Intentional Prayer

The effectual
fervent prayer
of a righteous [woman]
availeth much.
James 5:16








effectual [ih-fek-choo-uhl]: capable of producing an intended effect

fervent [fur-vuhnt]: showing great intensity of spirit

I'm amazed at the ways the Lord has used my friends to speak to me.
I could fill volumes just representing the last year alone.

But, this little volume is about a couple of dear friends who are turning 40 with me this year.
These girls are uncommonly good.
One of them suggested that we needed to do something really special.
She arranged for a conference call between the three of us.
I thought she was going to suggest a grand trip we could take together.
Or some "bucket list" item we could complete and cross off.

But, instead...

"I've been thinking a lot about this and I think we need to unite in intentional prayer for each other for the 40 days leading up to our birthdays."

And though the term "intentional prayer" is not really used in the Mormon faith, I'm smart enough to know what it must mean.
And my little heart nearly jumped out of my chest.
I knew this was something I needed to do.

Who does that?
Who thinks to suggest such a thing?

My good, Christian, Godly-devoted friends, that's who.
Oh, how I love them.

We each shared a bit of the things in our hearts and committed to each other to pray...really pray...with real intention.
Effectual.
Fervent.
Prayer.
For 40 days.

I could not be given a better gift for my birthday.
To pray for my friends.
And to know they are praying for me.

My "40 days" starts tomorrow (can you believe 'tis only 40 days?).
(And isn't that a great way to end one year and begin another?)
One of the girls "40 days" already began.
So, we've already been praying for her for a few days.

And what I'm learning about prayer...
...about the significance of the number "40"
...about the power of praying for others...
in just a few days...

Well, let's just say I've got some things to share.
Good things.

Stay tuned.

(image found here)

Wisdom from Candleford

"A man's role is to conquer the world."

"Oh, and what is a woman's role?"

"To love him for it."

-Lark Rise to Candleford, Season 2


I have spent an obscene amount of time this past week with this delightful little series, introduced to me long ago but not able to be truly devoured until this holiday season when I've taken some time off to regroup and refuel (yes, I know that's a really really long sentence).

Now, lest you are tempted to judge, I've also been terribly productive.

I've spent time with friends.
I've worked out.
I've cleaned.
I've planned.
I've spent my Christmas money.
I've done some writing.

But, how can a girl be too terribly productive when there are these bits of wisdom to be enjoyed:

“Tell Ms. Lane how you feel about her before you drive yourself insane with the containment of it.”

“Am I so visible?”

“Just a little.”

“I tell her all of the time. I tell her what an amazing spirit she is. I tell her she is beautiful. I tell her…"

“No, sir. That won’t do. A woman needs to be told how you feel—in clear, plain, unmistakable terms...And if you do, and you mean it, you have to realize that is only the start of it. So...you decide.”

"I am decided."

Were smarter words ever spoken?
Simply delightful.

a letter to my future

(this is a letter I wrote before Christmas, but never posted. Then I received this ohsoperfect gift and felt it was time to hit "publish")

Dear future life:

I caught a glimpse of you last weekend.
It was short.
But, you were running beside me in Snow Canyon (one of the prettiest spots of Southern Utah).
And I saw you...details of you I wasn't expecting to see.

And for all my talk that I'm doing this thing I'm doing just for me?
Well, seeing you made me realize that wasn't entirely true.
I'm doing it for you too.

You've never felt so close.
That probably seems odd to say.
I mean, you're the future.
And you're always the same distance away from today...that's your very definition.

But, right now, somehow, there seems to be less space between us.

When I run, I'm running towards you.
And I guess I'm just hoping I can run fast enough to somehow catch up.

Because what I saw...what I felt...during that run in Snow Canyon with you?

Well, it's everything I've been waiting for.
And now I feel like you're actually waiting too...for me.

So, I just wanted to say "thank you".
For waiting.

I'm coming.

xoxo,
me.

