Thanks, 2009. I love you.

"The world is round
and the place which may seem like the end
may also be
the beginning."
-Ivy Baker Priest

Dear 2009:
I can't imagine how I could have had a better year than you.
Truly.

First there was the Graduation
(um, I'm a master!)

And then there was the celebration
(and I'm better for it)

Then, I had a paradigm shift
(and didn't we love that discussion)

Oh, but then I went to China
(hello! me! I went to China! Look at the archive to see it all.)

And then...I got brave
(when, really, I was still scared)

So that I could thoroughly enjoy a great thing
(and it really really was)

2009, you have blessed my life.
And really, we just got along so well.
I think you've been my favorite.
(but, don't tell all the other years. I don't want them to feel badly).

xoxo,
L

(PS If you're reading this, you've likely blessed my life this year as well. Gratzi. I'm grateful for YOU too.)

No regrets

I don't regret hoping.
I don't regret loving.
I don't regret believing.

I spent part of the last year of my life opening up my heart to one of the best guys I've ever known (and he was oh so careful with it.)

He is good & kind & smart.
And...
He made me laugh.
He made me feel pretty.
He made me want to be better.

He didn't seem to blink when he found out I was older than him,
or think twice when he knew I was finishing my masters.
He thought it was great I've had some success and encouraged more of it.
He saw me "do my thing" and didn't make me feel like I needed to be anyone other than who I am.

And I am oh so grateful.

I'm not the same girl I was a year ago.
not. even. close.
I KNEW it was going to be the best year yet.
And it was.

No regrets.
(and we really are okay.)

Just know that I know...

I spent the morning here: (photo courtesy of me this very day. pretty, eh?)

It's where I go when I need to feel God's undeniable love.
It's where I go when I need to know He knows me.
It's where I go when I need to be still.

Please don't ask questions.

Just know that I know that just because you want something...and just because you're willing...doesn't make it right...And when it's not right, if you're willing to ask, God is always willing to tell you.

Just know that I know that.

I'm such a girl

Today it's raining in St. Louis

and i'm feeling all jittery inside

and i'm a little tired from a late night

and i still haven't finished the scarf (thus the late night) I'm making for a boy (scarf for Christmas...cheesy or sweet?)

and i pick up said boy from the airport in just a couple of hours

and i have to try and not freak out that said boy is spending Christmas with my family

and our Christmas plans sound crazy

and so i try to remember that a couple of weeks ago, it sounded great...even important

and i feel grateful

but i am anxious

and then i'll have moments of calm.

Today I could throw up and go back to bed so easily.

Today I'm SUCH a girl.

"Give me twenty"

My dad traveled a lot when we were younger.
Many weeks he'd be gone 3 nights in a row for weeks in a row.
And he served in very committed roles in the Church and so sometimes he just wasn't around as much as we would have liked.

I remember that occassionally he would bring us little gifts from his trips.

For example, we used to play the "Alphabet Game" a lot on car trips as a family. (You know the one...you look for all the letters of the alphabet on billboards and the first person to "Z" wins.)
Well, there was never a "Q" when you needed one.
And so, one time my dad found little wooden "Q"s and gave them to us so we would always have a "Q" for the Alphabet Game.

But, I think my favorite Dad gift was a little nametag style pin.
It said simply:

"Give me twenty"

The intention was that whenever we needed time with our dad, we just had to wear the pin to let him know.

I'm pretty sure I was the only kid who thought wearing the pin was cool.
I'm pretty sure I was the only kid who wore it.
And I'm pretty sure I wore it a lot.
I was needy like that.

Well, last night my dad let me know in his own little way that he needed "twenty".
I was honored and delighted.
I love him.
And I love that he was needy too.

And so this morning in St. Louis, we set out to go to breakfast at this place:


And we were SO excited (how cute is my dad for playing along. Cute, right? And don't judge my "self portrait" skills. 6'7" dads are super hard to take self-portraits with.)

But, then, the excitement left. And we were sad (again, Dad totally knew the importance of the perfect pic for my blog).

Because of this...

So, we found another place for breakfast, though not nearly as yummy.
But, the yummy-ness didn't matter.
We weren't there for the food.

We were there for the twenty.

And we talked about stuff that was silly.
And stuff that was important...really important...especially for me right now.

And he told me things he hadn't said before.
And I shared things I haven't told anyone.
And we talked.

And we gave each other twenty.
A couple of them, actually.

We were needy like that.

The biggest risk?

I realize that because of the timing of my life right now, posting this is going to seem like I'm trying to say something I'm really not trying to say.

We're not "there" yet.

But, in light of some recent conversations with others and myself (trying to think things through without overthinking...always a challenge for a girl like me), I thought it was timely.

And besides, I've meant to share this ever since Erin's wedding anyway.

I was asked to read the following during the ceremony (and I might have cried a little. I might have.) from The Irrational Season by Madeleine L'Engle

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made.
Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take...
It is indeed a fearful gamble...
Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take...
If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom;
rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent;
into that love which is not possession, but participation...
It takes a lifetime to learn another person...
When love is not possession, but participation,
then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling,
and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.

It is indeed a fearful gamble.
It is indeed a risk.
The biggest risk.

But, I hear it's worth it.

Thoughts?

Shoveling snow & a marriage proposal

Yesterday was one of those days when I had too much time to sit and analyze and evaluate my life.
As a result I started thinking that I couldn't imagine myself actually leaving my life behind and taking the plunge into marriage.

I have days like that.

But today?

We got dumped on here in my little neck of the woods and by the time church was over, I knew I had some serious snow shoveling to do or I'd be hating my driveway and sidewalk tomorrow.
And so I shoveled.

But, I have a single mom to my north and a widow to my south.
So, I can't just shovel my little plot.
Because it seems so unChristian to just worry about me.

And so, I shoveled their plots too.
And it didn't take long into the project to find myself wishing I wasn't a woman in her dress clothes shoveling a bunch of snow.
And then the thought hit me: "If you were married, you might not have to."

And so today, if anyone cares, is a great day to offer a proposal of marriage.
I'm pretty sure I would quickly and easily say "yes".
No analyzing here.

Yep. I think I'd say "yes".

Well, provided you're willing to shovel my snow.
(Oh, and could you do the snow just to the north and south of me too? Thanks.)

