The day I stood behind myself [Part 2]

(Read Part 1 here)

She asked me what I was thinking.
There were so many thoughts racing in my head but I didn't want to talk about them. So, I said, "I just have a hard time running for long periods of time and I want to be a runner."

We talked about the process of running and Tiffany told me that when she runs, it helps to think about what she's running towards or what she's running away from.

"What are you running towards?" she asked.

"I have no idea," came my empty reply. "I don't know what's waiting for me. That scares me. I have no idea what I am running towards."

"Then let's figure out what you need to run away from. You're going to get on this treadmill and run til you know."

She put it on the "treading speed" and I started to run. Within a few minutes, I knew and the tears came.

Behind me was disappointment. The disappointment of not having the life I thought I'd have. The disappointment of relationships that hadn't worked. The disappointment of the hole in my heart.

Behind me was anger, though it was hard to admit. Anger at myself mostly.

Behind me was regret. The regret that if I'm really capable of making this dramatic change in my life, that I didn't do it sooner.

Behind me was fear. Fear of failure...AND fear of success. Fear that too much would change. Fear that not enough would.

We talked about all of that and I said everything I needed to give voice to. Everything that was in my head...and my heart.

And then Tiffany asked the next important question:
"So, what's in front of you?"

I almost didn't miss a beat.
"Me."

The problem was that I wasn't in front of me as a believing girl who was leading the way. I was in front of me, facing me, questioning me, fearing me.

"You've been fighting yourself long enough. You have to choose which army is going to win. So, what do you want, Laurel?"

"I want to be the girl I was born to be. I want to know I'm living life at my optimum. I want to do this."

"Then let's do this," she said quietly but sternly.

She told me I was going to run until I saw the girl who was standing in the way in front of me take her rightful place behind me where she could push me forward. And I was going to run...at a speed I'd never run before.

I wanted to say "I can't run that fast."
But, I knew I couldn't say it.
And I also knew I had to run.

And I ran.

It wasn't even a full minute.
But I was going at a speed I'd never gone before
And it transformed me.
The fight inside my head was quiet.
I felt like I was being pushed from behind.
And I knew...I KNEW...my body and spirit were truly one.

I cried some more (the wailing kind of crying).
"Let it all out," Tiffany said.
And I did.
All of it.

Then she said, "What do you want to do now?"
Out of my mouth came, "I want to do it again."

And I ran again at the same speed.

And it was the most freeing experience of my life.
I could feel my feet.
I was in the present and I was running.
No longer worried about the future and what might (or might not be) waiting for me.
No longer worried about the past and the "should haves" or "could haves".
I was just running.

I was finally free.
To run.

And when I was done, I took in a breath deeper than I ever have before.
I couldn't believe how good it felt to breathe.
The fear was gone.
Instead I felt excitement.
And light. I felt lighter.

I looked at Tiffany.
"You look completely different," she said.
I didn't even need a mirror to verify the truth of what she said.
I could feel it.
And I knew that I was.

And I know that I am.