What I'm Giving this Christmas

I feel so behind.
How is it Christmas already?
Seriously.

I mean, I haven't really even gotten any shopping done.
But, last weekend, I made a decision about the most important gift I'll be giving.

Read about it here.


(image found here)

Merry Christmas!

(for the real thing click here). You're welcome!

inexpressible comfort

Oh, the comfort -

the inexpressible comfort
of feeling safe with a person -
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;

certain that a faithful hand

will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness
blow the rest away.
(~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859)


How much do you love that?
Love.
Life is simply better with those kind of people in it.
Simply better.
And I'm blessed to have some.
Truly. Blessed.
xoxo

(image found here)

Life's "Red Sea" Moments

I had one of my sweeter (and perhaps more important) "ah-ha" moments last weekend. I wish I had a way to really articulate what the Lord did for me...
what He taught me...
what He showed me.

I tried to articulate that in my latest blog post for TOFW.com.

You can read it here.

I think when all is said and done, I'm really really grateful for a patient Father who never tires of giving us just what we need.

And I'm also grateful for Elder Holland.

Sometimes I think the Lord had me live on the earth now because He needed Elder Holland to be on the earth now...and, well, He just knew how much I would need to be living on the earth at the same time as Elder Holland.



(image...and isn't it lovely?...found here)

The most important measure

I woke up this morning and my little spirit said, "Um, I think we're smaller today."

So, this morning, with the power out (holy mackanoly we had a wicked wind storm last night and this morning), I got up in the dark, found my flashlight, and went to take a shower.

But, before I did, I decided to step on the scale.

I'm not one of those chronic weighers.
I don't obsess about the number.
I don't check my weight every day.
I sometimes don't even do it every week.

But, bottomline, the number is part of the reflection of the journey and it's a measurer of progress. And this morning, I wanted a measure.

I stepped on the digital scale in the dark and stepped off to shine the light on the number (who needs the .7oz of the flashlight effecting the scale?)

NO. WAY.

I stepped back on to clear it and then try it again because I just couldn't believe it.
It was the same number the second time.

YES. WAY.

I saw a number I seriously have not seen since the mid-90s (right after I came home from my mission...a mission that was really good for my spirit but really bad for my body...and yet I was still smaller then than I've been the last 16 years).

I've never talked about my numbers here.
I've never wanted it to be about that.

But, I have lost 11 more pounds since I started boot camp.
Eleven.
Since November 14th.

Even with a back injury.
Even with some discouragement.
Even with not being able to do all that I wanted my body to do.

But, I want this and I'm food journaling and I'm making good choices.
I'm staying away from sugar and I'm drinking water and I'm getting sleep.
I'm believing and I'm trusting and I'm moving forward.
And. I'm. praying.

And I feel amazing.

And I love that I felt amazing before I even got on the scale this morning.
My body knew.
My spirit knew.

And what I knew is that I'm doing this.
I really really am.

The scale just kind of verified that fact.

If anyone ever says you can't pray your way to where you want to be, they are dead wrong. My prayers have changed the last few weeks and I'm telling you, prayer works.

The scale is one measurer.
The way I feel is the other one...the most important one.

Perfect things for Christmas

So...you're looking for perfect Christmas gifts, yes?

Well, you're in luck because I happen to work for a company that does a pretty good job making some pretty perfect things.

And this year there are lots of them but I just wanted to share a few of the things I will be giving:

I think it's safe to say that the 2011 TOFW CHOOSE TO BECOME TOUR will go down as my favorite TOFW tour to date.
And it's not just because I had the privilege of sharing my story. The feedback we've received from attendees and the things we're hearing about what THEY are "choosing to become"? Well, it's been overwhelming.
This year's tour wasn't about DOING more; it was about BEING more and I loved the presentations. Some of the favorite were chosen to be on the 2011 tour dvd.
Give the new TOFW DVD to your favorite women. It's $19.99 and features 10 full-length presentations (including mine...how fun is that? And yes, Mom, I have a copy for you. xoxo).