Just two white non-democrats

Do you remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine thinks she's dating a black guy?
And he thinks Elaine is Mexican?
And there's something kind of magical about their dating because they think they are an interracial relationship?
But then they find out that they are both just two white people?
And it takes all the fun out of it?

Well...
I've thought, among other things, I was in an interpolitical relationship.
You see, I thought the boy in my life was a democrat.
And finding out he is NOT should be a good thing for a girl like me.
Sure...he's not nearly as conservative as I am.
But, still.
I thought my dating him showed I was so open minded.
Like somehow we were the "James Carville/Mary Matalin" of our generation. (that link is kind of a cute read, btw.)


But, somehow I misunderstood.
And I really don't know how that happened.
Especially with all of the political disagreements we've had.

Sure...he voted for Obama.
(and that should count for something in the "opposites attract" score.)
But, alas.
He is not actually a democrat.

Which means we are just two white non-democrats.
Where's the fun in that?

(PS...it's still fun.)

I love my google reader 2

Because it lets me read
of God's dealings with His children.

I got a little teary when I read this post.
Likely you've had a chance to see God use you.

But my friend Sandra (and I don't even remember how I first found her blog but I'm so glad I did), just has a way of sharing her experiences with God so authentically, that it makes me more committed to live a spirit-filled life.
Just. like. her.
(Oh, and I just remembered how I found it. It was recommended on my google reader one day and I LOVED the name of her blog and clicked through and added her right away.)

I love knowing there are other good Christian women out there.
And Sandra is one of the finest I've never (grin) met.
(and she's a great reviewer of books in the Christian market too!)

[sigh]

I go to bed early.
I just feel better when I do.
And I don't even mind if people think that makes me old.

I'm okay with that.

But, tonight, I can't quite shut down this brain of mine (I think it's my brain).

It's been such a good day full of such good things.
It started well.
And just ended even better.

And, as great as my life is in so many ways when it's just me and the Lord?

Yeah, it's pretty darn great when it's not just the two of us too.
Pretty. darn. great.

There really might be something to this whole "tis the season to believe" thing.
Yep...there might be.

[sigh]

Inspired Introspection

Upon the announcement of the death of philopher Truman G. Madsen, I was introduced to a little fairly unknown work of his: The Sacrament: Feasting at the Lord's Table. The Sacrament is basically a collection of short "stand alone" essays discussing all aspects of the holy ordinance.

And I've spent nearly every Sunday for the past several months, reading and studying an essay during the administration of the sacrament.

It's helped me focus.
It's helped me worship.
It's helped me change.

And after today's essay, I better understand why.

From the essay entitled "Inspired Introspection":
In his sacrament--and in all of the other ordinances--the Lord gives us glimpses of ourselves. In self-examination we are most blessed when we begin to see ourselves as we are seen by him and know ourselves as we are known by him (D&C 76:94). Knowledge of the Savior and self-knowledge flow together. "Let a man examine himself," Paul counseled (1 Corinthians 11:28)...

One might expect a study of the Savior might make one more aware of one's failings and shortcomings.
And this has.
But, instead of that having a negative impact on me, it's helped me feel more connected to He who can help me overcome both.

And that connection has deepened my resolve to be better.
It's strengthened my commitment to change.
It's given me a peace and security and confidence I'm not sure I've known before.

I'm seeing myself differently because I'm seeing Him differently.
And one of the things I'm seeing is how He sees me.

Inspired Introspection.

I love my google reader

Because it lets me read
brilliance like this.
I loved this post.
I love her blog.
(and her name is Laurel too...how fun is that?)

I think blogging was one of the best inventions.

And I think I'm going to pick things to highlight more often.
There's some great stuff out there.
And it deserves to be read.

Baby, it's cold outside

So, the day after Thanksgiving, we drove to Idaho City.
It was prettier than I would've thought.


Why doesn't I-84 take people through all the prettiest parts of Idaho? Why?


It was COLD...but
It was the kind of rustic mining town you could easily fall in love with.







And. I. did.

If I was a movie critic, I'd give it 5 stars

I can't say enough about The Blind Side.
Everything about it just made me happy (including the boy I saw it with).
It's the PERFECT holiday movie.
Great "feel good" flick.
Excellent date night because it's "football" meets "chick flick".

Sandra Bullock was fantastic.
Tim McGraw? Hello.
And the kid that plays Michael Oher? Brilliant.

Two enthusiastic thumbs up and if I had more thumbs, I'd stick them up too.
Please go see it. We need to support anything good like this that comes out of Hollywood.

(Btw, I had one of my best Thanksgiving weekends ever.
Ever.
More. to. come.)

Day. Of. Thanks.

Don't you wonder what COULD happen if the world truly united in prayer on this day of Thanksgiving?

Let's not wonder.
Let's just do it.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Say a prayer.

(and Happy Birthday, Grandpa. I miss you.)

A happy little girl

At a very young age, I remember knowing God was there.
I knew He loved me.
I knew He was watching me.
(In fact, I remember getting dressed in the closet so he wouldn't see me naked. That's how close we were.)

I was one happy little girl.

And though life at times made me question every bit of that.
And though I've sometimes acted like I forgot those truths.

I knew it then.
I know it now.
And we're still that close.

I know He's there.
I know He loves me.
I know He's watching me.

And I'm one happy little girl.

The line between good & evil

I saw it Sunday night when, right before the 10 o'clock news, I turned on the TV to watch the last few minutes of the American Music Awards.

Adam Lambert (most recent American Idol runner-up) was "performing".
I use that word loosely.

I caught maybe 3 minutes of the most deviant song I think I've ever heard.
What I witnessed was an affront to life...to anything sacred...
I had the feeling in my heart I was seeing godlessness.
Celebrated.

Adam says he owes no one an apology.
He says it was artistic expression.
Those who defend him have said, "the culture over here is much too prudish and wishy washy. This was one of the most positive things that could have been done on national television."

I have no words for that.

But, I have thought about it for two days and I do feel compelled to share these words:
(The warning)
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;...

(The promise)
But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and has been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them;
And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
That the man of God may be perfect.

At the risk of sounding dramatic, there is a war and it is waging.
The world is trying to blur the line between good and evil.

But it has never been more clear.
Never.

(kudos to Good Morning America for cancelling Adam's appearance tomorrow morning.)

I stink at give-aways. How fun!

THANKS for participating in the Thanksgive-away.

And even though you didn't all follow the rules (rule breakers),
I loved reading what YOU are thankful for.

