me the past four days few ever see.

"You know, if you had a husband, you'd be cured of this. You just need someone to talk you out of your own head and tell you when you're being crazy."

I'm sure she is right.

Because by the time we were done talking tonight, I was laughing about how silly I've been. How "in my head" I've been. How "worst case scenario" I've been.

"If I was a superhero. I'd be 'worse case scenario girl'." I told her. We were both laughing then.

It's true, you know.
And I had no idea that's who I was until the past few days showed it to me loud & clear.
I mean, I knew that I have a tendency to get panicky.
I knew that I am prone to dramatics.
(Tammy and I used to jokingly say "shoulda seen that comin'" every time something went wrong or we suffered a disappointment.)
I knew that I have the ability to be a little fatalistic.
But, wow.

One of these dear friends said to me on Saturday (after hearing my free-flowing thoughts), "No one would know this about you. No one would think you 'go there' like this."

The truth is I am generally really positive and really happy and really believing.
I believe in happy endings.
I believe all things are possible.
I believe God hears and answers prayers.

But, I also know heart-breaking disappointment.
I also know that sometimes good things just don't happen.
I also know difficulty brings growth.

And the reality is that I have plenty of experiences in life to support both sides, but, if I'm being honest, I feel like I've been dealt the disappointment more than the met expectation.

And so, perhaps as a protection mechanism, when things go south, they go south quickly.
I panic.
I retreat.
I close up.
I go to worst case scenario.
Fast.

Not for other people though.
When friends are going through a divorce, I assume they'll get back together.
When someone is losing a child, I totally believe that child will be healed.
When some young girl has lost her way, I absolutely trust she'll make it back.

But me?

On Friday, I received some personally disappointing news. It shouldn't have been the end of the world at all. In fact, deep down I knew it was part of how this particular thing was going to play out.

But, in less than 10 minutes...TEN SHORT MINUTES...
I forgot everything I've believed or felt or trusted.
And I went "worst case scenario".

And then on Saturday morning, when my bless-their-heart back muscles seized up on me, I had already cancelled an upcoming trip. I had already backed out of the half-marathon. Heck I was practically choosing the color of the jazzy cart I would be stuck in for the rest of my life. Because, of course, I was never going to walk again. Worst case scenario.

Who does that?
Who goes to worst case scenario 0-60 in 2.5 seconds?

My "older but wiser" friend has been telling me I'm far to introspective for my own good. And she's probably right. But, I had to think about all of this because now that I know I do what I do, I want to figure out the "why" so I can change it.

And it was oh so helpful to talk it all through with her tonight.

Tammy (my not so older but often still wiser friend) told me recently I have "but if not"-ed myself to death. Do you remember the "But If Not" lesson? (I wrote about it here).

It was a much needed lesson for me at a critical time in my life.
And frankly, it has served me well for several years.

BUT...

It has also created in me a little bit of a pessimist.
It has also set me up to expect the hard thing.
It has given me permission to "worst case scenario" myself.
Almost as if I'm putting everything in its proper place ahead of time so that when things don't turn out, I'm totally okay.
My faith can still be intact.
Because, well, I am prepared for the "but if not".
Which makes me wonder...
which came first?
The hard thing or me preparing the way for the hard thing that then maybe even brought about the hard thing?

THAT way of thinking is not what changed my life in December.
THAT way of thinking will not get me across a finish line.
THAT way of thinking, honestly, wears me out.

And so...
While I do not discount the truthfulness of the "But if not" principle.
And while I don't make light of the profound way it saved my testimony.

It's also time to change.

A few weeks ago I was talking to another dear friend. "You have to want something bad enough that you're willing to risk being disappointed," I told him. We both thought it was pretty brilliant.

BUT..."risk the disappointment" is quite different from "expect the disappointment". I just had never made the connection until tonight. I never really realized what I was doing until tonight.

As we finished our conversation tonight, I was smiling.
Ah, it felt good to be smiling.
"So, I'm not crazy, right?" I said to my friend.
"No. You're normal. We all have our 'thing'. This just happens to be yours."

Well, I'm ready for a new "thing".

And so, I'm starting a little experiment. I might chronicle it here from time to time. From now until the half marathon (that I WILL be running), I'm going to start expecting things to work out just like I want them to.
I'm going to pray like they will.
I'm going to think like they will.
I'm going to live like they will.

I'm going to risk being disappointed.
But, I have a feeling I won't be.
Not anymore.