I got completely sucked in to playing the first ever BOOK OF MORMON video game. And I'm not gonna lie. It's not easy (but supposedly for everyone ages 10+). This is a game that teaches that you get "points" from life experiences and you get "strength" from fighting evil. I seriously love it and it's a must for every family with kids (or grandkids). AddHelam: A Strippling Warrior Quest to your Christmas.









And in case you haven't heard enough about the best cd on the market right now...well, it's this one.
I had the privilege of being in the Nashville studio with my dear friend Hilary and knew as I heard the music come to life, I was witnessing something really special. These songs are her best yet. The production? Amazing.
And it's especially sweet for me because some of what I blogged about last spring inspired one of her songs: "Past the Point" (killer running song, btw). You can read the posts here and here. This is inspiring Christian music that pretty much everyone will love. AddEvery Step from Hilary Weeks to your list!






I really need to talk more about the impact this book is having on me and I will. But, suffice it to say that Elder Bednar's first book ever was very much worth the wait. This is a culmination of years of study and thought about knowledge and wisdom and LIVING the doctrines of the Gospel. It has completely changed the way I am currently studying the scriptures. Really...I'll share more about that soon. To say this book is "life changing" is not hyperbole. It simply it truth. (and the ebook version available through DeseretBook Shelf is AMAZING). Increase in Learning really is a must for every home...every member of every home.




(Here's a taste of some of the video we shot for the project:

And you can watch more at Seek.DeseretBook.com

I wouldn't ordinarily "push" product but these four projects just demand that I let you know about them. They really are musts.

Merry Christmas!

feel good days

Now that my back is on the mend, I really truly hope I never take a "feel good" day for granted ever again.

But, I'm also not only working on "feel good" days.

And, interestingly enough, that feels real real good.


(PS I don't remember where I found this image but it was someone's blog. So, thank you to whoever posted it first. I needed it.)

[deep breath]

Progress always involves risks.
You can't steal second base
and keep your foot on first.
~Frederick B. Wilcox

I woke up this morning feeling excited about my life...and it's been a little while since I've sincerely felt excited.

I was just ready to go.
Forward.

About a month ago, I found myself seeking some counsel from someone I really trust and the phrase "Go forward" was said over and over and over again.

When I heard that invitation, I felt like my spirit took a deep breath.

I wanted to do it.
I really really did.
I even made a list of things I felt like I needed to do.
And I started to do them.
But...

Progress can be scary.
Moving forward can be unsettling.
It often feels safer to just stay put.

However, we can't.
We simply can't.
"Our spirits long to progress." (one of my favorite things I've heard Sheri Dew say)

Sometimes I find myself wanting to keep one foot where I am while I let the other foot take a step just to check things out. And that's where things get tricky.

Because I either have to bring the brave foot back or make the scared foot let go.
And too often I bring the brave foot back.

But I've come to see that "being where my feet are" doesn't mean staying put. It means taking a step, being in the present, and then taking a step again.

It means helping my scared foot let go.
It means taking that foot off first base.
Which means taking risks...
...which means moving forward.

So...
[deep breath]

Did I mention I'm excited?

(image found here)

One year later...

I can't let today pass without acknowledging the significance of this day.

One year ago this very day I excitedly (and anxiously) checked in for my two week stay at Fitness Ridge.
I said "I'm ready".
But, I had no idea what was ahead for me...only that my life was getting ready to change.
Forever.

I talked to someone today who hadn't seen me in over a year.
"Nothing about you is the same. Nothing."

And while I don't think that's entirely true, it would be correct to say that so much has changed that it probably appears that nothing is the same. And it's kind of nice for the reminder that I really am different.

The past 12 months have been the most satisfying, most gut-wrenching, most faithful, most faithless, best, hardest, sweetest 12 months of my life.