I thought maybe I should list a few.
This is what I wrote on Sunday when I asked myself that question.

I AM THANKFUL FOR...
-my job and the fact that I know it's a gift
-my independence AND my dependence (I'm confusing like that)
-my family and that they claim me
-prayer. enough said.
-GNO and my other dearest friends on the planet.
-the boy in my life right now
-music
-laughter. and that I do it hard and well. I don't even mind my "betty rubble" laugh
-Mac Wilberg (and that might be odd but I will always be grateful to him for his moving arrangement of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". I wonder if he's grateful for ME?)

And now...
What I've learned from doing this give-away is that I STINK at give-aways.
One person?
Just one winner?
How is that fair?

SO...I picked several.
I'm a sucker like that.

I did a random sort based on what you wanted (so if you were the only one to pick that thing, well you were lucky) and then picked a number (kind of like in M*A*S*H...did you ever play that game? you now where you go back and forth until you get to the number? Trust me...it worked.) and the WINNERS ARE:

JULIE gets Christmas Jars Reunion

FREEFAM WORLD gets Saying It Like It Is (signed & everything!)

HEIDI gets Christmas Once Again

JILL & TAMI get lunch (hee.hee. but seriously. let's do it!)

LAURA & TURLEYBENSON get LYFSGUD just cuz I think it's cute you wanted it and I have a few extra copies

AMANDER gets Ring Christmas Bells cd

And the rest of you who didn't pick anything specific...well...pick something next time (grin).
Seriously, thanks for playing. I kind of feel like Santa Claus tonight.

(Please email me with your mailing address to claim your winnings. HOW FUN!)

'Tis the season to...

And I'm determined to do just that.

Last Monday when my mom and sister were here, we watched one of my all-time favorite movies:(I cry every time George says, "Atta boy, Clarence.")

And then we decorated my treeWhat is it about sitting near a lit-up Christmas tree?
It's like all the world is a Jane Austen novel. And you can't help but feel like good things are about to happen.Maybe because they are.It's going to be a great Christmas.

I believe it.

After all...'tis the season!

God, Dads, and their little girls

A couple of days ago, the following conversation actually took place on Yahoo Messenger:

zadalouise: Okay, Dad
if you can see this
mover your cursor to the box at the bottom
and type, "I love you, my girl!"
and then either move your cursor to the "send" box right there on the right and "click"
OR
just hit return
then I will say,
"ah...thanks, dad! I love you too!"
then you will say, "Just thinking about you this morning and hope you have a great day"
and I will say, "you too!"
and then you will close out of chat right before you take care of ALL the things you have to do today
and I will have a smile on my little heart all day.
Brent Christensen: i love you my girl
zadalouise: ah...thanks, dad! I love you too!

Now, some of you might think whoever that "zadalouise" girl is needy with a capital "N".
And, okay, maybe she is a little.

But that very night I was speaking to a chapel full of young women and their parents. And right before I stood to speak, a couple of fathers were asked to say something to honor the recognition of their daughters.
And it. was. sweet.

As I looked around, I noticed that very few of the girls in the chapel were sitting next to their dads. Some didn't have Dads there. But, most did.

And so, when I stood up, something overcame me and I said this:

"If you're here with your Dad but you're not sitting next to him, will you move right now so you are?"
There were a few awkward glances and some giggles.
I saw some Dads shift their bodies uncomfortably.
Not too sure about this.
I saw a girl roll her eyes.
(Who knows what happened in that home before leaving to come to this meeting?)
I watched one dad get up from the back bench (he had come in late) and walk all the way up to the front to join his daughter in the front row.

Within seconds, all the dads were sitting by their daughters.

And then I said, "You girls who get to be here with your dads are blessed tonight. There are girls here who WISH they could be. Enjoy it."

"But you dads? I hope you know how important you are to your daughters. It is my belief that much of how they feel about God, their Father in Heaven and much of how they think He feels about them, is because of YOU. Don't ever underestimate how much you matter to us. How much you effect us. And how much we need you."

And then the rest of the time I spent with them, I gave the message I would normally give...but it did something to me to see these dads with their arms around their daughters. Experiencing it together. And I could tell it was doing something for those girls. And then...I watched it do something for those dads.

One even came up afterwards. He said, "I needed to be sitting by my daughter tonight. Thank you." I think they just needed an excuse to connect.

God is a Father.
In fact, He is mine.

And though I can see ways throughout my life He says, "I love you."
And though I can feel that love in so many ways.
Sometimes a girl just needs her Dad to represent that love.
To put his arm around.
To help her feel safe.
To tell her she's smart.
Or cute.
Or good.

And I don't even mind telling my dad that I need that when I need it.
Sometimes I tell God that too.
I'm needy like that.

"I love you, kiddo."

That's what Jimmy B said to me at the end of our conversation tonight. We've played phone tag for a couple of weeks but he finally got me tonight.

And it was great to reconnect.

We talked for more than an hour.
He has his 7th grade yearbook where I wrote (with a triangle for an exclamation point, he was quick to point out):
"To a real sweet and cute guy: You're a great friend! And just remember if there are no girls in your new school who like you [he was moving after that year. i was devastated], there are lots here who do. Love ya! Laurel"
Apparently we had an inside joke about Tinkerbell too because I put that in the P.S.
Yep, I was smoooooth back then.

We talked about what we've both done in the last 25 years.
He said he was proud of me. That what I'm doing is special. That I'm making an impression on a lot of young lives. That my story makes him feel good. He told me to be "damn proud" (direct quote) of what I'm doing with my life.

And then he said: "I don't remember doing it but I believe I did because I know who I am and how I feel about people." (I loved that.)

I'm going to be in his city next Spring for one of our events and he wants to get together. "We need to go on a date," said Jimmy B.

Seriously.

When I think about that 13 year old girl.
How she felt.
What she thought...about herself.
The impact 13 yr old Jimmy had on her.
Tonight was pretty sweet.

He wrapped up the call by saying something like, "I know we're just not reconnecting and getting things going but I want you to know you can count on me. If you ever need anything, Jimmy B is there for you. I mean it."

His language was a little colorful.
He might have been drinking earlier tonight.
Our lives are in completely different places.
But none of that matters.

Because, when push comes to shove, life is made up of moments and decisions and interaction and impacts.
And that's what really matters.

We are here to bless each others' lives and help each other along.
Jimmy B blessed mine.
I'd love to try and bless his.