I'm calling it the optimist experiment.
If you're still reading this long post, want to join me?

3 a.m. observations

- The night is never darker than it is at 3. Really, people, have you looked lately? Pitch. Black.

- I would make a horrible "night shift" worker. I would just be bugged the whole time I wasn't in bed...asleep.

- Unless the "night shift" job involved a baby. Then, I wouldn't complain at all. But, I might throw things at my husband until he woke up too. That would seem fair.

- I would also be a bad druggie. I just took something that was supposed to help the pain I awoke with suddenly. I hate...really really don't like...the altered state some medicine puts you in. I'm glad I don' t enjoy that feeling. Please remind me of that tomorrow morning at 3 a.m. should this occur again.

- There's alone. And then there's alone at 3 am. Me no likey.

- It's sad that I had to miss Valentine's Day yesterday. I really love that holiday and had planned the treat I was going to make over the weekend and take to work yesterday. My back, however, had other plans. Valentine's Day must still be celebrated and it will have to happen later. This should be very happy news for my friends.

- I did get a Valentine though. Yay for Valentines.

- I'm never going to take a "feel good" day for granted again. I haven't had one for 2 weeks. Did you know that? Tweaked my darn back doing a plank. And by "tweaked" I mean I pulled the ligament that attaches my pelvis bone to my hamstring. And it has led to all sort of other fun back complications this past weekend. But, wait. Did you even know you had a ligament there? Neither did I. But, I do now.

- Don't ever google "3 a.m.". Just sayin'.

- My Dr. thinks my body is doing something called "retracing"...responding the only way it has known for 20 years. I've been wondering if our spirits do that too. If they do, my spirit will totally win this one.

- I learned something about myself this weekend that I feel like I should talk about here. A friend said to me (after witnessing the way my mind works), "Wow. Do you live with this brain all the time?" It wasn't a compliment. Should I blog about that?

- There was a time (i.e. 10 weeks ago) when the thought of having to run made me cry. Now not being able to does. Who knew?

- Did I mention I don't like being alone at 3 a.m.? I mean, I'm sure I'm alone at 3 a.m. most nights (at least I hope I am...what was that sound?) but I don't ever really know it because I'm normally asleep. And I like that feeling better.

- I probably shouldn't blog whilst on drugs at 3 a.m. So noted.

first loved

We love Him,
because He
first loved us.
1 John 4:19

A good Valentine's message for any relationship, don't you think?

(And so is this one below...)

And in the spirit of Valentine's Day. Go find someone to kiss.

a little life boomerang

Something happened yesterday.
And I loved it.

Now, let's be clear.
I totally set the world up to give me the day it gave me yesterday.
(Apparently if you make enough comments about your birthday, the well wishes and treats totally follow).
But, the world came through...oh boy, did it ever!

Yesterday seemed to be a day when every good thing I ever tried to do or every bit of love I've ever tried to give came back to me a hundred fold.
People I didn't even know liked me.
Young Women who I didn't think still remembered me.
Dear friends who know me better than I thought.

I was surrounded by this bubble of love.
The feeling was amazing.
My little heart was overflowing.
And as I've thought about it today, I realized it was like my own little life boomerang.
But of just the good things.
Like the universe had forgotten all the bad or dumb or silly.
And just gave me back all the good.

Do you think life is like that?
Does it really give you back what you give?
Is it really that forgiving?

I didn't know the answers to those questions before.
But I know them now.

A life boomerang.
Who knew?

thirty-nine

"It sometimes happens
that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine
than she was ten years before."
Jane Austen, Persuassion

But, my dear Jane, it sometimes happens that a girl is way cuter at 39 than she was at twenty-nine.

I should post the picture of me at 29. I found it recently. I'm not even a blip of the same girl I was then. And not just physically. There is something in my eyes now that wasn't there before.

There's something in my heart now too.

I'll show the pictures eventually but I've decided those are going to wait until further along in the transformation of my life. One of my favorite husbands of a friend said, "I've watched The Biggest Loser enough to be able to tell who is going to be hot in the end. And YOU, Laurel, are going to be hot." I'll love him forever for saying that.

Suffice it to say, I woke up this morning feeling like a milliondamdollars (yep, you read that right). I just feel so good. SO. GOOD.

And as I knelt to pray all I could do was a "thank you" prayer.
I realized I have nothing to ask for.

At least not today.
Not on this birthday.