I feel like I woke up to all the possibilities of my life.
And it was God that woke me up.

"Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think,
according to the power that worketh in us."
(Ephesians 3:20)

I will forever look back on this past year as the time my life turned the most significant of corners. I know it will not be the best year OF my life (because there are really amazing things up ahead, my friends) but I am quite certain I will be able to say it was the best year FOR my life.

Quite certain.

And while I realize there are still 5 weeks left of 2011, tonight I can't help but want to celebrate what 2011 and this anniversary have already brought to my life.

I trained for and ran a half-marathon.
I got a job promotion.
I became a "summer mom".
I started dating again (even had three dates with three different boys one week in June. I still giggle about that but never could bring myself to blog about it or any of the dating, frankly.)

And tonight, on this anniversary, I am deeply grateful for:
A Father in Heaven who is patient.
A Savior who's grace makes change possible.
The Holy Spirit who reveals things as they really are.
A body that works and heals and works even harder.
Incredibly supportive friends who believed when I couldn't (and still believe).
My family that loves and prays and understands canceled trips.
Mentors who listen and correct and pave the way.
Blog readers who I've never met but are ridiculously good at encouragement.

My little heart is overwhelmed with gratitude as I look back on how far I've come since that fateful day a year ago this very day.
And my little heart is confident and excited as I look forward to what is waiting.

Yes, I still have work to do.
I still have things to do.

But, I'm ready...again.

and though I'm not where I said I'd be or exactly where I wanted to be, I'm celebrating how far I've come. these pics are a good reminder...

(This was me a year ago.)

(This is me now.)

(a year ago.)

(now.)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

My holiday wish for YOU

Something has happened to me the last few days.
Maybe it was that November didn't quite turn out like I had hoped.
Maybe it was because last weekend was oh so hard.
Maybe it was that I had to fight to stay positive every morning when I couldn't run.

Whatever it was, it's like another switch went on inside my head over the last few days.
And I'm making all sorts of plans for this journey of mine.

And it feels really good.

Because, I am STILL focused.
I am STILL determined.
I am STILL really really believing.

And, bottomline, things are just as they should be.
I am right where He knew I'd be.

I'm the daughter of a Father in Heaven who never tires of my need to be reassured.
Even when I shouldn't need it.
Even when I hate asking Him "just one more time".

And every single time...
Every.
Single.
Time.
...He sends me what I need.
It might be small...barely detectable unless I'm staying perfectly still.

Yet when I stay perfectly still...
And get on my knees...
and open my heart...
Well, He sends reassurance just one more time...
that He is there.
And knows I am here.

We are never alone.
Never.

Never.

And I hope you get whatever you need this beautiful holiday season to let YOU know that truth in whatever way you need to know it and that you feel surrounded by all the love and support and encouragement you need to do whatever you feel called to do right now.

A perfect wish, don't you think?

Happiest of holidays to YOU.
Happiest.
xoxo

a different kind of thankful

We can spend our entire lives in scarcity . . .
just waiting for the other shoe to drop
and wondering when it will all fall apart.
Or, we can lean into the uncertainty
and be thankful for what we have in that precious moment.
When I'm standing at the crossroads of fear and gratitude,
I've learned that I must choose vulnerability
and practice gratitude if I want to know joy.

(Brene Brown)

(image found here)

And "Part 3" is coming...promise.

The Story {Part 2}

I came home from boot camp and went straight to my knees.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't more careful. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't let this be what it feels like. Please don't let this happen again."

Last time I was out of commission for more than a month.
This time I had less than 12 weeks til my 40th birthday.
This time I had a weekend event that needed me.
This time I wanted to think I had more faith than last time.

And then I just reminded him about the tender state of my heart the past week...

"It's too much right now. Forgive my lack of faith. Please heal me. I know you can. I need to know you will."