"I love you, kiddo."
"I love YOU, Jimmy B."

Happy Thanksgive-away!

I'm in the holiday mood today.
I am.

It's early.
But, I put up my Christmas tree yesterday.
I got Christmas flowers from a boy.
I have plans for Thanksgiving that I'm excited about.

And so....

We're having a Thanksgive-away.

And it's easy.

First, go DeseretBook.com
Find anything you want that has a current price UNDER $25.

Then, comment below with just one thing you are THANKFUL for (and saying you are thankful for ME won't help you win so don't even try it. Saying you are thankful for the boy who sent me flowers however MIGHT...grin.).

Then tell me what gift you chose.

Really.
It's THAT easy.

One lucky winner will be selected on Monday, November 23rd.

So...what ARE you thankful for?

Oh, and if you are wondering what I would recommend, I'd suggest any of the following:
The new Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas (dvd or cd)
The newest book from Chris Stewart
Hilary Weeks' amazing new Christmas cd (sounds as good as it looks!)
One of the sweetest Christmas stories of all time (well, except for the original of course.)
One of my very favorite quote books (and it will be signed by the author and personalized if you so choose.)

Happy heart

That's kind of the only way to really describe how I feel tonight.

It's been an incredible (though tiring) couple of days.
I've felt loved.
I've been blessed.
I've seen the Lord's hand.
I've trusted my heart.

I have a great job. I really do.
And this past weekend was the culmination of an incredible TOFW tour.

And though I don't see things coming to a halt, they will slow down for a couple of months.

Just a little bit.
Just enough to enjoy a little more of this:

I have a boy who is still sending flowers.(he knew I was putting up my Christmas tree today and wanted to help get the holiday started...how cute is that?!?)

And he also sent these:(You have to love a boy who encourages chocolate...especially the fancy kind, right?)

Yep.
A boy.
A real live honest to goodness good-to-the-core, totally-gets-me, going-at-the-perfect-pace boy.
And he makes my heart happy.
And I'm grateful for the next couple of months.

And I think I'm almost ready to talk more about him.

Almost.

Um, I'm his girl...just so you know

So...do we remember Jimmy B? (of course we do).
Let's just remember I was 13 when I had my crush on him.
And, so 13 year old Laurel has something to share...

So, like earlier today Jimmy B totally sent me a message on like facebook.

And like he totally said he'd love to touch base with me and like totally gave me his digits (home AND cellular).

I might have noticed a few months ago that he wasn't like "in a relationship" anymore. I might have noticed that. So, like he's like "single" now. And I keep thinking I should change my status TO "in a relationship" but I'm like totally not quite the kind of girl to do that so like right now, it says I'm single too. Well, because I am. Like.

Well, like I totally thought that was so cool and like totally called two of my bfs Erin and Tam to tell them and everything. Cuz it's like crazy that he would want me to call him, right?

Well, then, like tonight, he totally wrote on my wall (that's facebook jargon for those of you not familiar) and said (and I totally quote):
"Your my girl! I'm dying to hear the story!...Let's see! At least come to Indy and we can hook up! Jimmy B is looking to reunite!!!!"

And like he totally used four exclamation points and everything. I didn't make that up. And like he really was the coolest guy at South Oldham Middle School. And smart too. And, well, I don't totally know what "hook up" means but I've heard it's good.

So, yeah.

I'm like Jimmy B's "girl".
Totally.

(I seriously giggled the whole drive to St. George tonight and thought it was SUCH a victory for 13 yr old Laurel. Tragic when I have to tell him I'm dating someone because...well...like...it's Jimmy B! I still heart him. I really really do. Maybe I should change my facebook "relationship status" because surely this means we're "going out". This is at least the equivalent of being asked to prom, right? ...can I get an "amen" Tammy?)

In place of my fears

A couple of years ago, Tammy gave me this little 3x5 card:I was trying to open my heart to a new relationship and it was scary to me. And I probably spent way too much time worrying about the outcome.

As it turned out, "it" turned out just like I worried it would.
Just like I feared it would.

Self-fulfilling prophecy?
Or just the way it was meant to be?

I know now it was the way it was "meant to be".

But, I've been thinking about faith a lot lately.
More specifically, it's role in the outcome of my life.
And not just random "faith in Laurel" but real deeply-rooted faith...in the Lord.
I thought about it yesterday as I spent some time in the temple.
And I was thinking about it this morning as I knelt in morning prayer.

But something happened when I started to pray this morning.
My spirit took over.
Does that ever happen to you?
You know, when you start praying in a way you didn't mean to...or haven't before. It's like my little spirit said, "could we please get to the heart of the real issue here?"

And the next thing I knew I was presenting my "I fear" list to the Lord.
I didn't even know I had one.

But, once I started, it just kept coming.
I acknowledged out loud...to HIM...all the things I fear.
And not just in my current situation, but in life in general.
It was an awakening for me.
No wonder I struggle with faith at times.
And I realized that as I gave those fears (some of them more deeply-rooted than my faith) a voice.
I put them out there.

It was cleansing.
It was liberating.

And then, it was faith-building.

I felt, in a way I haven't before, a desperate need for faith.
Knowing that ONLY FAITH can overcome those fears.
And knowing that the kind of faith I need can only come through the help of Heaven,
I was more aware of my desperate need for Him.

A desperate need for HIM...
...in place of my fears.

Liberating.

"I sought the Lord,
and he heard me,
and delivered me
from all my fears."
Psalm 34:4

A Heart Like His. A heart like his.

One of my most favorite people on the planet is Virginia Hinckley Pearce.
(My blog search feature isn't working so I can't find the post when I first talked about her.)
She's delightful in every way.
She wrote one of my favorite books, A Heart Like His: Making Space for God's Love in Your Life
And last Saturday morning the love of her life passed away.

I attended the funeral today of Virginia's husband, James Richard McGhie Pearce. It was a beautiful (and only 1 hour long! I love Ginny's sensibility.) service. President Monson was the concluding speaker.
It was all really a wonderful tribute to a good-to-the-core man.
It was also a wonderful tribute to the blessings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

And it was a wonderful reminder of what is most important.

Each of their six children took just a minute or two to highlight a quality of their dad. And two of the qualities stuck out to me the most.

