"How I Spent My Christmas Vacation"

(aka "to be continued [part 2]")

It started with presents underneath a tree that, independent of one another, we had color coordinated to match my tree. We're ridiculous like that.

 

Then we had breakfast at the airport.

And we headed to St. Louis.

Where I bonded with family.

 

And bought a hat at an antique mall.

And attended a board meeting of a new family business.

(a breakfast meeting at IHOP. The middle kid is the CFO. He's flagged on either side by his partners. The cutie on the left wore her pearls because I told her they should wear "business attire".)

 I hugged on them in their new pajamas that their awesome aunt (i.e. me) bought them.

 

And we (okay...he) taught them how to play marbles (the old fashioned way) with marbles and shooters we found at the antique mall.

And then we went to Nauvoo.

Just the two of us.

 

 A perfect winter night.

For a perfect way to end the year of the dragon.

 

And we went back the next day just to feel it all over again.

I thought I was dreaming.

But, I wasn't.

It was real.

This is real.

(and, yes, so is that ring.)

 

I don't have words for what has transpired the last six months.

It has not been all sunshine & lollipops.

It has been wonderful and hard and remarkable and stretching.

I'm. amazed.

And it has been sweet and sacred.

As I sat in the temple in Nauvoo on Friday night and said a silent prayer, still not knowing what was "just around this corner",

I had the distinct impression that, though I couldn't reconcile every piece of what was right in front of me,

God is in this.

And that's all I needed to know.

He takes care of His children.

All of us.

And He lets us choose paths for our lives.

Actually... He REQUIRES us to choose.

And I've chosen.

And I couldn't be happier about it.

This.

him.

 

2012 was everything I didn't expect, everything I didn't pray for

And then...

everything I did.

Happiest of New Years to all of you.
Happiest. Ever.

I'm. A. Pig.

(We interrupt my "to be continued"s and my "confessions to bring you this...a conversation that actually took place this past week)

"So, sweetie," (sometimes he calls me sweetie) "What did you say your Chinese astrology sign was again?"

"A rat. I'm a rat."

"Um, you're a bore." (which was so borderline offensive because I think I'm highly entertaining.)

"I'm a BORE?"

"No, a boar."

"A BOAR?"

"You know, a pig."

"A PIG?!"

It was getting worse.
And going nowhere fast.

You know how I got all excited about the year of the dragon because the year of the dragon is supposed to be super awesome for a rat?

And you know how I've basically lived the last 3 years of my life acting as if the chinese belief system was akin to a roadmap from God? (okay, not totally but...)

So imagine my serious meltdown (I jest...but only ever so slightly) when the man in my life informed me (oh so cautiously...he's no dummy) that I'm actually not a rat (that was supposed to have the most awesome "year of the dragon" ever)...but a pig (of all things)...and therefore not entitled to all the amazing things promised to the rat.

It was like my whole little world came tumbling down
Like nothing was real anymore
Like every fortune cookie I've ever read was actually just a random piece of paper stuffed into a piece of baked dough
 (I'm nothing if not dramatic).

I won't take the time here to analyze it all or tell you all the sad things that aren't true for the pig that are true for the rat...but let me just summarize my recent learnings:

1) I'm dating a really smart (and totally amazing. there. I said it.) man who knew to cautiously tell me my chinese astrology sign was not what I thought it was and knows me so well that he knew I'd hate finding out I as a "pig" of all things (really? a pig? I couldn't be a dog or a  monkey? And yes, for the record, I think a "rat" is better than a "pig"...who needs that complex?)

2) He is a rabbit and rats and rabbits make HORRIBLE partners while, on the other hand, rabbits and pigs are perfectly matched. I should have known something was wrong about my sign long before now. I still can't decide if that makes up for being a pig instead of a rat (kidding, babe. Kidding.)

3) Fortune cookies were invented in San Francisco. They aren't even chinese at all and so have even less credibility than chinese horoscopes (I know...I know...it was hard for me to hear too...but someone needed to tell you.)

But the most important learning?

I actually really truly believe, though am slightly embarrassed to admit (but only slightly), that there are things that happened in my life the last two years because I let myself believe in this little chinese astrology "thing". It's not like I put all my faith into something that isn't real...but I opened myself up to possibilities and experiences that I never would have otherwise because I let my little Jane Austen and Hallmark commercial self believe that maybe...just maybe...the planets (i.e. my life and God's timing) were really aligning and that maybe...just maybe...I could will some things into being...if I lived my life a little differently.

I get that none of this has *really* been about "rats" and "pigs" and "dragons" (or even "rabbits". though I have become oh so fond of rabbits).
But, it's been about believing and hoping and faithing.
It's been about working and dreaming and living.