My back got worse throughout the day...just as I feared it would.
By the event that night, I was completely unable to walk straight.
I stayed backstage had to be helped out to my car by my dear friend but not before he gave me a blessing.
And in that blessing I was promised I would be made whole in the very hour the Lord needed me the next day and that while He was using me, I would not be in pain.

I got myself home and could only lie in my bed to pray.
He knew how inclined I was to question His willingness to help me.
He also knew how ashamed I was to admit that.
But, I said it all out loud anyway.

"Please honor that blessing. I know you can make me whole. I know you can. Please show me you will."

I cried myself to sleep that night; few things make me feel more isolated than being unable to move...and being alone.

When I woke up at 5:30 Saturday morning, I was still in trouble.
I had no idea how I was going to manage the day.
Did God want me to trust Him and attempt my responsibilities?
Would He indeed heal me in the moment I needed it?

A "Plan B" was presented to me and it was suggested I take the morning to recover so I could finish the day at the event speaking to the more than 5000 women and girls.

And that's what I did.

And I found out that this program I thought needed me, simply didn't.
I discovered the Lord had other plans for those girls...other people He needed them to hear.
I saw that all the years I'd spent training others had been successful.
I had a team of people totally capable of running the show without me.

(True confessions, there is a part of finding out you are not needed that is terribly unsettling. I thought the Lord would heal me because He so desperately needed me. If He indeed didn't need me, what would be His reasoning for healing me?)

I made my way to a chiropractor in the late morning.
He confirmed what I already knew.
"You are really messed up. I can't fix this today. At best I can relieve some of the pain."

I sensed I needed to be at the event but when I left his office, I couldn't imagine how I could stand and deliver the message...especially THIS particular message...truths that had been tested the last 30 hours...truths I found myself questioning.

I was on empty.
I knew it.
He knew it.
And I was certain the people who heard me speak would know it.

Tammy came and picked me up and when we arrived at the venue, I had a little inkling confirmation of why I was there. And as I sat backstage, right before my time to speak, I offered the prayer of my heart to a Father I knew was aware of me.

I walked onto that stage and stood upright.
The pain was gone.
There was no tug in my back.
I was able to get into the message...the message that now meant all the more to me.

I felt a tug in my back muscle and looked at the clock.
I had :32 seconds left.
"Bear your testimony and get off this stage."

And that's what I did. As I walked through the back curtain, the muscle spasm began; it was all I could do to find a chair. And I sat there and cried and said "Thank you" over and over again.

Tammy helped me back to the car and neither of us could believe what had just happened.

I had been promised I would be made whole in the very hour He needed me.
I just had no idea it would be so literal.

But...

I actually am not so sure He needed me to be there.
I just think maybe He knew I needed Him to need me to be there.
He knew I needed to see what He WOULD do for me...when it really was needful...
even if it was only needful for me.

And this morning, as I've reflected on this truly sweet miracle moment in my life, I came to see that, again, it is a testimony to the very message He gave me last Spring when I first spoke at TOFW. A message he gave me after I found myself in this very circumstance.

Faith is all about HIM.
Even with what I know, I wanted it to be about the outcome.
The outcome I wanted was a miracle Saturday morning.
I wanted it as evidence of my faith.
But, had I learned nothing?

It was a true full-circle moment.

I am amazed at that.
I am strengthened by that.
I am grateful for that.

I trust Him today in a way I didn't just 24 hours ago.
And I know myself now in a way I didn't when this began.

And some of what I've learned about myself and this journey is Part 3 of the story...

The story {Part 1}

I shouldn't have been there today.
I shouldn't have been able to do what He helped me do.
But I was.
And I did.

I don't know how to talk about the last 36 hours in a way that will accurately reflect what happened...without sounding melodramatic...without saying too much...without saying not enough.

So, let me just start with Friday morning.

And this letter (that I can't decide if I should send or not. Votes anyone?)

****
To Instructor [main guy in charge]:

I realize that I signed up for a program that you developed and as such agreed to your methods and your philosophy.