Consistent.
Jim was consistent in his faith and in his living. I loved what one of his daughters said, "Dad taught us that paced consistent effort will get you where you want to go."
I know that might be a simple concept but for some reason it struck me as the most brilliant statement.
Something I needed to hear.
Something I need to live.

Empathetic.
Jim had a heart that gave freely to others. One of his daughters said that he was not concerned with position or status. She remembers that her dad did not ever need to be the center of attention. When at a gathering, he was often found in a corner talking to his father-in-laws security guard or seeking out the single mom at the church event. I personally know Jim to be the man who, when he said, "How are you?" really really meant it.

He was a good man.
He had a good heart.

And I know that when Virginia wrote A Heart Like His, she was talking about God.
And I definitely want a heart like God's.
I also know that will take a lifetime.

So after today, I'd settle for becoming just a little more like Jim.
I'd be happy for a heart like his.

A Sabbath just for me

It was just before ten when I asked the concierge at the hotel if by any chance he knew where the closest LDS chapel was. I had forgotten the directions at home and the battery in my laptop was dead.

I knew the meeting started at 10:00.
And I just wanted to take the Lord's sacrament.
I've not missed it very many times in the last few years.
I'm a bit obsessed, I guess.
I know my week goes better when I renew my covenants.
And I didn't want to miss my chance.

He was gone for much too long.

When he came back he said, "I don't think you want to go to this building. It's not in a good part of town."

"If there's a Mormon chapel there, I'll be fine."

It was a rough part of town. I was certain I wasn't going to find an LDS chapel there. But I did.
And as soon as I saw it, I knew I was fine.

I walked in just as they finished passing the sacrament.
I had missed it.

But, it was the primary program day...the Sunday when the children provide the messages and music for the service.
And this congregation had children of every color and nationality.
I sat there and cried.
It was beautiful.

A cute girl up on the stand was struggling to stay focused and participate. Her tired mom (and probably primary teacher) finally took her out. And as they left the chapel, the cute little girl just kept screaming, "I don't want to miss my part! I don't want to miss my part!"

A few minutes later, a very tired mom re-entered with her little girl in tears.

And she had missed her part.

The mom sat there with her daughter. Now they were both crying.
An inspired chorister, right before the program ended, motioned for the little girl to come to the podium.

The chorister knew what that little girl wanted. She knew why the little girl had come back into the chapel. And in the moment, the primary program was just for her.

But the little girl was crying.
And she couldn't get the words our of her mouth.

Still in tears, the little girl went running back to her seat and ran into the arms of her mother. But, her wise (but tired and crying) mom mouthed, "You did it! You did your part!"

The little girl's face lit up. She gave her mom a "high five."
Her mom told her she had done her part and that was enough for her.

I loved what I witnessed.

At the end of the meeting, the man sitting next to me (who knew I had come to partake of the sacrament but had missed it) said, "Just a minute". He went and talked to the bishop and the next thing I knew, I was going into a little room off the chapel with a couple of the Priesthood and a 17 year old boy named Deondre.

Deondre blessed the bread.
Just for me.
I partook and renewed my covenants.
Then Deondre blessed the water.
Just for me.
I partook and renewed my covenants.

That good man knew what I wanted. He knew why I had come.
And he helped me...and I was crying.
In the moment, the Sacrament was literally just for me.

Not only was it a good part of town; it was exactly where I needed to be yesterday.
I loved my inner-city Kansas City Sabbath.
It seemed it was just for me.

Things. Work. Out.

One of my favorite sayings of Gordon B. Hinckley was:

"Things will work out."

I subscribe to that philosophy because I think it's the right philosophy to have. Even in moments when I don't believe it, I still subscribe to the philosophy.

But, today?

Today, I don't just subscribe to it.
Today I know it.

I won't bore you with the details of the last 24 hours in my work and personal life (yes, in spite of my current calendar, I still try to have one.) but suffice it to say, the Lord has shown me once again the HE is in charge. He is.

And things work out.
They will.
They do.
They have.

Exactly as He means for them too.

(Want to enjoy President Eyring's talk from President Hinckley's funeral? Read it here.)

Help for life's blind spots

A couple of weeks ago as I was pulling out onto the first main street off of the street my house is on (was there an easier way to say that? I feel like there was.), I nearly t-boned a car.

I was so embarrassed.

I didn't know how it happened but I was certain I just wasn't paying attention. Maybe I hadn't looked both ways. "Laurel!" I yelled at myself.

I knew it was a close call.

Well, this morning, I got to that same stop sign cross street and I looked both ways.
I know I did.

And as I pulled out, I heard the loud horn.
The man swerved.
He yelled at me through his rolled up window.
All I could do was mouth, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

He pulled away and I sat there dumbfounded.
I looked both ways.
I KNOW I did.
But, I almost hit him.

Blind spots.
We all have them.

And now I know where one spot literally is in my driving and I need to be more careful when I approach that area. For some reason, in a single moment in time, at a particular place on the street, I cannot see what is actually there.

One site (in fact, there's a cool little demo there that shows you your blind spots) describes a blind spot as "a place pretty much in the middle of what you can see where you can't see."

What you CAN see where you CAN'T see.
Interesting, isn't it?

Tonight after talking to a friend, I experienced a little bit of an awakening as I started thinking about the blind spots in my life.

Sometimes I see things that aren't there...and sometimes I don't see what is.

And what's a girl to do then?

"...the Spirit speaketh truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls." (Jacob 4:13)

I don't know what else to do about the blind spot on the road by my house.
But, it's nice to know there is help for the blind spots in my life.

A Google Reader Proposal?

Are you kidding me?

Does anyone else read Bakerella (I know...but someday I'll be home with my kids and I'll be looking for cute baking projects, right?)

Did you see this?

I think if a proposal showed up on my google reader, I'd freak out.

Oh, I loved this. My inner Jane Austen has been satisfied.

(and she said "yes"...yes, I'm the dork that read all the comments to find that out.)

Photo "stolen" from Bakerella.

There is power in believing

I BELIEVE...

-My Heavenly Father loves me

-My Heavenly Father needs me

-My Heavenly Father talks to me

-It's never to late to say "I'm sorry"

-Part of the process of becoming is going back to where I started

-Good will always prevail

-Every day is a new day for change

-Faith is needed to overcome all obstacles. ALL of them.

-I can do anything. ANYTHING.

-God has me right where He wants me

-I don't always live according to my beliefs. But, I still believe.

I believe.

I believe.