A little part of me thinks I needed to think I was a rat so that I could believe that all the amazing things that were supposed to happen to rats the past few years could happen to me. It's so silly...I know it is...and yet...

In some odd, really sweet way, it opened up my life in ways I couldn't have imagined.
And gave me the courage to go after things I never would have gone after.
I am not the girl I was three years ago when my love of my "rat status" began.

And now I can look back seeing what happened...what I did...what God did in my life...
knowing this wasn't about a horoscope
this wasn't about the planets aligning
this wasn't about rats or pigs or dragons...

It was about a girl finally finding it in herself to dream a little bigger
and work a little harder
and believe a little deeper
to come a little closer to having the life she was always meant to live.

So, to the year of the dragon, as you get ready to wrap your little self up, I say...
THANK. YOU. Thank you, Mr. Dragon.
The very thought of you got me to a place I never would have imagined.
You've been oh so good to me.
And I love you...
Rat, pig, or otherwise.

"to be continued" [part 1]

So, nothing more became of  "anonymous" in my previous post.
For all I know, he married the girl he started dating.
For the sake of his happiness and his goodness, oh, I hope that was the case.
Everyone deserves to find such happiness.


But...
it really was a step in a journey the Lord needed me to take to get me to where I am.
And it was one way He helped me see a different view of what I wanted/needed.
And find the courage to seek after it again once my little heart was healed and I was really ready.

There are so many details of my current story that deserve to be told.
And so many details that will probably never be told in such a public forum.

But, unbeknownst to me, the timing and the details of the Lord working in my life...well, those details and that timing were unfolding right before my very eyes.
Even being documented on this little blog of mine.
But, I didn't see it...I couldn't have seen it.
Though looking back now, I'm amazed at what the Lord was doing for me every step of the way.

And that is one of the messages in all of this for that's applicable to everyone:

God is involved in the details of our lives.

Not as a chess master moving pieces at His will.

(I finally understand that in a way I never did before.)

But rather as a brilliant architect, opening doors and building additions...

Taking what is there and helping it to be what it can be.  

Giving us options and letting us choose.

Taking our decisions, allowing for others' choices, and finding a way to make it all work.

He has been doing that for me.
He is doing it for you.

Look for evidence of that truth.

SO...for those of you who want to know more about the "to be continued"...
You can get context for it by reading a few old posts.

It started with a celebration of the year of the dragon.
I'm a believer. That's all I can say.

And then my birthday month wherein I was surrounded by a ridiculous amount of love that was going to be a needed reservoir for the months that were waiting for me.

And then March came. The first month since starting my blog where I didn't blog.
It was a time of soul searching and praying and temple going and, although I didn't see it at the time, preparation for making one of the hardest decisions of my life...ending a relationship with someone who had come to mean the world to me.

And that led to the "bleeding heart" of April.
And I was so distracted that month by my heartbreak that I completely last track of my eHarmony subscription. And got renewed for 3 more months (did I just say that out loud? was my mic on?). I was NOT happy about that.

When I realized it had happened, I decided to make the best of it. I told the Lord He had three more months with me there.
That was it.
Just three.
And that I would not initiate contact with anyone.
But that, if He had someone He wanted me to meet, well then, I would be open to it and He could work His divine orchestration abilities to get us matched.
I knew I wasn't ready to close my heart completely.
I still wanted what I felt like I was being prepared for.

But, I was still so very sad and not in any condition to meet anyone.
(Tammy said one day, "God could put your husband right in front of you and you wouldn't see it." And I knew she was right.)
My tears were simply clouding everything else in my view.

So, I made the decision that May 31 would be my last sad day.
I was looking ahead come June 1.

But, though I changed my view on that day, it wasn't completely immediate.
And there was one more thing that needed to happen...
"my brave day".
The day when everything changed.
Everything.

(To be continued...again.)

the present moment

We should not fret for what is past,

nor should we be anxious about the future;

men of discernment deal only with

the present moment.

-Chanayka

This is what "the present moment" looks like:

Calm.
Uncluttered.
Right.

I have a confession [part 3] to post.
I have a "to be continued" to write.
I have a chapter of a book I'm contributing to that needs to be finished.
(Book 1 in the little series will be out the first of the year. Book 2 is wrapping up now. Stay tuned for more fun details.)
I actually have a plane to catch this morning.
And I have a "to do" list and even a "to be" list that is getting longer than there are hours in a day.

BUT...
I also am committed to living in the present moment.
To enjoy what "now" looks like.
It's not something I've ever been very good at.
And yet, as I'm learning to be here, I'm learning so many other things.
It's hard to feel too stressed out or too overwhelmed when you live in the present.
This is where I am.
It's good here.
And I love it.