I'm happier than I've ever been.
I'm healthier than I've ever been.
I'm more sure than I've ever been.

This is the year everything good happens.
This is the year I am completely me.
This is the year the pieces of my life come together.
This it the year I say, "Oh, I get it now."

God does amazing things in our lives when we let Him.
And He does amazing things even when we don't.

He's good like that.
He's God like that.

I love being 39.
It barely started and I already love it.

right where i should be

Look what I got in the mail today...

Sometimes a girl needs to know that at 39 (tomorrow), even without some of the typical things in life most girls at 39 have...well, a girl just needs to know she's made a little bit of a difference in the world.

I wish I didn't need that kind of validation.
(I wish I didn't have that wrinkle on my forehead).
I wish I wasn't feeling all needy like that.
But, I am.
I am.

So when I drove to the post office this morning to pick up my mail (for the first time in forever) and when there was something there from this really spectacular friend and when that something was like seriously the most amazingly thoughtful thing (i.e. the cutest little book) I think I've ever been given...well, let's just say I "happy tears" my mascara right off. (so if you're looking at the picture thinking, "um, why does it look like Laurel was crying?" it's because, well, I was...)

And there, in the parking lot of the post office in Sugarhouse, I got all grateful like.

So, to my cute friend Jessica who I met after she asked me to speak in her BYU freshman ward last year and who is sweet enough to act like it's cool to invite me to lunch with her and her roommates so I can tell them ALL THE THINGS I wish I'd done differently when I was their age...well to you my sweet friend? THANK. YOU.

Curious to know what the "lessons i learned from Laurel" are?
Yeah, I was too.
And interestingly enough, I kind of needed the reminder.

1. Nothing is more important than knowing you have a literal Father in Heaven. Once you know that, you know who you are and your divine potential.

2. You have no idea all the amazing things the Lord has in store for you. That's why it is SO important to have the spirit always with you.

3. Boys are ridiculous, but men are not. So just be patient until you find one.

4. Don't be the one thing standing in your way. You got this.

5. It's okay to sometimes rant away. Have some ice cream...and say your prayers...and all will be well.

6. When change seems hard, focus on the small step-by-step accomplishments. What matters is where you are.

7. Don't quit. Don't say you "can't". Because YOU CAN.

8. I can be a runner. Really, I can.

9. The Lord has you here right now, because He needs you here right now.

10. Things are JUST as they should be....and just as they were always intended to be.

I love that whether I directly said these things or not (because some of them sound smarter than what I would ever say...except for #3. I remember saying that), that this is what Jessica has heard.

And they are little gems of truth.
Little nuggets of my learnings.
Little lessons from my life.

And as for #10?
Well, this "I'll-be-39-yr-old-tomorrow" girl could not agree more.
So, this birthday (tomorrow...did you catch that?) is officially a celebration of where I'm at and knowing that I'm right where I should be.

Because I am, you know.
I am.


(PS. "Anonymous"...it's kind of fun not knowing who you are. Stick around for a while, will you?)

Face your doubts

Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make,
but once there has been genuine illumination,
beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing.
If it was right when you prayed about it
and trusted it
and lived for it,
it is right now.
Don't give up when the pressure mounts.
Don't give in.
Certainly don't give in to that being
who is bent on the destruction of your happiness.
He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself.
Face your doubts.
Master your fears.
"Cast not away therefore your confidence."
Stay the course
and see the beauty of life unfold for you.

(Elder Holland, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence", March 1999)

Healing mine unbelief

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.
Mark 9:23-24

I've thought a lot about how much to share.
There is sometimes a fine line between testifying of God's goodness and "keeping all these things and pondering them in my heart" (Luke 2:19).

And so, I attempt to testify.

When I awoke Friday morning, I knelt in prayer and told the Lord I knew He would heal me that day and I also knew that I could endure the way I was feeling until 4pm. I thanked Him in advance for the healing I knew would come.

I don't know that I've ever prayed with more boldness.

And then, true to my spirit, I asked Him to forgive my lack of faith that I feared would rear its ugly head sometime during the day.

Shortly before 4pm, my body found strength.
It lasted during the entire event.
I went to bed feeling better than I had felt all week.

Saturday morning when I awoke, I was very much in the same condition as the prior morning. Again, I prayed.

And when I walked into the venue at 7am Saturday morning, my body found strength.
It lasted during the entire event.
I went to bed last night feeling better than I had felt all week.

God was capable of giving me what I needed when I needed it...
Of course He was.
And He did.
And I knew He would.