I also realize that you might not be at all interested in feedback but I am sending this email nonetheless.

You met me on Friday morning, but you don't know me. And while I sense that your program isn't about getting to know people, I still want you to know a few things about me.

In the last year, I began a journey to lose 100 lbs and dramatically change my life.
I've lost nearly 50 pounds.
I ran a half marathon in June.
I've also experienced some personal difficulties the last few months that have put my journey on hold. And I needed to kick-start to get going again.

So, when my friend told me about her experience with your program, I looked into it, attended orientation, met the guy who would be my instructor, and signed up.

Last week was one of the best experiences I've ever had.
My instructor pushed me and I pushed myself.
I never complained.
I did everything I was asked to do.
I never said "can't".
I blogged and facedbooked and sang praises about the experience.
I was so excited and had to tell everyone...I even had a few friends seriously interested in signing up.

But, then Friday morning came and it was such a different experience. I've reflected on it for the last 36 hours while I've had to be in bed and get myself to the dr and cancel really important plans.

I am a 39 yr old educated strong woman who is capable of standing up to herself and yet, in a matter of a few minutes, I became a different person. I sensed you only saw me as an overweight woman who had never done anything hard before. You were determined to break me and I was quite determined to prove you wrong. It was totally foolish of me to put what YOU thought of me ahead of my own health, but that's exactly what I did. I have lower back issues and I know my limits. Well, in normal circumstances, I know my limits.

I should have said something and interjected. But, I never felt like there was a chance to do that. Clearly, your methods are effective in creating an environment of authority and submission because they "worked" for me. I look back on that now and feel silly. It wasn't "real". You had nothing to hang over my head. I let myself feel bullied and I can only hope I will never let that happen again in any situation.

I think you have a remarkable program. But you are also in a very precarious position. You ask people to give you 6 weeks and that you will change their life. You take on a certain responsibility when you do that. Perhaps you should ask about any issues or conditions you need to know about before you push them. "Can't" doesn't always mean "I'm weak and unwilling". Sometimes it means, "I physically shouldn't do that. I know my body and that's not wise."

My tears on Friday morning were not a breakthrough moment. They were the tears of frustration and disappointment at what I knew I had done and how it was going to potentially set me back. My chiropractor thinks I will be out of commission for a week...not the end of the world but still frustrating.

I'm not mad at you. Ultimately, I am responsible for my own health and my own journey so my anger is at myself for letting it happen.

But, you might want to consider the people who sign up for your program.
We have stories.
We have lives.
And, in some cases, we're already doing things to change those stories and those lives.

Regardless of this set back, I still plan to use the next 5 weeks to change mine.

And I just thought you should know.

****

Maybe it's one of those things that just needed to be written.
Maybe it doesn't need to be sent.
(What do you think? Should I send it?)

But, now you know the first part of the story.

Stand by for Part 2.

[im]Possible Practice

"There is no use trying," said Alice. "One can’t believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven’t had much practice," said the Queen.
"When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day.
Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast*."

-Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

*especially when boot camp starts so early in the day. I dare say I've been believing as many as seven!

(image found here)

Real Proud

Day 2 of "hell week" this morning wasn't any easier.

Granted, it didn't start with 150 push-ups, but still...I did enough lunges and squats to last me a lifetime (oh, how I hate lunges and squats).

But, I did everything I was asked to do.

And I didn't complain.

NOT. ONCE.

Towards the end of the workout, my Instructor walked over and said, "You married, Christensen?"

"No, I'm not."

"Too bad. You're husband would be real proud of you this morning. Real proud."

I shared this on facebook this morning and got 69 "likes".
I didn't even know I had 69 friends.
But, what's not to love about this?
How cute is that Instructor for being proud of me...
and wanting me to know my hubby would be proud of me too?