I believe.

And there is power in believing.

The message that changed a life

I was talking to a certain boy tonight.
I responded to something he said.
Said he, "Um, did you even hear what I just said?"

(oops. I so hadn't. I mean, in fairness, I was driving...so my attentions were elsewhere...but I can't even say my attentions were there. You see, sometimes I don't listen.)

I tried to act like I had. Even repeated what I thought he'd said.
He laughed. "You don't listen."

And he's kind of right.
I HEAR...but sometimes I don't listen.

That point was made again when I got home.
(Yes, God is THAT good.)

I just opened my mail to find a letter from a friend in Washington. She wanted to tell me how her life was changed by a message she heard back in February. She actually said the message changed her life. And so, of course, I read the letter with great interest.

This self-proclaimed "40 year old wife, mother of 2 amazing teenage boys, veteran half marathon runner, confident college student, eventual registered nurse, courageous daughter of God" was so inspired by this message that she has since trained for and run a half marathon.

She and her friends even made t-shirts with a phrase from this message for their race. She enclosed pictures.

And then, she decided if she could do the half marathon, she could finally fulfill another life dream of attending college and becoming a nurse.

Her life really has changed.

As I read what she heard and the impact it had on her, I found myself wishing I had heard the message too.

Recently the message she heard (that has now been given more than a dozen times and is probably much more refined than when she first heard it) was actually recorded with the hopes that it would reach more people and bless more lives.

But...

Who could have known the person who maybe most needed to listen to the message was the person who was giving it?

That person is me.

The reality is, there are truths I believe...deeply. And in the moment I am sharing them, they fill my entire soul. And I'll hear myself say something and I know it didn't come from me. But it sounds familiar. And I know it's because I'm saying something that my spirit has always known. And I'm even hearing it...but clearly I'm not always listening.

This woman had this incredible experience being changed by a message she heard come out of my mouth. That is overwhelming to me.

But also a little disheartening.

Because that message doesn't appear to have had that same impact on me.
And yet, I've heard it more than a dozen times.

I heard...but I wasn't listening.

But, tonight...
Tonight I listened to a message.
And it came from a self-proclaimed "40 year old wife, mother of 2 amazing teenage boys, veteran half marathon runner, confident college student, eventual registered nurse, courageous daughter of God".

And her message changed a life.

Mine.

Thanks to YOU...& Gilda Radner

Thanks for "getting it".

It is indeed a fearful thing to go into unknown territory especially when you love your current plot of land so much.

This isn't about the Lord's timing.
(I finally surrendered to that a few years ago.)
But, it MIGHT be about surrendering to His will...it just might be.
(I haven't figured that part out yet.)

But, in the midst of your comments/emails/wisdom (I heart you. I really do.), I also found this gem from Gilda Radner:

"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."

Who knew Ms. Radner could wax so philosophical?

She's right, you know.
(That's what "just around this corner" is supposed to be all about, yes?)

And I'm doing it.
Thanks to...you.

Here's to being the girl somewhere in the middle.

What about that girl?

This is one of those posts that you go back and forth on.
In the middle of a late night at the office.
Should I post?
Should I not?
What's my motive?
Will it help someone?
Can someone help me?
Do I just need to shell out money for therapy?

Yep.
One of those.

I don't care what anyone says.
You don't get to be 37 and single by having a series of successful healthy relationships.
You just don't.

And those series of not-so-successful or not-so-healthy relationships do something to you.
They just do.

And I'm trying so hard to look inside myself and figure out what got me where I am and what I need to do differently to get to somewhere else.
But, man, it's hard.

And I'm trying so hard to trust the process and let it be what it is.
But, that's hard too.

You see...
at some point, a girl either bemoans the fact that she isn't married and just focuses on that...or gets going with her life and just focuses on that.
And it's hard to be somewhere in the middle.
It just is.
But, a girl's got to find the middle.

And, I don't appear to do the "in the middle" very well.
And I refuse to be the girl who bemoans.
So, where does that leave a girl like me?

A girl who really wants to experience a family.
A girl who really wants to get outside herself.
A girl who really loves what she feels called to do.
A girl who wants to know someone else needs her.
A girl who sometimes can't wait to be a "we".

But also...
A girl who has become fiercly independent.
A girl who's often content to be an "we" with God.
A girl who got that way through a few broken hearts.
A girl who sometimes waits for the rug to be pulled out from under her.
And a girl who fears taking a risk and being wrong.

What about that girl?
Where does this leave her?

[taking a deep breath as I hit "publish post"]

Where I was. Where I am.

I think my favorite thing about General Conference time is the opportunity (i.e. invitation) for personal assessment.

When I look at where I was last April...
Where I am this October...

Where my heart was.
Where my heart is.

Where my mind was.
Where my mind is.

Where my focus was.
Where my focus is.

Where my body was.
Where my body is.

Where my spirit was.
Where my spirit is.

In many ways, I am further along.
In other ways, I've taken a few steps back.

And while it's tempting to be discouraged by that,
that's part of the process, right?
I'm not the only one who makes progress in some areas while lacking progress in others, am I?

But, the messages for me today...
for where I am RIGHT NOW...

Love.
Love better and deeper and more honestly.

Live.
Live stronger and happier and and more faithfully.

Serve.
Period.

Because where I was, for good and for bad, is not where I am.
And I want to know that I'm better off 6 months from now.
That I've learned to LOVE a little better and LIVE a little stronger and SERVE.
Period.

And that is where I am.
Today.

(and yes, the "3 words" shows President Monson's influence on me. It's very contagious.)

A little excited

I was in the studio yesterday to record this:
And, as always, I hope the content is as good as the cover design.

I know, right?

(to be released early 2010.)

NOTE TO MY NEW FRIEND JENNIFER FROM AZ that I formally met tonight at Ladies Night in SLC: Please email me so I can get you and your husband a copy. This has the "Blackberry Story".

Thank you, Eric Werth.

Because without YOU, there would have been no this:
Or any of this:Thank you for loving...adoring...one of the most important people in my life. When you kissed her on the neck after the ceremony was over? Yeah...I loved that.

Simply put?
You.
Da.
Man.

(More pics of the weekend to come. Promise.)

A reminder that LYFSGUD

It's been a rough week.

And then today, at 5:05 p.m. when I wanted to be done with work?
Well, I got a little something something in the mail.
From one of my favorite people (and one of the many Erins I know).