And THAT is what astounds me this morning.
It was not what happened to my body, though I am ever so grateful.
No, it was what happened to my head...
to my heart...
to my spirit.

You see, God did far more than heal my body this weekend.
He healed my unbelief.

And THAT, is the miracle for me.
THAT is truly the miracle.


(PS. THANK YOU for the prayers and texts and check-ins. Truly. I was pretty overwhelmed and recognize the power of collective faith and love from so many people in my life. You helped to bring about what I needed as well. Life is never about what we do on our own. Because we can do nothing on our own. And I'm grateful for that too.)

I trust Him

It's been a difficult couple of days.

Without going into uneccesary detail, I've been fairly immobile since Sunday night. I have been to the doctor. I've received a Priesthood blessing. I've even taken a friends presciption drug (I know...I know...but he's the same one who gave me the blessing so I justified it). I just have tried to do anything I thought I could do to get myself better.

It's our 2011 Tour kick-off event this weekend. And in addition to the events often taking everything I have to give emotionally, they also often take everything I have to give physically.

For so many reasons, I need to be at my best for the event.
I really really need to be.

When I woke up at about 2pm this morning, it was dark and cold and I was alone. I mean, of course I was alone...but I FELT alone. So alone.
And I knew I was in trouble. The pain let me know things were not looking good.

I didn't even try to get out of bed.
I just cried myself back to sleep.

The next time I woke up it was a little before 7.
I slid out of bed onto my knees.
And I was crying as soon as I said, "Father".

The only thing I could think to say was a question I'd never been driven to ask Him before.
"WHAT do you want from me?" I cried out. (Translated: Why aren't I better? Why aren't you coming through? Why won't you help me?)
"Please just tell me and I will do it."

I wasn't prepared for the answer that came.

"Trust me."
It came into my mind as clear as day.

It felt like a chastisement more than an invitation. And it would be fair to call it that because a chastisement is what I needed. I wasn't trusting Him and He knew it. You see, I knew He COULD heal me...but I had already been preparing myself for the fact that He wouldn't.

And I do that a lot.

Those closest to me know that's how my mind sometimes works.
I know God CAN do all things. I KNOW He can.
But, I also know that sometimes He chooses not to.
And I have lived a lot of my life expecting that...
expecting Him to not to.

That's not an easy thing for me to admit.
But, it's an important thing for me to acknowledge.

Me, who is generally optimistic about life.
Me, who knows God loves me. KNOWS IT.
Me, who believes good things happen more often than not.
Really good things.
I still sometimes expect things NOT to work out.
I still sometimes expect Him to not come to the rescue.
I still sometimes expect the hard thing to happen.

I don't go to "that place" in my head nearly as much as I used to. But, during times of vulnerability or times when I'm scared, I go there much too quickly. That's the place my head (and heart) have been for the last few days.
And He knew it.

So, this morning, when I heard Him say, "Trust me", I didn't know how to react.
What if I trust Him and He doesn't heal me?
What if I trust Him and it doesn't work out?
I knelt there for several minutes thinking about it...asking myself honestly if I could. I mean, if I can't (or won't) trust HIM, where on earth does that leave me?

"I will," I said. "I promise I will."

And I got up and went about my day confidently and at peace.

Even as I share this tonight, I'm still not well.
I'm better than I was, but I'm still in pain.
Enough that if nothing changes, I won't be able to manage this weekend.
But, I know I'll be able to.
I know I will.
Because I trust that He knows what I need and when I need it.
AND I trust He will grant me exactly that.
...what I need, right when I need it.

I trust Him.
I trust Him.

And that's all He asks for now.

Preserve me, O God:
for in thee do I put my trust.
Psalms 16:1

Dear Anonymous

So, Anonymous...

Flicka and I can't tell.
Are YOU the "a guy"? or do you know him?
Do I know YOU?
Is it just my witty writing that's the attention getter?
Or am I?

This, Mr. Anonymous, could be your lucky post.

Because I don't know if you know this or not, but um...
I'm available.
And I'm a runner.
(I totally just winked. Did you see that?)

Reveal thyself. Come on. Humor me.

(kidding...really. But, I couldn't not give you a shout out. And just felt the need to say...I'm sure it's not easy, what you're doing...But, you can do it. Because what you're doing is so important. So just keep being a good dad. Your daughter needs you more than you could ever know. Promise. I wrote about it once. Take a read.)