And of course my hubby would be.
I'm doing this thing.
This really really really hard thing.
I'm overcoming my crazy head and a lifetime of not-great habits.
I'm conquering my demons and proving long-held beliefs to be false.
I'm living true to the real me.
How could he NOT be proud of my adorable hard-working self?
So, of course he would be.

But, you know what's great about this next phase of my journey?

I'm not doing this for my future Mr.
I'm not doing this for my future kiddos.
I'm not doing this for the people who might be inspired by my story.
I'm not doing this to fit into that cute little Doris Day dress sitting in my closet.
I'm not doing this anymore for anything or anyone else.

Anyone other than me.

This is for me.
FINALLY.

Because I am deserving of living the rest of my life in this amazing body
that runs
and heals
and works
and serves
and loves.

I'm worth this effort.
I'm worth this time.
And I can see that the Lord has always intended me to be this woman that I'm turning into.

THAT is why I'm doing this.

And while I know that ultimately it will bless my future Mr. and my future kiddos,
And it might still help anyone who might be inspired by my story,
And while I'm pretty sure I'm going to look 1950s-sexy in that cute little Doris Day number,

Right now?

Right now this is for ME.
Just. Me.

And I'm not gonna lie...
I'm real proud of the fact that doing it for ME is enough.

Real. proud.
(and real grateful too.)

(image found here)

oh. my. [heavenly] hell.

"PT Christensen," he said at 5am this morning.

"Yes, Instructor?"

"Did you bring your towel?"

Oh, shoot. They were serious about the towel thing. Who knew they'd be serious about bringing a towel?

"No. I forgot."
Truth was I didn't really forget. I just didn't think I really would need it and I chose not to bring it. Heaven forbid I should take the five extra seconds to grab a towel.

"100 push ups."

"Um, I'm sorry...what?"

"Drop down. Count 'em out."

I would have laughed if I haven't been in trouble by the time I yelled out "23".
ONE HUNDRED PUSH-UPS just for forgetting a towel?
Are you kidding me?
I seriously knew I'd never get to 100.
But, there wasn't a choice.

And I did it.

"PT Christensen, show me your food journal."
Good thing I was honest. I'll surely get points for honesty.

"Wow. someone had a last supper."
It was true. I had. I don't know what came over me. But, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

"30 more."
Um, he remembers I just did 100 of these, right?

"But, I was honest. Doesn't that count for anything?" I almost whined (but not totally.)

"30. Count 'em off."

Then...
"10 more."
Then...
"10 more."
(and that was just for eating a kids bean & cheese burrito from Whole Foods. Come on!)

And thus started Day 1 of "hell week".

After the ONE HUNDRED FIFTY push-ups this morning (all before 5:15am, thank you very much), came the 30 lb. vest that is worn every day of "hell week" while you go through the circuit training.

And it was "upper arm" day.

I hated it.

And yet, I loved it.
LOVED. IT.

Something happened to me this morning.

Amidst the 30-lb vest
and the military face paint
and the abs that thought they were going to cramp on me forever
and the "Instructor" talk
and the shaking arms...

Amidst it all, I. LOVED. IT.

And I felt like me again.

Isn't that crazy?
"Me" now feels like a girl who is burning calories and doing jumping jack push-ups (45 more of them. I am not kidding) and not saying "I can't" and not complaining.
"Me" is just the girl who works hard and gets 'er done.
And loves doing it.

I have a really unbelievable goal ahead of me.
I'm going to be in the best shape of my life by my 40th birthday.

And today for the first time in a really long time, I KNOW...
not just think...
not just believe...
I KNOW...
I got this.

I totally got this.

Not on my own, mind you.
And I am totally aware of that fact.

Because to see how my head has changed back to "me" the last few days, well...
It's a bit of a miracle to me.
It really really is.

And that makes this "hell week" pretty darn heavenly.
(who knew I'd be so grateful for something called "hell week"?!)