It made me happy.
And reminded me that Life IS good.
Thanks, Erin!

My Yom Kippur

Yesterday was Yom Kippur.
Did you know that?

For those of you not as fascinated by the Jewish faith as I am, Yom Kippur means "Day of Atonement". Most consider it the most important holiday and most holy day of the Jewish year. It is a day set aside to "afflict the soul" and to repent of the sins of the last year.

Yesterday, though I didn't intend to,
I observed Yom Kippur.

The details are not important (nor do I have the energy to share them), but I made a huge mistake. A biggie. And it caused grief for someone I love and respect very much. Which, in turn, caused intense grief for me.

It was the kind of mistake you can't take back and can't make right.
And I was in turmoil last night.
And, just like in the actual observance of Yom Kippur, I spent some time in "intensive prayer".

The consequences will not rectify themselves overnight. I will deal with certain portions of the effects for days and weeks to come.

And that is hard.

But, here is what I learned (or was reminded of) on this most holy of holidays:
- God hears my prayers.
- God knows my heart.
- God makes things right.
(Oh, and the boy in my life right now handled talking me through this perfectly. Yes, he did. I was impressed...and grateful.)

But the most important thing I learned?

Well, that would be the one truth that is missing from the traditional Yom Kippur.

And that is that Jesus Christ...
"hath born our griefs and carried away our sorrows...
he was wounded for our transgressions [and our mistakes]...
and with his stripes [I] am healed." (Isaiah 53)

Not just on Yom Kippur.
But Every. Single. Day.

Yes, yesterday was Yom Kippur.
But, so was today.

And tomorrow will be too.
Did you know that?

[one of] Heavenly Father's favorite

I think I've talked about this before...

that as a young girl I just knew...I KNEW...I was Heavenly Father's favorite.
I knew He knew me.
I knew He loved me.
And I might have thought He loved me best.

There was a time in my life when I didn't believe this anymore.
I didn't just believe it wasn't true.
I knew...way down deep it couldn't be true.

I felt distanced.
Left behind.
Forgotten.
by Him.

Those were dark days. And they were real days.
I will never ever forget where I was when those days started.
Or where I was when I began to see light again.

It was during that time that I was reconnected with a picture of myself at about the age of 8. And that picture was a lifeline.
It was a reminder to me of the girl I once was.
The woman I hoped to be.
It was a picture of me when I KNEW...KNEW...
that I was indeed Heavenly Father's favorite.I'm a really bad photo scanner. I know there is a better way to show this picture but this will have to do for now. This picture sits framed on my desk at work. I have another copy in my home. I can't tell you how many times I've looked at that girl. Reconnected with that girl.

I wish you could see the smile on her face and the light in her little eyes.
I love that her older sisters are behind her and she's not tagging along behind them.
I love the way she's walking down the streets of San Francisco like she could do anything.
And of course she could,
She was, afterall, Heavenly Father's favorite.

Well, on Monday, I was in San Francisco again.

We found the street.
My sister Heather played along.

Can you see the smile on my face and the light in my eyes?
Can you see that I'm walking down the streets of San Francisco like I can do anything?
And of course I can.
I am, afterall, [one of] Heavenly Father's favorite.

(BTW, if you really want to understand how I feel about this topic...and the power of young women believing this truth about themselves, it's in my little book. I'd include it here but I'm not smart enough to scan that either...)

(more San Fran pictures to come after Erin's wedding...I'm getting on a plane.)

I don't want to end up married...

...to me.

(BTW, this post is being written whilst waiting for my emissions & inspection. thanks to the few of you who tried to figure out how to help me with that. you know who you are and i love you for it.)

I've jokingly said many times that if I am going to spend time being single, I'm glad I get to spend time with me.

Now, that is not to say there are not things I want to change about me.
I have plenty of things to work on.

But, for the most part...
I kind of get a kick out of myself.
I'm comfortable with who I am (I think I should send that statement to my therapist. She'd be proud to see how far I've come.)
I like the things I like.
I'm willing to do what I want to do...I'm incredibly selfless that way. (yes, that's what I meant to say.)
Pretty much, I'm a good match for me.

And so, it was an interesting thought when someone suggested that even though I might think I do (or act like I do), I don't actually want to marry...me.

But, I kind of thought I was supposed to.

You see, I've heard the phrase "equally yoked" most of my life. I've understood the importance of being equally yoked in marriage. But, I've interpreted that phrase incorrectly.

I thought EQUAL meant SAME.
But, it doesn't.

When oxen are equally yoked (and of course I know this from my days as a farmer), they are balanced in their workload. Together, they get done what needs to get done. One of them might be better going uphill. One might be better going down. One might pay attention to what's ahead. One might just keep his head down and plow through. But, if they are yoked and equally taking on their responsibility, they are a team.

An equal team.

A balanced team.

I've finally started to see that I don't need someone just like me.
Yea, verily, I don't even want someone just like me.
Not anymore.

Because, I think I've finally figured out that my "perfect match" and I wouldn't actually be "equally yoked".
If we were the same, his strengths would be my strengths.
His weaknesses would be my weaknesses.
And I don't want that.
Even more, I don't need that.

I need someone who balances me.

So, maybe instead of ME, I need someone who is...
reserved when I'm talkative.
grinning, when I'm laughing out loud.
saying "fine" when I'm saying "great".
being patient when I'm freaking out.
okay behind the scenes when I'm out in front.
being kind when I'm biting my tongue.
being liberal when I'm being conservative (or at least THINKING he's liberal until I help him realize he's conservative.)

Yep, that's probably just what I need.

Who knew I wouldn't want to end up married to me?
I guess I just have to hope that eventually someone else will.
Eventually.

Oops. Was that sexist?

Dear Anonymous:

I probably am a sexist.
Contrary to my current lifestyle, I'm pretty traditional.
I think I'd wear pearls in the kitchen.
I'm not a "feminist" by current definitions.
That is for sure.

I think a wife DOES help her partner get life organized.
I don't think a husband would WANT the task of organizing "Miss Laurel's life".

But, I'd be willing to find out for myself.
If you know someone who is interested in the position, let me know.

Let's go to lunch...whoever you are.

Oh, and just for the rest of you wives who I might have offended--
(as indicated by a few emails this morning...I'm SO SORRY.)