(image found here)

a fresh start

(admittance: I can't blog every day. I can pretend it's possible but it's just not. So I'm still focusing on gratitude but the "every day" part of this? Not happening. There. I said it. Whew.)






"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, the staying down."
---Mary Pickford








It's been so tempting to feel like I've failed a bit.
I was supposed to be so much further along at this point than I am.
But there were things that came up in my life that felt more important.
And I underestimated how hard it would be to change my head.
And, well, for better or for worse, this is where I am.

But, this morning at the boot camp orientation, in a moment when I just wanted to be done (it's hard, people...next week is called "hell week" and all I can say is, after this morning, it's aptly named), my cute friend Tiffany (who was inspired to tell me about this program. She truly was.), told me to turn around and look at myself in the mirror.

And I did.

And I realized, I haven't failed.
Sure, I got a bit derailed.
Sure, it might look on paper like I wasted time.
But, I didn't take a step back.
I didn't stay down.
I'm still going.

Today felt like a "fresh start" and I loved it.
My body loved it.
My spirit loved it.

I loved it.
Fresh starts are really awesome.
Really.

And I'm super grateful for this one.


(image found here)

God is good

even on days when my piriformis muscle is messing up my plans
even on days when i'm exhausted
even on days when i'm totally overwhelmed by this thing that is called my life
even on days when all i want to do is eat ice cream
even on days when i have a pimple that i swear i had on picture day in 6th grade
even on days when i can't think of a single thing to be grateful for

still...

i'm blown away by how good God is
and how MUCH gratitude can fill my heart when i kneel to pray.

sometimes it's the little things...

DAY 9: TSA Agents

I just need to say:

Particularly the TSA agent this afternoon who walked passed me at my gate waiting to board my plane whilst on my cell phone leaving a voicemail on a work matter who kindly and quietly walked up to me and, after pulling on my skirt, said, "Um, dear, your skirt is up."

"SHUT. UP." Was all I could say.
And then...
"Thank you. Holy cow. Thank you."

Seriously, people?
Seriously.

Who lets a fast-walking on-the-go girl get all the way from security to her gate without stopping her and helping a sister out? Who does that?

I was horrified.
I laughed.
And then I finished the voicemail I was leaving.

Well, because I was busy...

You know? Sometimes I'm just grateful for the little things.

where my feet are

DAY 8: My feet

"I remind myself to 'be where my feet are' often. My mind tends to drift toward the future, sometimes planning or worrying about what lies ahead, missing the present. Being present is where life is the most rich and colorful. I've even found myself consciously feeling the soles of my feet on the ground to get myself there."
-Artist, Cassandra Barney

I first saw this painting (painted on vintage wallpaper, how cool is that?) right after I returned from Fitness Ridge. It's called "Be Where Your Feet Are" and it immediately reminded me of something my favorite trainer there would say to me when I first started running.

When things got hard and I felt like I couldn't do it any longer, she would say: "Feel your feet". If I could just focus on feeling my feet every time they hit the ground, I would be able to stay present and as a result go further.

Isn't that an interesting thought?

By not focusing so much on what was ahead, I was actually able to get further ahead.
By not getting overwhelmed about how much further I had to go and focusing on where I was, I was able to take more steps.

It's a fascinating truth.

And every time I walk into the Deseret Book store downtown, I see the painting (framed oh so cool) and tell myself, "Feel your feet."

Lately I've been a bit obsessed with the painting and so when it was "employee appreciation day" today, I snuck down after hours (it's a late night, people) and purchased it. I came back to my office and hung it on the wall...and couldn't be more thrilled with the purchase.

(my new painting on the right and my fun Aboriginal art from Sydney on the left.)

And tonight, as I sit here in my office looking at the lit spires of the temple, I'm reminding myself of what really matters. And what really matters is today...right now...where I'm at in this moment.

And what I'm going to do about it.

For one thing, I'm going to be where my feet are.
Which helps me feel grateful for where I am.

And...excited about where these feet of mine will go.