I promise I get it's not all about renewing car registrations.
I promise I know that you're all just not taking care of the "to do" lists for the family.
I promise that I know it's not just time for running and going to see a movie in the middle of the day.
I promise that I get that you have your own list of things to do that never get done.
I have NO DOUBT that being a wife (and mother especially) is a lot of work.

But, someday when I know for myself...
I'd like to think my hubby won't ever have to worry about renewing the registration.
and I'll be in charge of the "to do" list.
and I'll make time for running and movies in the middle of the day.
and I'll laugh at my own list that never gets done.
and I'll be grateful that being a wife is a lot of work.

In the meantime, I was serious...
anyone want to get my car registered for me?
(oh, and just to be clear, I'd be PERFECTLY HAPPY to let my husband do this too.)

What a way to start a day

I know...I know...
But it's not what you think.

Now, don't get me wrong.
I have GREAT love and appreciation for those who protect us.
I also watched CHIPS while growing up and had a huge crush on Larry Wilcox (the blonde one).

So, overall, I totally dig cops on motorcylces.

But, I've been SO good lately about driving the speed limit (no, really, I have) and so when he pulled up behind me with his lights flashing (yes, this is the actual picture of the actual flashing lights this morning), I seriously could not even imagine what the issue was.

Expired registration.

And did you know that if it's been expired for 3 months or more they can (and are supposed to) impound your vehicle on the spot?

I didn't either.

"Shut up!" I said.
"I won't." said the nice officer.

"I can't believe this! I moved last year. I'm sure they mailed me something I never got."
"I actually believe you. And I like you. I like your attitude. I like your license plate. You can keep the car. But, here's a ticket. Get it renewed by the end of the month."

Seriously.
I need a wife.
I can't do all the things I need to do.

I'm not complaining...don't get me wrong.

Grateful to have a job that I love.
I love having people in my life who need me (and who I need).
I like where I'm at.

But, if you knew the week I'd had...
yeah...
there are better ways to start a day.

(anyone want to go get my car registered for me?)

Do SOMETHING

So what do we do?
Anything.
Something.
So long as we just don't sit there.
If we screw it up, start over.
Try something else.
If we wait until we've satisfied all uncertainties,
it may be too late.
-Lee Iacocca

I think this might be my new favorite quote.
At least right now.

Are you just sitting there?
Do SOMETHING.

Here we go...

Between all our events
and a wedding
and another attempt at a publishing deadline
and a certain boy I'm trying to make room for (did I just say that out loud?)

I've got a full calendar ahead and am basically on the road until...at least November 15th.

But, it's all good.
really
really
good.

And we all know I've never been able to stay away from this blog for very long.
So, stay tuned.

PS if by any chance you'll be at any of our events in Boise or Pleasanton or Richmond or Riverside or Kansas City or St. George or Salt Lake City? Make sure to find me & say "hi".

Here we go!

Sometimes the answer is "No"

"Sister, Christensen, how come when we fasted and prayed for my brother Sam, he didn't get better?"

It felt like time stood still.

I was teaching during a combined meeting at church for the children ages 7-11. We were discussing the gospel principle of fasting and prayer. I didn't intend to have a deep philosophical conversation about it and frankly, I was struggling with something deep in my heart...an "unanswered prayer" as it were.

So, I wasn't in the best frame of mind to instill faith in some of God's youngest and most impressionable. In that moment, I couldn't answer Gavin's question. I knew all the "right" answers. But, I didn't have the REAL one.

"Well, Gavin, what do you think?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe you didn't fast long enough?" I heard myself say.

"No, we fasted for a long time."

"Hmmm...maybe you didn't pray hard enough." I responded.

"No, we prayed hard a lot."

"Maybe you didn't really want it." I questioned.

"No, we do. We want him to get better."

"Well, maybe, God isn't listening." I'm sure the other adults in the room were wondering where I was headed with that risky statement. Frankly, I was wondering too.

"No, He is listening. He's always listening." Gavin faithfully replied with a little catch in his voice. Oh, I remember that little catch in his voice.

"Well, Gavin, if you fasted long enough and prayed hard enough and you really want it and God is listening, maybe God just doesn't want Sam to get better."

"No, he has to want Sam to get better. He has to."

It was as if time stood still and as I heard Gavin say those words, I knew in my heart my Father had heard my prayer too...and wanted me to "get better"...he wanted to heal my heart. But, I was at a loss. I stood there paralyzed not sure where this discussion was now going or what I should now say.

"Please, Father. Please." I silently cried out deep in the quiet private spot in my heart. "Please, help Gavin...please help me."

And then my little spirit asked the all important question:
"Can anyone tell us why Sam isn't getting better even though Gavin and his family are fasting and praying?"

Well, that's what came out of my mouth, but my real question was,
"Can someone please tell me why the Lord hasn't answered my plea yet? My heart is breaking. I feel alone. I'm at the edge of my faith. Please...someone..."

And, for as long as I live, I will never forget little 8-year-old Jonathan.

"Sister Christensen?" Jonathan said while raising his hand.
And then, as if speaking for the Lord Himself, Jonathan spoke right to my heart:

"Because sometimes the answer is 'no'."

And in that moment, time DID stand still.
I know it did.
The room froze.
And the spirit infused in my heart a profound truth about my life and God's dealings with me...and His love for me.

"Did you hear that, Laurel?" God seemed to say.
"I heard you. I was listening. I know what you wanted. But it was not to be. And the answer is 'no'. And it doesn't mean I don't love you or that I've left you alone. I've been here all along. You just didn't want 'no' for the answer. And I'm sorry. But, someday you'll see that it's all okay. Someday you'll see. I promise."

When time began again, my spirit stood resolutely before those who were God's youngest and most impressionable and said, "That's right, Jonathan. Sometimes the answer is 'no'."

And then, I cried and looked right at Gavin and shared my simple testimony that
God lives.
He hears every little prayer.
He loves us.
He wants us to be happy.
And sometimes, just like Jonathan said...
Sometimes the answer is "No".

It's been several years since that moment in time.
But, a comment at church this past Sunday brought it all flooding back as if no time had passed at all.

And I found my little heart so grateful for the "no" answers of my past...
...and I will trust in the "yes" answers of my future.

Because sometimes the answer
IS
Yes.

****
A few years ago I shared this experience with my friend Cherie Call, one of my all-time favorite songwriters (and woman). She wrote the song "No" based on that conversation. I think it's brilliant. Take a listen and read all the lyrics.